Lonewolf Diaries: My Formal American Apology
by Steven CrowderI’ll be the first to say it; Barack Obama’s G20 speech inspired me over the past week… I tell you no lies. In the spirit of his apologetic, butt-kissing extravaganza, I felt compelled to make some additional apologies on behalf of our backwards nation. I suggest you all pitch in and add your own. As Americans, we’ve all got a lot to be sorry for… But admitting that we have a problem is the first step towards recovery.
To England: I would like to apologize on behalf of my American Forefathers, for flipping you the finger, fleeing your tyranny and kicking the ever-loving crap out of you only to become the world’s greatest superpower within a mere century.
I’d also like to apologize for all of the goods, services and exploding ingenuity that resulted from our crazy new liberty-based system being put into place. Capitalism is a bitch. I get that now.
To Canada: We’d like to apologize for allowing you to remain a sovereign nation, despite no significant national defense, and the fact that you are of no real benefit to us. Sure, we trade with you… But only because we think that it’s cute. If your accent weren’t good for a laugh, we’d have made you the 51st state decades ago. We’ve been arrogant in that our conquering of your land has been a long time coming. Liberals are right … We’re an evil empire and it’s time that we started acting like one.
To the Middle East: I’d like to apologize on behalf of the USA for legally purchasing your oil and almost single-handedly sustaining your countries. Our country is just too oil-hungry and we’ve harmed your beautiful, sandy landscapes long enough. It’s your oil, you keep it.
More specifically, to the people of Iraq: We had no right to saunter on into your country without the U.N’s consent. Our lapse in judgment ultimately cost the life of somebody near and dear to you, and for that we are truly sorry. But remember, if we keep Saddam with us in our hearts… Then he is never truly gone.
To all African nations: I would like to formally apologize for meddling in your affairs in our sorry attempt to “police the world.” With our radical new medical technology and AIDS help programs we have irreversibly infringed upon your culture. More specifically, the fact that American missionaries have started to preach sexual responsibility is both distasteful and appalling. If one of you wants to rape a virgin to rid yourself of AIDS, well then it’s simply ethnocentric of us to try and stop you. The moral judgments coming from our end must stop!
The truth is that time and time again, Americans have proven to be the worst among us. No apology can make up for the shenanigans of Thomas Edison, nor the tomfoolery of the Wright Brothers. There is of course no excuse for the global hijinx that ensued in the post-Henry Ford era and no room in this world for any more hoodlums like Michael Debakey. All of these travesties could have been averted… Had we only remained a little more like our European counterparts.
For shame, America… For Shame.
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95 Comments
We should apologize to France just because we don't apologize to France enough.
It hasn't even been a hundred days yet- will this never stop? David Axelrod (Barry's 'Oz' behind the teleprompter)
is playing to his dopey Hyde Park latte' lefties who think a perpetual bashing of George W Bush passes for policy.
If only the whole of America knew just how really correct this statement is- how really narrow the constituency and world view is. These are career academics who have never created anything, hired anybody, worked a day, real work, in their lives. And Barry O is one of them. In the insulated circles they run in they bash the US as imperialistic, although they have no problem eating and drinking the spoils of our endeavors. They call us a 'racist' nation yet having people of color in their own personal servitude is OK fine…
We could go on but you get the point. And they apologize for us?
Speaking of Axelrod, has anybody else noticed that with his bad combover and cheesy mustache, he bears a striking resemblance to Hitler? I'm not saying. I'm just saying….
I still think the best apology is the political apology: "I'm sorry you messed up."
[...] Big Hollywood: My Formal American Apology [...]
We may as well apologize for the band, America as well. "The Horse With No Name" stands as a shining monument to bad lyrics… "Cause there ain't no one for to give me no pain"…really?…Good God.
We should apologize to France for liberating them from oppression not once but twice …..
Seriously, we should apologize for pop music, George Clooney and Sean Penn. But I'm pretty sure Janeane Garofalo is a subhuman troll, so if you're waiting for an apology on that, piss off!
Seriously, we should apologize for pop music, George Clooney and Sean Penn. But I'm pretty sure Janeane Garofalo is a subhuman troll, so if you're waiting for an apology on that, piss off, you can't pin that on us!
