The Beauty of Modern Airline Travel
by Jeffrey JenaI am a stand- up comic and I love what I do for a living but I hate traveling to get there. I do between 125 and 150 road dates a year. Fortunately for me I can drive to a lot of my gigs and I would rather be at the mercy of the potholed, drunk driver infested, revenue enhancing state police-filled interstate highway system than under the thumb of our crack security force the TSA.
Isn’t it nice that after 9/11 the government, under a supposed small government conservative president, decided to take over a large portion of the airline business and provide security at all airports? I don’t know why they stopped there. Aren’t Major League Baseball games potential terrorist? Why doesn’t the TSA provide security for MLB and its patrons? In Israel terrorist often target restaurants and shopping centers so why isn’t Homeland Security saving the businesses at the mall a few bucks and having the TSA chase the skateboarders out of the food court.
I have never like the term “Homeland Security Agency” it has a strange ring that falls somewhere between “brown shirts” and “big brother” for me. The TSA was founded under the premise that the security of the nation was too important to trust to minimum wage, under-educated folks in bad blue blazers. It was time to have our security in the hands of unionized, $14 an hour professionals. Alright, it’s the same people but now they have nice uniforms and now we are paying their heath care and retirement. I don’t know about you, but I feel much more secure.
If you are of a certain age you can remember when flying was a little nicer than it is today. There was a time, my children, when people didn’t front up to the airport in an Under Armour t-shirt and matching boxer shorts and nothing else. There was also a time when the airline companies had, and I hate to use this word, standards! Before every third person in America was a tort attorney, companies had policies which they enforced. That meant your “companion cat” went into baggage and if you didn’t like it they would call Greyhound for you. Now, Miss “My cat is more than a pet and it has rights” will sue the pants off of anyone who wants to try to stop her from taking her cat everywhere she goes. Maybe that’s what happened to Mr. Under Armour?
There was a time when if you were taking a forty minute flight from St. Louis to Chicago you could get to the airport thirty minutes early and be in the Windy City two hours after you left your home. Now you have to be at the airport two hours before the flight and if you are not on the plane 15 minutes before scheduled departure time you can be denied boarding. Your 11:00 A.M. flight is really a 10:45 flight so make yourself comfortable next to Mr. “I was partying pretty heavy last night and didn’t shower or brush my teeth this morning,” for an extra quarter of an hour.
Right now Janet Napolitano or one of her toadies is probably adding my name to the “do not fly list” for doubting the need for the agency she heads up and talking trash about the TSA.
I may be driving a lot more next month.
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53 Comments
But Jeffrey, you uneducated Conservative, don't you know?
Those $14-hour union thugs know better than us what flying was meant to be.
At what point did lawyering write the theory of flight?
As I recall, on September 11, 2001 it was the policy of airlines to hand over the airplane to just about anyone who demanded it, it was also policy to deny to pilots the right to bear arms. And governments first responses to those crimes committed on that day was to grant to the airlines immunity from legal actions and to burden the public with another police force and unnecessary inconvenience called the TSA. TSA was unnecessary because after September 11, 2001 no one was ever going to hand over an airplane without a fight. Pilots and Passenger knew that the if the plane was hijacked, it probably wasn't going to Cuba.
Boy–did that picture bring back memories! I started flying PSA as a college student when it was still Pacific Supplemental Airlines. They took the overflow from the big airlines, and were a bargain for us starving students. $11.50 from San Francisco to Long Beach, one way. They flew DC-6s, which were reliable, but they flew low, and every time you passed over a large town or superhighway, the plane would jump from heated updrafts. About the time they got their Lockheed Electra-Jets (prop jobs with "jet assist" which originally had a tendency to fall out of the air), they got The Stewardesses! Who cares if the wings are going to fold up and the windows pop out just before the crash–PSA had The Stewardesses! By then, they had raised the fare to $13.50, but who cared? PSA had The Stewardesses! "Coffee, tea or me?" The Stewardesses! Today, "coffee or tea" is plenty without the "me," since the flight attendants often look like Madeline Albright or Dave Letterman. PSA is long gone, and so are The Stewardesses! Airport security is just another nail in the coffin.
I have to respectfully disagree on this one. As a denizen of the East Coast, living and working less than 15 miles from the Pentagon and with loved ones living in or less than an hour away from New York City, I will make the necessary accommodations to improve my chances of arriving at my final destination (at least my immediate earthly one) safe and sound and ensuring that those on the ground are just as safe.
