Hollywood’s Hand Job, Or… How the Awards Season Comes Upon Us
by Joseph LindseyA onetime global but now aging action hero once told me in private how he took pity on an ugly woman pining for an autograph by taking her to bed, only to find that he couldn’t reach climax until he stood up, gazed upon his own image in a full length mirror and finished himself off. Hollywood’s award season is upon us and we are that ugly woman.
The first few months of every New Year, Hollywood accessorizes itself by folding back the sidewalks of Los Angeles and New York and laying down a bed of red carpet. They dress the night up with flashing bulbs, free booze and silicone injected starlets wrapped in ten-thousand dollar Vera Wang sequined napkins. They walk the carpet, upright men in monkey suits, holding fifty thousand dollar gift bags and smiling for the cameras. The cameras suck them in as they sashay and pose, they tell funny little antidotes about how life should be for everyone, while adding how normal they are because they’ve started taking the latest mystical potion.
Awards use to mean something, you used to have to work for them, earn them, there had to be justification in the act of taking hold of the accolade. Hollywood’s season of self-touching has simply become a means to sell liberalism, sadism, sexism, misogyny, multiculturalism, anti-Americanism and the popcorn that socialist someday won’t let you eat because they’re in charge of your health care.
The only thing more absurd on TV than every sporting event being sponsored by fast food chains, banks, insurance or credit card companies is the overload of Hollywood award shows that get smeared across our culture the second Dick Clark slurs us into the New Year.
So pop your popcorn and put extra butter it, because movie actors, singers, critics and all the other dressed-up people in Hollywood are coming to tell you what’s best to watch, while subtlety telling you what’s best for you.
Here’s a list of Hollywood award shows and who their corresponding sponsors should be as they get tossed-off like a cringed-faced-money-shot you had to pay for.
JANUARY
Jan. 3
• National Society of Film Critics Awards – sponsored by Preparation-H
This is a good show to start with because it gives you a glimpse at who’s telling America what’s best to see at the multiplex. Here are some of names and who they work for. Thelma Adams-US Weekly, John Anderson-Newsday, Melissa Anderson-Time Out New York, David Ansen-Newsweek, Dwight Brown-NNPA & UPSCALE, Richard Corliss-Time, Mike D’Angelo-Esquire Magazine, Denby David-New York Magazine, David Fear-Time Out New York, Marshall Fine-Star Magazine, Owen Gleiberman-Entertainment Weekly, J. Hoberman-Village Voice, Stuart Klawans -The Nation, Lou Lumenick-New York Post, Joe Morgenstern-Wall Street Journal,(He must have slipped past security.), Rex Reed-New York Observer.
The list goes on from there with every liberal rag you can name on the board of critics. In a move for more diversity I suggest they bring in Bill Kristol of the Weekly Standard and Charles Krauthammer of the Washington Post.
Jan. 11
• New York Film Critics’ Awards – sponsored by Eric Holder and the 9-11 trials
This is the same sphincter clinching group as above just with a bigger party and more expensive gift bags. Extra security will be requested next year because even though they think it’s great for the world to see how nice we are, they’re feeling unsafe because of the terrorist now posing as tourist near the court house.
Jan. 14
• Critics Choice Awards – sponsored by Sex Rehab with Dr. Drew
Take the same group from January 3rd and 11th, hand each a twelve pack of condoms, order a bunch of private jets, fly them to L.A. and let them dress down because the show is produced by VH1.
Jan. 17
• Annual Golden Globe Awards – sponsored by Rosetta Stone
This is the show that gets the big celebrities started on a bit of self foreplay because they get to address the world press with subliminal political messages about how they wish we were more like Europe. It’s also a good sign as to who the Academy is going to vote for because those members seem global in their thinking also, due to the fact that they need money from foreign countries to make Hollywood war films when they can’t get the dough from the owner of an NBA team.
