Cultural Apologetics: St. Garofalo On the Peculiarities of the Brains of Republicans

by Reverend Woody Hol

I grow fearful, brothers and sisters (and assorted ‘others’ whose rights I hold in highest regard).  I grow fearful of the barbarian, ever at our door, who seeks to taint our holy anointing with his heresy and heathenism.  I worry that if we are not diligent, our beloved Goddess, the Almighty Pop-Culture Herself, will abandon us to the wolves who even now grow bold at our doorsteps.  I am currently reading a troubling report.  This very week, our beloved priestess. Janeane Garofalo, patron saint of people who used to be funny, was viciously attacked by the enemy for simply exercising her fundamental right to religious expression and instructing another blessed saint in the sacred truth.  And this at the holy Countdown Cathedral!  Have they no shame?

Well, I for one will not cower.  The Lord is my shepherd, and I will fear no evil.  In fact, if given the chance, I will gladly shake hands with evil, apologize to it for the arrogance of my countrymen, and send them a billions dollars, as long as they are not the true anti-Christs – Christians.  But even them I do not fear, for so long as Pop-Culture is for me, who can stand against me?  So be of good cheer, Janeane, I will carry your cross.  I will continue to proclaim your holy teaching.  Once and for all, I hereby declare: 

“It is evident that the frontal lobe of the Negro brain is smaller than the frontal lobe of the Caucasian brain!“

Wait, that can’t be right.  That almost sounded… racist, and I absolutely, categorically denounce racism in all of its forms.  Which is why I just hate white people and think that black people need lower standards in order to achieve success in the world. 

Ah, here is the problem, I accidentally read the wrong report.  This is not what St. Janeane said at all.  This is a preposterous paper published in the American Journal of Anatomy in 1906 by Mr. Robert Bennett Bean, a sinister racist who attempted to use false, contrived scientific research to further a backward political agenda.  I know, I know…  Yes, it is one of the ten commandments of the religion of this age, but not when it is used to breed intolerance of a large, Democratic voting constituency, only when it is used to justify confiscatory tithing requirements from rich polluters or to promote our Lord’s views on homosexuality.  No one ever said that theology was an easy study my friends.  Let us read on.

Well, this is interesting.  Apparently this Mr. Bean went on to further insult members of our base.  He says here:

“The Caucasian-more particularly the Anglo-Saxon, which was derived from the Primitives of Europe, is dominant and domineering, and possessed primarily with determination, will power, self-control, self-government, and all the attributes of the subjective self, with a high development of the ethical and aesthetic faculties. The Negro is in direct contrast by reason of a certain lack of these powers, and a great development of the objective qualities. The Negro is primarily affectionate, immensely emotional, then sensual and under stimulation passionate. There is love of ostentation, of outward show, of approbation; there is love of music, and capacity for melodious articulation ; there is undeveloped artistic power and taste-Negroes make good artisans, handicraftsmen-and there is instability of character incident to lack of self-control, especially in connection with the sexual relation; and there is lack of orientation, or recognition of position and condition of self and environment, evidenced by a peculiar bumptiousness, so called, that is particularly noticeable…

He later says, “It may be practicable to rectify the error and remove a menace to our prosperity – a large electorate without brains.”

Jimmy H. Carter, save us all.  What hateful filth.  How could a person say such a thing?  And even worse, how could such bile be published and unchallenged, even a hundred years ago when people were less enlightened and Democrats were running the Ku Klux Klan?  He wants to deny an entire group of people the vote?  I must avert mine eyes and return to my study of St. Janeane’s preaching lest I be overtaken by logic.  Ah, here we are.  More beautiful words from our sister in Culture, these from one year past:

“The reason a person is a conservative republican is because something is wrong with them. Again, that’s science – that’s neuroscience. You cannot be well adjusted, open-minded, pluralistic, enlightened and be a Republican…”

“It really is neuroscience. I truly believe that it has something to do with their limbic brain. I really believe that some people’s limbic brain dominates more than others. Our limbic brain controls all our emotions and it causes us to be irrational. Our limbic brain goes into action when we’re ecstatic, frightened, when we’re having sex. I really believe that if a neuroscientist examined the brain of somebody who identified as a conservative, they would find it’s wired differently.”

Well, that is interesting.  St. Janeane and Robert Bean seem to be saying the same thing, just about different…  HOLY MICHELLE, WIFE OF THE MESSIAH, do you know what this means?  The Lord works in mysterious ways!  I believe, my children, that Mr. Bean may have been correct, he was only confused by his antiquated cultural bias into identifying the wrong lower-category of people!  He may even have been a great, but misguided prophet, for surely the Spirit of my God, Pop-Culture, which of course is eternal, was at work even in 1906, and could have been speaking through this bewildered man as through the jawbone of an ass, for every word of this is true.  Just not the facts.  Could it be that the brains Mr. Bean was chopping up in his lab to prove his wretched point were not Negro, er, African American brains at all?  Could they have been… Conservatives!?!

It must be true.  There is simply no other possibility.  Of course, some of you might say that Mistress Janeane, and Mr. Bean before her, are nothing more than bigoted hatemongerers seeking to advance their own perverted views through the invocation of facts that are simply not true, but that is because you are young in your faith.  You see, Janeane is a champion of the one-true God, a priestess of the Most High, and as such, she is immune from such charge of fallacy.  Put simply, as a mouthpiece of the God of this Age, a vicar of the Holy One, she simply cannot be wrong.  To doubt the infallibility of the priesthood would be to doubt the truth of the Gospel of Pop-Culture itself, and where would that leave us?  Without our faith in the collective sense of what is cool, hip, true, and acceptable, where would we be?  We might have to work hard, learn something, or, dare I even utter it, reconsider that reprehensible Father of Hate, Jesus Christ with His judgmental, narrow-minded dying for the sins of mankind and offering eternal life through grace and love shtick.  May it never be!  Which only leaves one logical option, Bean was right, he just didn’t understand the wisdom entrusted to him.  Crisis of faith averted.

And you see, my beautiful ones, this is why we are better than them.  We are capable of dealing with truly complex theological paradoxes like how to look down on entire categories of humanity and still identify ourselves as tolerant, and they are sex-craving, small-brained, ill-adjusted sub-humans who should only exist to serve us and should by no-means be allowed to vote.  Thank you, oh Culture, for once again opening the eyes of thine children to your ways.  Amen.


Email this to a friend | Print | Share on Facebook | | Bookmark and Share

Tags: , ,
Posted Apr 24th 2009 at 11:17 am in Celebrity News, Political Humor | 124 Comments