Did You Hear the One About President Obama?
by John T. SimpsonYou know, people, it’s a damn shame. I remember when great comedians like Richard Pryor and Lenny Bruce held nothing sacred. I know I don’t. And so many comedians, especially late-nighters, are really missing the boat with President Obama. There’s a wealth of material just waiting to be tapped, and I’m really not looking forward to four more years of lame Bush and Palin jokes. Are you?
All it takes is one person to break the ice. Example. Twenty years ago, my brother won tickets to a Journey concert in Worcester, Massachusetts on the radio. We rode a packed WBCN Party Bus out of Boston, but everyone was kind of uptight and kept to themselves, like there were cops in the crowd. So I took a risk and lit up a big fattie anyway. Within minutes, it was like a Cheech and Chong movie. You couldn’t see out the windows. Everyone was laughing, joking, hacking and toking.
So, at the risk of stinking up the joint again, but with the possible reward of jovial comradery and a few laughs, looks like I’ll have to be the first one to light up. The only real question is, will this be the torching that finally gets me arrested?
So be it. Great reward often involves great risk. To be fair, Jimmy Kimmel went to a black barbershop to ask black people what subjects for humor were taboo or not. Very funny stuff. As for me, I’m gonna live a little more dangerously, like Pryor and Bruce. Here goes my comedy career!
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“Did you hear President Obama had to cancel his press conference today? Got his halo stuck in a TelePrompTer!”
“President Obama said he’s unlike all those other presidents we’ve ever had, and he’s right. What other president in American history could fit in at both an NAACP dinner and a KKK rally?”
“Did you hear Newsweek editor Evan Thomas said Obama was like God? In related news, the American Medical Association recommended that journalists covering the President should see their doctors for regular prostrate exams.”
“The Obamas held their first open-to-the-public Easter Egg Hunt today. Thirty thousand guests hid their wallets around the White House grounds for Timothy Geithner to find!”
“In related news, the Obama Administration seized millions of dollars from the accounts of online poker players. Strangely enough, they were all corporate executives who canceled junkets to Vegas on the President’s recommendation. Just goes to show, the house always wins!”
“First Lady Michelle Obama was seen walking around London today wearing a stuffed orange snake around her waist. In related news, former GM Chairman Rick Wagoner was spotted walking around Detroit wearing his ass for a hat.”
“Jimmy Carter was honored by the Palestinians today for his support in helping them toward independence. In this Fourth of July spirit, Hamas revelers set off fireworks on Israel.” (I know that wasn’t about Obama. Just mixing it up, like a good sit-down comedian should. Besides, one Carter’s as good as another when it comes to comedy!)
“Well, the Reverend Jeremiah Wright is back in the news again. Said ‘them Jews’ won’t let him in to see Obama. Seems the Good Reverend is going to unusual lengths to get an audience with his former parishioner. He was last seen roosting like a chicken on the White House fence.”
“Former Obama associate William Ayers is back in the news. Seems he was barred from entering Canada over a forty-year old felony conviction. Fortunately, he was able to catch a ride back with Janet Napolitano, who was just barred from Canada for felony idiocy.”
“As you all know, the President promised to find new homes for the Chinese Uighur detainees at Gitmo. Four are now in Bermuda, and another thirteen will be soon be sent the island paradise of Palau. In related news, the Taliban and Al Qaeda reported a recent upsurge in recruits.”
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I tried to come up with Biden jokes. I really did. But the guy’s a Perfect Storm of Comedy. It’s like trying to make jokes about Curly Howard. How can you top perfection?
So there it is. The ice is broken, and possibly my clean criminal record as well. Oh well. Life’s a laugh and death’s a joke, it’s true. By the way, if any of you have any great joke ideas, or know any great Obama jokes, please post them in the comments section. It’s not like anyone in Hollywood or the media is going to steal them and cash in on them. Have fun!
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195 Comments
Obama says we should be proud to pay more taxes, but the funny thing is that most of us could be just as proud for half the money.
Stolen from a whole library of Obama jokes!
.
The new Obama quarters had to be recalled. The ears kept getting stuck in vending machines.
.
Okay, just one more, I swear:
Q. What will America's national bird be when Obama takes office?
A. His middle finger.
)
.
Want to see Michelle Obama get excited? Toss a stick on the floor.
Lots of people say Obama's ears are too big. Well the only way they'll look any smaller is if his head keeps growing.
Lots of reporters at the last White House Correspondents dinner were thrilled to find out that their complimentary gift would be a presidential pearl necklace.
Nice try John. Since the late night and cable "comedian pundits" have such a secure liplock on Obama's butt, they are too nervous to say anything critical. President "O" just might dump on them.