Jan. 23
• Annual SAG Awards – sponsored by The Restaurant Association of America
This is the awards show were all the waiters in LA and NYC find someone to cover their shift, get dressed up and watch the show on a large screen TV while standing over a bowl of salsa. It’s filled with stars giving a shout out to their common man, those working blue collar jobs but holding a SAG card.
Jan. 24
• Producers Guild Awards – sponsored by Satin
No one in Hollywood knows what a producer actually does and because of that they give out awards so they too can be seen.
Jan. 30
• Annual Directors Guild Awards – sponsored by China
Oddly enough this awards show is probably the most respectful and civil of the bunch, but, it’s held in secret the way Hollywood Communists used to do it.
Jan. 31
• Grammy Awards – sponsored by Thomson Correctional Center of Illinois
Same description as the Oscar Awards found below except some of these people can play an instrument. This show comes with additional felonies.
FEBRUARY
Feb. 20
• Writers Guild of America Awards – sponsored by Post It
No one in Hollywood or the public pays any attention to these awards and only writers in shorts and cardigans show up for them. I mean, come on, they’re writers.
Feb. 26 • Annual NAACP Image Awards – sponsored by Acorn
The multi-cultural awards show from an African-American point of view. (Their words not mine.) Basically this is the black Oscars where no white people win anything.
MARCH
March 5
• Independent Spirit Awards – sponsored by Ringling Bros and Barnum & Bailey Circus
In the 90’s this really was independent and on the edge of Hollywood. Now it’s just a puff piece down by the beach representing films with 20 million dollar budgets, Apple gift bags and catered by Whole Foods. The acceptance speeches are peppered with the F-word and more radical when it comes to political messages. It’s also a reason for young stars to get loaded in the middle of the day while dressed up in clothes from Hot Topic.
March 6
• Razzie Awards – sponsored by Big Hollywood
Of all the awards shows this is the most honest and the only one that should be televised globally. It should be hosted by Big Hollywood’s editor and Chief John Nolte because he’s the only critic out there with an honest eye and one willing to call a film crap when it’s dumped in our lap. His co-host should be Big Hollywood’s founder Andrew Breitbart because he never watches movies and it’s fun to see him talk at a podium after a couple of beers.
March 7
• Annual Academy Awards – sponsored by ObamaCare, Global Warming and Darfur
At this awards show the actors bed down on the red carpet and be what they really are, show horses, dressed in other company’s clothes, jewelry and makeup all with a master plan that you’ll go out and buy the cheap knock offs when the product comes to Target. They are, on this day, simple thespians wearing sandwich-boards.
This year’s show will be a tag team event hosted by a guy who’s now known for playing a banjo and a chubby guy who’s now funnier than the guy who plays the banjo. They’ll do silly little skits written by politically correct hacks and get edgy when they make a flattering joke about President Obama.
As stars get their awards they’ll thank everyone under the sun except for Joe the Plumber, who paid the nine bucks to see the unoriginal celluloid roll mindlessly across his view on a Friday night after a 10 hour workday.
All the dead celebrities from last year will get four seconds of face time and everyone will cheer their brilliance no matter what they did with their real lives. And after the show being as long winded and exaggerated as a Dan Rather news report, it will end, you won’t remember it, and like watching The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, you can’t get those three hours of your life back.
—-
These are just a few of the self-congratulatory awards show that infect our culture every year, only to start up again next year like that herpes sore you thought you’d seen the last of. This glamorous circle jerk keeps celebrities in our site because show business people don’t want to be what they really are, poltergeists, only seen and made real by us. Without us they may as well go into the light, go onto the light.
Hollywood wants to bed the prom queen not the ugly girl that let you have your way with her. So the next time you’re ogling so and so wishing you could be more like them, or hoping to meet your action hero on the back nine, remember, you’re just an ugly woman pinning for their love and the only way they can get you off them, is by getting themselves off with another award in hand.
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85 Comments
'anecdotes', not 'antidotes'. Jeez.
oh joy, the annual season of the mutual admiration society love fests is officially open
The only thing more boring than another libtard awards show is an Obama speech.