The blame should be placed where it belongs…evil people (terrorists) committed evil acts because too many people in this country didn't take their "Death to America" threat seriously. Until we defuse this rabid violent element, I will take off my shoes and carry my worldly belongings in a plastic tub like a new inmate at the state penitentiary. It's a small price to pay…ask the loved ones of those who died on 9/11.
"Aren’t Major League Baseball games potential terrorist? Why doesn’t the TSA provide security for MLB and its patrons? In Israel terrorist often target restaurants and shopping centers so why isn’t Homeland Security saving the businesses at the mall a few bucks and having the TSA chase the skateboarders out of the food court?"
Dude, please, STHU! There are dozens of 20-something braindead minions in the White House basement who LIVE for finding new things for Barack Obama to DO, and this just fits their pistol.
If the TSA takes over security at ball games and the mall, 50 million people are going to want to punch you in the junk.
And while I hate the TSA and all it stands for, don't get lost in a rapture of nostalgia. The US airlines' and airports' lax attitude towards security standards was responsible for providing 19 illegal aliens the choice between seats in either the jihad or non-jihad sections.
TSA is a malignant tumor to general/commercial aviation and should be dealt with accordingly.
Human Beings always have a tendency to over react after tragedy. Homeland security and TSA are just the results of this tendency. How many here remember the 9/11 commision and all thier recommendations. It was mostly in response to those silly recommendations that were politically motivated that we have the current mess. No new rules, agencies, or procedures were needed. What was needed was the existing rules and procedures to be followed and the existing agencies to just do thier job instead of covering thier respective asses. Our over reaction and fear is responsible for most of this mess, meanwhile those in the trenches doing the job are too often made out to be the incompetent ones while the ones responsible are given a pass.
The late Len Morgan, who was a retired airline pilot and who had a regular column for Flying magazine, had a great column years ago on the deterioration of the flying experience. Up through the 1950s people would dress up to go on a plane – nowadays you see people in all stages of dress – or undress. And you hope that if you are unfortunate enough to get a middle seat in coach, you will be allowed your meager amount of room by your seatmates on either side. I just took some friends to SFO for a 11 hour flight to Frankfurt – and one of them told me that last time he was on an overseas flight to Hong Kong, it seemed that he was "framed" by 2 sumo wrestlers
Another columnist for Automobile Magazine made the point that for trips 400 miles or less you are almost always better off driving instead of flying. By the time you get through all the security nonsense – fly – get a ride at the destination airport….
Flying these days is definitely not fun.
I also liked the picture Jeffrey chose for his column – California's own airline, the late and lamented PSA, or Pacific Southwest Airlines.
It was a fun airline to fly – just look at the flight attendants – and the 727s and 737s had a "smile" painted on the nose of every airplane.
I could write for an hour on PSA but suffice it to say, US Air took them over years ago and they faded into oblivion.
If I am not mistaken they were started by 2 WW2 buddies who bought a few surplus C47s (DC3s) – headquartered in San Diego.
I hate the security arrangements they have for air travel today. They remind me of my flights within the old Soviet bloc. I have serious doubts about the efficacy of the security, too. They are always responding to the last threat, not the next one. I can figure out a half dozen ways of getting dangerous weapons or substances aboard a plane while I'm waiting to take my shoes off. And by the way, someone like myself who has spinal arthritis finds it nearly impossible to get his shoes and belt back on without lying down. Then I need help getting back up. When I've done that, it tends to make them nervous, although not as nervous as when I ask them how their tweezer collection is coming. You can say that it's a small sacrifice to make for 'security'– I'm not so sure.
I guess what I'm asking for is that the TSA discover some common sense. It's another example of govt doing things that don't work out quite so well. In my travels, I've encountered unbelievable arrogance to the point of psychosis – frisking down grandma, gleeing at the prospect of a missed flight, goosing people for the sake of security. I used to love to fly – but now, not so much. If the TSA doesn't piss you off , the airlines will usually accomodate. Customer service – talk about a fantasy
Now that Jena gave Obama a whole new place to interfere, I'll never be able to leave my house again. Metal detectors for every home. TSA agents on your doorstop! No fluids inside apartments–lord knows if one apartment goes up, the whole building goes up!