Obama wears a bracelet that reads, "WWOD." What Would Obama Do?
Science has finally discovered an object so massive even Chuck Norris can't move it: Obama's ego.
Why did Obama cross the road? To blame Bush for the crumbling infrastructure.
In an effort to support the dissidents in Iran., Obama just announced the newest US aircraft carrier will be named the USS 'Supreme Leader"
Difference between God and Obama-One does know everything, one thinks he knows everything. How they are alike-neither has a birth certificate.
These aren't mine but they are good:
The Top Ten Reasons President Barak Obama Delayed the Use of Deadly Force on the 'Somali Pirates'
10. They are potential campaign donors for 2012.
9. One looked like a former neighbor.
8. All were carrying DNC cards.
7. When BO's staff identified them as "Pirates", Barak Obama thought they were from Pittsburgh.
6. Two of the four were registered with "ACORN".
5. Didn't want to support the use of firearms for protection, thus backing the stance of the 'NRA'.
4. Wanted positive confirmation that they were in fact, Not members of the Rainbow Coalition.
3. The Tele-prompter was broken and he had nothing to say.
2. No Photo-op existed.
And the Number # 1 reason
1. They may be Relatives.
My son is half black, and one day he told his mom and I that he could be president some day, my wife looked him in the eyes and said "No you can't, Obama screwed it up for you, sorry"
Barrack Obama walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder.
The bartender says, "Nice. Can't it talk?"
The parrot says, "Not without a teleprompter."
During the campaign Obama said all Americans should know a foreign language, so he has ordered that Arabic be taught in every school in the 57 states.
Obama is too competent to joke about. (I know, I know that was stolen from Letterman. I know, I know, he wasn't actually joking.) But go ahead, try and say it out loud without rolling on the floor laughing.
Unfortunately, anyone breaking this ice will likely be drowned a flooding surge of brown shirt hysteria. That being said, how many Obamas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. After the first hundred days, everything in the country is already screwed.
Obama is a joke, and is the primary source of the top ten reasons, not to vote for progressive/liberal/Democrat candidates.
and where should I put the new National bird?
I think some humorless Leftie insurgent trolls are thumbs-downing our comments, like the aircraft carrier USS Supreme Leader joke. That's funny! Please show your support and thumbs-up all the jokes you find humorous. Let them thumbs-down it at KOS.
BH is our Republic. Make Your Vote Count! And if any them call you a racist, just tell them "Nah, my brother's the big NASCAR fan." Our best two weapons are comedy, ridicule and intelligent humor. Wait! Our three best weapons are comedy, ridicule, intelligent humor and witty backhands. Our FOUR best weapons are…
What's the difference between God and obama? God doesn't think he's obama.
Well there does seem to be a developing relationship with the Obama administration and the American peoples A**'s lately. No?
Holy Crap it actually posted……………………..Yippeeeeeeee…………………….
How much does it cost for the President and First Lady to have a date night in NYC? Oh, wait, that's not a joke. That's a real question!
Also – "Jesus wears a bracelet that reads "WWOD" What Would Obama Do?"
Obama walks into a bar in Washington with a big parrot on his shoulder. "Christ" said the barman, "where did you get that thing?" "Out on the street" said the parrot, "there's a million of them!"
Okay, I'll try my own hand at this comedy writer gig:
****
Know why the Left keeps moving the goal posts farther and farther apart?
They're trying to make room for Obama's ears.
****
(and yeah, I'll keep my day job. Not to worry!) Thanks, John, this is fun!
Like Bush, Obama invited Ted Kennedy over for "movie" night. Oh wait, I got that wrong. He invited him over for "booty" night.
I'm still waiting for someone to answer if she's pre-op or post-op……………Too much? LOL…..
Oh man that's good……..
I know why the Obama's haven't found a new church. They haven't found one that has Barry's picture above the Altar yet!
Which brings to mind the other joke:
There was a tattoo artist contest at the local biker bar. The winner had three political likenesses on his butt. Biden was on the left cheek, Colin Powell on the right cheek, and Obama was in the middle.
Obama has announced that for any dissidents that have been made homeless due to the riots,the US will provide free air transportation to Gitmo.
Hopefully Ted doesn't have to drive over any bridges for the booty call………………..Bridges are Teddy's Kryptonite…..
You win!
Their lip lock is on the OTHER side.
One trip to New York for the Royal Couple: Price $25,000 (give or take a couple a hundred thousand dollars)
The look on the American Peoples faces when they get the bill: Priceless………
The Barry Card, For everything else there's welfare…………………..
Obama and Ahmabigonad die and go to hell. Satan says to Ahmabigonad "Most people get thrown into the lake of fire, but for certain notables we've got private rooms, let me show you around."
