“It takes backbone to live the life you want.”
by Mike LongWhen I was 31, I realized that I shouldn’t be a systems analyst. I hadn’t set out to be that and it had become (quite literally) painfully clear that I could not be happy in that life. I had a middle-class income, interesting and often brilliant colleagues, and a path to more money and more responsibility. But none of that could outweigh the crushing sense that I was not doing what I ought to be doing.
With my wife and little son, I moved from Nashville to Washington, DC to become a writer and speechwriter. It seemed a foolish gamble to everyone but me. I was happy from then on–happy down to the bones. That probably would have been enough, but eventually my success (as I count success) brought some of the more traditional benefits. They’re nice, but they weren’t necessary. What mattered was finding the backbone to live the life I chose.
“Revolutionary Road” is about that. It’s about the common 20-something realization that “being special” isn’t bestowed upon one at birth, it’s something only we can make for ourselves. It’s about the excuses we find to believe that the trappings of success are not only an acceptable substitute but also a responsible and wise alternative for life choices that most of the world labels “immature” and “careless.” It’s about acting as if we regret not “taking chances” when in fact we are utterly relieved. It’s about being honest with oneself that there are tremendous opportunities in life, and how few of those called to do something out of the ordinary actually answer that voice. And it’s about the pain some feel when they understand just what they’ve passed up.
Director Sam Mendes probably intended “Revolutionary Road” to be a straightforward condemnation of suburban life or the middle class or alleged 1950s conformity, but he doesn’t get the final say. The thing about art (if you’ll excuse the term) is that what matters is what it means to us, not what the artist hoped we’d feel. To read this picture as just another slam on flyover lifestyles is to miss a subtler, better opportunity: The picture is about people who want to be special by their own standard, about the process of realizing that transformation can come only if we ourselves do the work, and the demanding truth that following through takes fortitude. Or, as Kate Winslet’s character says to her husband, “It takes backbone to live the life you want, Frank.” It sure does.
“Revolutionary Road” is one of the best pictures of 2008.
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58 Comments
Don’t mean to be a downer, BUT:
I’m glad for your success Mr. Long. But, what if you took those risks, but failed? Moved to Washington and didn’t find the success you were looking for. What if preparation didn’t meet the right opportunities?
Eventually, you have to earn a living, especially if you live anywhere near the two coasts – unless you’re willing to be childless in your 60s and still bagging groceries, working in a bookstore, etc.
Fact is, not one/one-hundredth of the talented people in this world get to do what they want to do — especially in the arts. Yes, much of it has to do with the fact that they may not have taken those chances. However, the sad fact is that many of those with “backbone” are still gritting it out, earning next to nothing, and eventually have to move on if they want to have and support a family. And, many people who ARE successful in the arts, etc. didn’t really have any “backbone”. It’s a bit glib to assert that, nah, you really didn’t have any backbone and that’s why you’re not doing what it is you wanted to do.
Sad reality is that not all folks who work their butt off get their dreams. Not all streetwise and hungry “slumdogs” get to be “millionaires,” get the girl, get to live their dreams. Even in the land of opportunity.
This is what makes or breaks your political ideology. Do you take responsibility for your lot in life or do you look outward to ’society’ for its perceived ‘unfairness.’
And then, of course, you would go on to take it out on society by making them pay for your short comings. (socialism)
Or, if you have the integrity to take responsibility for your life, you let others live their lives unobstructed. (conservatism)
haven’t seen the movie, but from what i understand, orwell already wrote this. it was called “keep the aspidistra flying”.
bob,
every show i’ve worked on tells kids to follow their hearts/follow their dreams. that they’re never more than a two minute training montage away from becoming olympic figure skaters.
got sick of this after a while. drew a children’s book telling kids to keep their day jobs…
http://www.attackanimation.com/books/Burton/1.htm
Jealousy and revenge are at the root of Socialism. So says South Park:
http://www.popmodal.com/video/607/Rich-Black-People–South-Park
Crash –
Even if you worked your butt off (waaay more than a two minute training montage), you’re still guaranteed NOTHING.
Blast Furnace –
If I were a betting man, I’d bet you are in your twenties. Priorities start to change in your thirties and forties. And, you have to start making harder choices. When I was in my twenties, I could live in a small studio apartment, eat oatmeal every meal. 20 year old girls found that romantic. Then, all of a sudden you want a serious girlfriend. All of a sudden, you’re in your late 30s and start thinking about kids, etc. Eventually, you have to choose. Choose to make a life for yourself being a ‘regular person’ just like 99% of humanity.
