My Weekly Date with a Liberal – Date #2
by Jon DavidINT. BEDROOM – NIGHT
Breitbart entered. The woman was there waiting, but this time she had a young lady friend with her. The woman could no longer keep this to herself. She needed to share it with someone. Not surprising, Breitbart had no objection.
Who was he to deny anyone an opportunity to see it, particularly this young beauty?
She looked on with a combination of curiosity, skepticism, and perhaps a hint of excitement which she tried to hide.
He slowly opened his “laptop”…her eyes landed on his Big Hollywood and then grew wide as if trying to make room for what she was seeing. She had been prepped, but apparently not well enough. Her eyes rolled back in her head and she fainted.
BREITBART
Looks like it’s just the two of us.
_______ _______
Note: The above scene is WGA registered.
For those readers unfamiliar with my specific niche within the Big Hollywood community, I urge you to read my initial column before proceeding any further.
Consider it an army field manual of sorts. With a better understanding of my motivation and commitment to research, this manual will help you survive with me, side by side, and together, we will navigate the treacherous mine field which is the dating of a Liberal.
Note: In the case of this field manual, torture is permissible and lawful as it is self inflicted.
If you choose to continue without watching the Pilot so to speak, at least let me share with you one of the sharpest insights I’ve read on the subject.
“The divide between the sexes is great and mysterious. The divide between the sexes with opposing political perspectives could prove to be dangerous enough to cause irreparable harm to anybody willing to explore it.”
- Jon David
As a noble and anonymous crusader for Big Hollywood, I have decided to dive on the grenade for all conservatives and date One Liberal a week. The following self mandated criteria must be met weekly.
- She has to be a confirmed liberal
- I can not tell her I’m a conservative until mid way through the date
- I shall report my findings honestly, and in excruciatingly painful detail.
Date #2 “Angelib”
There really is no such thing as a “blind” date anymore. Google and Facebook are pretty much all you need to find out anything about anyone. It saddens me that in our quest for immediate gratification, we have abandoned our principles…out of narcissism, we keep no secrets kept, and out of laziness and convenience we have jettisoned all traditional notions of stalking. Nobody has the time or wherewithal to get in a car and properly stake out a woman’s house or place of work anymore. Nobody has the courage to defy a restraining order in the name of unrequited love. God forbid we actually put in some legwork or show some real initiative…or dare I say….pride.
But why should we? We need not put in any extra effort when all that is required of us is the click of a mouse to remove all mystery from a time honored tradition, while robbing ourselves of one of the few surprises left in the world.
We have lost respect for the institution itself. We have given eyes to the blind date.
Some of the more insightful readers may have already guessed that my second date started off blind. In fact, the date was procured by my brother as he lay in a hospital room recovering from a most embarrassing hemorrhoidectomy, of which I promised I would never speak. However, the magnitude of the gesture I’m about to describe trumps any promise of confidence I may have made.
As he lay on his stomach, pain killers coursing through his veins, a new shift of nurses began, and in walked Angelib to check on my brother’s wounded posterior. How are you feeling Mr. Brother of Jon David? Now the good thing about having a brother who’s married is that every girl he’d like to have sex with, he sends my direction. Despite the medication and his compromising position, he was still able to see his vicarious forest through the trees.
As she removed and replaced the gauze from his bottom, he slurred the words: Do you have a boyfriend? Why he felt this an auspicious time to pose such a question, I will never fully understand, but somehow it garnered a laugh from Angelib. So he continued. I’d like to introduce you to my brother.
Like a soldier putting his company first, my brother ignored the throbbing pain in his backside and put me first. When I think of the valor, it brings tears to my eyes.
Apparently I wasn’t the only one moved because I kid you not, she said okay.
It was on: a blind date: one of the few surprises left in the world. I immediately logged on to Facebook to check her out.
Note: in my defense, please refer back to the first of my self mandated criteria. She had to be a confirmed liberal. If there was another way, I would have pursued it.
As I combed through her photos (only downloading the really hot ones) I came across a disturbing image: a photograph that truly upset me and had me thinking that I might not be able to go through with this. Even more disturbing was what she had written beneath it….
“My favorite picture of the year” – Angelib
To calm myself a bit, I did what I usually do when I need to relax, I began reading the Constitution.
Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.
