My Secret Life as a Conservative Republican
by John T. SimpsonI’m tired of hiding it. Everybody knows anyway. So it’s time to come clean, just like the Klan hoods I’ve got spinning in the dryer as we speak. It’s time for the Neanderthal knuckle-dragging, open mouth-breathing, racist, sexist, Klan and Timothy McVeigh-loving Montana militia member gun nut conservative Republican religious zealot in me to be set free. Repression is a bitch, and so am I.
I go to bed full of hate and wake up the same. I hate blacks, Hispanics, gays, women, abortion doctors, liberals, Lefties, Democrats, you name ‘em, I hate ‘em if they’re not like me. I especially hate President Obama for being black. Just ask Janeane Garofalo, although being a Stalinist Socialist doesn’t help Obama’s cause any with me. Fact is, Obama could be a GOP Michael Steele Uncle Tom, and I’d still hate him even more than liberals hate Steele. Skin color trumps all. Thank God I was born the right color, or I’d probably kill myself. Wait, the hoods are dry! Be right back.
Where was I? Oh, yeah. Joe is my hero and role model, Archie Bunker a distant second, Ted Nugent a close third. I have posters of all of them lining my walls, alongside such conservative Republican heroes as Dick Cheney, George W. Bush, Richard Nixon, Adolf Hitler and Darth Vader.
I used to have one of Robert C. Byrd, but he lost me when he left the Klan and became the Conscience of the Senate. Whatever that means. Didn’t know the Senate had one. But I never understood that. How can a white guy in good conscience leave the Klan? But I digress.
I have a mega-gun collection and a huge stockpile of hollow-point Teflon-coated ammo that’s just itching to be used. Haven’t decided yet on which abortion doctor I’m going to target next. Maybe I’ll just go down to the border and shoot brownskins for sport. dHs, sToP mE BefORe I KilL aGAiN!
And though I really hate homos like the Good Book says I should, I spend a lot of my free time cruising aiport rest rooms and tapping footsies like Larry Craig. If I’m lucky, I’ll get some real teabagging in. If not, I’ll try to get some in at my local Tea Party. Of course, my shotgun wedding Handmaid’s Tale wife with the nice tooth doesn’t know about any of this. She’s usually home watching Jerry Falwell and the “700 Club” most of the day, and role-plays being Sarah Palin for me at night. Is that kinky or what? God, I love my wife! Would never be unfaithful to her with another woman.
As to being with other men, well, nobody in the GOP’s perfect. But it beats being a liberal! Except for the part where they get away with murder, and we get stoned for jaywalking.
Our favorite day is Sunday, named after our favorite radical fire-and-brimstone preacher Billy Sunday. We sing hymns like ‘Onward Christian Soldiers’ and wash ourselves clean in the Lord. Really necessary for me. A conservative Republican can get real dirty during the GOP workweek. Good thing my wife’s family is rich. Her toothless redneck dad gave us a beat up ‘78 Ford pickup with NASCAR and confederate flag bumper stickers and an Easy Rider rifle rack. Pride of the Bayou!
I want war. Lots of it. Want the economy to get a boost? Works every time! Bomb bomb bomb, bomb bomb Iran! Of course, in the interest of disclosure, I must confess to being a consultant for Blackwater, Halliburton, the Carlyle Group and Big Oil. And so what if we all staged 9/11? Made a ton of dough and dusted enough Islamist ragheads to fill the new Yankee Stadium, didn’t we?
Liberals are such pussies! And screw Global Warming! I WANT the world to burn! Only then can Jesus bring Paradise to earth. Speaking of which, where’s that landing strip for Christ in Yosemite National Park James Watt put on order? Days are gettin’ short! And don’t forget, Jesus is white, and might is right. I’m sorry, what was the problem with slavery again?
Actually, I have to confess yet again. All the above is only what I aspire to be, i.e. the best GOPer Repug Nazi I can be. Like most mortals, I fall far short of my goals and dreams. I don’t even own a gun or hollow-point Teflon-coated ammo, but I support the Second Amendment, which is just as bad. May as well be a co-conspirator with Scott Roeder and James von Brunn.
I detest the corrupt Mengele-like genocidal statutory rape-hiding abortion industry that needs reform even more than Iran’s government, but support a woman’s LEGAL right to choose. It’s the law. Until and unless it’s overturned, what can you do? Shoot up clinics? Ya, in my Rethug dreams!
I’m really not a bathroom footsie player, or like cock and hairy ass in general. But gay marriage is legal in my home state of New Hampshire and I haven’t been sodomized yet, so live and let live. What can I say, I’m weak. And even though as a six-year veteran I believe in General Douglas MacArthur’s axiom that “no one hates war more than the soldier,” sometimes they just gotta be fought if civilization as we know it must survive. Be it a cold war with the Russians or hot ones with Hitler and bin Laden, the dirty deeds must be done. And without quarter until victory is complete.
Fight a war to the end or don’t fight it. You can’t do both. One way assures victory, the other defeat. The Art of Fighting Without Fighting doesn’t work with the abu Musab al-Zarqawis of this world.
Worst of all? I was born and raised in Cambridge, Massachusetts. Now THAT’S a confession! How can I ever face my conservative redneck Republican sister-banging moonshine-guzzling Zionist drinking buddies at the NRSC and AIPAC again?
I put it all on the table, people. Now, if only liberal Democrat lefties would freely admit to all the world that they’re all hypocritical, mentally disordered, drug-addled, tree-hugging, America-hating, nihilist anarchist recruiting office-bombing, terrorist and dictator-loving, tinfoil hat, limp-wrist pansy spoiled brat full-grown trust fund Stalinist toddlers who couldn’t get gangbanged by the Green Bay Packers hard or fast enough (practice squads included), maybe we’ll get somewhere in this country.
I seek progress, not perfection. We can all sit down together and have one big ideological circle jerk. Get it out of our systems, you know? Hey, we’re all Americans here! Confession is good for the soul. Or your metaphysical, Pagan or Wiccan existential plane of being, depending on your religious or non-religious proclivities and inclinations.
God, I feel so good now. Got it all out. Okay, let’s hear it in the comments section now. No holding back. That includes you, Unrighteous Bubba and Cognitive Dissonant. Tell us about all the kinky things you like to do with tinfoil, Vaseline and vacuum cleaners while watching sick online German porn in your mothers’ basements 
Email this to a friend | Print |
Share on Facebook
| Tweet this
| 
Follow Us on Twitter
Subscribe via RSS
Got a Tip?
188 Comments
Uh, wow. Did we really need this? I know you're trying to be funny and to parody the liberal stereotype of the conservative, but I am afraid the column only embarrasses all conservatives, probably only reinforces the stereotypes in liberal readers' minds, and forgets to have a point along the way.
Cloudbuster: Not only that, but I expect this will end up on the DailyKos and HuffPo within minutes as the new conservative manifesto. We'll have to spend useless time in an effort to explain to the already humor-deficient left that it was a parody that fell flat on its face. By tonight Keith Olbermann will be in full attack mode pointing out that somebody slipped and admitted what conservatives really believe. This was a misfire of major proportions, and we'll be doing damage control for months.
Why should it be embarrassing, Cloudy? None of it's true! Well, most of it anyway. As I wrote it, I was reminded of Lenny Bruce's standup routine where he used every epithet in the book to make them all meaningless. That was my point. Put it all out there and show how insane it all is.
