One Billion Turn Out Lights to Highlight Threat from Climate Change. When Lights Return, One Million Infidels Found Killed by Terrorists

by Julia Gorin

OK, so if you were mujahedeen, after Saturday night’s display of defiance and retaliation by the Free World against global warming/cooling/something, wouldn’t you totally be like:

“Hey, Infidel — Look! Does one cloud look darker to you than the other?”

“Ohmygod — where?!” (Infidel looks up.)

Sound of throat slashing.

“Works every time! Works every time!” the mujahed laughs to himself as he moves on to the next vigilant infidel.

Ever notice how as the threat of global terrorism reaches a crescendo, so apparently does the threat of global climate change?

Tough language is borrowed from the war on terror and applied to the war on weather. “I really consider this a national security issue,” says Laurie David. Al Gore calls global warming a “planetary emergency.” Bill Clinton’s “first worry” is climate change: “It’s the only thing that I believe has the power to fundamentally end the march of civilization as we know it.”

That’s right — don’t fight terrorism. Fight the weather. I guess if the Sudan had handed me bin Laden on a silver platter and I declined, and then I allied the Free World with al Qaeda in Kosovo and Bosnia — and didn’t bother dropping by the World Trade Center after it was bombed even though I was just across the river, I’d prefer to talk about the weather now too.

(Gore, meanwhile, has said that we “have to think differently about war” — a reference to war’s environmental consequences — and a handy excuse to not fight any real enemies.)

Freud called it displacement. People fixate on the environment when they can’t deal with real threats. Shaking a fist at the climate gives non-hawks a chance to look tough. They figure, “Let’s flex our muscle on this Mother Nature thing. Let’s take a preemptive strike at an SUV. Show ‘em we can be tough too.” So they play up climate change like it’s as urgent as terrorism — a threat they claim is overstated. Forget the Patriot Act, it’s Kyoto that’ll save you.

That’s why in 2004 we got “The Day After Tomorrow” — so we could worry about junk science that may or may not kill us in 1,000 years instead of the people who really are trying to kill us the day after tomorrow.

Take the nuclear waste facility in the Yucca Mountains of Nevada. The storage site was made durable for 10,000 years. But the environmentalists said that wasn’t good enough — make it two million. What was wrong with 10,000? Even the Jews haven’t been around for 10,000 years. And with a jihad on that’s going unanswered, no one’ll be around for another 10,000. Who are the enviros trying to protect? The cockroaches?

Why are these people so worried about the environment, anyway? It’s not like they’re living on this planet. And why are Democrats considered to be better for the environment than Republicans? It’s liberals who are polluting our water supply with all their anti-depressant medications and birth control. That’s not Republican Prozac in the water (we’re able to function in reality and don’t have to create alternate universes like Hollywood and academia). Perhaps if Democrats were more Republican, they wouldn’t need so much medication? They might even be able to face real threats.

For example, a real solution to a real problem — say, missile defense — is regarded as a joke by these types. (“Ha ha ha—‘Star Wars’, that’s so dumb–it’ll never work.”) So we have to fight to have a ballistic missile defense shield so we can save their asses so they can continue arguing that it doesn’t work. But something that we don’t know if it even exists, or needs fixing, or can be fixed—that’s when their critical thinking skills kick in:

“Stop! Shhhhhhh! Did you hear that? Did you feel that?!”
“Uh, no.”
“AHA!”

So while the hawks among us worry about preventing the real apocalypse that’s coming, the lefties just want to make sure the planet is in pristine condition when it gets here. In fact, the more menacing terrorism becomes, the more some people worry about the weather. Scared out of their wits and at a loss for how to fight terrorists — which requires some balls — they confront “climate change,” which only requires spending other people’s money like a bitch. No wonder some of these people chain themselves to trees — they think money grows on them. This whole global warming scare is just another scheme to bankrupt the American economy, so that the socialists can turn around and say, “See? We told you capitalism doesn’t work!”

There are people who just spent the winter cycling across America in freezing temperatures to promote awareness of global warming.

***Newsflash*** That heat you’re feeling isn’t global warming. It’s global Islam. It’s real, and it’s getting closer. You’ll have to cycle faster.

Then again, as one commenter pointed out on the Free Republic website, stoning is environmentally friendly, improves the fertility of the soil, and rocks can be recycled for future stonings.

So here I am walking around hunched over and flinching in anticipation of the next terrorist attack — and liberals are trying to talk to me about the freaking weather.

When did the weather become political, anyway? Whose idea was it to politicize the weather and call it environment? It’s not the environment — it’s the weather; stop trying to control it.

Ah, but some people need to. While they’re working toward socialized health-care and a controlled economy, they also have to socialize the weather. Showing of course no respect for the fact that the weather is a diva that doesn’t like to be predictable. (Why do you think it’s called the “weather”? Because you don’t know whether it’s going to behave the way it’s supposed to.)

Some even want to hold the U.S. legally liable for rising sea levels in other countries because of our high carbon dioxide emissions — even though an awful lot of people from those countries move here to do their emitting. (Can we be legally liable if half of them come here illegally?) Maybe if more countries were more industrialized and free-market, people wouldn’t risk their lives to do their driving and their farting over here?

Since liberals know that their threat is not as bad-ass as ours, they’ve recruited hooded, menacing children for public service announcements — apparently using the casting director from “Children of the Corn” — to warn us about screwing with THEIR future. (Weren’t all the liberal kids supposed to be aborted by now?)

If liberals think their threat is so big and bad, then I’d like to challenge them. Hey Lefties: I’ll bet that our threat can kick your threat’s ass. Let’s see — can climate change kick jihad’s ass? Put them in the ring together. In the right corner, we have two million Islamofascist fundamentalist jihadi psychopathic killing machines, supported actively or tacitly by several hundred million of the earth’s inhabitants, weighing in at 90 trillion pounds. In the left corner, we have Global Warming, alias “Climate Change,” weighing in at, um, uh, eh, beh — well let’s just get ready to rumble:

It looks like jihad is going in for the first punch — and the second punch. Global Warming/Cooling/Changing/Something is not responding. It seems to be hanging back in its corner, perhaps waiting for jihad to get tired. But it’s getting pummeled pretty bad. If it keeps on like this, Climate Change won’t be in any shape to be a threat to anyone. It may lose the title and never see another dime.

But who are we kidding — the lefties’ threat wouldn’t even show up for the match. And yet it is our threat that has already been declared non-existent by the current administration which last week ended, at least semantically, the war on terror, thereby making no pretense about its reluctance to fight real threats. The warnings are all about climate change now. (Wasn’t change supposed to be a good thing?)

In other words, as was warned, if Obama won, so would the terrorists.

Then again, having seen Rocky’s comeback in the 2006 movie “Rocky Balboa,” I’m not one to underestimate the spirit of the underdog, in this case Global Warming, alias “Climate Change.” Indeed, using one of those enviro-doomsday computerized weather models, I calculated that our catastrophe-to-be should befall us soon after the Islamic caliphate has completed its takeover. Just in time to put the planet out of its misery.


Email this to a friend | Print | Share on Facebook | | Bookmark and Share

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted Mar 30th 2009 at 9:03 am in Political Humor | 63 Comments