On Drinking Through Tuesday

by Jude

Look, I recommend it.  Watching him do everything short of wear a fake beard and top hat is going to be tough for anyone who didn’t buy into the cult of Obama.  If, like me, you don’t think that this is somehow America’s great new chance at being “cool”….if you know that unsung heroes within the Bush administration have been fighting against human trafficking for lo these many years while Ashton Kutcher apparently waited until now to get really excited….if you know a campaign for a “within our lifetimes” addition to Mount Rushmore when you see one…well, drink with me, won’t you?  Drink, and let us hope the ‘morrow has mercy, because they won’t.

UNLESS you work for the RNC.  In that case, you old dinosaurs, you must watch soberly.  You have to sit through the whole self-congratulatory festival of “we-were-once-the-ones-the-One-said-we-were-waiting-for-but-now-everything’s-just-awesome-and-look-at-all-the-famous-people.  Watch and weep at the pretentiously magnanimous interviews and the well-shot “candid” appearances of celebrities.  Witness Bruce, Garth, The Jonas Brothers, and the thousand other young artists you could neither name nor get on the phone.

Don’t just kid yourself that it’s all because he’s black.  No sir, don’t you turn off the TV and pour yourself a nice single malt, muttering, ‘it’s a moment in history, what could we do? We’ll be there again in time.’  Because we won’t at this rate, since you are killing us.  Inside the big tent I hang out in, conservatives of all stripes agree on one thing: You don’t get it.  So television this weekend is a horror you have to live through to understand why it’s all happening.  We need you to need you to watch the egobamarama and learn.  HBO will run it again, so no excuses…

The Republican National Convention, which I somehow attended this past August, was at times pathetic – and I mean that in the true sense of the word because I was rooting for the home team.  Here are two words to keep in the front of your mind from now on: PRODUCTION VALUES.  Letting the music trail out to silence after the applause had died down while McCain was still on stage waving to the crowd after his acceptance speech?  Unacceptable.

The effective “green screen” behind him in the beginning of his speech?  Really?  Because MSNBC didn’t make enough fun of him in Louisiana for that?  Was there no director?  Were there no rehearsals?  And you didn’t clear the picture…is that true?  Can people actually be fired in your organization, or is it even more like community theater than we already fear?

I don’t blame the guy running the sound board (those guys are my friends, and are almost never wrong!), because he or she was part of a team, and probably overworked.  As a local audio guy from St. Paul told me while we shook our heads at yet another shrieking feedback one afternoon, “this whole thing was f*#$%d from the beginning.”  That should never be the case again.

Productions of large scale events run well all the time.  Ever heard of these things called arena rock tours?   No, how about Disney Whatever-on-ice?  Might it have been worth a call to the production team behind, oh, say, Faith Hill’s tour?  A little more Gene Simmons, a little less Gene Krupa -am I speaking your language here?

Who. The. Hell. Is. Advising. You?  You understand that real production is a big deal and that we usually get what we pay for, right?  When we’re trying to put forward a man as the leader of the free world, it would help if we went ahead and hired the A-team on every front.  Whoever bought Sarah Palin’s wardrobe should be put in charge of more stuff, because the Governor looked great on the campaign trail.  Whoever was “handling” her, by which I mean muting the great instincts of a political natural, and allowed the 150k to linger as a talking point…back of the bus.

Let me tell a secret to your ossified ear.  Some of the artists who were otherwise inclined to help out by performing at the convention or on the trail balked for fear of being left hanging while onstage with bad sound, etc.  In other words, the atmosphere is not exactly what we call “cool” when we’re hanging around the cool constituents clubs you don’t frequent.  Shouldn’t people be clamoring to share the stage with you?  Somehow, you created an atmosphere about as comforting and natural as Cindy McCain standing in camera shot during every McCain speech.  As for me, I’m still reeling from the news that my old group, the LowStars, may be singing my song, Calling All Friends, somewhere at an Obama event this weekend.   (I’d request they change the lyric to “Calling Some Friends” as a courtesy, but I imagine the die is already cast.  You’re wondering not only who the hell am I, but who the hell are they (hi guys)?  And yet, there they are, along with every other musician who can make it, flocking to the Orgybama and they are welcomed with open arms.  The DNC speaks their language and it has a universal appeal: we make each other look good.  Can you say the same?

Remember, back when he was still a conservative, how Schwarzenegger declared his candidacy?  The Jay Leno surprise and the perfectly lit press conference, outside the next day?  Across the hum of his orange glow, you could almost hear the other guys wives telling them that they still loved them, so why not step out of the race and let’s go have a nice life, honey, while the media professionals show us how it’s done?  It was all over but the shots.  The broom, the whole bit.

That’s the level Obama will continue to play at.

Look, it’s easy to play Monday morning pundit, and I know you were saddled with the Ancient Mariner, but come on.  The Right isn’t going to become cool just because we start saying we want to be.  It only worked that way in “Revenge of the Nerds” movies, and even then I’m pretty sure they triumph only when they embrace their dorky selves.  Some stuff you have to pay for.  You find the cool people and get their help, just like in “Grease.”  You, the RNC, are Sandra Dee, and you need to be tarted up.

Here’s my proposal.  Come to Hollywood and meet with some of the people on and around this blog.  If you’re a Rep. or a Governor with higher ambitions, get away from your local handlers (or bring ‘em along) and come speak with the pros. There were directors and producers Godfathering many aspects of the Obama sweep to total media domination (you think a few community organizers pulled that off?).  Your pickings will be VASTLY slimmer, but it’ll be worth it.  Come out, speak, and network.  You cannot just hire out all this stuff at the last minute.  On their blackberries, your staff should have the phone numbers of film production people from the land of make-believe, not just AV guys from your local yellow pages.  You should be clued-in before press campaigns for films you might find common cause with.  You need to be more familiar with the video game developers, the tech community.  It goes on and on.

Besides, some of you could use more than a little help with your hair and make-up.  I’m just saying.


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Posted Jan 20th 2009 at 5:10 am in Entertainment, Featured Story, Media Criticism | 49 Comments