‘Whatever’ Doesn’t Work: An Email from God to Woody Allen
by Noel AnenbergFrom: God<god@heaven.org>
Date: Sat, 4 Jul 2009 07:03:37 -0700 (PDT)
To: Woody<woody.allen@mischugana.com>
Subject: Your latest verkaktah film.
Dear Woody,
Would it kill you to pick up the phone and call your father once in a while? That’s what happens with kids they get to smart for their own good and think they don’t need me.
And now, you come out with this “Whatever Works” film. What, you think that shemdrick Larry David who plays that louse Yellnikoff can out match me with a formula? Never happen! I created formulas. In one of his rants he tried to pull a fast one on the audience about Job. Yellnikoff whined that all that Job got for his piousness was suffering. So, why suffer? Right? Wrong. I was teaching Job how to be patient! Something you, Yellnikoff, and apparently that David character have never learned.Let me tell you something, Woody, as your father who has tried to give you everything you would need to make a nice life, your attitude hurts me, and I might add your mother, to the quick. What? I don’t have enough aggravation with this pedophile Michael Jackson who now thinks he’s going to moon-walk into heaven, that thief Madoff, Obama’s spending spree, and that little rat with a beard, Ahmenijadh! Now, I need tsuris from you too?
What got into that head of yours? First, you make “Broadway Danny Rose,” with Mia Farrow, whom your mother and I loved. It was a nice little film that did well in the art houses. If I remember correctly, Mia Farrow’s character, Tina Vetali, starts off with a “Whatever Works” attitude but learns through her acquaintance with your character, that schlamazel, Danny Rose, for whom every good and loyal deed is punished, that there is no solace to be had from acting like an animal, from getting what you can when you can no matter who you hurt along the way. Don’t you remember how she came back to celebrate Thanksgiving with you, Herbie Jason and his parrot, Barnie Dunn the stuttering ventriloquist, and that blind xylophonist?
Now, you make this stinker, “Whatever Works.” This, this Yellnikoff character is you. I saw that. Your mother saw that and had to leave the theater before the film ended while it was still dark she was so embarrassed. Everyone in the theater knew the truth.
What? You think you can marry your adopted daughter then absolve yourself by making a movie in which some miserable reprobate tells the audience they’re a bunch of no-good-niks who worry about their vitamins, cholesterol, and their retirement accounts for nothing because life is just a series of mathematical anomalies void of any meaning? That wasn’t what I meant in Ecclesiastics.
Where did you ever learn that happiness is found, by “filching” a little something here or a little something there, no matter what the consequences, no matter who is hurt? You know who filches? Pigeons!
And, let me ask you this; if “filching” has made you so happy then why is it that you felt it necessary to make such a cynical and angry film? Have you forgotten about the three “L’s,” “Love, Loyalty, and Longevity.”
You read Ecclesiastes the wrong way, Woody. Kohelet, the narrator, did not mean that everything we do is futile, vain, void of meaning. He meant that our works, our choices, are a matter for me to judge and that you should fear me and obey my commandments! And for that obedience you will be rewarded with life. In other words, choose life and love. That means turning away from lust and avarice at every opportunity. Look what it got Madoff! Believe me, Kohelet was not saying that you should marry your daughter, adopted or not. I know, I asked him! He was as shocked at the news as we all were.
I know you, you’re probably not reading this any more. But, by some miracle if you are, let me ask you something: Would it hurt you to make your mother and I proud by making a movie about something nice like that gentile Disney or one of the other nice film makers?
Woody, you’re nearly seventy-five. You’re too old for this. Whatever we did wrong was in the past. It’s time to forgive and forget. Walking around with a chip on your shoulder will never ever result in you’re finding happiness, filching or no filching.
Remember son, a man devoid of religion is like a horse without a bridle!
Your loving father,
God
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78 Comments
Great, great post Mr. Anenberg! But you should understand, Woody Allen probably never read the Bible, just the review in the NY Times.