[...] My Formal American Apology – Steven Crowder I’ll be the first to say it; Barack Obama’s G20 speech inspired me over the past week… I tell you no lies. In the spirit of his apologetic, butt-kissing extravaganza, I felt compelled to make some additional apologies on behalf of our backwards nation. I suggest you all pitch in and add your own. As Americans, we’ve all got a lot to be sorry for… But admitting that we have a problem is the first step towards recovery. [...]
Holy Crap. We rock.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_United_State...
[...] WORDS FOR CHANGE put an intriguing blog post on Lonewolf Diaries: My Formal American ApologyHere’s a quick excerpt…to “police the world.” With our radical new medical technology and AIDS help programs we have irreversibly infringed upon your culture. [...]
I apologize for the USA building this Internet thingy we're using right now.
I should probably apologize to France for the following jokes, but I won't:
> 'Do you know how many Frenchmen it takes to defend Paris ? It's not
> known, it's never been tried.'
> The AP and UPI reported that the French Government announced after the
> London bombings that it has raised its terror alert level from Run to
> Hide. The only two higher levels in France are Surrender and
> Collaborate. The rise in the alert level was precipitated by a recent
> fire which destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively disabling
> their military.
> French Ban Fireworks at Euro Disney
> (AP), Paris , March 5, 2003
> The French Government announced today that it is imposing a ban on the
> use of fireworks at Euro Disney. The decision comes the day after a
> nightly fireworks display at the park, located just 30 miles outside of
> Paris , caused the soldiers at a nearby French Army garrison to
> surrender to a group of Czech tourists.
> 'Somebody was telling me about the French Army rifle that was being
> advertised on eBay the other day –the description was, "Never shot.
> Dropped once.''
As I said over on the other post,
TO NORTH KOREA: Sorry about that Korean War thing. We didn't mean it, and we'll never do it again.
As if this really surprises us. Pathetic. Besides, he doesn't need the support of the Greatest Generation, they are too old for him now. He was enabled by the Radical Boomers so he knows this won't affect him there. You are an Xer, aren't ya Barry…..You don't have a clue what those fields signify. Don't even care, do you. Yeah, most of the Y's and Z's weren't even taught about them in the re-education centers. The ones that do, the ones who found out for themselves will eventually turn on you. Very despicable act. Apologize to the entire friggin' world Barry. Go ahead.
Dancing and Fireworks to Follow.
Oh, no, no, no …..it's great. I have to have something to do with my recent unemployment.
I'm glad I wasn't drinking or eating just then because I laughed so hard, I probably would have choked or ruined my laptop screen!
Remind me why we're apologizing for thumbing our nose at the world because we were willing to stand up for ourselves? And why did France get in this when they pee on themselves and surrender if there's a conflict? I wish Obama would get his lips off the cheeks (and not the face cheeks) of Europe, the Terrorists and the axis of evil. Fight the $*^#@ WAR OF TERROR and get this done!
Oh, Lord, I don't think he's an X'er. He's ten years older than me. I think it's the Me Generation or something, isn't it? Please tell me he's not part of mine, because in my opinion, we are the last Generation where you can actually find some common sense because we still remember childhood innocence, no helmet laws, fairly sensible parents (my parents were and are NOT BABY BOOMERS. Born before 1946, they don't have a title for their Generation but I would say Common Sense would cover it).
Please tell me he's not in my generation. Please. What an absolute embarrassment.
[...] Fight Aging! put an intriguing blog post on Lonewolf Diaries: My Formal American ApologyHere’s a quick excerpt…for meddling in your affairs in our sorry attempt to “police the world.” With our radical new medical technology and AIDS help programs we… [...]
And that would have been yet ANOTHER thing to blame on the French…!
Or the, "I am sorry that you were offended."
The United States would like to apologize to Japan for Commodore Matthew Perry's lighting up the night sky with canon fire in 1853. The result of which turned Japan from being a "closed country" to one willing to trade with the US.
We are also sorry for allowing you to get swept up in your own modernization and creating a pact with a certain German fellow with small mustache. We should have been more proactive with your relationship. Since we were not, we had to stop walking softly and use a big stick. If it weren't for the punishment we so shamefully doled out, millions more of your countrymen could have unquestioningly given their lives for emperor Hirohito who your ancestors believed was a god. If we had just left you to your own devices, there'd been no need for us to rebuild your country, making it more modern than our own at the time.