So, when you’re 60 bagging groceries, you can be content that you went for it. But, you will have “banked” nothing . . . built nothing, even in a career you dislike. No family. And, frankly, you’ll be that loser who’s still bagging groceries at 60 . . . but he REALLY went for it.
Bob,
I guess it all depends on what you mean by failure.
I don’t consider an artist who never sold a painting in his life a failure, just as the runner who never won a gold metal isn’t a failure. Sure, they might not have achieved that special status or recognition we all seek in our endeavors, but the fact that they showed up to work, put in the effort, and gave it their damnedest speaks volumes about the character of the men themselves.
It would be wrong for us to judge whether the aspiring actress whose been waiting tables for years is unhappy, for we cannot know what she is truly feeling, just as others cannot know what we are truly feeling.
Enjoyed your article, Mike. Thanks for writing and posting. Your life choice is inspiring.
It’s the usual slamming of people who don’t live artistic or public lives. Going to work everyday at a useful, but tedious job, volunteering at your kids’ school, being a part of your son’s boy scout troop, saving for your kid’s college rather than spending the money on ski trips or self-enrichment may not be very creative, but such activities do provide the structure for civilization. Where would the dreamers grow up and where would they work without civilization?
I always wanted to be a System admin : )
I didn’t see that as the message of the movie or the book at all. I found it to be an effective dramatization of that struggle we all go through once we acknowledge our responsibilities to others and have to decide whether to embrace the life we have or be bitter about the life we don’t.
Also, one major difference between Mike (kudos to you!) and Frank and April (from the book), neither one of them had a dream per se. They were simply miserable in what they chose to see as a confining, ordinary lifestyle. The only dream they really had was one of escapism.
I have no problem pursuing your dreams. But “Revolutionary Road” tries to show suburban life as some kind of soul-crushing event. Reminds me of P.J. O’Rourke, going to some third-world den in Asia and stumbled across a classroom. The kids were drawing pictures of their dream houses for a project. The houses looked like typical U.S. suburban houses.
Pursue your dreams with every inch you have, but don’t forget to count those blessings.
The movie seems to be about working at a boring office job versus a life of Art.
well, there are other choices. Like a boring office job working for the government because the salary and perks are good, versus working for hardly any money and no perks with your own business.
Anyway, it is notable that people who spend some 30 years at a job they view as a purgatory, counting the days until they can “retire” on a “full pension”, usually die within the year. It’s good for the pension plans, but kind of sad, wouldn’t you say?
It sounds like Mike Long’s wife was totally onside with their move to Washington. Perhaps this is one aspect of his success/happiness?
It’s kind of like Fight Club where someone demonizes conformity . . . then forces/preaches conformity to their views.
A lot of people go through life wondering what could have been if only they had had the courage to try. And success is one of those words that means something different to everyone of us. I lived my dream for 20 plus years. still am to some extent. I’m not rich or famous. But I am very successful in my life. I’m a mom. Full time stay at home. To some outside looking in I was oppressed and stuck. The fact is I was the happiest person on earth and it was the life I chose. I was blessed to have a husband who supported my staying home full time and understood the value of it. My job has had a change of description in recent years though, as my children grow up and although they still need mom they need me in a different way now. So I am now able to move on to the next stage of my life. I hope I find the backbone to create the same fulfillment of success in it.
Hey Mike Long,
I am sorry to read that your dreams did not work out and that you ended up saddled with a wife and children, making a living writing dumbass movie reviews. Not everyone has the backbone to stick it out and suck it up. That’s why you ran away from Nashville and went to DC, where any fool can make it. It’s also why you seek escape through cinema.
I think we all have big dreams, but someone has to pay the bills and raise the children. Suburban life can be boring and monotonous, but it’s necessary.
