Balloon Boy: The Right of Every American To Be a TV Star
by Kurt SchlichterPeople have it all wrong about Richard Heene. He’s not the perpetrator of a poorly-executed hoax, but a victim, a victim of America’s callous disregard for those who suffer from the silent plague that is Media Absence Disorder (MAD).
Sadly, the dead white males who imposed the Constitution on America enumerated only negative rights that limit the power of the government over its citizens. But if you squint your eyes and look beyond obstacles like the plain text, lurking in there somewhere behind the penumbras and emanations is the positive right of every American to be a TV star. Those with MAD are not cretins to be shunned but civil rights visionaries at the edge of a new frontier of governmental largess and probably a lot of profitable litigation.
It’s obvious that American society has failed the Heene family. After he and his brood’s triumphant appearances on Wife Swap, Heene was left media-deficient and was forced to feed his addiction with crude YouTube videos. In one, he speculated that Hilary Clinton is a shape-shifting space reptile, which would be totally cool if true. In another, he claimed that he spoke to aliens at a local fast food restaurant, which is actually pretty typical, at least at Southern California fast food joints.
This sad state of affairs was a direct result of the deep, black emptiness in Heene’s life that could never be filled by superficial things like work, religion or family. Like all MAD-men, he craves, needs, must have the validation that only comes from having his mug flashing across America’s television screens. He not only wants his MTV, he has to have it. And we owe it to him.
But, typical of the kind of divided America left behind by the Bush regime, we failed to give it to him. TLC, that paragon of class television, passed on his reality series proposal. What is clear is that Heene’s rights have been grossly violated – this likely constitutes a full-fledged hate crime. So his actions are understandable, even admirable, in light of the oppression visited upon him. Roping his wife and kids into a project that had cops, pilots and others chasing a glorified Mylar “Happy Birthday” balloon across Colorado was not a giant scam but a cry for help.
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America – will you answer the challenge? They certainly would in Europe. Surely America can spend a few billion dollars to ensure that unfortunate victims like Heene can have their 15 minutes and then some. Is it too much to ask America’s wealthiest to pay just a bit more so MAD victims can receive the validation that our Constitution clearly holds they are owed?
Our government must address this terrible crisis! The only real question is the extent of the MAD public option – should the government undertake to directly provide media access in a “single media” system? Or should it allow – at least for a while – private media to continue, but with a “public media exchanges” designed to provide the competition that is utterly unknown to media companies now. However, to bend the cost curve down it can cost no more than $900 billion. Perhaps we can impose a tax on those with a “cadillac” media profile.
And don’t let yourself by distracted by the Right Wing’s lies - this plan will not provide free media coverage to aliens, whether they are illegal, cabinet officials, or hanging out at your local Burger King.
Senator Snowe, I think I hear history calling again.
Or, as an alternative, we could just express our contempt for dumbasses like Richard Heene and stop celebrating the antics of every buffoon without a shame gene.
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[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Big Hollywood, KASchlicht. KASchlicht said: My new Big Hollywood post (6/10 on the meanness scale) ====> Balloon Boy: The Right of Every American To Be a TV Star http://is.gd/4vRKO [...]
I think I like the alternative better… *lol*
Though I just wish the media would quit bringing it up every five minutes…. Does everyone have Nancy Grace Syndrome? Bringing up irrelevant things over and over again until we are so tired of hearing about it that we just want to shoot our TV's because it's the only way to get rid of the problem….
He is a moron, and though I don't see storm chasing as weird, I don't understand why he would take his children… that just seems stupid… and who really goes on WifeSwap (let alone twice) but the social ritarded? I don't even lower myself to watch that crap…. Jerry Springer is of higher quality (even if only by a very small amount)….
:-/
</rant>
All this hype about the boy in the balloon. What balloon? But I think we're missing the important point. I never knew that the concept of giant jiffy pop container could fly?
Richard Heene is getting his 15 minutes of fame right now. Although it is negative, I bet he still is enjoying it. Sick man.
He confirms something my Dad always said, "Fools names and fools faces are always found in public places."
I agree whole heartily! By all means, lets start a federal program to help these poor, unfortunates.
I suggest we base it at the county jail level.
Falcon and the Snowman Part II
I'm MAD as hell, and I am not going to take my anonymity anymore!
what fascinates us is that anyone bought this fraud in the first place…
The balloon was obviously incapable of a payload. If it could have carried 60 pounds it would have flown differently, ballasted from the bottom.
It was never convincing.
And now this loser is facing loss of family and freedom. Sad…
I think this whole episode could almost refute the notion that there is no such thing as bad publicity. Look at what people have been saying on TV, the radio, the Internet, etc., about how the Heene parents need to be locked up and the key thrown away, and the kids taken away. I think what happened here is that everybody from the media on down got suckered by this whole thing, know they got suckered, and are feeling such hot embarrassment over it that they're determined to make someone (namely Mr. Heene) pay for it. Nothing, it seems, is so destructive for someone looking for fame as for the egg to be on the audience's face.