It’s her right. It’s her right. It’s her right. I was hoping the mantra itself might make what was inherently her right, feel less wrong. But it didn’t. So I turned to my imagination for comfort, thinking of all the potential finger gestures our former President could have been making from within that helicopter as he flew off to a place where he might actually be appreciated.
But then I realized that President Bush was far too classy to indulge in that type of petty antics as evidenced by my favorite picture of the year.
My caption would have simply read……Class
If I had truly taken anything away from the latter image, then I too, would have to walk the high road. I could not blame Angelib for her stupidity and misguided patriotism as both are protected under the constitution. I had to embrace her and the greater cause: the commitment I made to all of you here at Big Hollywood to seek the truth. Not to mention, my brother’s hemorrhoidectomy was not as successful as initially thought and might require additional surgery. I owed my fallen comrade the courtesy to follow up on his shameless inquiry.
I would proceed but I have to be honest, I was hesitant to spend any money on this date.
I called my local Congressman: Henry Waxman. I explained to his office the purpose of my research in hopes of securing a handout. Unfortunately, the notion of Republicans understanding Democrats is of little or no importance to the current administration. I was also informed that the last of the monies for my district in the current Omnibus spending bill had already been allocated to study canine testicular elephantitis within short legged breeds. Seemed reasonable, so I moved on.
I stopped by the offices of Big Hollywood. Breitbart greeted me warmly. I explained that I was having a hard time justifying spending money on this particular date. I showed him the picture from her Facebook page and explained my adverse reaction. He listened intently, nodding his head. It was good to see a friendly face. He stood up from his desk, took a swig from a jar of moonshine, and said 2 words: “Personal Responsibility.” I thought about this. He was right. I had abandoned one of the core principles of conservatism. I didn’t need any help. I had initiative. I’d figure something out on my own. I thanked him. Then he punched me in the face.
When I woke up, the answer was clear: the perfect date with a liberal…and it wouldn’t cost me anything…at least monetarily….the HIKE date. Every liberal loves a good hike. Don’t get me wrong, conservatives enjoy a good climb as well. We just prefer more scenic environments…like melting glaciers.
Another benefit of the L.A Hike date is that for some reason, the hiking trail is the only place in the entire city where people let their guards down, greeting every passing stranger as if they’ve known them for years. It’s a place where people set aside their differences, re-evaluate their prejudices, and open their arms to the loving essence of every soul….all a result of some bizarre unity created by a common interest in walking uphill.
I knew of a hill. I also knew that once I got Angelib on the trail…in her element, she’d be singing like a little liberal canary in no time. …plus it wouldn’t cost me anything.
Note: there are no notes at this time.
I must say I was a little nervous as I waited for my not so blind date to arrive. To make matters worse, at the mouth of the trail there was posting of things to look out for while hiking: Poison Oak, Ticks, Rattlesnakes, Mountain Lions, Republicans.
“Jon?” I turned around and there she was…all smiley and liberal. “Angelib?” I won’t bore you with the pleasantries, but we made a pact not to discuss anything related to my brother’s hemorrhoidectomy.
She suggested we hike up to the waterfall. I didn’t have the heart to tell her that there had been a 3 year drought in California and there was most likely no waterfall and thus, we probably wouldn’t come across any unicorns either, as they tend not to show up when nature’s faucet runs dry. I was in the business of finding truth. Not crushing dreams.
So off we went. It was a narrow trail, so I suggested she lead. That way I could evaluate the firmness of her booty, under the guise of being a gentleman. This was suggested by a friend of mine who had more hiking dates under his belt than I.
___
I’ve always been told to ask a lot of questions on a date….to take the focus off myself while showing an interest in the woman. Apparently she came from a different school, and spoke only of herself, saving me the trouble of asking or answering any questions whatsoever.
Her river of narcissism was diverted only for encounters with other hikers. ”Good Morning.” “Hi, how are you?” “Good morning.” “Beautiful day.” “Hi, how are you?” And then seamlessly flowed back to her dreams….her fears….her son.
Her what? Her son? What son? Nobody told me anything about a son.
There were no pictures of a child on Facebook nor did it list her as a “Proud Parent.” Why didn’t she have any pictures of him? Maybe she wasn’t proud. What kind of woman isn’t proud of her son? I’ll tell you what kind: One with a really nice butt. Good tip from my friend.
I was worked up and couldn’t figure out why. I had dated single moms in the past. It was never an issue. I love kids. I was once a kid, and I think I’m fantastic.