FEAR!! PH3333333333334R!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1!!!eleven!!!!!
Jeffrey, you're not on the "do not fly list", you're on the "take him in the back and search his colon" list. My friend, watch your back. . . side.
While I'm no big fan of the TSA or HSA, I remember that before and just after 9/11, the California airport security were minimum wage immigrants who spoke little or no English, didn't understand the chaotic new rules as they were introduced, and made catching a flight true hell. At least the TSA has imposed some standards.
"I have never like the term 'Homeland Security Agency' it has a strange ring that falls somewhere between “brown shirts” and “big brother” for me."
As well it should. Remember that DHS report a few weeks ago that claimed to identify right-wing terrorist threats? Didja notice how, minus the racists who have no business being lumped in with right-wingers in the first place, the people mentioned in it weren't threats to the American people per se, but rather to the federal government? Do you think that's an accident? I certainly don't.
Today if you asked Coffee, Tea or Me? You would be cuffed and stuffed put in the back galley and have your @ss sued off.
I do not mind being a threat to the Government, I believe it is my patriotic duty.
I wish you were wrong, but you're not.
I have to give credit where credit is due. That pic was the work of my editor, and a fine one he is, Mr. John Nolte
Which is the biggest reason why I drive the 6 hours it takes to visit family… even though we live very close to a major airport hub… And the last thing I want to deal with is a bunch of stupid people that can't figure out how to navigate an airport… :/
Oh and it's a thumb at TSA and HSA…. since I like to be independent like and haven't liked being "looked after" since I was about 12.
I could not agree more! If the security agencies that existed pre-9/11 could have done their jobs without fear of being sued, if gate wardens today could look for potential terrorists and screen them, if carry-ons were scrutinized and passengers not treated like criminals, then it would be a lot more comfortable to travel by air.
But gently surrender the things of your youth; easy travel, attractive flight attendants, low fares.
Boy can I relate to your flying enjoyment. I remember when I would not Fly Southwest Airlines because they treated you like cattle. Now they all treat you like cattle and you have to get there early to be treated like manure. Joy Joy.
I think the airline strategy today is to make flying such a miserable experience–from the moment you're dropped off at the curb to the moment you pick up your baggage–that most people will opt to do anything but fly. And it's not just the "drunk with power" TSA agents; it's the passengers who treat the airport and airplane like it's their private living room (or bathroom). Flying today requires heavy sedation and a good i-pod.
Then the terrorists have won. They've managed to keep you terrified and to modify your life to suit their purposes. If we don't go back to a semblance of normality – not the one that we've been forced to accept, how long will it be before we're told to strip for the body cavity search, put on the orange jumpsuits and manacles so everyone will be safe, and frog-hopped onto the aircraft for the short hop which will take eight hours, and of course you won't be able to have any luggage – carry on or checked, for fear of someone packing something that might explode? I used to enjoy flying. Now, I'll drive if possible or take the train.
Well, if the TSA actually did something it would be different. Usually they tag my 85 year old Mother-in-Law for the strip search because actually checking on young men of Middle Eastern origin, who are acting suspicious is RACIAL PROFILING! Well of course it is, but my Mother-in-Law, bless her heart, a WWII Veteran and Patriot is never going to take over a plane. But those "other guys" will because we want to be politically correct and not provide any security value at all.
Not only that but there probably wouldn't be any coffee or tea in the galley either.
I was thinking the same thing when I read Relish's comment. Yes, the terrorists are ultimately to blame for all this nonsense, but political correctness in the face of terrorism sure hasn't helped the situation. PC stupidity.
Jeffrey, you need to come up with creative ways to liven up the flying experience. For instance, next time there's a rough patch of turbulence and the plane is shaky, stand up and announce, "It's all ok! I'm a level seven Operating Thetan! If the engines fail, I can propel us with my mind!"
I know a guy whose son works for Jet Blue. He told me a story about a lady who had a pet cat that was prescribed to her by her psychiatrist as a comfort companion for anxiety. Mid flight, while in her lap, the comfort companion has a stroke and goes into seizures. The captain — inspired by stories of firefighters reviving puppies and kittens through CPR — grabs the defibrillator paddles to use on a 12 pound cat.
The cat flies straight up, hits the ceiling, and falls back into the lady's arms. Smoke is billowing out of every orifice. The smell of burnt hair circulates through the plane for the rest of the flight, but this discomfort is overshadowed by a hysterical woman who is crying like a banshee until the plane lands.
