Stand Up Notes From Flyover Country: Psychic Predictions for 2010
by Jeffrey Jena
Here it is 2010 and I still don’t have a jet-pack or flying car. Those were the kind of things that I was led to believe would be here by now when I was a little kid. The real problem is that there isn’t one on the horizon either. You know what is in the near future for us? A remake of the Yugo or some other Euro-crap car that doesn’t burn up much dinosaur remains and tops out at a heart stopping 50 or 60 miles per hour.
It is that time of year for me to let my psychic self loose and gaze into the future. Yeah, I know I’m a little late but I promise not to predict anything that has already happened like a lot of your mainstream psychics tend to do. Last year Kevin Costner didn’t even have the decency to make a bad film, so I was o-fer-09. The only way for my psychic score to go is up!
My Predictions
In 2010 a well-known Hollywood film maker will produce a film that by most Midwestern standards would be called “porno.” It will be hailed as a great step towards artistic freedom and rated “R.”
In the coming year I will not be familiar with the work of anyone who wins a Grammy.
This year General Motors will introduce the “Volt” as the car of the future. It will sell slightly less units than Paris Hilton’s last CD.
Vince Vaughn will star in a movie as an over-confident bumbler with a heart of gold who has a wife or girlfriend that is so far out of his league the movie will be classified in the science fiction genre.
It will be revealed that having a supply of “non-hybrid seeds to plant an acre of nutrient dense food” for your family will do you no good in an extreme crisis unless you also have a tractor, a fuel supply, a water supply, some knowledge of farming, several high powered rifles, lots of ammo, food to last you until harvest time and at least an acre of land to plant.
The price of gold will drop to $450 an ounce. Obama will place the blame on the Bush Administration.
The State of California will go out of business and divide into three smaller states, Upper California to the far north, South California from Orange County to the Mexican border and The People’s Republic of Central California which will go broke again in 2011.
The Chicago Cubs will win the National League pennant and during the World Series be bought by Warren Buffet who donates the team to Haiti.
A record cold spell holds the Midwest and Northeast in its grip for the entire month of February. Obama blames the Bush Administration for its failed weather policy.
Kathy Griffin hosts New Year’s Eve celebration on the new Hustler Channel and is again fired for being too crass. She blames the Bush Administration and the Patriot Act for the “chill wind” blowing through Hollywood.
An Islamic fundamentalist attempts to create a “man-made disaster” by placing a bomb up his backside. The device is detected after he dines at a White Castle before going to the airport. Janet Napolitano orders “inspections” of every passenger on all flights. This job is given to the IRS which is already highly skilled in this type of work.
Keith Olbermann challenges Rush Limbaugh to a charity boxing match but refuses to remove his glasses in the ring and then cries foul when Rush punches a guy wearing glasses.
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41 Comments
BIG JOUNALISM LAUNCHES!
Help editors!!! before others jounalists poke fun.
OK, the Vince Vaughn one got me. That's really funny.
Mormons have that year of food they store. I've always thought that was generous of them; Lord Humungus and his posse of 1 million desperate starving men will really appreciate it.
http://cache.jalopnik.com/assets/resources/2007/1...
You KNOW that he's right about the IRS.
<cue Conan O'Brien's "In the Year Two Thousaaaaaand!!">
Al Gore will announce that it is not global warming, but global COOLING that is the greatest threat to the human race. He will encourage everyone to drive Hummers and improperly sort their recyclables in order to warm up the planet. Companies that aren't doing their share to pollute the air will be required to purchase "Carbon Debits" directly from Gore, who will use the funds to raise flatulent cows on his Tennessee spread. He will be awarded the Nobel for efforts.
Olberman wouldn't have the backbone to challenge Rush to boxing match, charity or otherwise. The rest are plausible enough for your own 900 phone line.
Considering how the MSM treats Obama, they would be a much better choice than the IRS for rectal "inspections".
One has already come true, sort of … the IRS is poised to take over the chore of making sure everyone buys health insurance. You had better buy all the insurance you, or you and your family can afford or be out of compliance, business had better also, and of course they will determine if doctors charge correct government determined amount for various procedures. If you thought complying with the regular tax code is burdensome ya ain't seen nothing yet.
I predict whatever happens on the Demo prez watch it was Bush's fault. (why are people upset about this? Klinton did it for FIVE years, only giving it up after his second election)
In 2012 if a Republican gets elected he will be Stupid, hateful, a divider, destroy the standing of America in the world so painstakingly built by the current president, radical, religious nut (A dem prez is allowed to have 3 ministers come by every Wednesday to pray over the presidential penis) and so forth.
Heavy MSM propagandizing during the Republican president term will once again subvert democracy. 2016 people will elect a Democrat as prez. There is no memory of 2009 – 2012. By 2018 Obama is fondly remembered as a great president.
One has already come true, sort of … the IRS is poised to take over the chore of making sure everyone buys health insurance. You had better buy all the insurance you, or you and your family can afford or be out of compliance, business had better also, and of course they will determine if doctors charge correct government determined amount for various procedures. If you thought complying with the regular tax code is burdensome ya ain't seen nothing yet.