We have seen the error of our ways and can now relate as 52% of Americans believe Obama is also a god.
That's Al Gore's bad…or no???
How about an apology to the aspiring Muslim pilots that we knocked out of the sky with our buildings on 9/11?
I apologize to the world that we have so many nuts and fruits in the US that we elected this fruitcake.
Yeah, it's usually in the "I'm sorry you misunderstood what I said" form. But of course it's "hidden" better then that to make it easier to swallow: "Apparently there were some who misunderstood a line from my speech last night, and I apologize for that. When I said, 'The troops are indiscriminately slaughtering innocent civilians' this was, of course, meant as a compliment because they were not being discriminatory. This statement was nuanced, and unfortunately some people did not realize it. I apologize."
Steven Crowder, you crack me up! I've only been telling people stuff like this since I was in high school. Right on! Maybe we should apologize for taking up so much prime beach front space at Normandy. We could have just left them in the war, but nooo…. My grandfather got to go play with that crew, I heard the stories.
We should apologize to france for French Fries.
Love the Article Crowder!
You're absolutely right. Our Prevaricator-in-Chief would neve use nine words when fifty will do.
Oh I forgot that we should apologize to the USA for evil doers like Nancy Pelosie, Harry Reid, Chris Dodd, Tim Geithner et al. Sorry, sorry , sorry!
Oh I forgot that we should apologize to the USA for evil doers like Nancy Pelosie, Harry Reid, Chris Dodd, Tim Geithner et al. Sorry, sorry , sorry!
I apologize to Mexico, mainly so their citizens already in SoCal will be nice to me when the Reconquista is complete in a couple more years. All it takes is Puff the Magic Barry's apologies MO … correctamundo?
I believe it is "I am sorry _if_ you were offended."
Talk about spineless.
Whatever. It is what it is.
Hint: did you know the FRS was set up by big bankers? They own the Federal Reserve Bank (it's not federal really), and it is the BEST TOOL EVER to drain the American economy. Over half of your tax dollars is going straight to them now. Question: Why does the only presidential candidate who calls to abolish the FED get no media attention?
Dear Americans: you need to shape up your country. I am afraid the rest of the world needs you. NOT to make wars and make more money for Corporate America, but to make your government do what YOU want. (unless you like handing over your money, maybe?)
Don't forget to mention that you will be serving punch and pie.
I think we should apologize to the government of Mexico for so clearly demonstrating to their citizens how good life can be.
Dear Mr Crowder
As a patriotic Englishman I would ask that you take your insults and stick them where the sun don't shine. Seriously matey as a fan of the US and a critic of your sorry excuse for a President, I really do not appreciate your inane & idiotic comments. A lot of us thing the G20 protestors are a joke and should go get a job, they are not an example of the majority of our nation (We would also like Gordon Brown to go, now pretty please). Feel free to insult the French though. Ta
I apologize to Russia and Iran for not giving them a more worthy opponent in President Obama. They were probably expecting at least a labrador but instead they got a lap dog.
Oh my, I do believe you have given us an English two-finger salute. Perhaps we could Lend-Lease you a thicker skin?
I apologize to the world that our freedom allows such posts on the interwebs where you can see them. PS, AlGore wishes to express his deep regret at the misuse of his invention.
Actually Saul, we should apologize for that too. There would be less choking instances if it weren't for the French…er..jokes.
LOL!!
Whenever I hear that song, I think of the Evening Shade episode where a crusty Charles Durning says something like: "All that time in the desert, why didn't they give that damned horse a name?!"
Yes please, can we have some naval destroyers like last time. The USS Leaky, USS Colander & USS Rustbucket wasn't it? Perhaps President Bazza can give them as a gift next time, beats DVD's
I hear there's an After-Party in Iran. Just say Mahmoud sent me…
How about a copy of the Declaration of Independence? Nevermind, I believe you have the original already…;-p
From a Canadian perspective, you don't seem to know who your friends are, friend. Barack isn't giving us any apologies, just those who've tried to do the US harm. And you could try to take us, you've tried before. A little history reading might tell you how well that turned out. We're not a European country and we have pulled above our weight but otherwise … not really very funny. Keep working on it.