Think of this next time you see a comfort companion at the airport, and it might put you in a chipper mood for a good five minutes.
I refuse to fly until my CHL is good on the plane.
Until then I'll drive thankyouverymuch.
There is no God. There is no PSA. And there are no stewardesses! Don't worry, this moment of despair will pass.
The write up was good too Jeffrey!
Man that picture sure brought back memories of a good airline. Totally destroyed by the US Air takeover. I think the stewardesses started dressing in the hot pants in the 1970s. Or late 60s. But who can forget them?
Forgot about the Electra. As I recall the thing would vibrate and fall apart at inopportune times. But Lockheed seemed to have fixed it as its variant – the PC3 Orion – is still flying for the Navy in ASW duty. But it is about to be replaced by the B737.
I haven't flown much since 9/11, but I can back up what Sojourner is saying.
At LAX, the people they had doing security did not inspire confidence.
Cute pics. Why was I born after the Vietnam War?
I think American women are probably the best-looking attendants in the world.
Flying has turned into a miserable experience. Security procedures – draconian, and added to every time some knucklehead does something stupid (take off your shoes, don't carry nail clippers, don't carry liquids in bottles bigger than 3 oz. and then put them in a baggie separately for inspection, etc. etc. ad nauseum). Security personnel – not the sharpest knives in the drawer – oh, excuse me for using the word "knives". If the security personnel hear you utter one of the forbidden words (gun, knife, bomb, boxcutter, etc) they have the right to escort you into the little room in the back and…well, you know. Lines stretching from the front door to the door of the plane, and being scrutinized every shuffle of the way. Airlines – looking for any excuse to make a buck. They're sinking fast as it is, and they're capitalizing on the security restrictions to increase their bottom line. One check bag instead of two, your carry on has to fit into the little metal box next to the conveyor belt, more seats crammed into the same space, less flights but overbooking to ensure they can fill all the seats, new fees for security, for the cost of fuel (which didn't go down when the price of fuel went down), offering less amenities – no food, no metal cutlery – oh wait, no food anyway, never mind. Airline attendants – can be insufferable, empowered by the regulations to duct tape you to the seat if you do something they don't much approve of, they're more like 3rd grade nuns as opposed to fly the friendly skies – whatever happened to those friendly skies anyway? I was one of those guys that dressed up to fly – it was an entertaining experience. Now, it's just a necessary part of the job to get from point A to point B, and something to look forward to with a sense of despair rather than excitement.
I thought stewardesses only dressed like that in awesome movies, and in my dreams.
BPT
I spent two years in the land of OZ in the mis seventies and the "shelias" there were pretty easy on the eyes. For best looking flight attendants I would go with Thai Airlines.
The photo took me back to those golden days of yesteryear when I was a pilot for a major airline, and I recall seeing that very photo in PSA ads. I also deadheaded on PSA occasionally, and got to see their costumes up close and personal, of which I have fond memories. I took early retirement with a cash buyout in 1986 when I lost confidence in my employer's ability to survive, a decision which I never regretted although my timing was a bit off and the company lasted for another 15 years before it was absorbed into another airline.
The descriptions in this comment section of flying in those days are accurate, as my personal experience from 1965-1986 will attest. I did a lot of traveling for about 10 years after I retired, but finally got tired of it and haven't been aboard an airliner since 1996. Sometimes I think I'd like to take a trip somewhere just to see if all those horror stories I hear from others are true, but the urge soon leaves me.
If you'd like to take a nostalgic look at airline history where you will see the picture gracing this post as well as many others, see:
http://www.funstufftosee.com/goodbye.html
I remember PSA from my days in the Navy in the late '70's – "Poor Sailors' Airline". And then there was that photo of a flaming PSA airliner, starboard wing down, heading for a crash after being struck by a small private plane. The crash gave PSA's slogan, "Catch us – PSA – we're saving a seat for you!" – a macabre ring.
You can see a little of the good old days of air travel and advertising here (my site):
http://www.americanartarchives.com/airlines_of_th...