The glut of award shows this time of year reminds me of when I played little league baseball.
At the end of the season, the two top teams played and the winner got a trophy. The second place team got a much smaller trophy, the rest of us went home and tried again next year.
Nowadays the 3rd, 4th, 5th place teams get trophies. Aw heck, everyone gets a trophy!
"the second Dick Clark slurs us into the New Year."
What kind of crap is this? You didn't have to go there, man. I get your whole "shtick" but that wasn't necessary. Don't be a jerk off, no pun intended.
Don't watch the awards. They're basically Hollywood's version of a public circle jerk.
Oh this is SCATHING – and I LOVE it!!! This should be printed up and sent to all the "movie stars" Signed, with love, the Ugly Woman.
I pretty much gave up when Braveheart won over Apollo 13 – yeah yeah, Braveheart was a good movie, but Apollo 13 showed the best of America and succeeded on keeping people on the edge, even though everyone knew how it turned out. James Cameron could have learned a thing or two from Ron Howard when doing "Titanic"
I love it. Hollywood stars: The Herpes sores on America's face. No wonder the Muslim's hate us, they don't want our herpes spreading to them. And who can blame them for that?
They have to constantly have these award shows because ALL "celebrities" constantly need their ego stroked.
That is the mantra of not only the Hollywood crowd but all lefties in general. Have you ever noticed how much the liberals are constantly patting each other on the back? Metaphorically speaking that is. They are ALWAYS doing it. When they make a speech, introduce someone, etc.
"man we really are bad @ss aren't we"
and what is with the constant shoutouts?
no really you are great. oh Honey, no. You are so important. If I weren't me I'd want to be you.
lol You've got it.
Too. Many. Money Shot. Jokes. Too. Early. In. Morning.
in a tenn movie from the 90's called "Can't hardly wait" Jennifer Love Hewitt's character broke up with her boy friend and was being comforted by her friends. The best they could come up with was to tell her she was as beautiful as Gwenneth (i suppose many though so at the time, as for me I never got her appeal, Hewitt on the other hand…). But when she walked away they all said , "no way she is as beautiful as gwenneth."
I wonder if that is how these hollywoodies are. Praise each other in public and when infront of cameras, but hateful to each other when no one is looking.
I agree. Joseph Lindsey's one of my favorite writers here at BH, but that really was a turn off.
George C. Scott refused his Oscar for "Patton".
Didn't want to play those silly Hollywood games.
What an actor !
It is almost as if some of this stuff on the intertubes gets written in a hurry.
I have no doubt at all that that is how it really is Buck. I've often felt sorry, in a way, for the Hollyweirdos because they will never know true love or ever have even ONE good, loyal friend. Everybody there is out to forward themselves only.
"glamorous circle jerk keeps celebrities in our site" — It took me a moment to realize you meant "in our sight", not that the circle jerk keeps celebrities coming to Big Hollywood. Come on, people, proofread your posts!
Love your bite and jadedness;) Enjoyed this a lot. . .
"As stars get their awards they’ll thank everyone under the sun except for Joe the Plumber, who paid the nine bucks to see the unoriginal celluloid roll mindlessly across his view on a Friday night after a 10 hour workday." The truth of this statement sums up the lot of the dog and pony shows. . .the movie stars, pitch enhanced karaoke croakers et al are so out of touch with who's paying their over-priced salaries.
Once when I was totally mind numbingly bored I watched that stupid documentary that Madonna made.
There's a part in it where Kevin Costner came in to meet her after her concert and she was all smiling and being nice to him, then when he left she started talking about him like he was a dog.
So yeah…
since it is clogged up with poker chips and dirty pictures it is amazing anything gets through at all.
A great post. It reminds me why I can't remember the last time I watched any awards show. Which is a good thing, as my sphincter-clinching muscles get all the workout they can handle from politics.
But I would see a Nolte/Breitbart-hosted show any day.
*guffaw*…."stroked"???
and Goldie Hawn received it for him!
