It’s Good To Be a Dad
by Joseph C. PhillipsIt was a glass mug that I treasured dearly. My sophomore year in college my little sister, Carole, had given me the mug for Christmas. As a special treat she had engraved my nickname, “Joey” into the Mug. It wasn’t fancy or expensive; just a regular glass mug. After my sister passed away the mug took on a sentimental value and I loved it. It was a beautiful reminder of a sister that was also my best friend.
This mug had survived a year of dormitory life, nine years of Brooklyn apartment living, a move to New Jersey, a cross-country move to California, and three moves around the city of Los Angeles. Alas, the mug couldn’t survive children.
Unfortunately for me, my favorite glass also struck the fancy of my number one son. When reaching for a mug to drink from, this was the one he often chose. I explained the significance of the mug to him and he promised to be careful. Of course little boys always promise to be careful just like they always promise to be good. Given enough time they always end up breaking both promises. One day while not paying attention he went to set the mug on the edge of the counter and missed. The glass fell to the floor shattering into 20 pieces. My wife was sure that all hell was about to break loose, but I have really been working hard on understanding what is important in life. It would be a lie to say that I didn’t remind my son of the mugs history through slightly clenched teeth. However, to my credit (I think) and my wife’s surprise, I didn’t yell. I took a breath, reminded myself that this was only a glass, grabbed the broom and dustpan and swept the pieces into the garbage. Se la vie.
A wise man once told me that nothing real can ever be taken away. The mug is gone, but the love, respect and admiration I feel for my sister remains. That’s the good stuff. The same is true of being a parent.
A few weeks ago I watched this same son perform a karate form for his school talent show. It was one of those moments that parents are all too familiar with: your heart swells, your throat tightens and the water comes to your eyes. It is a feeling of transcendent euphoria that is difficult to describe to those that have not felt it.
My sons often ask me what heaven will be like. I playfully respond it will be like taking a bite of the most perfect pepperoni pizza you have ever tasted or lifting your head into the most perfect breeze. I think I will add that heaven must certainly be something near to the good stuff of parenting: kissing the softest, fattest, most milk smellingest cheeks of your new born, the sweet comfort in the hug made with little arms, bathing in the most radiant smile of your son when he hits his first homerun or scores his first touchdown, or watching from the audience as your child performs.
I have often wondered about parents – fathers in particular that choose NOT to experience the good stuff. These are the fathers that choose not to take an active role in their children’s lives. We know the statistics all too well: 85% of children from “this” group do not have regular contact with their fathers, 55% of children from “that” group do not see theirs.
The studies are clear on the negative impact absentee fathers have on their children. What we don’t know is what affect absence has on fathers. I can only imagine that a man that fathers children yet chooses not to raise them suffers some deep damage to the soul. If being immersed in the good stuff is heaven then being removed from it must certainly be hell.
I treasure fatherhood especially because it’s replete with broken mugs, broken beds, sunflower seeds in the dryer, socks on the ceiling fan. All of it is the good stuff. I wouldn’t miss any of it for the world.
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41 Comments
This moving in so many ways. Wonderful piece.
Aw, now see what you've done–you've made me get all teary eyed at work! That was beautifully said. So many parents do nothing but complain about it all, but I'm with you. It's all the good stuff. My kids are leaving for college this year and next, and my husband and I are not ready for them to leave, primarily because we have enjoyed all of the good stuff.
Thank you. Couldn't have said it better myself.
It is so rewarding and just so wonderful to read something thoughtful for a change. Maybe we can add that to the list of what Heaven will be like.
What a breath of fresh air.
I love this guy.
Awesome. That is an awesome post. You know you're lucky to have those kids – but they know the luck's on their side as well.
Wonderful. It is most certainly to your credit that you didn't yell at your son, bravo.
(The expression is 'C'est la vie', not 'Se la vie', just fyi).
I remember, many years ago, when I was going through what I thought was a rough time in my life. I had two young sons and I wasn't getting much work as an actor. One day at the Hollywood YMCA, I had a conversation with my dear friend, the late John P. Ryan, about my frustration. Now John, on top of being a Dad himself, was a wonderful actor who worked with everyone from Brando to Nicholson…after listening to me go on and on about not getting any work, he simply said to me, "Jimmy, the greatest role you will ever have in life, is that of a father."
I never forgot it.
Thank you Joseph for your beautifully written article today. As fathers, we are truly blessed in life.
Thanks for this touching post, Mr. Phillips.
The thing I like most about my dad is that all throughout our lives he's made it abundantly clear that his life changed for the better when we were born. We always knew we were wanted, that he loved everything about being a dad (including marbles in the dryer and socks in the toaster), and that made a HUGE difference in our lives compared to the kids we knew whose dads weren't around/didn't care.
As for that broken mug, I ruined my dad's cherished set of samurai playing cards, but under the circumstances he was pretty restrained about it and only held it over my head for about 30 seconds.
Many, many thanks for this splendid article! Joseph you are a first-rate writer and an even better dad.
you actually brought tears to the eyes of this hard a$$.
well done!
I still remember the oyster crackers in my first Mac's zip drive.