Seriously, is this what everyone has to do on a beautiful Tuesday morning? Ok I’m doing it too but I am out of work, looking for a job after 30 years of “doing what I do best”. Now I’m one of those souls who hasn’t a clue what “dream” to pursue because none of those that I haven’t done yet look all that “fulfilling”. Already raised my kids to their mid and late twenties with very little help from their dad although he’s an ok guy. The kids are not “rocket scientists” anymore than I am. We are living the average american life although I’m also one of the many unlucky to have lost all of the equity in my home (yes, many of us actually had plenty of “equity” before the mortgage failures). So, Mike is right and so is Bob and so are many of you. Life is unexplainable! Having the right skills but not the opportunity or the opportunity but no skills – either way WE decide what WE will do next and the WORLD around us keeps us on our toes! Nothing is easy, and sometimes we can’t find a “dream” so we “go to work”, pay the bills, and live our lives, hopefully with those we love, care about, or share friendship. Enjoy a beautiful day, a thought provoking movie, our children, parents, siblings, and friends! That is so much more than many people around the world have an opportunity to enjoy. Did you really think life would be easy? In Steve Martin’s movie “Parenthood” (hopefully this is correct) life was likened to “a rollercoaster ride” some people like them and some people don’t. I like to say that sometimes a rest is needed from the “rollercoaster ride” so we can enjoy the exhiliration of the next dip or tight turn that results in screams of delight, fear, and success of some kind, whether it’s monetary or just the laughter of those we love.
All the best to everyone as we take each step through a life without guarantees!
What’s wrong with bagging groceries at 60?
If you listen to BOB and BLUEJADE you may as well drink your Koolaide. ANYONE in the USA has opportunity and support (if they LOOK for it)to pursue their dreams. To be able to PURSUE you must 1)Have a dream 2)Accept delayed gratification (not be a slave to your immediate self gratification urges)3) Take SOME form of daily action toward your dream. ANYONE who really does this-ultimately achieves their dream in America.
My comment on Bob’s comment on Mike’s comment on the subject movie…
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You’re exactly right, Bob. But that’s where the backbone part comes in. If the result is assured, there’s no risk – invertebrates welcome. It’s like investing in 3 month T-bills at .000000034% (I exaggerate, but not much). Allowing oneself to risk must also imply risking failure. Otherwise the return is nothing worth taking a risk for.
Wow, interesting review. I enjoyed reading that.
Ah, Benjamin –
Why contribute to the conversation by making a substantive comment when you can come up with pearls (or rather “sack”) that you tossed off.
I guess I hit a nerve. Not very ‘firm’ in your own convictions, are you?
My point is simple: “backbone” doesn’t necessarily = the “life you want” (nor even does “backbone” + talent). There are many intangibles of circumstance/luck that can derail the “life you want” (even acknowledging that backbone can dramatically affect those circumstance/luck).
That does NOT mean to ‘not try’. It just means that the notion that those who don’t have the “life they want” are lacking “backbone”, while doubtlessly true in many instances, is a bit glib and simplistic.
Or is that a bit too much reality for your manhood to take?
All you gringos need to spend some time in a third world $h1te hole (Which is the majority of the world). If conservative, in the uniform of your country, if liberal, with the Peace Corps. You wouldn’t worry about the equity in your home. You would just be glad to have a roof over your head. You would also appreciate the fact that you all live in the greatest country in the history of mankind.
What’s wrong with boring and monotonous? Boring and monotonous is not a bad thing. Simple is not a bad thing. the best things in life are simple and the happiest times are when you are on even ground. Life is a roll coaster… I look forward to the flat spots on the track. You know the boring part of the ride when you can reflect on the ups and downs.
Following dreams is what built the United States and abandoning that path is what is destroying us now. Fear and lust for comfort are what keeps you doing what people, who are doing what they want, want you to.
Very interesting article makes me want to see the movie which before I had written off as some kind of leftist screed.
The confusion between the two sides of this issue has to do with the definition of success.
Some are assuming that success means attaining some material goal, e.g. a certain amount of money, an Oscar, a Pulitzer. But others define success by their personal growth, e.g. am I a better writer today than I was yesterday am I improving, am I doing something that is important to me. Van Gogh sold one painting in his lifetime and that to his brother. He gave one of his most famous paintings to a man who was so unimpressed that he used it to plug a hole in his chicken coop. But Van Gogh burned to make art. He said that through his art he was working with God to redeem the world. Under the first definition of success Van Gogh was a failure, but under the second he was a success.
Some have rightly pointed out here that under the first definition of success there are factors involved, in achieving that kind of success, which are beyond your control. No amount of hard work or talent guarantees you will achieve it. So I suggest it’s better to live life according to the second definition of success. Success means doing what you love, what is important and meaningful to you, and doing your best to be the best at it you can be. Coach Wooden said that he knew basketball coaches who were better coaches than he who had never won a national championship. Does that mean they were failures? Only if success means winning a national championship. If success means doing your best to be the best you can be at something you love then those coaches were not failures.