I explained to John Nolte that every news report or oped I went to recently contained all these crazy redneck stereotypes like I've listed in the comments section. Sick of it! I could just attack them, but who looks more like fools here? It's like when Chris Rock discussed stereotypes of blacks on SNL.
So it didn't work for you. Hope it does for others. Like screenplays, you either hit or miss. But without risk, there is no reward. Hope you understand my motive, if not my madness
Uh. I. Love. It.
Say it again, please, but with feeling.
The problem is that the left doesn't think these stereotypes are crazy. They believe them, and the mainstream media encourages people to believe them. And they aren't beyond using these quotes out of context to blast the right. Don't feed the left.
Again, and last word. I got writing and laundry to do. WHAT in this column makes it any worse for us? They'll quote me out of context? When DON'T they do that? When does even the most logical and sensible piece posted here at BH not come under tinfoil hat assault?
So KOS and HuffPo use it. So what? That means they have to admit to the Lefty stereotypes I put here too! Good Night and Good Luck!
Whooo, Wheeee Man, i was right along with you untill you got all wussie.
oh hey time fer my banjo lessin'
Mr. Simpson, while reading this, I thought that you may have been channeling the outtakes of the Dean Martin Roasts (now that was GREAT TV). However, Lenny Bruce may well be more accurate and Don Rickles is probably even closer. Regardless, I'm still laughing and hope that the crackheads at PuffyHo and DailySnivelers have fun with it. Nice job sir.
SUA SPONTE
Depending on my mood I might agree wity you. But if anyone really tries to use this as ammunition, is it really worth dignifying it with a response. If people are really that gullible, we ought to be able ti flip it around and win every political race in the country.
I realize some peole are literalists to the core, but i have more faith in America than that.
Depending on my mood I might agree with you. But if anyone really tries to use this as ammunition, is it really worth dignifying it with a response? If people are really that gullible, we ought to be able to flip it around and win every political race in the country.
I realize some people are literalists to the core, but i have more faith in America than that.
I for one appreciate the attempt. Will it do much probably not, but if we all start doing it…
I work with a lot of democrats, they love to bash the right, but if you couch your point in humor or self deprication it disarms them. I usually call my self the "Evil Republican", and then they let me say whatever I want to say and I usually can have a pleasant discussion.
I believe that approaching individuals works where as approaching a group doesn't.
Okay now that I have my normality validated I can get on with the rest of my life!
If left-wingers take this seriously, they've got even fewer brains than I gave them credit for. And the same goes for their sense of humor.
I wish I could agree with you, but we just went through an election where the American people bought into everything they heard in the mainstream media. That includes the phony "hope and change," and everything any conservative has ever said, whether in jest or not, about race, guns and religion. By the time the well-intentioned Mr. Simpson is given the opportunity to respond (if that ever happens), the damage will already have been done. Once the idea has been implanted, a genuine defense of "taken out of context" or "it was a parody" will fall on deaf ears.
John T. Simpson, BH conservative, thought he would kick Big Brother in the 'nads today, to see how fast he can make it to the top of the DHS watch list.
It's always good to clean out that dusty attic in the 'ol nogging and reveal all to the stunted masses. Hope the old fat fart woman killer kenndy will come clean at his soon to be death bed. Botox biddy major A-hole speaker of the brothel in the capital of these United States should also lighten her diapers and confess all about those pay outs and private traveling on Government Airlines. The lists of scum suckers is too darn massive to fully list, but you know who You are!
mirror,mirror on the wall
who's the most satirized of all ?
leftist hippies, rightwing nuts
timothy leary and earl butz.
all that angst keeps spinning 'round
as we hear the lowly,hissing sound
of the snakes in the grass,
warring demographic , or class.
i am feeling so polarized
cause it's Sarah that I idolized.
Im a 6 year Vet under the Clinton Admin., I Love John Wayne, and Ronald Reagen. I am a conservative Republican, and proud of the fact. I went and had a 1 night stand, and I married the women with 3 kids, and still married for 10 years this August. Now here is the kicker….I married into the enemy camp, BIG Democrats, Union members (auto industry) they hated Reagan, and Loved Clinton, and with my Mother -in- Law It's all Bush's fault, SR and JR's. Even when I proved my in law wrong, or proved how bad Unions were…lets just say the day didn't end will. My mother in law even defended attacks on Ted Kennedy saying he was punished already for him killing a girl(I guess because he wasn't president i think)…and She's a Feminist…..Before I married my lovely wife, I never knew people were this hypocritical and total blind or the truth. But there is hope, She watches Fox news and hates Obama.
My thoughts exactly. People will choose to believe this and not see the humor because that is what they ALREADY think of conservatives.
[...] New, daring satirical piece by one of my fave conservative writers, John T. Simpson: My Secret Life as a Conservative Republican. I know a number of liberals will mock it or take it out of context, but heck, who cares… they [...]
Mo: I'm really equally concerned about the average Joe or Jane, sitting on the fence, turning on the evening news and not knowing that this was a parody. They'll hear all the crazy (and actually pretty funny) parts as "quotes from a conservative" and say to themselves "the conservatives really are as bad as I've been told." If he or she happens to be up at 2 AM three weeks later when another six minute "news" segment allows Simpson (or a surrogate) ten seconds to respond, it will be too little, too late.
That guy in the second picture is going to haunt my dreams. Thanks a heap.
True, that.
John, I thought it was funny.
Political satire needs to bite and take chances. So what if HuffPo and DailyKos goes bonkers with this? You can't spend your life worring about how the Left will perceive conservatives. They already treat us like garbage, so I approve of you having some fun and jerking their junkyard dogs chains.
If nothing else, thank you for distracting them for a while to give Sarah Palin a bit of a break from their vicious marginalizing and denigrating. Guess that makes you a bit of a hero… a gun-totin' redneck hero. LOL
Joe? Did someone mention Joe? Hot d@mn! Its good to be recognized for something besides my fabulous witicisms and savant pearls of wisdom. And did I mention my full head of luxuriously white lockes? Umm, that last part wasnt a racist remark. Why, even my boss is black…kinda.
I here you Devin. I think he may show up at my HS reunion this year. Hasn't changed a bit since 9th grade. I guess I should say "pertinear hasn't changed a bit since he warshed his pick'em up truck in the crick". Sorry, you can take the boy out of the country, but you can't take the redneck outta the boy…
WHAT???!!!
I've got to agree. As a conservative, this troubles me because with a media already universally out to make conservatives look bad, it's a horrible idea to give them any ammo. And that is exactly what this does. There is no indication within the piece that this is meant as parody. We only know it's parody because we don't believe any of it to be true. Other don’t share that belief.
Indeed, anyone trained by the MSM will not share that belief and will readily see this as confirmation of everything the MSM has been saying for years.
Moreover, don't think that you will ever get the chance to respond to those types of charges. They are simply asserted and passed on as truth. Indeed, this is the sort of "joke" that leads politicians to resign and gets employees fired or blacklisted — "don't hire that guy, he's the one who wrote that thing."
That may not be fair, but that's life.
Um. I guess it's satire. Sorry John, that's the best I can say.
Hey, John, you forgot to mention if your wife was barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen of your tornado-tossed trailer.