So the two look in on several rooms filled with historical dignitaries experiencing the worst kind of torment.
They open the door to the next room and there is Marilyn Monroe having sex with Barack Obama.
Ahmabigonad says, "Barack Obama, leader of The Great Satan, sent to hell and he's having sex with Marilyn Monroe?
Satan says, "That's HER punishment."
That's brilliant!!!
Dude, wow.
My Mother said to me
"Flies in the WhiteHouse – just throw the garbage out…"
Here are some jokes from the Obama campaign WE can find funny!
"I fully support gay rights, and fully oppose DADT and DOMA!" Nudge nudge, wink wink!
"I fully support the release of torture photos!" OUCH!
"I fully oppose military tribunals!"
"Mine will be a transparent government!"
The clincher? "I promise not to raise your taxes!" Actually, that's last one's not funny. Such is black comedy.
After a Hard day of Spending Trillions of dollars that belonged to the children of tomorrow, stealing corporations from their rightful owners to give to his union cronies, and passing rules and regulations to make America less free and safe, Barrack Hussein Obama was tired.
His wife decided to relax him by giving the President a special treat. She knelt down in the Oval office after everyone had left, and unzipped the Presidential fly. Just as she was about to go to work, she noticed a ring of lipstick around the first member. "Barrack", shie shoulted, "is this George Stephanapolous' lipstick again!"
Before the President could respond, Brian William's head popped-out of the Presidential posterior. "Don't worry, Madame First lady", said the NBC news correspondent. "I'll happily lick that off for you".
This one is rough.
Obama tried to convert to Isl*m but the imams said no because he eats too much pork.
And I don't mean the stimulus bill. Think about it.
Obama tried to convert to Ju*daism but the rabbis said they couldn't find a yarmulke big enough.
someone show me the comedians that are make fun of the obama administration please…. I have been searching utube and haven't found one… scary stuff guys.
The comments are getting all cattywampus again.
The REAL JOKE here is that this lame Comment board has been up for over three hours…and there are 45 comments — all from the SAME NINE (9) GOP freaks. John Simpson, of course, comments on himself the most ! P-a-t-h-e-t-i-c.
All these jokes kill on tha' GOP homegrown — and it makes total sense looking at John Simpson he went to a Journey concert in 1989…16 years after they we're hot! Who opened? Grand Funk Railroad and Helen Reddy?
That's the sad part about being Republican: You are never cool…you are never funny – or fun…and you have to always be told what's hip since you cannot make up your own mind. The best joke for you GOP tools is below:
REGISTERED Republicans swayed Obama's win!!! HAHAHA Obama for 2012? Don't stop believin'!!
Your post made me laugh hardest of all. What makes a liberal a leftist? When he expects Obama to keep his promises.
There are more prostitutes in DC than ever before. . .the interns wanted to return to a truly honest profession.
*MissQuinn*
"Obama for 2012? Don't stop believin'!! "
I have two words for you: Jimmy Carter.
Goes to show that the feigned outrage at Letterman was just that …Feigned!!!!!!
Some doubt Obama's Messiahship. But he truly can do the miraculous; look how many dead people voted for him in Chicago alone!
And I have 4 words for you… Ronald Reagan is DEAD
Anything to keep a nutjob such as McCain and Palin out of office is worth it.
Dude…I'm crying over that one!!!! TOO funny…LMFAO
Speaking of nuts, you work for ACORN by any chance?
Why are you here? Nobody cares about you and your idiocy.
No, but he's got one wedged between his ears.
[...] posts: John T. Simpson, Big Hollywood: Did You Hear the One About President Obama? Black & Right: Broken Left Speaker and Quote of the Day Tim Slagle, Big Hollywood: Political [...]
If I were going to a Journey concert I would feel a need to smoke a "big fattie"…. : )
Wow your so right! I really need to be a Liberal Democrat. Your just so much fun! Running around to conservative websites and posting witty remarks. My God! I've been missing all the fun……
I'm gonna run right out, get a lobotomy, and then join the Democrats……..
The ears made me think of the Ferengi. The Ferengi made me think of the Rules of Acquisition. And do you know what rule Number One is? You're gonna love this folks:
1). Once you have their money…never give it back.
(And Obama certainly has our money…)
http://www.angelfire.com/trek/fredrik/rules.html
Eat your heart out..better yet buy some rope and relieve yourself of Obama's Presidency…Use of bridges is free..
And you have nothing between yours……..hahahahahahahahaha
How does it feel to be the token black?
See, you guys do know how great Ronnie was, you just need to be more open about it. Thanks.
Not to mention several handfuls lodged elsewhere.
By the way, how come every troll feels the need to type "HAHAHAHAHAHAHA" all the time? Is that how they make up for a lack of a sense of humor?