What a true actress !
It is rather annoying when work interrupts one's blogging life.
It seems all the awards most covered by the hyperpoliticized MSM have become politicized.
Go figure.
That picture of Kate Hudson reminds me of something. She recently was on MTV promoting NINE, and had to stand up for her "pa" (Kurt Russell) and his bow-and-arrow-hunting ways. When she told the story of their Christmas tradition of Kurt hunting for elk and Goldie making elk stew, the look on the host's face was priceless. Kate rolled her eyes and made a sarcastic remark about political correctness (but she did so in her usual polite way). I saw NINE, and you know what? Kate's part was by far and away the best.
The Entertainment Mandarins respond to falling numbers of people willing to pay for their swill by ratching up the number of award shows to pat themselves on the back.
In a vain attempt to gin up more viewers, they seem to be devoting more prime-time slots for these mutual admiration orgies. Given the poor quality of most regular network programming, such inclusions are going to be even easier to schedule for the dozens of viewers eager to see them.
I would have assumed Kate and that whole clan were a bunch of raging liberals. I guess not so much….most liberals are extremely anti-hunting. Animals only come in little packages at the grocery store, you know.
Goldie may be a lib, but she obviously doesn't mind Kurt's hunting and libertarian ways. Kurt was best man at Ted Nugent's wedding and is a well known libertarian and NRA member. Make no mistake–he's no Republican, but he does lean right, telling O'Reilly after 9/11 he supported the Patriot Act.
Yes, I would PAY to see the Nolte/Breitbart show! It would be a hoot!
Aside from the comment about Dick Clark, this is by far the most enjoyable article of Hollywood award shows I've ever read.
Shouldn't Conservatives be different? And shouldn't Big Hollywood uphold a certain standard for journalistic decorum, regardless of the contributor?
Can't our invective and criticisms rise above the crass norms of Hollywood's left? Wouldn't the point of this article have been just as cogent and searing without the crassness found on other blog sites? Even mainstream entertainment sites wouldn't have a headline calling awards shows a "hand job." Can't your contributors make us laugh without going there? Wasn't there humor before these kinds of cheap, school-boy laughs?
Why on earth can't there be one site that rejects this low-brow crap? Differentiate Big Hollywood, differentiate.
Maybe even SCORES of viewers!
Nice list, excellently described. I had no idea there were so many, since I haven't watched more than a minute or two of any of them (I think it was the Oscars while channel-surfing) in at least 30 years.
Too many unnecessarily explicit sexual references and Dick Clark should have been left alone. C'mon! The poor guy had a stroke. I'd love to see how eloquent you'd be if it happened to you. Aside from that I agree with your sentiments. There is a stapler on my desk that is more interested about movie awards than I am.
Me too…
Oh, I love to find out that an actor I love is also sympatico (for the most part) on the political front. And good for Kate Hudson for speaking up! I neither like her or dislike her, but I can respect the fact that she doesn't buy into the PC crap in Hollywood.
Go girl!
I don't offend easily, being on the Right, but leave Dick Clark alone. Although I'm not that old (38), I still grew up with Dick on Band Stand, Bloopers and Practical Jokes and New Year's Rockin' Eve. I felt bad for him this year and thought he wasn't going to show. If he wants to do it, he can , I suppose, but it was sad to see him in this state – the world's oldest teenager!
But the rest of this article was SPOT ON! Crass? Sure! A little low-brow? Sure! But I loved it anyway because it hit where it hurt!
Great take on award show season. The only good that comes from all this self-flagellation is that below-the-line production folks have a semi-steady income stream for at least the first three months of the year.
The Dick Clark line was just not cool.