LULZ!
In every joke there is a kernel of truth. Glad to see you guys getting it off of your chests. Just don't tell David Duke you let the cat out of the bag.
glad to see that you point out the idiocy of stereotyping by engaging in stereotyping. no, i don't take it seriously. but sometimes that shoe does fit.
But when Chris Rock does it, he exaggerates what people believe, then pokes fun both sides. You're just repeating the left-wing stereotype. That's like Chris Rock not saying "Books is like Kryptonite to N….s" and instead saying "Black people don't read."
don't be silly. of course we recognize the tongue in cheekyness of this article. we would never take something out of context and have a field day with it. like say the "wise latina" thing for instance…………..
Outstanding post! I'm still laughing.
To those who think this is going to cause trouble with the libs… So what? Seriously. Why worry what a die hard ideologue has to say.
We've been jumping at our own shadows for too long.
kind of like you guys have been doing with the "wise latina" speech?
You must have read Maureen Dowd today – and the 'liberal' comments that followed. Such open-minded, generous folk!
Dude, honestly? Anyone with a brain can see through the sarcasm. Get over yourselves. We don't need this to make fun of right wing conservatives. We have enough material from when you are being completely serious.
It sounds like you're saying that Sotomayor's entire speech during which she said "wise Latina" and repeatedly called for more emotion and less thinking in judicial decisions was a parody. If that's the case, then her audience didn't get the joke, and you've just proven my point about being careful what you say so it doesn't come back and bite you in the butt.
Clever, but you miss the point. It is important to determine how Sotomayor thinks before she can be lifted to a body like the Supreme Court. We often express our true thoughts in off the cuff remarks. That's why people want to know what she meant — particularly because, on it's face, these comments appear to indicate bias. Add to that decisions like Ricci and her judgment really does become suspect.
This column, on the other hand, is simply failed parody.
sounds like you missed the point of that speech then.
Does anybody remember Richard Pryor's Mudbone character? How much more self-deprecating and stereotypical could it get? I can't believe all the urine running down peoples' legs here. Jesus Christ! And I thought Lefties were bad!
A question, people. If I had never written this parody, what would be different today? And any Lefties like KOS that do use it as ammo, who are too stupid to realize the joke, would just be getting their ammo somewhere else anyway! Show a little humor and backbone will ya? Makes me think of how much Team Oscar must have been trembling before the ministers who told them to apologize for 300 and the Wrestler! Oh my!
Now THAT'S Comedy!
I get it completely. This is what the left thinks, true or not.
All my life I was a registered Independent. I never had one issue with any of my long time Liberal Democrat friends.
Then I voted Republican in the Presidential race (now a registered Republican). That is when the fun began. These same people whom i have known for years (decades for one) now take every opputunity to make off-handed remark suggesting that I'm a racist or a deranged gun owner or whatever. Nothing's changed about me other than my party affiliation, I am the same guy they've known for years, yet now, because I don't like there guy, I'm somehow defective………..
My point is that they will always think of Republicans as you stated, even if they know the exact opposite to be true…..
I got it John. Yeah, it's one of those pieces where I give you credit for trying something a little edgy. The fact that it made most of us uncomfortable reading the piece actually in a way validates what you were trying to do. You are not a fringe crazy nor are the folks who regularly post comments at BH. And yet, so often anyone who is considered a conservative gets painted that way. Having said that, there are probably some old time blue dog Democrats who feel we paint them as the second coming of Sean Penn, and I am actually counting on those people to help us get out of the socialist madness being perpetrated by this over-reaching administration.
BTW Wise Latina, there's a section in there for you, too. The whole drug-addled mentally disordered tree-hugging America-hating tinfoil hat gangbanged by the Green Bay Packers thing? That's for YOU!
"urine running down people's legs"
"Jesus Christ! And I thought Lefties were bad!"
Didn't you invite debate? I guess you only wanted one answer, right?
Way to go for it brother. Your writing continues to impress and is always filled with a wide assortment of links, which I appreciate.
I dig your style, energy and unique voice.
As for our liberal friends? I see no problem, after all we know how much they champion free speech cutting both ways. So everything is coolsville.
Hooray for John T. Simpson and Big Hollywood!
German Porn is sick? The hell you say!
The "wise Latina" remark was not taken out of context, it was the entire point of the speech. If it was parody, what was the point? The whole speech was directed at enhancing the idea that racial and ethnic preconceptions should be part of the appellate process, and considering that she was addressing a largely Latino audience, I doubt she was doing it to make fun of them. The speech was given as part of a lecture series at my alma mater in 2001, so I paid plenty of attention to every word, then and now. It was a direct attack on Justice O'Connor's earlier remark that "a wise white woman and a wise white man would reach the same conclusions." Sotomayor's remark didn't bolster that by saying "and so would a wise Latina," it challenged it by saying "but not a Latina," thus injecting ethnicity into the debate as a factor which would cause her to reach a different conclusion. I don't miss much, and I sure didn't miss that.
Now am I calling you names? No. I guess you don't have anything valid to counter me with, so you have to resort to ad hominems. Typical.
Now THAT"S more like it!
Hooray is right! Let's joke about rape next.
Nice job, John. How many stereotypes did you manage to get into this piece? As for Huffpo's……well…. they only see us this way, so the only harm is that they can site this obviously ludicrous article. It gets butts in the seats, er… people reading on the screen. So…….. why not?
Why are people taking the Lord's name in vain on what is supposed to be a conservative website. Oh well, back to MovieGuide for true conservative insights.
LOL! Who CARES what liberals do with this over-the-top way obvious satire? That's the problem with conservatives- we're generally so nice that we let the mean girls and mean girly men have the day- best to mock, mock, mock, and mock them. Obama's skin is a thin as Rutherford's gold experiment, liberals thinner than that, so I say keep it up!
I don't know about this one John it definitely made me uncomfortable reading this. The humor does not come out the same as it would on stage. Maybe you should have used a video format. I just get the feeling you just gave someone a easy cut and copy new home page.
On a side note tough I sure would like to get me one of them big guns and the ammo to go with it. Just incase people think this is the way republicans think and I need to defend myself against someone that comes to attack me with their feelings.
Don't know if you are actually Latina or not; that you are not wise is obvious.
Wise Latina, a parody of leftists' stereotypical views of conservatives is not confirmation of those distorted views.
Simply wanting it to be true does NOT make it true. Conservatives believe what they see. Liberals see what they believe.
No, I think he is debating. Were you only looking for an apology from him?
Do you mean like this?
http://www.digitaljournal.com/article/260071
For him to actually bother "countering" you, would have required that you said anything more profound than "seriously dude, it's easy to make fun of conservatives when they are being serious." We are all waiting for you to say something interesting (well, actually we aren't, but that's because you don't really have anything worthwhile to say.)
That's , banjer…get it right, Yankee
Man, some people are so uptight.
Personally I loved this piece .
Well, of course we have to call out racists when we see them.
My vote's for not Latina AND not wise.
say are you using the new underarmor hood and gown? I think it works great in these areas of the flyover zone where it gets pretty hot and humid.
Run for it Jethro, I hear banjoes!!!
That is always good to know.