The message Mr. Long is trying to communicate is, don’t be afraid. Live. Try. Fight. Don’t look to the world or to the people around you to authenticate you success. If in your heart you have done your best at what you consider important then you are Van Gogh even when your mother-in-law thinks you’re a bum.
Greg Marquez
goyomarquez@earthlink.net
Didn’t finish reading all the comments yet, nor have I seen the movie, but I wanted to pipe in:
I agree that both sides in this debate have a point and it boils down to a question of definition of success and happiness.
The two most content people I’ve ever know where my father’s parents – born sharecroppers who worked factory jobs and lived off meager social security – who spent their days on the front porch – like John Lennon – which the wheels go round and round – or took comforting pleasure in tending a summer garden.
Hollywood doesn’t make films about them. And I can understand why. It would be hard to make a movie about such people entertaining. (But, it also sounds like an artistic challenge…no?)
But, Hollywood does tend to make movies telling audiences that suburbia is the ninth ring in Dante’s hell. That getting up everyday to do a boring job —– and raising a family and enjoying a community and taking pleasure in simply things —– is a waste of life.
When in reality, many more people than the limited community of artists do in fact find something worthwhile in weekend softball tournaments, bowling, NASCAR, spending time with family, or even taking tender care of their lawns.
…I personally can’t understand the attraction of NASCAR and haven’t gone bowling in years and don’t care how green the grass in my own little pasture looks —- but I don’t begrudge the contentment of those who do……and I’m certainly not going to go out and try to convince them they are wasting their lives….
BRENTLABEAU, thanks,
most don’t get the ending. they think the character has given up.never figured a way to write that clearer.
i see a lot of people who destroy themselves trying to make it out here. they leave town crushed, and never try to do anything creative again. being rejected by hollywood in no way means someone lacks talent. and there is no reason they can’t go back to middle-of-nowhere nebraska and make a movie there.
Bob had a spot-on response to the review. As much as I am always for the underdog Mr. Long and Thomas Talionis fail to account for the many variables outside the locus of control of individuals. Any reader of Malcolm Gladwell’s Outliers would recognize this: What family you are born in, country, birth order, family finances, entitlements and, now, affirmative actions both providing minorities opportunities while depriving them from better qualified caucasians. Thomas Talionis’ thinking is flawed because socialism doesn’t provide opportunity to get succeed; it is intended to superficially make all comrades equal, comrade, to promote non-materialism and non-individualism while the leadership gains what they publicly eschew. How many comrades have summer dachaus and ZIL Limousines? Moreover. someone who complains about unfairness would be the last person to want socialism; They dont want to wallow in the banal equality they have been stuck in. No. They simply want an opportunity to soar. Since when was a request for a level playing field socialism?! Sounds like the loopy logic of someone unwilling to acknowledge their own special entitlements.
Parental support is probably the biggest single factor affecting an individual’s success in life. Are you nurturing your children? Are you supporting their education?
I haven’t seen the movie yet. I want to, now even more than I did when I saw Leo and Kate on Charlie Rose. They made it clear to me a lot of what this movie is about is that we go through life with abundant choices. And I believe that life is the result of what choices we make and how we learn to live with the consequences of those choices.
Dreams are the bedrock of civilization. We dream to get out of the cave and into the trees. We dream to be able to send our kids to college. We dream to be a star. Whatever dream you have, I say go for it. But you have to accept that, for whatever reason, you may not reach that dream. And if that happens, what is your next choice? Lay down and die, or figure out what your next choice is?
A couple of platitiudes here:
a) If it was easy, everybody would be doing it.
b) It’s not about the destination, it’s about the journey.
c) You don’t always get what you want, but you get what you need.
Add your own to support the idea. But you understand, don’t you, that life is what you make it, and if you want to go for something, just take responsibility for your actions.
There’s a lot of people in this world that are able to settle in and do the work-a-day job and come home and enjoy the family and neighbors and the weekends. More power to them. Very admirable. But when I was back east working summer jobs in the factories from 10th grade to the time I left college, I learned that I didn’t want to live that life. Now, several decades later, I’m still trying to find my way to some version of the Hollywood dream I had. And I’ve gone down more than one path to get here.