…and just for fun, it could be emceed by the stuttering, Tourette's Syndrome-afflicted affirmative-action announcer from the local NPR affiliate; you know, the chubby one of indeterminate sexuality with the huge, hairy mole on one cheek.
you bet. And Kurt Russell is a lucky guy as well…
Kurt Russell was a minor league ballplayer (he's got some funny anecdotes he's told on talk shows over the years). he got a good look at what is probably the most competitive meritocracy in the world (i.e., professional sports, where only the very best of the best ever get a shot at the pros). so, it's hard to imagine somebody exposed to that early on ever wholeheartedly embracing the liberal dogma about people being given things they haven't earned (welfare, public housing, etc.).
I quit watching these award shows a long time ago. They are a big waste of time. much like reading People Magazine I mean isn't that the reason to have these stupid award shows so People Mag and their ilk can get pictures of celebs? Its all a bunch a garbage and has no real mening in life.
I agree with you there…
Maybe the Dick Clark comment was as bit much, but I remember watching him in the 70's, and watching him New Year's Eve………..There has to be someone around him to say enough is enough. I was embarrassed for him. Why does Dick Clark get to be left alone? If he wants to be left alone he shouldn't go on national TV. Yes, the emperor is naked.
Yeah, she is most definitely a lib like her mom, but what I truly appreciate are the liberals who don't think conservatives are dumbs88t devils. Liberals that can converse with and respect others on the opposing side are pretty rare. So I give props to Goldie and Kate for that.
To those objecting to the tone of this piece as being crass and "lowbrow", all I have to say is this: IF THE SHOE FITS…and Hollywood is nothing if not about making sure the shoe fits! Besides, he's only talking to THEM in the language they understand. They pour their invective and criticisms and oversexed language upon US – they deserve to have it flung back in their faces. Not that it would change them any – NOTHING will do that, no matter how NICE we are to them. Taking the high road with them is lost on them – it does not register and is not a language they speak. They just want something to wank to…and this article gives it to them.
These awards shows are like dogs eating each others excrement. I have no illusions about celebrities – I don't hold them any higher than anyone else. In point of fact, many of them are the worst examples that others should never emulate. My heroes are guys like Jon Cavaiani, Ronald Ray, James Bondsteel, George Street or any other recipients of the Congressional Medal of Honor – those I've had the personal honor and pleasure of knowing and those that I've heard about, and holding their deeds and exploits in the highest regard.
lol..Well I was thinking of like a cat getting it's back stroked. WHAT were YOU thinking?
The Academy Awards – the world's biggest night of auto-felatio. Don't hurt your backs curling up.
I *may* have been biased by the references in the article. I thought your choice of words to be very clever.
Have to agree that the Dick Clark comment was a low-blow. I thought it admirable that he still does the New Year's show – showing a great will & determination to overcome his adversities. That comment reminds me of the Clooney "joke" about Charlton Heston. Not funny.
Damn. Seems like it would have been easier to just give her an autograph.
I can't watch the award shows – they remind me too much of watching a circle jerk. (Which is really what it is – can you imagine if other professions put on grandiose televised award ceremonies every year? Gimme a break).
And the next year he also was nominated and I believe, won the oscar for The Hospital" He refused to show up that year also. Unlike Brando. Scott truly hated the award season. Wasn't he married to Coleen Dewhurst?
I missed Dick Clark this year. I know that they're debating whether or not he ws dead on this New Year's Eve over on his IMDB board. Guess I'll try and look it up on youth-tube
Pardon if I'm picky, but don't you start with that "use" stuff. "Awards USED to mean something." Thanks. Next, you'll be writing "prolly".
I was hoping I wasn't the only one to notice! I am officially applying for the job of proof reader at BH
I gave up on award shows the year Saving Private Ryan lost as best picture. It was then I knew, without a doubt, how much Hollywood hates America. During the 8 years of the Bush Presidency, and even now, I despised their leftist BS, and will not support any actor or actress that spews their BS, be it at an awards show, or on screen as a character.
Ohhhh, well I knew how it *might* come across but put it out there anyway.
I quit watching awards so long ago, I can't exactly remember when. It's just not interesting.