How 'bout an apology to the world at large for allowing those war criminals Eisenhower, Bradley, Patton, Smith, Nimitz, Halsey, Spruance, Fletcher, etc., loose on the world and subjugating – ABSOLUTELY SUBJUGATING, DO YOU HEAR ME?! – those kind Nazis, Fascisti and the Imperial Japanese military.
Sow the beans, reap the flatus.
I'd like to apologize for the pharmaceuticals our drug companies spend millions developing so your socialized systems can pirate.
I'd like to apologize for the medical innovations that keep the rich in your company alive (the poor and middle class, being on socialized health don't qualify for "extraordinary treatment").
I'd like to apologize to Canada for the hospitals just over your border where rich sick people can come for treatment so they don't have to wait en queue; it makes some of the natives up there restless — the ones who finally figure out when they're getting screwed.
I'd like to apologize to the people of Germany for the Landstuhl Hosp. and the military bases which keep so many civilian Germans employed.
I'd like to apologize to the Palestinian people for funding Hamas – oops wait a minute — that's a good thing for little kids to die as martyrs, isn't it. – Sorry, lost my head.
I'd like to apologize to the UN for funding 25% of the entire operation so pissant countries can pass resolutions about the evil USA. KEEP THE US IN THE UN BUT GET THE UN OUT OF THE US
Crowder, another homerun! LOL
We trade with Canada because we think it's cute. TOO FUNNY.
Here is one:
Mexico, our bad. We have been taking your citizens from you for far too long. Now you are blaming us for your gun violence. To show how sincere we are with this apology we are planting mines between two walls we are building along our entire border. That should keep your citizens from fleeing your Utopian society, and should keep our guns from being smuggled into your peaceful living conditions.
I don't think America needs to apologize for anything. It's not our fault that we're awesome and the rest of the world sucks.
That reminds me- once I almost choked on a piece of Brie, too!
"France has neither winter nor summer nor morals.
Apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country.
France has usually been governed by prostitutes."
Mark Twain.
I thought I was in the Me generation, and Barry is twice as old as I am. Please tell me he's not in my generation. Please. What an absolute embarrassment.
This truly makes me sick to my stomach. We are the most powerful nation on the planet and that piece of crap is peddling apologies to anyone who will listen. Once again, Mr. Crowder hit the nail on the head. Good job, my friend.
Ok, you obviously missed the entire premise of this posting's humor.
But, since that is the case… by 'pull above our weight,' (sic) do you mean that it is in fact the Canadian military that keeps the USA (and much of the rest of the world) safe? That's odd, because I thought it was exactly the opposite and that Canada spent most of its money on its ever-worsening social medicine programs and most of its mental energy being prejudiced against Asian immigrants.
Then again, your syntax error may be suggesting you are Quebecois, in which case, j'ai pas compris ton post entier, ah?
Lastly, I'd personally like to apologize to Kim Jung-il and the Free and Happy and Well Fed and Democratic Peoples of North Korea for the evil American movie Team Force America. I LOL'ed and I have felt guilty ever since.
Dang it sooner.. you took my apology!!! Now I gotta come up with someone new to apologize to…
Lastly, I'd personally like to apologize to Kim Jung-il and the Free and Happy and Well Fed and Democratic Peoples of North Korea for the evil American movie Team Force America. I LOL'ed and I have felt guilty ever since.
Dang it sooner.. you took my apology!!! Now I gotta come up with someone new to apologize to…
Only if Led Zeppilin apologizes for the nonsense lyrics of Stairway to Heaven
Better that the Fool in Chief did not desecrate that sacred ground by his presence.
That's funny Keith. We have a PM and government significantly more conservative than Mr. Obama. Maybe we should start inviting Americans to move here to get away from all the socialism. Ha ha.
"Cute" trade? We're only your largest trading partner. You don't like it? Maybe you'd rather we cut off all our "cute" oil coming your way. And the cute durum wheat for your pasta. And while we're at it, no more "cute" paper. Wipe your butts on plastic, ya'all! Hell, you might have to smoke your own grass.