I don’t think I’ll be bagging groceries at 60, but it may be another type of job that some of you, along with my “successful” middle management brother at a very large software company, would look down upon. If that’s the case, I think I’ll still be trying to reach my dream. I may die never achieving it, but at least I tried. And believe me, I’m not upset with never having a wife and kids and a mortgage to pay. It might have been nice, but that hasn’t work out with the choices I made.
Where I think the movie will succeed for me is making clear the argument that you have to be true to what you want out of life. Don’t delude yourself thinking you want one thing then bitchin’ when all your efforts go into something else.
[...] My first review—of “Revolutionary Road”—is posted here. [...]
And then there’s another view, facet to the “dream” discussion: The Wrestler.
I can’t think of worse timing for this movie. With thousands of people losing their homes due to the economy and millions more worried about following that same fate, watching a movie about a couple whining about how unfulfilled they are in their 3000 sq ft home on a quarter acre lot. According to boxofficemojo.com, it’s only made $12 million. Doesn’t seem like it broke even. Maybe the Euros will pick up the rest of the costs. Perhaps it would have been better to shelve this thing when times are better.
Society does not benefit from everyone seeking their own passion.
This is a debatable point, to be sure. But I give you the example of the Soviet Union. Why did the communists fail in Russia? For lack of Ballerinas? Gymnasts? Physicists? Or was it lack of toilet paper?
The Soviets were great at producing the olympic athletes and the Bolshoi was always operating with a full complement of world class ballet dancers. All the jobs that were “passions” had plenty of folks lining up for them.
The problem is, someone has to make the toilet paper. A lackluster job, but a necessary one. If it isn’t done, then a lot of us are going to be noticing it (much to our collective embarassment.) There are a lot of jobs that are not going to get into the newspaper, or make you famous, or make you fabulously wealthy, but are extremely important. Our culture demeans those jobs and the people who do them.
Consider Nursing. These people are the eyes of a hospital. If they are not on their game, people get sicker and some die. This is a tough, often thankless job. Without nursing, no doctor in America could be famous.
We all glorify the surgeon that “pulls off the miracle”, all the while forgetting the nurses, techs, and other physicians that all work hard to keep the patient alive for the “miracle save”.
The issue is not whether someone should stay in a job that they see as a “dead end.” Rather it is our media and culture’s view of labor. We used to see an honest day at work as honorable and something worth celebrating. Now we see that as something for the chumps.
In a culture that gives two shakes about Paris Hilton, its hard to look at life as a CPA and think that this is how I should spend it.
In the culture that we used to have, life as a CPA would be celebrated. A young man took on a difficult course of study, got his degree, passed a difficult licensing exam, got a good job and is taking good care of his family. He was a man to be admired. Children were taught to look up to guys like that. To study hard and get ahead so they could have a good life like that.
We lost something.
@Jonathan – I think more kids (and adults) need to hear what you’ve just said. Doing something for love but not being into paying the intense dues that becoming a “star” requires is by no means a vice. Bottom line is, keep doing what you love whether a stellar career results from it or not.
BTW, I stumbled upon a rather interesting article about “paying dues”:
http://blog.penelopetrunk.com/2007/04/15/paying-dues-is-so-old-school/
@Crash – Nice book! Maybe you should add a chapter in which our hero tries out one, two or fifteen other careers before finding something else that he loves and is successful at.
I just listened to an interview with the late John Updike tonight. He remarked that in the 1950’s, one’s job was just a means to an end, a paycheck. There wasn’t the maniacal devotion to one’s career (80-hour work-weeks and all) that there is today. Nothing wrong with being maniacally devoted to something you love, but I think it’s safe to say that a lot of chronic workaholism has nothing to do with love of any kind.
@Jeremiah – January 28th, 2009 at 11:34 am -
Thank you for stating that which I should have added to my comments way up above. Those of us who are seeking the “Hollywood Dream” are seeking something that may or may not be what fulfills us as human beings. I will admit there are so many other careers that we could persue. And they could just as likely fulfill us in the same way as the “HD”.
In a general, real world sense, I wish for everybody to find what they are good at doing, and make a happy life for themselves and their family sustained by the rewards that come through efforts that seem effortless. There are people who can find happiness in making toilet paper as long as they know that their family is being cared for in the best possible way. May all of us be so fortunate.
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