More likely since trolls are simple folk, they just like pushing the pretty buttons over and over and over….
John McCain was falsely accused of being spotted with a sexy blond lobbyist in a sleazy dress. It turned out that it was just Rudy Giulliani.
This little old lady calls 911. When the operator answers she yells, "Help, send the police to my house right away! There's a damn Democrat on my front porch and he's playing with himself."
"What?" the operator exclaimed. "I said there is a damn Democrat on my front porch playing with himself and he's weird; I don't know him and I'm afraid! Please send the police!" the little old lady repeated.
"Well, now, how do you know he's a Democrat?"
"Because, you damn fool, if it was a Republican, he'd be screwing somebody!"
Here's one I read the other day…
Rahm Emmanuel walks into the Oval Office and tells President Obama "Three Brazilian soldiers were killed this morning". Obama looks concerned, thinks for a minute, and then asks "How much is a brazillion?"
See now that's a decent joke. Congratulations.
First rule of cool, only a fool talks about how others ain't cool.
It's the only way they get laughs.
Excellent – +1
Two guys are sitting around talking about politics.
One of them asks the other, "So why are you a Democrat?"
"Because my daddy and granddaddy were Democrats," was the man's reply.
"What if your daddy and granddaddy were horse thieves?"
"In that case, I guess I'd be a Republican."
Obama and Pelosi are in a sinking boat in the middle of the ocean. Who is saved?
The country.
Boy, Did somebody ever get under YOUR skin, Queef! Thank you. No higher compliment could I ask for.
Also, Queef, yes, I would see GFR if they toured today. Helen Reddy, not so much. Besides, KUMBAYA is the lamest song ever written, and it's lefties' national anthem! No accounting for taste. Or humor. Then again, I suppose you can't laugh unless it's Sarah Palin or Conservative Top Ten Women rape joke.
Really glad I pissed you off , though! In fact, I don't what's funnier, the jokes being posted, or your foaming-at-the-mouth rants! Both work for me
Be careful..The grammar police is out and about.. they might correct you for word usage as in never use who with thing, place etc etc.
I like your joke though ..its a keeper.
Now there's the Left Wing Libtard talk we all love……………….Are you related to Rhambo Emanuel by any chance?
We talk about jokes, and you talk about rope. By the way, here's photo of Anti_GOP, FYI.
http://www.thenoseonyourface.com/wp-content/uploa...
And so are the Democrats in the next election.
I thought you might be going for a procreation angle and I immediately purge all of my precious bodily fluids.
Try rewording it and have it still work as a joke. That's the trick.
[...] Was Funny? (Obama Ushers in New Era of Comedic Irresponsibility) John T. Simpson, Big Hollywood: Did You Hear the One About President Obama? Tim Slade: Political Late Night Winners and Losers S.T. Karnick, Big Hollywood: O’Brien Plays it [...]
His runner up choice was "Austrian".
Now that's funny…….Me push 'em buttons, me likey buttons………..(followed by lot's of drooling..)
Lame. Why be so partisan. Dems good, Repubs bad. Doesn't that get boring considering you feel compelled to defend hacks and criminals? Same goes for GOP diehards. Either political party will sell you out if they think they have something to gain. Stand up for your values instead.
LOL…!!!
I am keen to engage anyone on the issues we face, but since this site is not exactly prone to intellectual rigors of American policies, I am just having fun.
I do however get your message.
Obama announced a savings in healthcare for the Whitehouse press corps today. They now only need open their eyes and text a description of their prostrate to their doctors.
Obama has been said to be like a god. Unfortunately, he's like one of the petty, vindictive Greek and Roman gods who screwed with mortals for their amusement.
Thank you. Most of the trolls seem mentally handicapped but I sensed a difference with you. I'll get a bunch of negatives for saying this but I encourage you to keep posting here as it stimulates discussion. Just keep it elevated above the usual antagonists.
By the way this site is devoted to cultural examinations of the dominant left in the arts and humanities, not necessarily about American policies.
Very funny, all of you guys!
I need to get registered to give plusses when deserved.
ROFL! Now, that's funny!
Sorry for breaking GOP orthodoxy. Please unleash your negative ratings. However, if anything I posted above is wrong please correct me with statements of fact.
There we go! Plusses to the good ones.
I think the stupidest defense the comedy writers have is that Obama is just so awesome that there's nothing to make fun of. I think Obama's chintzy thoughtless gifts to our greatest allies (from the guy who was supposed to save us from the undiplomatic Bush) was ready to become a Saturday Night Live routine of the highest caliber. Instead, no one will touch it. It's not like there aren't any jokes; they just don't want to make them.
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