Woody seems to be pretty depraved. Probably needs some help. And, I'm thinking he stopped talking with God long ago.
I'm not ever going to see the movie… but, from this, I believe the film characterizes the book of Job wrongly.
It wasn't all suffering; in the end "10 After Job had prayed for his friends, the LORD made him prosperous again and gave him twice as much as he had before."
And, um… God? Ecclesiastes was written by Solomon. But, you knew that… you probably typing pretty fast and all…
Love it!
Woody Allen is so overrated. Always has been.
Kohleth, or Koheleth, or Qoheleth is supposed to be a pseudonym for Solomon. FWIW, here's an article at Wikipedia on Ecclesiastes http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ecclesiastes.
The word "Kohelet" is not someone's name. It means something along the lines of "the preacher" or " the teacher".
"Always has been" and is a has been.
I think Woody is one of the few brilliant minds left in Hollywood. It's just unfortunate that he is hated as strongly as he is loved, because only one of these groups is vocal about their stance.
Great letter. Personally I like Job.
Folks, Woody is what happens to many aging athiests/nihilists: they become cynical and stop caring toward the end of life. After all, it's not like they think there is anything to look forward to in the afterlife.
Funny (and sad) how Allen's philosophy after all these years of life seems to be: "It's okay if you can get away with it." If that's not shallow, I don't know what is. I'm one of those Woody Allen fans who thought he was deepat one point.
Come to think of it, this philosophy is not really new for Woody. If you recall Crimes and Misdemeanors, the main character may have suffered remorse and guilt over killing his mistress, but in the end he got away with murder and his life went on as if nothing happened.
"It's okay if you get away with it."
Apparently, "Whatever Works" is a variation on this same theme only now it's not cloaked in humor. I guess when you are coming to the twilight years, "whatever works" loses it's humorous appeal and becomes more like a cry for help or something. Whatever, it's old canard.
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Great letter but did I miss Sunday School the day they talked about Mrs. God?
ah… you mean people who're just like Woody Allen.
Nice, but there were a bit too many typos, spelling mistakes, and minor grammatical errors. It's hard to really get engaged in an article when, halfway through, you feel like you're editing instead of reading.
I have wondered if anybody actually ever has gone to a Woody Allen movie except for a few artsy fartsy types in NY & LA. I have always found Allen to be a creepy little man that is not funny at all.
Exactly, and more so the people that wish they were like Woody Allen….
Most people pontificate on the "genius" of Woody Allen for the same reason they laugh at most of the obscure references in a Dennis Miller routine; because they think it makes them look smart.
In both cases, they don't get the jokes (in many cases with Allen its because they aren't funny) but the wine and cheese crowd in Manhattan think Woody is funny and smart so if you don't you're a troglodyte.
People don't like to be called troglodytes (especially neanderthals).
God created an infinite and expanding universe from nothing … he can spell however he likes
Ah, Woody Allen, the Lars von Triers of American cinema. So clever! So biting! Soon, if he can get funding, he will make a film so ponderous and soul-numbing that even HE won't want to see it. And THAT will be his greatest triumph!
Well said. I love Dennis Miller, but I have no problem admitting he loses me around the 3rd or 4th sub-reference.
Mr. and Mrs Salad Fork can wax superior all they want, if I'm labeled a trog for not liking Woody Allen movies then a trog I am….
I don't hate Woody Allen, I just don't get all the hero-worship. Most of his movies are average, a few are very good, but some people will slobber all over themselves just because it's a Woody Allen film.
Woody Allen stinks like gefilte fish rotting in the sun in Central Park on a Tuesday in August.
But how do you really feel? You have to stop holding back….
I dunno…I always felt the story of Job very creepy…always wondered why God was making bets with Satan in the first place and felt the kids he let Satan kill with the house really got a raw deal. (Job gets _new_ kids at the end, after all. ) But regardless, I won't be seeing the movie. I've never been able to stand Larry David.