Please pick out of the liberal list your kernal of truth. I will choose for you OK sweety, "mentally disordered, drug-addled, tree-hugging, America-hating"
"If only liberal Democrat lefties would freely admit to all the world that they’re all hypocritical, mentally disordered, drug-addled, tree-hugging, America-hating, nihilist anarchist recruiting office-bombing, terrorist and dictator-loving, tinfoil hat, limp-wrist pansy spoiled brat full-grown trust fund Stalinist toddlers who couldn’t get gangbanged by the Green Bay Packers hard or fast enough (practice squads included)"
don't forget Benny Hill!
So sometimes you engage in the exact same thing that you're berating T-Rav for doing? I guess he got the fewer brains part right.
"Anyone with a brain can see through the sarcasm. Get over yourselves. We don't need this to make fun of right wing conservatives."
As opposed to left wing conservatives?
I agree that "anyone with a brain" will see through the sarcasm. This excludes most "progressives" and many liberals.
Wow… you've got to be pretty out of touch if you think anyone with a brain of any political persuasion wouldn't see this as satire. Even to a "humor-deficient" liberal like myself, it's obvious this is meant to be tongue-in-cheek. My problem with it isn't that it's offensive (it's not), but that it isn't funny. If anything, this is promoting false stereotypes about liberals by being such a lazy excuse for parody.
Newsflash for those of you living in a conservative echo chamber: I, like many Obama voters, get along fine with my Republican family members and friends; I know they aren't mouthbreathing buffoons by sheer virtue of their politics just like they know I'm not humorless, elitist, communist, a pedophile, or a baby-murderer just because I vote Dem sometimes. We laugh together, respect each other, and are able to disagree without resorting to this childishness.
One final curiosity: since when is the right wing so terrified at the thought of offending liberals, anyway?
do you realize that virtually all of them are prohibitted from using penicillin? Research has shown that the overwhelming majority of these cephalic cretins are down to two Betz Cells (these are those really neat neurons that most conservatives have bazillions of). Further testing has revealed that they are connected by a lone and lonely spirochete who despite his despicable nature and background has acquired the equivalent of a government job, keeping what passes for a cerebral cortex "active".( hee heee heee, take this vitamin ms frank, its good for u… )
say, I just love that honkin big gun. Is that a BAR?
Oh and Carlin did pretty much the same thing and the libs with 3 to 4 neurons liked his humor; problem is they won't be able to cross that vast cravass that exists twixt Carlin and you. Not your fault, they shouldnt have been drinkin all that antifreeze and sniffing glue.
I'm with LawHawk while this may be seen as satire from people on the right, it's just more ammunition for the disinformation crowd. Since when has truth ever stood in the way of any conversation you've had with someone on the left. I'm sorry but I didn't really think it was all that funny either because I've heard all this stuff way to many times during any conversation with a leftie and had to debunk every single stereotype that you jokingly reinforce.. I was mainly hoping to hear about that insane looking gun in the picture.
oh you dont have to worry about that she has been camping out in his septic tank conducting surveillance. Look at the bright side, she will probably look and smell better for it.
cloudbuster,
Grow a pair! They think this of us anyway, so why not make it sting less by continually stating it. What could they have remaining to hit us with? It's like gay instead of homo. Say it enough and nobody cares.
speaking of botox biddy, It was really cool the way her face got stuck in one postition for like an hour and a half the other day. I wonder if she is doing the shots herself? If so, then the question of systemic absorption becomes a real issue and the subsequent demise that can and will follow… but who would replace her?
I must be redneck – I thought this was rip-roarin' hil.a.ri.ous!
Since we have a president who is partially of the racial make up of a group that we have been diligently working night and day to keep down. Just watch the news and ask your self, since when has a president of the US been able to make up facts not once not twice but with every single speech. Then ask your self why hasn't there been a crescendo of criticism of the outright lies. There is not enough space to put all of his misstatements in this post but if your not familiar with them let me know and I'll start copy and pasting all of the highly incorrect statements that this president has made. That's the real question.
If you say Bush lied people died and don't back that up with what Bush actually lied about then………there is no more reason to respond because it's not us living in an echo chamber.
Conservative doesn't equal religious… Duh
You can take the liberal out of the sewage, but you can't take the sewage out of the liberal.
Wow. You kind of had me then you lost me when you took the Lord's name in vain. Most people posting here are conservative and on your side. I don't understand why people cannot express themselves without swearing. I didn't even bother reading past your first paragraph.
Did I ever say "Bush lied people died". No, nor have I ever used such a simpleminded phrase to engage in political discussion.
Your post is no response to mine, just a non sequiter and a good excuse to spout off your craziness. What the hell does "Since we have a president who is partially of the racial make up of a group that we have been diligently working night and day to keep down" mean? Are you talking about the fact that he is half-African? I hope you aren't talking about the fact that his father was raised Muslim…
Follow me closely here: Muslim is a religious descriptor. Race is a biological trait. You don't inherit your religion from your parents any more than you inherit an accent or political ideology. Either way, trying to keep blacks OR Muslims down as a blanket policy, if that's what you're suggesting, is beyond reprehensible. If you are trying to undo the supposed stereotypes in this story, you're just shooting yourself in the foot. Good work.
Uh, no it doesn't…
Nah…even those sippy cuppers at MSNBC should get the parody…shouldn't they? You mean they didn't understand the term "compassionate conservative"? Noooooooooo….I can't go on like this…
It's only taking the Lord's name in vain if you say "Jesus H. Christ"…that's totally different…GREAT PIECE JOHN, a masterpiece!
I think I sold the guy with the 50. cal the truck he's standing in front of….cool, Texas.
John, apparently some people have a different standard when it comes to "swearing". That's fine and completely their prerogative. If you people want swearing, I can supply some top shelf, grade A swearing…my retired Air Force combat vet Dad "accidently" taught me to swear…and don't try to lay the "swearing is a bad substitute for a good vocabulary" trip on me either, I can hang with you there as well.
John, apparently some people have a different standard when it comes to "swearing". That's fine and completely their prerogative. If you people want swearing, I can supply some top shelf, grade A swearing…my retired Air Force combat vet Dad "accidently" taught me to swear…and don't try to lay the "swearing is a bad substitute for a good vocabulary" trip on me either, I can "hang" with you there as well.
In a recent argument about same-sex marriage (i'm against it), a lefty asked me why I hated gay people. I answered that it makes them easier to beat up. They didn't know how to respond. They eventually realized I was making fun of them and went away.
For lack of any reasonable argument of their own, lefties like to put you on the defensive by accusing you of being something you aren't, so you spend the rest of the discussion trying to prove to them that you aren't a racist/homophobe/nazi/chickenhawk/fascist religious zealot rather than debating the issue at hand. If you take that gimmick away from them, libs have nothing.
I for one thought it was funny. Unlike a limp wristed, flag burning, vegan, atheist, drug addicted, baby killing, Marxist, Communist, Liberal I can find humor in something like your article without hiring Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton, The ACLU, Shawn Penn, Cher, Susan Sarandon, Perez Hilton and entire New Black Panther party to go on ABC, NBC, CBS, MSNBC, Public Television and CNN to decry how they are all victimized by the offending remarks made in your article. Brahahhahahahhahah. Keep it up.
Oh have to go need to oil my guns and have an appointment for a cross burning… Later.
I think she's a wiseass Latina..