There are some of us left that actually are prepared to take offense and do something about it, not just roll over and say "of course you are right Mr Bin Laden, and what a jolly nice cave you have". Unfortunately the last time we took offense as a nation (And did something about it) was when Mr Hitler decided that the German Army should take their summer holidays in Poland that year.
Now Now, Gary…Don't get your bustle in a hedgerow.
I'd like to apologize to the UN. It seems that a large portion of their annual operating budget, roughly 1/4, was misappropriated from the US taxpayer. It should actually be spent on more important things like our military. I'm sure the member nations of the UN will have no trouble covering the shortfall.
I'd like to apologize to most of the people receiving welfare benefits in the country. It seems you were supposed to take care of yourself rather than rely on the rest of us to take care of you.
Why is BO apologizing for us? If I feel the need to apologize I will do it here, right now. I am sorry for being stupid enough to have a job where my check is garnished to pay for a government that wastes my money in so many ways, that I cannot liste them. I am sorry, but I will rectify this oversight by participating in the undersground economy and not sending one penny to Washington DC.
There, I feel better already.
Actually we love the Brits. yes, we have had a few rows early on but hey, you guys gave us life. And, your sense of humor is unique in the world. Yes, and we all do hate the French, except for Mrs Sarcozy.
slight quibble – the Obamanation is a Joneser…GenXers remember Reagan and Love him.
Write your comment here…
Steven, Steven, Steven,
Clearly you have missed the major news outlets all proclaiming the Messiah's trip a broad success. This apology thing might really take off. Just think of how great it is to apologize to the school yard bully. That always make them like you!
In the New World Order nothing shows strength like a deep bow to the Muslim King of the House of Saud. I can almost hear the Wahabi meeting planners scoping out places here in the USA for their next convention. Boy Oh Boy are we gonna be popular now!
And the Europeans – they LOVE the new Prez! Nothing succeeds like a set of American lips on a Euro-A$$
You just have to give the Messiah some time. Very soon, you'll see his masterful moves changing the way the world sees us. It will be a Love Fest just for the good old USA. No more hate, no more Jihad. We'll all be having a beer at the neighborhood Barbecue with Barry, Michelle and our new friends.
To Somalia: We'd like to apologize for forcing you to have to steal ships, because we only let you use those plastic life rafts for your naval operations… Unfortunately, our bigger ships are expensive and we couldn't just give them out to any nation… but we promise to help your naval operations in the near future. We might even throw in the USS Jimmy carter submarine for good measure..
To Somalia: We'd like to apologize for forcing you to have to steal ships, because we only let you use those plastic life rafts for your naval operations… Unfortunately, our bigger ships are expensive and we couldn't just give them out to any nation… but we promise to help your naval operations in the near future. We might even throw in the USS Jimmy carter submarine for good measure..
To Somalia: We'd like to apologize for forcing you to have to steal ships, because we only let you use those plastic life rafts for your naval operations… Unfortunately, our bigger ships are expensive and we couldn't just give them out to any nation… but we promise to include you in our next stimulus package, so that your naval operations in the near future. We might even throw in the USS Jimmy carter submarine for good measure..
An Apology to Somalia:
Sorry the corpses of our soldiers were so heavy for you to drag.
An Apology to China:
Sorry we are keeping your economy alive.
An Apology to Russia:
Sorry for breaking your glorious paradise on Earth with our evil military spending. We really should have learned to be more peace-loving and generous to the common man like you were.
An Apology to Germany:
Sorry for stopping you from your preemptive strike on the Jewish people to protect the Palestinians.
An Apology to Japan:
Sorry for costing you so many aspiring pilots, and for keeping your soldiers on guard while ours were enjoying the sun in Bataan.
I'm sorry. Truly, deeply, and sincerely as sorry as I can be that even with our purported "best medicine in the world" that we are incapable of treating, or even slowing the spread of stupid.
Maybe, once we switch over to nationalized and Government run health care, the cure for stupid can finally be achieved and we can help remedy all the problems of the world. Until then, I would like to apologize for our President, and much of the world that dislikes the U.S. that we are unable to simple cure these souls of their rampant idiocy.
No, we can't cure stupid yet; but maybe, someday… we will.
[...] Lonewolf Diaries: My Formal American Apology by Steven Crowder [...]