Couldn't imagine why anyone would want to be him (unless they all have deep rooted desires to marry their daughters). In fact, I know many Jews (myself included) who hate the fact that he and others like him are our hollywood stereotype.
personally I like being called a troglodyte. I find it a fitting and apt description that allows those who oppose me to severely underestimate me. I then clonk them on their heads with my big club and drag them off to get eaten.
umm me want to know. What is fork?
hell, I dont like the smell of gefilte fish when it's fresh, let alone when it's rotting.
Thag say it pokie thing to help shovel meat into gullet
A horse without a bridle…Hmmmmm? Wouldn't that make it …FREE!
I second that. it's always the trump card when a snarky little panty-waist thinks he's going to beat you up verbally.
I just ask if he'd like to discuss it outside…..
I have a very close friend that happens to be jewish and he said, and I quote: "I'd like to drown him in a public toilet"
As for the people that want to be him, they are the types that think everything out of that guy's mouth is clever and full of insight. He could say "dogfart" and a dozen people would faint….
Isn't most of what Woody Allen says the equivalent of a dog fart?
Wow this guy is so arrogant as to assume the role of God? He actually believes he knows what God is thinking or what he would say? I'm pretty sure God did dictate something written in the Bible about using his name in vain.
That is an excellent point…..
Koheloth or Quheloth is a Hebrew term that signifies "The Congregator".
That term was applied to Salomon because he would 'congregate' people and teach them eternal truths.
It's not so much a name, as a title. Hey Kevlaur, God knows that Solomon wrote Ecclesiastes.
see how it works here? You get negative ratings for having an opinion.
LMAO very poetic stuff about Allen being at the end of life and this film shows his newfound cynicism. But it is off the mark as it was written a long time ago. Still I suppose he could have darkened it during the filming.
ugh! Grok say about that one time. me just use fingers.
Indeed, play to their bigotry and prejudices. They deluded themselves into believing they don't have any and get taken every time.
Hi all. I actually like a lot of Woody Allen's work. I wouldn't label him a genius but everyone has their own opinion (and the bulk of Allen's work is far better then a number of other popular directors). The first Allen movie I saw was Bananas and it was (and still is) one of the funniest movies I've ever seen. I haven't seen an Allen movie in quite some time and after looking at the reviews of his latest one I suspect I won't be seeing this one. Perhaps he just isn't as funny as he once was (or his humour is now just too sophisticated for the likes of me). Anyway, one thing we all have to remember about his movies though, is that we don't have to go see them.
Cheers
Best.Column.Ever.
That is all.
I can proudly announce I have never in all my {{{blankety-blank}}} years watched more than 10 minutes of a Woody Allen film. Praise or bury me…your call.
He looks like one, too.
Oooh OOOHH!! Now write one from Santa Claus or the Easter Bunny, those guys are way better imaginary characters.
haha a horse without the bridle. So a man without religion is free and not a slave to some master? Cool.
Still a fan of Dennis Miller but those obscure references were even funnier on HBO when he got to follow them up with mother#@@!%. Ah, high brow gloriously smashed together with low brow.
Not if your Mormon
You're right, I could always look past the obscure reference after he dropped a well-placed F-Bomb….
CapitalismisSlavery:
Since alternative to capitalism is communism/socialism in the modern world, I think you should ponder the following definations:
communism: a system of social organization in which all economic and social activity is controlled by a totalitarian state dominated by a single and self-perpetuating political party
slavery: a condition of subjection or submission characterized by lack of freedom of action or of will
So, in your fantasy world of a Marxist society, YOU will be a subject of the government and a "slave to some master."
OK, lemme relax it to "Best I've Seen In A Dang Long Time." I can't stop reading it in my head, imagining Jackie Mason doing the voice of God.
Try it. It's hilarious!
CommunismisSlavery:
You state that the alternative to capitalism is communism/socialism, but that is not exactly true. I do agree with you in spirit however, but contest that in modern society, there is NO realistic alternative to capitalism.
There has yet to be a truley communist country in modern society, and socialism is not linked absolutely to any economic system, although you would be hard pressed to pay for a socialist government in anything other then a capitalist system.