P Mac: When a liberal tells me not to worry, that's when I really start worrying. I'm with the others on this one. It doesn't have anything to do with offending liberals, it's about a very liberal press and TV who will cover it as a news story, completely slanted, and pass it off on the general public as an example of conservative thinking. Even half-assed uninformed talking heads like Geraldo Rivera on supposedly conservative Fox New Channel take stuff like this and run with it as a hot item about conservative racism.
Indeed. The kernel of truth in Mr. Simpson's joke is that no one sets up a straw man like a left-wing moonbat.
And hey, lookie there…you proved him right.
I had a pretty funny reply to your previous post. It was no worse then your article. Geeeez this site it getting more censoring then Sara Palin at a Code Pink convention. Lighten up Breitbart.
Terrified of offending liberals…Me? Never..it's a speciality of mine..I practice at it. I challenge liberal college professors to their faces and DARE them to play "grade games" with me. I force Democrat / liberals / Marxist to defend their inheriantly weak positions. I challenge liberals to explain how they feel comfortable sleeping soundly every night, enjoying the freedoms they seek to destroy with their votes, actions and words. I challenge drivel dripping from liberals mouths like one of my favorites; "Support the Troops, Bring Them Home" at every turn. I ask them why they hate success, until they make some money, themn it's attorney time and tax shelters and hypocrisy that make Teddy "Chappaquiddick" Kennedy BLUSH…offend a liberal, my pleasure.
If you could point out where I made the mistake that you're claiming that I made. At which point did you infer that I was referring to keeping all Muslims down, I'm talking about keeping the black man down silly. Us white toil all day long to make sure that black people don't advance in this society (SARCASM). What you didn't catch was the sarcasm that white's are busy keeping black people down. To keep things clear for you so there isn't any more misunderstanding white people are very busy with living their own lives and providing for their families. Which I'm sure is the exact same thing that black people do. The idea that white people are actually busy keeping black people down is moronic but it's that same moronic idea that is a back seat driver to political discussions. When you have to explain the joke it loses all of it's funniness.
You did not say Bush lied people died I only prefaced that to make sure I was dealing with someone who could actually have a debate about something without throwing in silly nonsensical phrases. I'm gratified to know that I'm writing to someone who hasn't fallen into that pit and for that I salute you and give you a couple of points.
To summarize you completely misunderstood what I was saying and not by a little. I will take personal responsibility for the confusion I've been known to be vague. I was responding to your question when has the right ever been afraid to criticize the left. Personally I didn't think the article was any where near funny. The right is afraid to criticize the president because now we can be beaten over the head again and again about racism and not policy racism has nothing to do with policy. I would love an open debate about ideas.
I'm open to debating political ideologies the problem is that the left rarely basis any of their arguments on political ideology but more so on the feel good nature of things.
If you could point out where I made the mistake that you're claiming that I made. At which point did you infer that I was referring to keeping all Muslims down, I'm talking about keeping the black man down silly. Us white toil all day long to make sure that black people don't advance in this society (SARCASM). What you didn't catch was the sarcasm that white's are busy keeping black people down. To keep things clear for you so there isn't any more misunderstanding white people are very busy with living their own lives and providing for their families. Which I'm sure is the exact same thing that black people do. The idea that white people are actually busy keeping black people down is moronic but it's that same moronic idea that is a back seat driver to political discussions. When you have to explain the joke it loses all of its funniness.
You did not say Bush lied people died I only prefaced that to make sure I was dealing with someone who could actually have a debate about something without throwing in silly nonsensical phrases. I'm gratified to know that I'm writing to someone who hasn't fallen into that pit and for that I salute you and give you a couple of points.
To summarize you completely misunderstood what I was saying and not by a little. I will take personal responsibility for the confusion I've been known to be vague. I was responding to your question when has the right ever been afraid to criticize the left. Personally I didn't think the article was any where near funny. The right is afraid to criticize the president because now we can be beaten over the head again and again about racism and not policy racism has nothing to do with policy. I would love an open debate about ideas.
I'm open to debating political ideologies the problem is that the left rarely basis any of their arguments on political ideology but more so on the feel good nature of things.
Sounds like you don't know who you've tangled with…. Good luck but my money is on LawHawk.
Humor is lost on ideologues.
Hey don't know how you all will take this. But the people you see in those pictures may just be some of the ones that save our freedom when it hits the fan. Believe me even if the Marxist Liberals get their agenda through it is not over. I know people and I mean just normal working people who have done nothing but go to work and pays bills there whole life preparing if you know what I mean. This is not Europe. People do not take there freedom taken away lightly. It is not in our nature.
By the way, I'm not ducking you should you choose to respond. I have a prior engagement to attend to and I must split, asap. I like a debate, not a mud fest, although I can engage in either.
I just read a comment by a friend on Facebook about his hatred of those horrible hateful right-wing Republicans. He's so open minded, he's probably stupid enough to think you were being serious.
Did I say anything about the idiocy of stereotyping? I said, IF left-wingers take this seriously, they're both dumb and humorless. A third-grader would know this was tounge-in-cheek, and I'm glad to see you realize that. And precisely when has the shoe fit? When in our lifetimes has conservatism, as a philosophy, condoned things like racism, gay-bashing, blowing up abortion clinics, etc? This isn't rhetorical, btw.
I don't know about the fewer brains, but I sure got the lack of humor part right
John, this was a great post. The nervous ninnies who claim you've somehow damaged the conservative cause and given ammo to the left because you did not post a "WARNING THIS IS SATIRE!" message are being ridiculous.
The sheer volume of the cliches you've used and the over-the-top phrasing plainly screams SATIRE! That you have skewered most of the left's hyperbole and shibboleths not with a rapier but with a broadsword is just great. And you what else? If you do have to explain or defend this post further up the road in other media outlets, that's just another opportunity to get your point across and expose the dimwits as humorless fraidy cats.
John, this was a great post. The nervous ninnies who claim you've somehow damaged the conservative cause and given ammo to the left because you did not post a "WARNING THIS IS SATIRE!" message are being ridiculous.
Boy, did I kick a bucket of f*ing hornets, huh? LOL! GOOD! Personally, I have enough self-confidence and am secure in the truth of the matter that I can do this. I don't care what people think of me. Never have. BTW Jamesb, I'm ex-Navy. I've forgotten more about swearing than most of you will ever know. FYI.
And conservative does NOT mean religious zealot. I haven't been in church for thirty years except for Christmas masses with my girlfriend. Conservative means the opposite of everything I described liberal Democrat lefties as: strong, self-assured, confident, belief in America and all she represents, and kicking ass around the world when it needs to be kicked. Like Omar Bashir's, for example.
Anyone who's read my work here at BH knows where I'm coming from. For those of you who find my piece offensive, please ref the First Amendment, Larry the Cable Guy and Jeff Foxworthy. For those of you who worry
that this will make conservatives look bad, I say grow a pair. And to lefties who have no sense of humor, I say Screw 'em!
The sheer volume of the cliches you've used and the over-the-top phrasing plainly screams SATIRE! That you have skewered most of the left's hyperbole and shibboleths not with a rapier but with a broadsword is just great.
And you what else?