Pat pat pat. On the back that is. It's like those liberal talk shows on TV..Which I no longer watch. They're constantly telling each other how great they look or how good they were in that last movie, how it was just soooo fabulous of so and so to go help feed the hungry one day out of 365. But hey, they did it and they did it well.
Well, the Billy Squier song is supposed to be taken both ways. "Stroke my ego" or. . . .
Stroke me, stroke me
Stroke! Stroke!
And he got to kick Elvis.
—
In a move for more diversity I suggest they bring in Bill Kristol of the Weekly Standard and Charles Krauthammer of the Washington Post.
—
How about James Bowman? When it comes to reviewing movies, he's like Mikey before discovering Life Cereal.
and play him as well!
Yes, it was poor taste, like the Clooney/Heston joke. It was a joke. It was funny. It made me laugh. I also felt very sad for Mr. Clark, when watching the New Year show. Like they prop him up every year. One of these years, it will be like 'Weekend at Bernies"
Aw heck, shoot for the moon—hundreds.
The Dick Clark comment was uncool. For those who can't understand why he still appears on the New Year's Rockin' Eve Show even after recovering from a stroke—Dick Clark is the producer! Dick Clark Productions produces that television show, along with the AMA awards show. His company was not happy with Adam Lambert's uncontrolled "self expression" on the live AMA show and Lambert was then dropped from the list of possible guests for the New Year's Eve show. Thank God for Dick Clark!
I watched the show last/this year. He's very much alive. It's obvious he's spent the past year working on his speech.
then we must convince them to signal out liberals and send them to Allah with the virgins.
George C. Scott NEVER picked up the Oscar it is still in Academy library.
"..!the movie stars, pitch enhanced karaoke croakers et al are so out of touch with who's paying their over-priced salaries.."
…but they're finally getting the picture from Joe and his pal Frank Lunchbox! When leftywood keeps pumping out limp 'war' flicks that slam America and no one goes to the Cineplex to watch them, they get more and more gun-shy out on the left coast, and hopefully, will start pumping out the stuff that America wants to see.
And don't be fooled by Avatar's monster box office take as an indicator that this is what we really want to see.The box office numbers are that high because most of the ticket sales for it are for 3D or IMAX 3D, at 2 to 3 times the normal ticket price, which really means in the end that 50% to 75% less people are seeing it than the figures and the studio would have you believe.
If you want a barebones accounting of how a film is doing, go to Variety.com / Charts / Domestic Film Box Office. You'll see that avatar has done $441 mill., but cut say, 50% off that for the elevated 3D ticket prices, then look at how many venues it's playing in,( and note that it's dropped nearly 40% in sales this week, it's not doing much better than Sherlock Holmes is), and you're left with the conclusion that it's surely not the 'people's mandate' that Cameron & his dark overlords want to believe they've been given!
BTW, be sure to play with the calendar window on that page; it's great for remembering what films came out with what other films 2 or 9 or 15 years ago. What I wouldn't give for films like some of those great titles to be made now!
Proofing is surely not on his list of priorities…'Ugly woman pinning' brings up memories of G.L.O.W. and the women who used to 'wrestle' on that circuit…And the SAG awards, 'were all the waiters in LA..'.Surely, as El Gordo says, it's just due to things getting written in a hurry on the wide wide world of web. Unless he didn't pay for the spellcheck portion of his Windows download..?
…just don't get the job of pivot man in a circle jerk…
good point- knew that and forgot to mention it. Guess it sat around for a while…
Nat wud futtin hirarious! nidk Cark rews!
Did he have a stroke? If that's the case… explains everything. He's doing just fine for being that old and surviving a stroke.
Go Dick !
You seem to be pontificating without actually knowing anything about the groups you are talking about. This might work with a person (reader) who is not in the industry and doesn't know better. But if you are in the film industry and know some of the groups you are talking about it's obvious you are blogging with no brain, no research, no interviews to back up what you are saying. You are playing a game and don't know what you are talking about. The internet has done a lot of good. What it does bad is it gives a platform to any jerk. And what is more astonishing is that other jerks take it seriously!
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