Yep. Memories. We still laugh about it today.
I noticed my husband chokes up more–since *his* dad passed….you wouldn't believe my daughter's wedding…that is why I married him and why we are best friends.
Thanks, Joseph.
Beautiful piece!
I enjoyed this post – very apropos around Father's Day. I have always felt blessed to have two great sons; one natural and one adopted, although from my view that has always been a distinction without a difference. I did choose to stay involved in parenting. It always seemed easy to me because my own father was such a great, great role model. I feel sorry for those who, because of choice or circumstance did not get to participate in what is possibly the best experience there is.
My Daddy is the best, as well as both of my Grandfathers. (I'm in my 40's & yes, I still call him Daddy when I get the fuzzy warm feelings about him.) Thank you for this article & for being a good role model.
I couldn't agree more. Most of the best moments I can remember in my life are the ones from the last nine years with my daughter. I have found a much deeper understanding of happiness from experiencing it through her eyes than I ever had when I was chasing it myself. Why more people don't understand that is beyond me.
Happy Non-Custodial Parents Day guys
Nice article.
P.S. "C'est la vie"
Great piece of writing.
Regarding absentee fathers, I wonder what percentage of those are absentee because of a legal system in which the deck is stacked against them? I'm in my early 30s and have chosen not to have children yet for many reasons, but a big one is not knowing how I would handle it if full-time access to my children was taken away.
Again, though, a great piece.
I'm the father of two grown children. I've never taken 'Hallmark holidays' ('commercial holidays') very seriously. Unfortunately, we've turned about all our holidays into 'commercial holidays'.
It's important to honor fathers, mothers and children. We can do that any, or every, if we like, day of the year. We are Americans, after all.
The best way to prevent losing access to children is to choose the mother very carefully, i.e. a woman who takes the "until death do us part" aspect of the vow very seriously.
My dad's "mug" were his prized balsa wood models that he had made as a teenage and had won awards for. For some reason he decided to store them on the top shelf of my brother's closet when we were little (8 and 6). Despite the command not to touch them they were too much temptation. Needless to say we damaged them and then we were subject to Dad turning to the "Gorilla", as we called him when he lost his temper. When your little the "Gorilla" is terrifying. Funny thing. The "Gorilla" only seemed to show up when either my brother or I royally messed up. Too bad we were too young and too stupid to figure that out back then.
That was a beautiful article. Happy fathers day!!
Brother, there's no way you are an actor working out of Holllyweird. If only you'd rub off on some of those other excuses for humans who barely have an afterthought when it comes to family. That industry, and this world, need more people like you. Thank you for standing up to your core values, even when they don't match your work enviroment. I'm not a father yet, but I can't wait to become one and experience all the chaos and love that comes with it.
Mr. Phillips:
I always make certain to read your pieces, and posts like this are why I do. Hope you had a wonderful Father's Day.
I miss my dad.
Mr. Philips knows the secret, the best reward is in the lives we touch for the better in our time on earth. My best memories all envolve my wife and children, proud times, funny times,. sad times, and thoughtful, well remembered times,. and times we'll yet make together.
He's getting the best part of parenting, a part I've found true too.
It takes a real man to be a father. Very lovely post.
Nice piece. To me, there is no better "job" in the world than that of father.
When life happens with a kid it marks a point that’s always funny in retrospect, and yes tears will come to your eyes. Children are the best of what is life, very powerful indeed. If you’re not moved by the birth of a child you have no soul. Good read Joseph!
Beautiful post. I love being a mom. It's what defines me.
But I was also very touched by your comments about your sister. My son and his little sister (both college age) are best friends and it's a beautiful relationship to behold.
I'm sorry for your loss.
Beautiful post. I love being a mom. It's what defines me.
But I was also very touched by your comments about your sister. My son and his little sister (both college age) are best friends and it's a beautiful relationship to behold.
I'm sorry for your loss.
Of all the "titles" a man can have attributed to him, Mr., son, Dr., P.E., RN, the two I revere the most are "Dad" and "Grandpa". Any man can be a father, that's biology. It takes a real man to be a "dad".
Me too! Especially as I watch my 2 year old grow.
Good piece. I'm fortunate enough to have a beautiful little 6 month old daughter (my first) so I can only relate to kissing the fat little cheeks really. Or watching her as she smiles and screams, so please with herself for pulling herself standing on whatever she happens to grab a hold of. But it is the best thing in the world.
Thank you for reminding me that there still are good people in this world. Hope you had a wonderful Father's Day!
So beautiful. If heaven is indeed kissing the softest and fattest cheeks of your new born, I can't wait. Thank you so much Mr. Phillips!
You TOUCHED my soul man. Thank You!!!! It's amazing how such few words, perfectly put together, can cause such an overwhelming flow of Love and Peace in one's Heart. God Bless You and your wonderful family.
"Security Analysis"? Now there´s a heavy bedtime story.
Dad died in 1983. I was an SFC (E-7) In Special Forces and I felt, for the first time in my military career, that I couldn't handle the loss/stress/pressure. There is still a hole in my heart.
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