Dang, I've actually been quoted on another post! I feel like I've been elevated a level in the world of Internet bloggers. And yes, I agree that if this piece makes its way to the MSM, it will be taken as a straight-up conservative manifesto. Left-wingers do have a sense of humor, but it only exists when their ideological opponents are the butt of the joke. If you poke fun of their ideas, their heads spin.
Having to comment further on this post will give you greater opportunity to voice your position.
One last thought and I'm outta here. Funny that one commenter found my use of the Lord's name offensive, but never even mentioned the Green Bay Packers gangbang thing. Food for thought
Arrivederci, America!
Are you listening to yourself here? And you wonder why I said left-wingers have a small brain and a smaller funny bone! Are you even aware that when David Duke ran for office down in Louisiana, practically every major GOP person came out against him (including both George Bushes, who actually went out and stumped for his opponents)? This is why I said above that you'll sound much more intelligent if you actually explain your thoughts on conservatism as a philosophy instead of dropping names like David Duke and then pumping your fist in front of your computer and going, "ooo…zing!" And anyway, don't you have more pressing things to do, like explaining why Latina women are inherently better as judges than white males, or why empathy is a better judicial requirement than knowledge of the law?
John, I thought it was funny, …crude, but funny! I don’t give a damn what leftist think, and taking on stereotypes with the absurd is also effective IMO.
The problem here isn't the sentiment, or the intent. It's that it's just not the least bit funny. Effort was there, execution was weak. Sorry dude.
Got it, Jake. Michael Richards had days like this, huh? Audiences with no sense a Yuma, LOL! I duuno. I look at it like showing up at a KOS convention in a Klan outfit. I hope they DO crap their pants reading it! Screw 'em!
As to execution, I still think it tops Lenny Bruce reading court transcripts. But that's just me
In true Limbaugh / Hannity fashion, I plan to edit this and send it out to all my liberal friends to prove that all the stereotypes are true.
In true Sojourner Troof fashion. Don't forget all those wacko stereotypes about lib lefties, ST! Otherwise, it'd be like giving them Oreoes with all the cream licked out. BTW How many of those stuck in YOUR craw, ST
"urine running down peoples' legs here. Jesus Christ! And I thought Lefties were bad"!
I'm really starting to like this John T. Simpson feller. This place was getting stale with the "easy to offend" crowd. It's bad enough that we get it on one side from the like of Maureen Dowd. We also get it on the other from the Polly Prim crowd.
We need more people who are willing to take the fight to the enemy and show them how ridiculous their parodic views of conservatives really are.
I'll say it again, great piece John T.
"urine running down peoples' legs here. Jesus Christ! And I thought Lefties were bad"!
I'm really starting to like this John T. Simpson feller. This place was getting stale with the "easy to offend" crowd. It's bad enough that we get it on one side from the likes of Maureen Dowd. We also get it on the other from the Polly Prim crowd.
We need more people who are willing to take the fight to the enemy and show them how ridiculous their parodic views of conservatives really are.
I'll say it again, great piece John T.
LOVED it!!! And I'm Black!!!!!! Hysterical!
Rich, you just made my day. Made it all worthwhile. Thank you
Thank you mucho, John. And though I haven't read your gospel recently, I know it inside out. My dad was a Baptist deacon, see? Which is why haven't been in church for thirty years except Christmas. Early release for time served. This is how I serve God now. Making fun of those who offend him
I'll concur again
Testify brother!!!
I'm sick an tired of hiding in the corner believing that what I believe isn't the right thing to believe. Yeah I laughed at Brüno and I like dirty jokes. So sue me.
We get the slammed by the leftist media for being backwards no-brainers – then when you skewer their impressions you get the same kind of closed minded "oh you can't say that" from the right.
I feel your situation!
If you need a preachin' pick me up, check this out: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=REAlPEWq33c
lolz!
My righty, brethren, see, it's the lefties who are the humorless lot.
We're also supposed to be the ones who can read .
Read the piece again, y'all.
It's FUNNY.
And to my Christian teammates, look we're not all Christians, but we non-Christians would stand with you if the going got tough ( see: Palin, Sarah ).
But you lot will turn and run because some mean man used some bad words?
That's very disappointing…..to say the least
"If left-wingers take this seriously, they've got even fewer brains than I gave them credit for. And the same goes for their sense of humor. "
Agreed. Unfortunately, the brainless, humorless left controls much of the discourse today, and they will take Simpson's humorous, and obvious, satire at face value.
Yes, Simpson's piece satirizes what the left thinks libertarians, conservatives, and Republicans believe, and yes, it will be used as an example of a conservative saying what he really thinks. That is not a good thing, IMO.
On the other hand, fair-minded and rational people can see Simpson was throwing a stereotype back in the left's collective face, and when the HuffPo, DK, and Olbermann cite this as "straight" news they will be the ones looking silly.
so when your column hits Huffington, I'm sure it will have its desired effect after they edit it down a bit so as not to overreach. Yeah, that works.
Dalek, the left wing stereotypes ARE exaggerations! I nailed 'em all! And did I not poke fun at the other side at the end? Look, I have no fear. As far as I'm concerned, somebody calls me a racist from here on out, I'm gonna lay into 'em that I hate everybody and play no favorites. If someone says I hate gays, I'll say "who doesn't"? Why play their game? Stuff 'em!
The only way to disarm stereotypes isn't curling up in the fetal position and peeing your pants worrying. Throw it back in their face! A lot of people of all persuasions got the joke. You didn't. Welcome to comedy. Hit or miss. Sorry I couldn't entertain you. Maybe next routine, huh?
You did not mention whether you are an Evangelical. The big Gannett-owned newspaper in Iowa is always in terror that Evangelicals are going to take over the state and bring some kind of Yezhov/Beria religious regime to the Midwest.
Well, I enjoyed it. Of course, I wish I hadn't been taking a bite of chili when I scrolled down, but that's ok, the bean came out of my nose. The second pic here was enough for laughs all on its own. I think I know that guy from HS. Thanks, John.
Clever, but you miss the point. It is important to determine how Sotomayor thinks before she can be lifted to a body like the Supreme Court. We often express our true thoughts in off the cuff remarks. That's why people want to know what she meant — particularly because, on it's face, these comments appear to indicate bias. Add to that decisions like Ricci and her judgment really does become suspect.
This column, on the other hand, is simply failed parody, which will never get a public hearing to determine what it really meant.
My ex husband, (an ex marine & redneck), and his friends used to say I could out cuss a sailor before he even knew what hit him. LOL. I have worked very hard to tune down my voluntary Tourette's/ Goodness gracious, someone says a word and you freak out? Wow, remind me not to look for you to pair up with if the whole world goes into armageddon mode.
Can't tiptoe through Big Media's tulips. That is precisely why we are today on the brink of losing all our freedoms.
Besides, that pic that tops your column? Mine's bigger.
To those who think this'll backfire (which, btw, was really funny) I think you're missing the point. Or maybe I'm missing the point; which is entirely possible. Anyway, I don't think it was targeting Conservatives or Liberals, I believe it was aimed at people who fall in the middle. Liberals already believe this nonsense, and nothing you say or do will ever change their mind. Ever. Because, really, nobody's more close minded than an "open minded Liberal" who's already made up their mind.
And so what if it gets posted at Kos or Huffington? How can you reinforce a belief that will never, ever change; no matter what you do?
