Are You There, Vodka? It’s Me, Melanie
by Melanie MorganLately, I have had this odd urge to stalk Chelsea Handler except that I accidentally quit drinking so I can’t figure out how to casually chat her up at the SkyBar bar in West Hollywood, but perhaps my back-up plan of flashing my ginormous ta ta’s during a taping of her show on E! might work. Or maybe I should ring up her little Mexican nugget Chuy, and let him know that the gal who wanted Bill Keller of the New York Times tried for treason for publishing secrets during wartime is on the phone and wants to chew the fat with Chelsea, and straighten her liberal ass right around.
The reason I bring up my disturbed fascination with the scatological inclined blonde bombshell is that I just finished reading her New York Times bestseller – “you go girl!” and Chelsea seems to be quite smitten with that sex kitten B. Hussein Obama.
The Inaugural festivities IN OUR NATION’S CAPITOL (I always capitalize that phrase out of respect for Washington, D.C. and I like to shout on the Internet and piss off the protocol cops, but I digress) are about to begin, and as a conservative Republican I am feeling left out.
Blue(ish) here in California, as it were.
I am sure that my invitation to the Obamarama is going to arrive any minute now. I have Rahm Emmanuel on my speed-dial and I am positive he and Chelsea have it ‘handled’ it for me.
If this party e-vite doesn’t get here pronto, I suppose I can watch the fire-farters, cosmic clowns and other assorted Hollyweirdos on TV.
Speaking of that dinosaur communications box, I am quite disturbed that the Obamapalooza featuring Bruce Springsteen aired on HBO. I mean, really, isn’t The Chosen One supposed to be a man of the people?
How come it costs some serious scratch to see Ashley Judd, Garth Brooks and Tiger Woods lovin’ up their man? That’s just RACIST, man! Poor folk can’t afford HBO, they need to be viewing these artists for free.
But we can fix that. In the spirit of bi-partisanship, I propose that anyone under the poverty line of $750,000 yearly receive an HBO bail-out so that we can all be the same under the skin. And we’ll throw in the DVR. No need for austerity at a time like this.
Difficult times call for creative solutions.
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25 Comments
You feel like flashing them tig ol bitties at anyone it better be me!…lol
I have no idea of who this Chelsea is but sounds like the typical Sara Silverstein/Ellen Degeneress/Oprah/other meaningless fluff. I haven’t had cable in 7 or 8 years and don’t watch tv any more. Why concern yourself with these idiots – get more people to turn off the tv.
Scott
Calling it an “industry” doesn’t mean it produces anything of meaning. It doesn’t. It is part of the problem, not the solution.
A drunk and a gambling addict.
At least Bush is only one of those.
If you want back into conservative talk radio, get some Oxycontin and start snortin’. You’re not getting any younger.
The only thing worse than having this has-been hag flash her “ginormous ta ta’s” is hearing her screech her reactionary B.S.
Hi, Melanie,
We miss you here in the Bay Area. Uncle Lee and OV are swell, but it’s not the same without your “girl power” keeping them in line. It’s good to see you here.
Mel, looks like Navin and Ed miss you, too. Getting under the skin of snarky liberals just proves you’ve still got it.
Ed & Navin,
Thank you for proving yet again that you lefties are idiots with nothing to offer the world.
Now, go back to your regularly scheduled pitiful lives.
jic – January 19th, 2009 at 6:36 pm
“By the way, she claims to be 33 years old. If that’s true, she must really drink as much as she says she does.”
LOL! I thought the same thing.
Chelsea who? I watched her once.
The views of the likes of Melanie Morgan and the rest of the Bush/Cheney echo chamber were kicked to the curb on November 4.
The GOP and its discredited right-wing are in the fetal position, out of ideas and out on their butts.
Life is good.
HBO broadcast the concert for free to anyone whether you pay for HBO or not.
Jesus, Morgan. No wonder you can’t keep a job other than traveling around the country with Howard Kaloogian humping soldier’s legs…
Go back to my pitiful life, where I can enjoy alcohol without blacking out, shaking uncontrolably and hallucinating?
The pitiful life where I can go into a casino without losing my house or blowing my life savings and the money I need to feed my kids?
The life where I don’t buy painkillers from my maid, destroy my hearing and blow half a million on lawyers’ fees because I’m a weak-willed, self-loathing blowhard? And don’t need Viagra?
That one?
Sure, I can do that.