Even Hugo Chavez' Venezuela is, by all means, a capitalist country, albeit one with a head of state with near absolute power. There is great risk in investing capital in Venezuela due to the absolute authority of the state, but capital is still invested, both foreign and domestic, and even if absorbed by the state a company and its capital operate in one form or another.
Look at the communist Chinese! They've become better capitalists then us!
I think capitalism was the inevitable evolution of the market economy given that common folks *all of us* were finally able and allowed to accumulate wealth.
CapitalismIsSlavery: My guess is that you're just trolling, so I'm nibbling the bait, but stating that capitalism is slavery is as nonsensical as saying jellybeans are conscription… just saying… most complaints regarding capitalism are misdirected complaints about human greed.
I never "got" Woody Allen's movies. I mean, Take the Money and Run and Sleeper were funny, but I never understood all the importance placed on a movie made by Woody Allen. And all the folks that fawned over his films just struck me as shallow, vapid people, ascribing some deeper meaning to everything Woody Allen touches.
I just don't get it…..
Well, technically that's only really worked out in the hymn. Do love me some Eliza: "In heaven are parents single? The thought makes reason stare…"
Woody Allen always reminded me of that character in "Being There" played so brilliantly by Peter Sellers. He's a big fake. Just like in "Being There" I think that a lot of the hype was generated about him by others and his "brilliance" had very little to do with it. It's like going to a Yoko Ono art exhibit. You know it's crap but you're supposed to say something witty and clever about it to make yourself look so erudite and hip. It's time for people to wake up about him and realize that this Emperor is nekkid!
Well he has said he loves Ingmar Bergman and always wanted to be him. Talk about slow.
Tongue in cheek does not really register for you, huh? How about using a voice other than your own to make a point? Otherwise known as fiction, be it drama or comedy?
Thanks Jonny Hero and I agree 100% that "there is NO realistic alternative to capitalism."
I was pointing out the totalitarian/submission thing to the troll. The Chinese gov. leaders got it all figured out, though. Treat their people like slaves and pay them slave wages and make trillions for their government and their future plans. We can only guess what that is, and I bet it will be the same.
(CommunismisSlavery aka Andrew Smith)
So God doesn't know how to differentiate between 'to' and 'too'? Or "your" and "you're"? Or is this poking fun at the Kenyan scam emails?
"That’s what happens with kids they get to smart for their own good and think they don’t need me."
"…will never ever result in you’re finding happiness, filching or no filching."
(My apologies to Mr. Anenberg. I married a grammarian and I can't help myself. I am seeking help.)
Best? I would put it in the Very Good category, but Best?!!
The best column of all time was "Leave My Good Friend Jeanene Garafolo Alone!" Or maybe it was, "Lay Off My Good Friend, Jeanene Garafalo!" In any case, it was not so much for the brilliant writing (cough, cough), but for the hysterically funny responses it generated.
Ahhh….memories…
The key to "getting" Woody Allen is to understand that – aside from his "Bergman phase" – he never set out to make "sophisticated" movies. The bulk of his films (AND most of the best ones) are basically straightforward "sitcom"-style character-interplay comedy… just with "sophisticated" references as punchlines. Go through an Allen script, take out every reference to pre-1970s political philosophers, foriegn film of the type loved by pre-Spielberg film school brats or NY/Jewish in-jokes and replace them with random pieces of 80s pop-culture deritus and you've got a Family Guy episode.
Problem is, at a certain point in his career a certain segment of people who regard themselves as smart/sophisticated and who "got" the references were so thrilled at someone making comedy "for them" that they took to elevating him to some kind of elite arthouse guy when, in truth, he's just a niche comedian… and a damn talented one at that.
I'm honestly-no-kidding surprised that so many people are, IMO, not "getting" what has to be Allen's most straightforward, no-nonsense (good) movie in years. Just because Boris is allowed to talk to the audience doesn't mean that either the film OR "we" are supposed to be rooting for him or his point-of-view. In fact, it struck me pretty clear that the film is much more about tearing HIS ideology down than the out-of-town parents.