And the author's got a point — you lump every single stereotype into one post and showcase how silly it really is…
Y'all won't recokoneyes me now that mhaw dun kut my hair.
Jack: "Before I married my lovely wife, I never knew people were this hypocritical and total blind or the truth. But there is hope, She watches Fox news and hates Obama."
WOW! There is a cure for liberalism after all!
BTW, my mother said Reagan was a bumbling old fart, and she was a lot older than him. And did a lot of bumbling herself.
Maureen Dowd Who? I saw a picture of someone named that years ago — she looked like a pimped up hooker.
You forgot the many hundreds of thousands of jobs saved. Likewise he is now talking about how heathcare will be saved. Etc.
Your last paragraph is a total over simplification of what is going on in the radical and even more moderate Islamic community. Muslim may be a religious descriptor (description?) but try deciding that "Islam's not my bag man"…see how that flys with the local Mullah. Ask Salman Rushdie how that works out. It is MORE than a simple matter of syntax. Islam has sects that are dedicated to eliminating as many westerners as possible purely on grounds that are ideological and theocratic. Their whole way of thinking is totally out of sync with the broader world. Please don't ask me how long I spent in a Muslim masjid staring at the carpet from 6'' away. That's not relevant; in fact an extended period in Europe taught me volumes about Islam and I'm sure I gained insight as to what they have planned for the USA. I've said before, it may be a one hundred year plan or even two hundred years, they will try to subjugate us and eliminate Christianity, it's what they believe is right. I just don't believe in assisting them now by passively ignoring what is happening. 9/11 was the opening salvo, much dying will follow, unfortunately. Let's make it more of them than us.
Conserning posts #1 and #2….
I really could give a $h!t less what Keef Ubermelon thinks. Fok him and feed him fish heads.
(Figuratively speaking only about the "Fok him" part…maybe you could rustle up Jenin Garalfalo – intentionally Zionistically misspelled – to Fok him for us… or perhaps not – I forgot, she's the left-handed dyke in the tool box)
I would love to hear your explanation for Obama's comment that America is the largest Muslim nation on earth. Since you brought up the Muslim thing. Obama is constantly making up facts to support deluded arguments. Or I would love to hear about the 7 extra states that this country hasn't heard about ever. Sorry no constitutional scholar would make such dubious verbal mistakes, perhaps we should talk to the man typing in all of Obama's ideas. Personally I think Obama is the best thing that has ever happened to the Conservative party. Obama is helping to bring to light all of the insanity that is on the left. That's why his numbers are diving, when people actually get to see what the left is really all about bye bye poll numbers and bye bye Democrats.
Okay, I'm going to jump in and fight for John T. Simpson here.
You guys are a bunch of pussies.
No wonder conservatism is viewed as humorless and stuffy. You're so worried about what the "cool kids" think. What HuffPo and Oberman will say… If they hold this up as the poster for conservatism, then they just dig themselves deeper.
And there's nothing there in the first half that a Gerafalo liberal don't already believes to be true.
That's not a .50. It looks like a Soviet 14.5mm antitank rifle.
I'm in a similar marital situation. The nice thing is my fatker-in-Law was a Ranger, and we see eye to eye. I try not to talk poiltics, because it raises my blood pressure. At least I don't have to hear "Bush this, and Bush that anymore". With the disaster the current administration is creating,I take slace in the fact that it won't be long before the thickest libtards realize what a mistake Barry Donut was.
In the spirit of the "Fairness Doctine", I'd like to see a similar parody of Liberal stereotypes. A story on "arugula eating Prius driving save the gay baby whale" types would be funny.
I say it worked for me John.
Even getting all the little stereotype nuances was a very nice touch .. (although that picture of the "Guy"? in shorts … creeped me out 
*ROTFL*… oooh.. I didn't even think about that… John, you better keep an eye on the parking spaces around your house… Just in case you see any of those black chevy electric suburbans.. (I'd suggest blocking off all the electric stations so they can't get the juice for those federales cars!)
Great article, pretty funny and I did get a kick out of it….
Must be why she said it multiple times over the years since it was a slip of the tongue right?
What a foolish post! If you were trying to be funny…I'm not laughin. I'm insulted. In your attempt at satire you imply that conservatives really do hold these views. I don't, and I don't know any conservative that does.
That means they have to admit to the Lefty stereotypes I put here too? No it doesn't!
Dude, honestly, get over your frigging self and unlike the ball less wonders you have for comedians we at least can make jokes out of everyone, even your precious "One".
[...] at Big Hollywood, John T. Simpson describes his life as a conservative Republican: I go to bed full of hate and wake up the same. I hate blacks, Hispanics, gays, women, abortion [...]
You people sound like liberal apologists. Since when did conservatives make any progress trying to appease the Left? When did we start worrying about what the people who will never agree with us think more than those that share our opinions and beliefs? NOTHING will appease the Left because they are a mostly irrational bunch living far from reality. You will never understand or predict their behavior because, in order to do so, you must apply the same rational thought that led you to your conservative principles.
Unapologetic, brash conservatism is exactly what Simpson's piece portrays and exactly what the movement needs. I found the article, and the author's comments, refreshingly adamant.
You're sh-tting me, REALLY? Dang, that thing is crazy. See, now I've flunked the armaments 3101 section of being a redneck, and I'm a Texan! I'll drop and do my 30 pushups then run some stadiums at the local highschool.
excellent point. watch the paid Dem operatives on TV. Deflect the question, turn it around and obfuscate like hell…that's their tactic…meanwhile we are marched at the end of a rhetorical bayonet toward Euro-style socialism.
I gotta agree with John and John. The whole POINT of satire is that some people will believe it's true, and thus it exposes their ignorance while simultaneously providing humor for those "in the know."
The problem Conservatives tend to have with satire isn't so much the satire as it is the follow through. That is, once the satire is done, if people fall for it, the proper response is to mock their stupidity, NOT to fear it! Liberals are good at this because they understand the importance of shaming the enemy (us). John T. Simpson here takes the first step in returning fire, and instead of gearing up to expose liberal ignorance to something that is OBVIOUSLY satire, some conservatives are hiding in their bunkers. That's exactly the way to NOT succeed at winning back the culture.
Sorry, Bohemond, but that is a pre-WW2 Finnish Lahti 20mm semi-automatic anti-tank rifle; notice the little skis? Those were to make it easier to drag around in the snow.
I have some old Guns & Ammo magazines from the early 60's; they used to sell those (in the the pre-GCA '68 days) for about $100 or so; I forget what the ammo went for….
Is that the 50cal sniper rifle with a flare suppressor? Plannin' on doin' some huntn'?
Lighten up, Francis.
See, this is exactly the point of my original comment. U2Dave was being satirical about "a group that we have been diligently working night and day to keep down" and you were all too ready to take him at face value and chastise him for his "beyond reprehensible" statement. Yet I am to expect that Mr. Simpson's column will not be similarly misinterpreted?
That was f-ing hilarious. I'd feel bad for you if it was true.
Cloudy, welcome to the Left: misinterpretation by design. You may as well try to plead with the Iranian government that the innocent protesters they killed weren't backed by the West. Truth ain't got nothin' to do with it. Two Minutes Hate ring a bell? Keith Olbermann? Jeanine Garofalo?
I say screw 'em! I hope they drop a pantload reading this! They should be the ones in Depends, not us! Why So Serious?