We apologize for hogging all those Noble Prizes in Medicine (65% ish over the last ten years). Soon we will socialize our medical institutions and stop inventing these life saving technologies that contribute to over population worldwide. We are so sorry!
So if Barry O is in the mood to apologize to everyone and anyone why hasn't he apologized to the US troops he so recently thanked. As I recall he stated that no amount of US troops could win in Iraq….
I'd like to apologize for,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,nothing,nevermind.
Hey while were at it, let's apologize to Mexico, Pakistan, and India for all the jobs we exported to them – and apologize to Mexico twice because we not only send them jobs, we alow Mixicans to come here and work too.
Grrr… we're not "were" Mexicans.. not "Mixicans" sorry
And remember, when you order your brand new registration, available exclusively through this internet offer, you'll receive the handy deluxe Edit button at no extra charge! But wait…! Act now and you'll also receive the matching Delete button for free!
On behalf of America I would like to apologize to the entire world's governments for inventing the internet. We've made it that much harder for socialist democracies to lure their sheep like populations ever deeper into complacent right-thinking slaves. And we've made it nearly impossible for totalitarian governments to keep their freedom loving dissidents for communicating with the outside world. Sure free porn is great, I've learned all kinds of new tricks and hints. But at what cost to repressive societies governments?
No. Actually, I thought an "outraged Canadian" would be funnier than the posted article. As for the rest, mangez le merde, monsieur.
Who can not love Quebec? Such a charming combination of French people and domestic terrorism, all where we can completely ignore them!
As I recall even then you needed a little help from the "misbehaving colony" from across the pond………..
Now now, we'll get even with them after they use up all their oil and burn all their trees to stay warm, and have to buy their power from the Federal Southwest Solar Energy Generating System.
Well, I'll apologize to you then also.
I'm truly sorry I took your apology, Mark.
Thats why I'm a SOONER!
How about this: to all citizens of the world who DON'T think America and everything she stands for sucks, to those who don't think we need to apologize for our President, our economy, our beliefs, our guns, or any other thing about us, I apologize for the Dixie Chicks.
I apologize for Danny Glover who ignores people dying so he can pal around with Chavez and the rest of his commie pals.
I apologize for Sean Penn. I apologize to the Vietnamese for Jane Fonda and her assistance to your oppressors.
I apologize for every liberal feminist and gay-rights activist in the country who supports regimes that kill women and homosexuals for existing.
I apologize to my fellow bibliophiles who live in countries where books are banned or burned because they tick someone off while American liberals look the other way.
I apologize to Tibetans, Christians, and the Uighur people of China for our Secretary of State who sold you up the river for economic gains.
Oh, and I apologize to anyone who gets pissed off because we aren't always impressed with your existence and may mock you. Quit giving us material to work with and we'll quit laughing. What are you complaining about anyway? Europeans have been laughing about the "colonials" since we got started, you're just cranky that we don't choose to grin & bear it.
I don't know, I think we Americans have a lot to apologize for.
Seriously, the one thing I will honestly apologize for is every American who has mocked foreign soldiers fighting alongside us. (France doesn't count because I don't know if they actually have a military.)
It seems like the only people Obama won't apologize to are Americans.
All you have to do is cry "victim" and Canada will be taken care of. Your leaders simply haven't recognized the new paradigm. If you want to be taken seriously vis a vis the new administration, you can't be a willing partner in the relationship between our two countries – Canada needs to become more truculent, whiny, and angry to have any standing with Washington, D.C. My best suggestion would be to adopt the tactics of the far-left Quebecois wholeheartedly.
Wow. Reading all these apologies has me clamoring to see "Barrack, the Musical". Featuring songs like Brenda Lee's "I'm Sorry". I can see BO crooning
I'm sorry, so sorry
That I was such a fool
I didn't know
[The US] could be so cruel
Oh, oh, oh, oh
Uh-oh
Oh, yes
You tell me mistakes
Are part of being young
But that don't right
The wrong [we've] done
(I'm sorry) I'm sorry
(So sorry) So sorry
Please accept my apology
But [we've been] blind
And I was to blind to see
Oh, oh, oh, oh
Uh-oh
Oh, yes
[...] Crowder has a BLOG! 2009 April 10 by cmblake6 Or at least sorta. Go read this, his apology for the apologies. Boy’s about [...]
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