Fight For America

by Spike Spencer

As I sit here in a Sydney hotel listening to the news of our savior’s next plan to change America as we know it, (you remember America, the engine of capitalism, a force for good all around the globe, and the last refuge of freedom and prosperity for millions escaping tyranny and oppression), I simply can’t resist the urge to reluctantly look forward at the enormous chasm of ruin this lemming-leader is leading us toward.

We used to be a strong, quiet nation, a big sleeping lion. It wasn’t wise to poke us with a stick and arouse our wrath. Now we seem to be becoming more and more like a fat neutered bull with dull horns with no will to do anything other than chew cud and remember the good old days when we were the hero of that joke about the old bull and the young bull up on the hill checking out the hot cows in the pasture. Hmm… Do they make Viagra for bulls nowadays? I do believe our collective heroic independence and valor needs a shot in the libido.

I have done a bit of traveling in my day and I cannot for the life of me figure out what is so damn great about the European socialist way of thinking. And why are Europeans so damn smug about it? How does abdicating power over personal freedoms and all responsibility for one’s own (and one’s family) well-being to a faceless, unconcerned, and thoroughly inept government bureaucracy lead to smuggery? I mean, isn’t that really the least courageous thing you can possibly do? Aren’t we all taught from a very early age how to take care of ourselves? We learn to wipe ourselves. We learn to tie our shoes. We learn to avoid our taxes as best we can. Hopefully in that order. So when did the great thinkers of the world decide that someone else could do all these things better than we can? I know, I know, we can trace it back to the time when it really worked well.

Uh, when was that exactly?

After hearing Sotomayor fumble the question as to whether the right to protect one’s self is as basic as breathing, I think I have a better idea of what the problem is. ARROGANCE! With a capital “Arrr.” That’s pirate lingo for “Testify!” Absolute, all encompassing arrogance teamed with that illiterate sense of entitlement you can only gain by being a person of the left. What a dangerous combination. Don’t we all laugh at the stupid rednecks on America’s Funniest Home Videos who throw rocks at hornets’ nests. And isn’t it always humorous when they precede this absolute idiocy with, “Hey watch this, yuck yuck.” Well I get the exact same feeling every time I hear Barack Obama is ramming through another ill-advised, oops, scratch that. I meant to say ramming a “totally unadvised or reviewed in any way” bill through Congress. Every time he says, “We must do this now.” just think. “Hey watch this, yuck, yuck.”

The most unfortunate part of all of this is that they’re woefully underestimating their own superiority and intelligence. Reality and common sense have never come close to their sphere of influence. If they were the most brilliant thinkers in the world and had a way to make everything all butterflies and rainbows, that would be neat. We could sing songs together and dance in fields of Lillie’s safe from rising oceans — thanks to Obama’s godlike hand calming the angry waters and cooling the earth. We would have plenty of food, there would be no poor, sick, or aged and infirm. We would all have great houses with ocean views. We would be on a constant vacation full of excitement and adventure. We would have the Internet and unlimited cable channels piped directly into our brains. All defecation would cease, our urine would actually become lemonade, and our farts would smell of wildflowers (although theirs already do, of course). All the Taliban and communists would go into the teddy bear business and give free hugs to all the infidels. And finally every other well intentioned, yet completely misguided liberal social program would not have been monumental failures.

Wow, that was some great Peyote I just had. Okay, I’m a little woozy after my spirit walk, but I’m alright –I’m part Cherokee, so I can handle it. My wolf spirit-guide told me I need to move away because this country is going down the tubes. But I told him a thing or three. Wolfie, I says, this is my country. Then I says, stop licking yourself, it’s unseemly. This is the country for everyone searching for freedom from tyranny. All we ask of them is that they pull their own weight. It makes it easier for us all if we’re all pulling the wagon together. E Pluribus Unum, baby!

I’m not one of those wussy Hollywood types who cry and bitch and moan about leaving if we elect a President with backbone. Although, I sure wish those who do would keep their word for once. Nope, I’m staying right here and fighting for what this country is all about. Self-reliance and responsibility. I will do my best to take care of me and mine. Then I will do my best to help those near me. Throwing hundreds of millions of dollars at Palestine or any other far away country that hates us is sheer stupidity. Put the oxygen mask on yourself and then you can help others. We can’t throw money we don’t have at things that won’t do any good for anyone. Let’s focus on getting our cojones back and fight “the power,” fight “The Man,” because “The Man” is truly tying to keep you down, regardless of your race, color, or creed.

So don’t get lulled into the idea that a few hundred ignorant narcissists in a faraway land called Washington D.C. have your best interest at heart. They do not. Regardless of party affiliation, I say sack ‘em all and start over. Stand up! Join us! Be strong and take responsibility for you and yours. Remember what this country promises: equality of opportunity, not outcome. A chance. A shot at the brass ring. The last and best shot this planet has to offer. If we squander it, we only have ourselves to blame.

I’m just sayin…


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Posted Aug 2nd 2009 at 2:57 pm in Politics | 61 Comments