I used to like Chelsea Handler until she had to get on the Bush bash bandwagon. Do these people really think they are being edgey and brave with this stuff? Can’t they tell how tedious and boring it all is? OK. OK. We get it! You hate Bush. Enough already. Too bad with Handler though. Her book does have a lot of funny bits in it.
Wow, bitter much? You know Melanie your article would be alot more amusing if you were actually as funny as you pretend to be, Chelsea at least has you beat at that, but since she’s nothing more that a slovenly liberal you’d never admit it. It’s not her fault that you conservatives suffer from sense-of-humor-cancer. Now why don’t you take your own advice in this “spirit of bi-partisanship”-ness and make fun of Ann Coulter’s adam’s apple.
I am really just looking forward to waking up tomorrow morning to a world which has magically healed overnight… won’t it be great to hear that America really is the best country in the world, and to see our economy revive? Optimism is sweeping the land and the media will no longer complain about the economy because as we all know, the economy is all psychological anyway.
Happy, happy, joy, joy!
SCOTTDS, you DON’T want to be in this business. It’s tough. I work (sometimes, when there is work) in reality TV (no, I’m not proud) and I’m tired of it. If you can somehow find a M-F, 9-5 job in the TV biz then hang onto it for dear life. The fact is that much of it is freelance work and you are always wondering where, and when, your next gig will come from. Secondly, producers and network execs are cheap.
Chelsea Handler is no Kathy Griffin, I’ll tell ya that!
The HBO concert was actually broadcast free to anyone with cable–my aunt in NYC who has basic was able to view it. I loved it–Mary J. Blige’s “Lean on Me,” Renee Fleming’s “You’ll Never Walk Alone,” Jon Bon Jovi & Bettye LeVette…Stevie Wonder…even ancient yet agile unrepentant commie Pete Seeger leading the Mall in “This Land Is Your Land.” (did anyone catch the random shot of…George Lucas?!?) Groovy, baby.
Let me suggest that BigHwd gets smarter linking rules. This post links the Chandler name to her entry at Wikipedia, which will have the impact of slightly pushing Wikipedia up in search results for her name. Wikipedia isn’t exactly known for their accuracy, and many of the editors there have an agenda which is contrary to this site’s agenda.
For a recent example, see my so-far-failed attempt to keep the BHO article from spreading a FactCheck lie:
http://peekURL.com/zq9gv93
If you have a blog or a site and you link to Wikipedia, please convert those into plain text links or at least put nofollow tags on the links.
It’s “OUR NATION’S CAPITAL” not “CAPITOL” (which is the building). Arrant pedantry, I know. But I’ve got copyeditor’s OCD…
Welcome aboard, Melanie. I find it funny that all the libs felt Bush’s $40 million inauguration tab was excessive, while Obama’s $170 million tab is just fine.
Obamapalooza?! Dang, I thought I was the first one to think of that. Oh well. It’s nice to know that no matter how bad the economy is, the Democrats always have money enough to throw a week long party. That no matter how dire the environmental decline, one last Yeti-sized carbon foot stomp is okay after all. And that no matter how little Obama did for Chicago, they have unlimited faith that he can make the lion lie down with the lamb simply by spreading his hands, closing his eyes, and … maybe gyrating his hips a little. Preferably with his shirt off, right?
Yep… our celebrities and media finally got the Rain-makin’ Candy Man of their dreams. I suppose we should let them enjoy the honeymoon before they find out the truth. Obama’s just another member of the Chicago machine, you can’t tax your way to wealth, and the rest of the world STILL doesn’t love us.
The night Chelsea stated that, as Americans, paying 50% in taxes should be no problem was the last time I watched her show. Ig she’s so willing to part with half of what she makes, she apparently isn’t “earning” what she makes.
still lol’ing at B. Hussein Obama, very clever. I bet if the media would have reported his middle name he never would have won the election.
There is a picture on wikipedia showing Chelsea handler at the gay pride festival in Los Angeles.Hey gay guys and gals,Chelsea Handler is NOT gay.She may claim to be a gay rights supporter as do a high percentage of Hollywood snobs.But she is not gay.(BTW,for those of you who may be thinking I am gay,I am not)But I don't like celebrities and I personally think that that squealing pig on the GEICO commercials makes more sense than most Hollyweird celebs do.Get a clue,you cigarette smoking Hollyweirdos.Just because you're rich and famous Doesn't mean that your opinions mean any more than a regular person's does.
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