Final Four: Why Team Bush Beats Team Obama

by Joseph Lindsey


“Win one for the Gipper”

As the NCAA final four is again upon us I thought it would be fun to take the last four years of President Bush’s team, and square them off against President Obama’s team in a presidential team pick, and policy play.

Team Bush

Coach: The spirit of Ronald Reagan.
As a coach Reagan brings this team together with a play that’s tough, conservative and full of compassion for those who are being oppressed on both sides of the stands. He instructs his team to trudge forward no matter what the score, and to not concern themselves with attempting to get cheers from both sides of the stands or those in other leagues who don’t like the way they play. Bonus: Tear down this wall.

Center: George W. Bush.
W. in the position of center seems an odd choice for a man of his stature. Yet consensus amongst his team is that he’s the man best set to defend the basket, and the man who won’t budge in the face of hard drives up the lane, elbows, personal fouls and face spitting from opponents and their booster clubs. Bonus: Makes a decision and sticks to it.

Point Guard: Condi Rice
Not concerned with being recognized by the crowed for her sex, race or background, she brings a sense of calm and conscientious control to the overall play of the team. She’s fast and able to get the ball in the right hands at the right time. Bonus: Can play the “Star Spangled Banner” on a piano at the opening.

Shooting Guard: General David Petraeus
Creating a high volume of shots on offense he’s able to decimate the opponent with his surge, and protect the point on defense. Not looking for the limelight, trophies or magazine covers, his only concern is the advancement of the overall team and the safety of the entire crowd. Bonus: Not bothered by anti-American sentiment from Democrat-funded websites.

Small Forward: Michael V. Hayden CIA
Though his scope is global on the court he keeps a presence that’s so small and silent that once you discover he’s there, it’s too late. No leaks come from his play even though he helped write the playbook years ago at the NSA. Bonus: He’s got your cell number so cheating is difficult for opponents.

Power Forward: Dick Cheney
Plays offensively often with his back to the basket. Because of his vast experience he plays a zone defense often confusing the opposing team. His play is straight forward and unapologetic. Opposing booster clubs experience high levels of intimidation due to his unwillingness to be vocal about team play. Bonus: A rumor set forth from booster clubs about Gatorade water-boarding brings a warm wet feeling to the briefs of teams attempting to oppose him.

Cheerleaders: Weekly Standard, Wall Street Journal, Fox News, Abe Lincoln, General Patton, the US Military, Rush Limbaugh, the free marketplace, Big Hollywood and people not susceptible to cult worship.

Team Obama

Coach: George Soros
Coach Soros brings to the game a sense of “Yes we can, and here’s the check to prove it.” He tells his teams not worry about the score because he owns the company that makes the scoreboards. His gameplan is loose and full of narcotics in case his team begins to feel something they don’t like. In the event of obvious defeat, he’s willing to abort the entire match no matter how late in the game. Bonus: Pays for all spectators’ hot dogs, sodas and one of those foam fists to wave at team W.

Center: President Obama
With vast experience as a community organizer, he’s used to being surrounded by those who count on him to give them something. Hope and Change is the name of his game but because you can’t see, taste, touch or pay your bills with Hope and Change, he settles for handing the ball off to those more experienced than he. Bonus: Looks good on a t-shirt, bumper sticker, coffee mug, hand towel, wrist watch, poster, action figure, flag, mural and video game.

Point Guard: Hillary Clinton
Clearly the balls of the team and faster than most of her teammates when it comes to maneuvering around a play that may bring shame to the team or the player. Early in the season her sex seemed to be a real problem for the booster clubs and those in the stands. But now that she’s not president, they all feel she’s swell. Bonus: Husband Bill Clinton has shown her how to deal with groupies on the road.

Shooting Guard: Janet Napolitano
Though she’s never played the game at this level, she must quickly learn to be the best perimeter player on the team. Bonus: She can see Mexico from her house.

Small Forward: Leon Panetta
Primarily responsible for penetrating offense, when he does drive up the lane he does so in a manner that’s never harmful to the opponent. Bonus: Carries with him everywhere he goes the playbook written by MoveOn.org.

Power Forward: Eric Holder
Often plays with his back against his own teammates and is willing to send fellow players to the showers if too many fouls are committed in the name of victory. Bonus: When he fouls you he says, “You’re pardoned.”

Cheerleaders: MSNBC, NBC, ABC, CBS, PBS, NPR, CNN, Hollywood, unions, t-shirt makers, Planned Parenthood, rappers, Bruce Springsteen, people in Europe, Jimmy Carter, Hamas, people that know 9/11 was an inside job, cultists, most people under 28 and those who pay no taxes.

Okay so Team Obama just got in the game, but with his line-up it’s clear why Team Bush wins in the end. Team Bush knows the cost of a game lost when the stands are full and the world is watching.


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Posted Apr 4th 2009 at 11:03 am in Political Humor | 106 Comments