Don't worry, soon technology will catch up and flying will be obsolete. Technology has given us the TelePrompter President, soon we'll be able to telecommute everything. In no-glasses 3D! Virtual conferences, "face to face" business meetings just a secure satellite link away. Jenna can do routines for Tokyo from his living room studio and save the back and neck pain from dodging all those beer bottles thrown by drunken executives. Our beloved President won't have to spend half a day and 900,000 gallons of jet fuel for a photo-op signing in Idaho of his new Climate and Clean Air regulations (CaCA), he can literally phone it in. Al Gore will be happy as the satellites run on sunlight, the President can remain in the White House and perhaps find something to do that's actually helpful, where he can safely avoid exposure to Swine Flu strains 2 and 3 that of course were not brought over the border by under-documented voting union workers.
What's that, you want physical contact? Just slip your hand in this Sensory Glove and shake the linked-in robot hand to seal a deal. Oh, you're in a long distance relationship? Well, um, I assure you the Japanese are working very diligently to take care of this problem pronto. Now what?! Yes, I suppose people could "spoof" their appearances like they do on virtual reality sites. But people are inherently honest, and they'll likely be safeguards to confirm identity. Why, to make it easy to clearly identify me after the roll-out, I am informing you now that I am 6' 3" tall, 145 lbs, and can bench press 220. Now you know.
If you've ever seen a well dressed 70 year old white female pulled out of line for a special random check of her bags and person, you can't help but laugh. When Policitcal Correctness trumps Racial Profiling in the hunt for muslim jihadists, you tip your hat to George Orwell and sigh.
What did Tom Daschle tell us, to professionalize you must first federalize, and the Democrats with a nod from Republicans in congress gave us ta…da… the TSA. As I remember at the time Bush wanted to make the TSA private, and the leftist from both parties realized the vote buying potential, and the dream of all the little government myrmidons it will create, “Washington euphoria!”
When I was a kid in the ‘60s, my brothers and I wore suits to fly. Think of how silly you’d look now if you dressed your kids in suits, hell they’d probably arrest you for child abuse. The stewardesses in the ‘60s and ‘70s were “fine indeed.”
As an aside Jeffery did you see where Vegas has canceled 400 conventions = $100Million bucks lost revenue, this is taking place throughout the USA, and directly effects business as a whole. Even if you’re the most committed leftist, sitting on the floor with your fingers in your ears, eyes closed, stamping your feet, while bellowing, “the government will save me, the government will save me,” …can recognize the stupidity of quashing corporate conventions? I’m sorry, I must remember the logic thingy, that’s a bridge to far for our leftist.
You can feel the angst in your tone, Hawk, over the loss of the stewardesses at PSA.
…..and what happened to those vending machines …in the airports… that you could purchase a life insurance policy for a single flight for starting at $1 ??
I have flown exactly once since 9/11. Never again will I go through that crap. I may never fly again.
You got it right. It turned out the only thing wrong with the Electras, other than some minor design flaws, was they pushed them too hard. Once they started flying them slower, they became one of the safest planes in the air. The cabins were amazingly elegant. Not like a commuter lines today. They were phased out by the mid-60s, to be replaced by 727s and 737s. By then, the routes had been expanded to the major California airports, not just the outliers. The last time I flew PSA in the mid-70s, the round-trip from Oakland to Burbank (the best route for regular commuters and UC students whose families were in the L.A. area), the discount fare was $52.00 round-trip. We thought that was expensive.
Ah, my young friend. It was all real. The planes even had a signature look. They painted a curved line below the nose of the planes, so they always had a big smile. They were called "Smileliners."
The heyday of PSA was really from the mid 60s to the mid 70s. Then came the airline wars, and the decline of everything that had made the airline so unique and so much fun.
It showed?
It did indeed, my friend! Hey I see on Drudge SF is getting a cigarette butt tax? Do you have like city employees tuck you in bed at night and wake you with a smile and a cup of coffee, “we’re from the government, and are here to help.” It looks like Barry is gonna chase the Utopia that is California, just an observation, ha.
I haven't seen the Drudge report yet, but nothing San Francisco does could ever surprise me. When they tell me they're from the government and they're here to help me, I just tell them "the check is in the mail."
Hey, if you knew of all the murders, bombings, and other forms of domestic terrorism committed by those 1970's radical feminists you'd be wary too. As it is with all the Climate Change uproar these days, about all that gets mentioned is the terrible environmental damage wreaked during massive outdoor burnings. Thankfully such wanton thoughtlessness has been purged from the social consciousness, the most ardent supporters of Modern Feminism are now found at Victoria's Secret.
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