How in the hell did this become a major news story? Do we now have so much media that we have to fill empty air time with manufactured b/s like "The Balloon Boy?" One of my favorite guys, Dennis Miller, was the guest programmer on TCM this week, Robert Osbourne asked him "Why does a guy like you enjoy old movies so much?" Miller responded that classic cinema is like an oasis away from our clanglingly loud and omnipresent media culture. I am paraphrasing here but he also said "We have reached a point where anyone who publicly displays the most bizarrre personal pathology can almost immediately expect their own cable TV reality show as a result." Just so. We can expect "The Adventures of Balloon Boy – The Series" any day now.
Maybe I'm a cynic, but I wouldn't be at all surprised if this man and his family are approached by some production company or documentarian anyway, because let's face it…what makes better television than a couple of crazy, whack-job, horrible parents? Despite their abuse of thier children (yes, involving your kids in a hoax of this magnitude and then dragging them on national television to continue to lie to the whole world is abuse) there are people out there who would tune in to the freak-show that is the Heene family, just so they could make fun of them around the coffee machine on Monday morning. Who knows, maybe a documentary about the Heene's paying back the taxpayers through public service or following them as they go to their court-ordered psychological counseling…
I just have a sick feeling we haven't seen the last of these people. I'm hope I'm wrong.
Clearly, this sad episode is the result of the government's failure to spread the celebrity around. We need to take some of the celebrity enjoyed by Madonna, Sean Penn, and Demi Moore and give it to those who are more deserving. They have obtained their celebrity by exploiting the workers and it is time fore payback.
Schlichter, you have the tentpoles of the basic framing for a novel's plot. I swear, if Orwell had seen any of this, he'd have gone screaming into the night.
But what could be better, now, than turning 1984 on its head? Instead of the daily two-minutes hate, we'll have the Party conducting a daily "Two Minutes Fame" each morning. Geez, talk about your "opiate for the masses"? God and church and faith will seem like "Sweet Tarts" compared to the super-crack of daily hits of "fame" dosed out by the Central Party.
I have to stop now, I'm scaring myself…
Its a good thing to know that when a child might possibly be in danger, the focus is on saving and protecting first, and taking names second.
That's why this guy is so contemptible. He played on one of the best aspects of human nature.
I want to know – was anyone keeping track of anything IMPORTANT going on while the media was blinding us with this? Talk about magician's tricks and misdirection – God only knows what happened whil we weren't looking…
I won't! I refuse to waste time on things like that. The only reality shows I've ever seen is my wife occasionally watched Survivor during the first season (so it was against my will, I was just too lazy to move to another room), and Last Comic Standing. I wasted an entire Saturday watching it, because I love comedy and consider myself an amateur comedian. I got me fill, and haven't watched it since.
agree completely. In his insane desire to be a 'star' – this is the fallout from the execrable Jon and Kate thing- he endangered children everywhere. More than sad…
I was running errands and having lunch that day. The radio in my car was off for most of that time. I DID tune in to John & Ken on local station KFI and they announced that Falcon had been found. It wasn't until much later that I heard about the "confession" to Wolf Blitzer.
I think the city should send him a bill for the time and resources spent tracking this silly thing. Why not? My city occasionally bills for rescues done out of rescue perameters.
Not to mention the pilots and crew of the helicopters, the safety personal on the ground speeding to keep up with it.
And I can't even imagine the stress over at CNN who had to go an entire afternoon with out a glowing report on the President.
What I can't figure out, is with Obama in the White House, America is literally drowning in celebrity.
I'm pretty sure that's going to happen. I heard the National Guard choppers were like $14,000+ per hour in the air.
Sticking he and his attention-getting family with the bill will go a long way in reducing the exposure of idiots like this to the rest of us.
That's really scary!
This article is hilarious.
ho!
good reply…
I'm still trying to figure out why the Octomom continues to be talked about. Every few weeks, we still hear a story about "The Octomom dishes on life with 8 kids" or "The Octomom shares her thoughts on Jon and Kate." I thought we'd all agreed that the woman is certifiably insane?
Lex, your comment is dobleplusgood!
Double that.
I love Dennis Miller's superb commentary. He can cut to the heart of the matter like no one else can… with an abundant vocabulary.
I am almost positive that even if the city\\state gave him a bill, he wouldn't pay a dime of it, and the taxpayers would foot the bill anyway. I guess Obama would take care of it with money from his stash. Obama! Obama!
(/sarc)
If someone would build a large silver UFO to send up, American conservatives would elect Olympia Snowe the honor of having the first orbital ride.
The media is keeping track of the "Obama and the Fox News Wars Story". It's just another media diversion from the real news of the day, the "ObamaCare Story."
This is an episode of Myth Busters waiting to happen. Adam and Jamie could recreate the helium space craft, but instead of using Falcon they must use MAD DAD. After all this guy is primed to become America's next Evil Knievel only instead of jumping stuff he could explore the final frontier–space. About 66,000 feet up. See ya around Balloon Buffoon.
[...] may be suffering from Media Absence Disorder. Again, I have hugs if you need [...]
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