"The State of California will go out of business and divide into three smaller states, Upper California to the far north,"
please Please PLEASE let this happen!
Welcome to the once and future state of Jefferson!
"Wez! Wez!"
"I say we go in NOW! KILL!"
"We do this MY way!"
"Loser's! Loser's way!"
"We do this MY way!"
Also, I will invade Central California with my one gun, and since hippies HATE guns, they will have no means to defend themselves, so I will be supreme ruler with a big shiny hat, and I will call this new land "This Land" and rule as I see fit. While I'm dreaming, I would like a pony.
Keith's glass ego would fracture as he steps into the ring. He tells David "The Squirrel" Shuster to pick up the pieces.
"With all this horses**t, there's got to be a pony in here somewhere!"
"Curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal!"
Olbermann's degree from Harvard's college of agriculture will come in handy when I need servants to manage my survival crops.
You never see Bill Maher and Joy Behar in the same place at the same time.
Hmmmm…………..
Now that was funny!
Dodge Ball was some what believable in that anyone looked good compared to White.
Who do you think is slated to do colonoscopies in the new health bill?
I disagree, I think he'll keep pushing "climate change" as it covers all bases and means less printing of new signs – more money for him.
I thought it was Cornell?
Which by the way is a great veterinarian school. It's not that far from where I live, and a lot of rural farmers consult with them. They've even opened up what they call co-operative extensions around the region, so people don't need to drive all the way to Ithaca.
[...] Jena Big Hollywood Hey check out a pic I did for my friend Jeffrey Jena over at Big Hollywood (also cross posted on his site). In his day job (or should I say night job), Jeff Jena is a [...]
So does that mean that dear keith has a license to milk cows?
I don't know what kind of degree he actually got, but I do know its a very good vet school with a great reputation.
My wife grew up on a dairy farm on the corner of two dirt roads, up in the hills, that's been there so long that the road on one side is named after her mother's family, and the other after her father's family. She tells me they've consulted with the staff up at Cornell many times over the years, and the faculty has been a great asset to the community. They've even made emergency calls in the middle of the night for troubled births.
Blast Olbergirl all you want, I can't stand the site of him. But the school deserves better than to be the butt of a joke at his pathetic expense.
That's all I'm saying. You don't dis people who do a lot of good.
Now, if you want to suggest he has a master's in stable cleaning, I'm fine with that.
Thanks for the correction. And I don't disparage anyone getting any kind of Ag degree except Olby, who likes to flash his Ivy League education as some kind of liberal status symbol.
Again, please do not take my comment as disparagement of the school, farmers, etc. My disrespect goes to pretentious, sneering anchors only.
I predict Sean Penn will win the Oscar for his bittersweet portrayal of Larry Fine, "the Stooge in the Middle." During his acceptance speech, he will thank Christine McIntyre and Vernon Dent while yanking ragged chunks of hair from his noggin and tossing them into a horrified audience.
Yeah, so I hear from Ann Coulter, has been informing me of that.
She does a good job of pointing that out, without dissing the school. Which is possible. Comedy is very flexible.
A dozen or so years ago a really good friend of mine had a problem with a basset hound they owned. He'd tried to jump out of the cab of a truck through an open window, landed wrong and broke his back.
They took him up to that school, and as expensive as it was, they managed to save that sweet little dog. When I think of tha Ag school at Cornell, those are the kind of people I think of.
the Cubs going to Haiti?…
We can just see going to Port Au Prince for the Cub-Cardinal series. Buy a couple of mud cakes from the locals, get a nice drink of raw sewage water and pay the ton ton macoute to park our rented Humvee.
Batter up!
Don't worry, I'm not. I'm just educating you. That's all.
It's easy in comedy to go to far, trust me, I've had the black eyes to prove it. But by educating people about the school, then they can finely tune their Olbergirl insults, in a manner that uses the school for irony rather than sarcasm.
Think of it as a public service. Now let the v2.0 Olbergirl (I kind of like that one, what do you think?) insults commence. If there were ever a person who justifies public ridicule, it be he.
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FAKE!!!
CHARLATAN!!!
HUCKSTER!!!
There's no way on earth Keith Olberman could come up with the huevos to speak to Rush Limbaugh, let alone challenge him to anything.
I predict Bill Maher's debt to Satan will come due. There has to be SOME reason this pile of puke keeps getting airtime….
That's an interesting point…..Then again I think the universe would collapse in on itself in a vortex of stupidity if that were to happen….
You got it… thumbs up for you!
What happened to the big quake prediction, which will have California floating off into the sunset?
Very first episode, like 2 minutes in. Wash is playing with his dinosaurs in the cockpit when the Feds show up.
Ah, I remember that. Thanks!
Yeah, except they use too much Vaseline.
Oh, rats! I recently watched the whole series of Firefly, but I am not familiar with that reference. Is it too long to explain? I am a little slow. I loved that show, by the way.
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