Yes, actor, I have had a lot of experience, sans the tinfoil, vaccum cleaner and German Scheisser videos. Prefer KY over Vaseline, though. Kinda messy and hard to wash off. Let me guess, actor. You're not a conservative, right
Screw decaf! Why not just call DHS and have me sent to a re-education camp for electro-shock therapy? Better yet, line me up against the wall and shoot me? Sorry, that's the coffee talking, and I don't mean Linda Richman. Maybe ya got a point there
Whatever the cost of the ammo, if you can still buy it these days then the cost has tripled or quadrupled since November.
That would be a flash suppressor, and for something that large you would likely have a muzzle brake which may or may not have some amount of flash suppressing capability.
Should work good on grizzlies, the range on that is about the closest I would want to get to one in the wild.
Yup, You're right. Well, I did say "looks like"….
Grizzlies, rhinos, elephants…. the damn thing was built to shoot *tanks* with!
"Screw decaf!" How "Pythonesque"!
Law.. I gotta SERIOUSLY disagree with you on your opinion on this one… anyone who tries to pass this off as a "legitimate article' of conservatives/Republicans should probably just turn over their voter registration card right now.
Everything that John has written in this parody, I'VE already heard from a celebrity, a 'spokesperson' for some organization on the left, or (even worse) an "official" news-journalist and they act as if it's a valid argument. TC said it himself in another comment:
"Liberals already believe this nonsense, and nothing you say or do will ever change their mind."
You put every stupid stereotype of conservatives together that you ever hear.. and look how ridiculous all those complaints are put together in one big list/article.
Besides: John hit the nail on the head with the following paragraph:
"I put it all on the table, people. Now, if only liberal Democrat lefties would freely admit to all the world that they’re all hypocritical, mentally disordered, drug-addled, tree-hugging, America-hating, nihilist anarchist recruiting office-bombing, terrorist and dictator-loving, tinfoil hat, limp-wrist pansy spoiled brat full-grown trust fund Stalinist toddlers who couldn’t get gangbanged by the Green Bay Packers hard or fast enough (practice squads included), maybe we’ll get somewhere in this country."
So if they (liberals) are going to admit the rest of it is 100% 'factual', dont' they have to admit that this paragraph is also 100% 'factual'?
"Demonstrating absurdity by being absurd"… John did just that and John, I say you did it well (I was almost expecting you to forget the NASCAR and cars on blocks references, but you didn't fail to disappoint)..
Rhinos and elephants are pretty rare in PA, although we do see plenty of assorted bears. Perhaps someday I'll visit Alaska and want something more than my 30-30.
Hmm, I wonder why PETA hasn't blasted Palin for the destruction of Alaska's wild herds of rhinos and elephants. Perhaps they are too busy killing animals they have "rescued" again.
I really wish he hadn't mentioned "Teflon-coated ammo." The coating when it came out was an attempt to reduce bore fouling, what made such ammo armor-piercing was a steel core. I do not like such mentions when they show up on cop shows and did not appreciate it here. The gun banners are so rabid I wonder if I was seen holding a can of Teflon spray coating if I would get reported as planning to kill cops. (PS: Don't mention around them that any reliable ammo for deer can penetrate regular police-issue body armor, unless it is an isolated individual who's head you are certain will explode ala Scanners.)
Otherwise, I have no complaints.
Yes, misinterpretation by design. How the fuck am I supposed to know this joker was being sarcastic? The rest of his post wasn't sarcastic, and he didn't even attempt to explain his point. That's the problem – it's hard to see satire when it's not clever. In fact, one could argue that it isn't real satire if it isn't funny. And keep comparing me to loathsome idiots like Olbermann and Garofalo. Wake up, you jackass. These people are entertainers. I don't assume that all conservatives are as backwards and hypocritical as Rush Limbaugh or Jerome Corsi. The point is you can't equate either party with the jackasses that profess to represent them. Damn the people on this site are dense.
That is the funniest thing I've read in a long time. That just made my day.
Ahh, you worry too much, kadaka. Remember, this is America. It is our government that should be worried about us, not the other way around. We pull the levers, remember? Besides, the NRA is big. Libs hate it! Works for me
True enough. (BTW, thanks for the reminder, I better check the pricing in Dillon's "The Blue Press" soon.)
After all, "Teflon coated bullets" is just a phrase libs like to throw around, and when has such ever harmed anyone?
I'm going to have to go with 'show a little backbone'. If you're that scared of the Left, you've already lost.
Actually, none.
How the obama could you not know he was sarcastic? "Klan hoods" in the third sentence when the KKK comes from Democrats, I mean come on now!
Some of you may remember that Greg Gutfeld used to post articles on HuffingtonPost. He snarked, satirized, and poked fun at the lefties with great relish, right there on their home territory. He regularly had them frothing at the mouth and calling for his head. Didn't slow him down a bit. In fact, he's still doing it as host of Red Eye on the Fox News Network.
Imagine telling Gutfeld, "Oh my, Greg, you shouldn't say such things – the KosKids will use it as ammo to bash all conservatives!" Hah! Good luck with that!
Conservative cojones seem to be in short supply. We could use more John T. Simpsons and Greg Gutfelds to push back against the hysterical (and seemingly indefatigable) left wing noise machine.
What a pitiful failure. If you want to write parody, read some first, and get a clue about how to do it. Read Jonathan Swift's A Modest Proposal (or Gulliver's Travels!), or Mordecai Richler's Cocksure. One of the things we learned in English Lit. in University is that the best satire (of which parody is a genre) is written by conservatives lamenting the influence of libertines (NOT liberals!) on society & politics. In other words, conservatives have done some wonderful spoofing in the past – but not here.
[...] did I ever kick a hornet’s nest with my tongue-in-cheek Archie Bunker-on-steroids BH post, “My Secret Life as a Conservative Republican.” Lefties called it Reaffirmation With [...]
Your supposed to be a conservatyive ,not a bloody POPE. Get a life…. Very funny article. WELL DONE
When people can laugh at themselves it makes a more peaceful world.
Taking you at face value, what gets me about Orange County and Alabama Republicans, and I guess there's some in Montana too, although I always felt good about Montana, is that nobody is really excited about the war in Afghanistan. The mass media are creeping up on us with the story line that the war is "becoming unpopular," which is always a self-fulfilling prophecy if it is repeated often enough. Why do they get away with that? Well, part of it comes from the Democratic Party — the war IS unpopular with a big chunk of their voters. Any way is, at least since the days when a Democratic president and his super-majority in congress got us into Vietnam in a big way. The other part of it is, patriotic God-fearing gun-owning Republicans aren't getting behind the war either. They aren't coming out for immediate withdrawal, but they're keeping quiet. All the excited shouting is over otehr stuff, closer to home. The truth is, they just can't rally behind a war when the commander-in-chief is Barack Obama, no matter what is at stake for America. Where are all the bumper stickers "I SUPPORT PRESIDENT OBAMA AND OUR TROOPS" ??? As Glenn Beck said on one of his better days, if Obama fails, America fails. Is it worth letting al-Qaeda get its hands on a few of Pakistan's nuclear weapons to make Obama look bad? (More details, if anyone has the stomach for it, at http://MadFederalist.blogspot.com).
You must be logged in to post a comment.