Almost everything "nasty" that Boris has to say is almost-immediately shot down or played for "wow, what a jerk!" irony for our benefit. The fact is, he DOES love the girl, he DOES have basic human emotional needs beyond "whatever works." (watch how his nerves are soothed by old-timey musicals, the LEAST cynical genre on the planet) This movie is life conspiring to teach this crank a lesson, even though he's pretending not to have learned it at the end – even though WE can see how surprisingly easily his world has been transformed into a big lovey-dovey surrogate family.
He's referring to Allen's long dead mother who is presumably in heaven.
Thanks, to both of you!
GRoy… I suppose my attempt at humor failed.
I don't think he is. The context doesn't seem to support that, because he does call G-d "father" and then says "your mother and I" that infers a paternal connection. I admit the author is the only one who can really answer that question. The text leaves no other option than conjecture. Kind of like the "Mother in Heaven" Mormon teaching.
Still, I have never knowingly watched a woody Allen film. His interviews have always disgusted me. We have nothing in common and therefore I doubt his movies would have any personal interest.
A wise comment to Woody and those who believe as he does: 'The wicked, in the haughtiness of his countenance, does not seek Him. All his thoughts are, "There is no God."'
-It seems like those who deny the existence of the Supreme Being have had their statements responded to millennia ago, by King David. Nothing new is going on here, even though modern-day "enlightened" people dismiss God and think it's the "evolved" way to be. I'll quote another, just for for all you scoffers to poke fun at: "But realize this, that in the last days difficult times will come. For men will be lovers of self, lovers of money, boastful, arrogant, revilers, disobedient to parents, ungrateful, unholy, unloving, irreconcilable, malicious gossips, without self-control, brutal, haters of good, treacherous, reckless, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God." – Paul the Apostle.
The Bible: The Truth Is In There. – If you dare look for it.
Brilliant? his movies are average and I will rate it at that….. I know one movie, that I really like and that was sleeper and that was funny but not jaw dropping funny!!!!
I think that he has been overrated since day one!
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Iam trying it, but Chuck Heston keeps getting in the way!
I get Woody. He is someone that was very funny long ago that has been immersed in adolation from his lefty friends for so long that he believes that everything he does is genius. Too bad, he is clever and can be hilarious. Poignant and funny is much harder and requires less of a hammer.
You've got my vote for best exegesis presented on a non-religious website.
I want to like Larry David. I always had a soft spot for George on "Seinfeld," although he's not someone I would ever want to know. I just feel for him. But I've tried to watch "Curb Your Enthusiasm" and instead of laughing, I'm just uncomfortable.
The story of Job is only creepy if your religious tradition requires you to accept everything in the Bible as literally true. If you're able to look at it as a fable, it's got all the power of "King Lear." The beginnings of both seem like we're about to be told a light-hearted fairy tale, then comes the crushing despair. At least Job has a happy ending.
As much as I love Dennis Miller, his stand-up routines require hyperlinks.
Sometimes that's true. It also could be that in this case, instead of stating an opinion, he made a factual claim that wasn't supported.
I've commented about that too—it's certainly not only this author. It's distracting, and if this were a more serious post, about a controversial topic, it can detract from the author's… authority.
Leave dabhidh alone!
Dear God:
My crotch wants what it wants. Mind your beeswax.
–Woody
I made the effort to read the Bible through as an adult (long overdue, long story), and while the Old Testament is certainly full of gruesome incidents, for some reason I can't get past Job's kids getting killed. I don't take the Bible literally, but like the story of Jephtha's daughter, Job is just upsetting in its' injustice. One of these days I'll have the wisdom to appreciate it more. King Lear, on the other hand, directly precipitates his own fall–kings aren't _supposed_ to retire, and he pays for his fault of falling for myriad flattery and bad counsel.
perhaps useless might be a better interpretation
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