And then it hit me: omission can be a lie. For me, a woman needs be up front about 3 things. 1) Does she have kids? 2) Does she have herpes? 3) Does she have herpes?
At this point I had to assume she had herpes. She left me no choice.
I was starting to feel bad about myself. Maybe I needed to be more open. Give her the benefit of the doubt. Be One, with the…hill. Maybe there was a reason she didn’t mention him, or have his picture up. Maybe there was something wrong with him. I had been working on becoming more sensitive. This was as good a time as any to put it into action.
So I took an interest in her son by…..asking his name. Stuart, she said proudly. Stuart Libble, I thought. According to Angelib, Stuart was far from wrong. In fact, not only was he was the cutest in his class, he was also the smartest, warmest, the most generous, best athlete, the most insightful, and the most sensitive…little did I know, her 5 year old was the best child ever made.
Now this is a strange phenomenon I’ve noticed with parents. Every parent has the best child. I know this isn’t true. I have a niece and couple of nephews and I love ‘em dearly, but frankly, there nothing’s spectacular about any of them. They know this. I’ve told them.
So how can there be so many great kids? If all these kids are so great and so smart, that would mean great genes were passed on by the parents who must also be great because they’re the ones who passed on the genes, not to mention, they were born to their parents who must’ve thought they had the greatest kids. So in essence, everyone who has parents is the greatest and the smartest. As cogent as I feel this theory to be, it must be flawed because upwards of 63 million people voted Barack Obama into the highest office in the world.
We took a break to soak in the dry brush and waterless creek. From her backpack, she took out two re-usable plastic water containers and two bags of homemade trail mix she had prepared specifically for the hike. I was starting to dig the whole maternal thing and started to think about how warm and safe I’d feel in her womb. I was getting distracted and losing focus. I had to pull myself together. I had to remember her favorite picture of the year. I had to figure out an organic way to steer the conversation into the political arena. I couldn’t be looking for a fight….and then she asked Do you like kids?
Then I saw it. My first move….and then the second…and then the whole board. I was Big Hollywood’s Bobby Fischer. My transition would be stealth, organic, and inevitably lead to an unhealthy ideological debate.
Note: If you can’t see the move, don’t be down on yourself. Feel good about You.
I love kids. They just scare me a little these days.
Why’s that? She asked.
I thanked her for the water, placed the bottle in her backpack, and said because there’s no respect anymore. Then I took the lead up the trail. She followed. I knew she would…..because….we were hiking together.
I was setting up the Jerome Gambit, an opening move in chess described as extremely dubious, where White sacrifices two pieces in hopes of exposing Black’s king and obtaining a mating attack.
Note: I have no idea what that means.
What I did know was that this was a “Plug in and Play” situation: a pre-existing family with rules of interaction and engagement already in place. All I had to do was get her talking, which hadn’t proven difficult thus far, but more specifically, about those rules…about her parenting style…unfortunately that would entail hearing more about Stuart.
If I could stomach this, the promise of ideological division would be great. After all, I’ve seen marriages fall apart as a result of differences in parenting styles. But these differences usually turn out to be symptoms of something else: an underlying resentment or hatred for the other person seems to be the most popular root cause in the institution these days.
I had no doubt, that once the division was established regarding child rearing, I could skillfully guide her into the political arena and from there, the underlying resentment and/or hatred for one another would no longer be “underlying.” It would surface and then we could explore it, embrace it, and see if we could overcome it.
So I chose the concept of “respect.” She was a liberal, so I knew it was likely she might find the notion antiquated, and thus elicit an adverse reaction. It did.
You’re not one of those people who thinks it’s disrespectful for Obama to take his jacket off in the Oval Office, are you?
Ah…the condescending negative question…a technique used by the arrogant by which any answer other than “no” labels you an idiot. So I applied the technique of answering a question with a question, often used by smart people.
Why do you think people were so bothered by that? I asked.
Her answer….wait for it…..here it comes…..: because Republicans are uptight a**holes who can’t handle the fact that we have a cool President. Taking off his jacket makes him one of the people as opposed to some King on a throne.
She was apparently participating in a scarcely known cerebral cap and trade program, whereby she was rewarded for using the least amount of her brain possible….by limiting the amount of intelligent thought escaping into the atmosphere she was accumulating credits. I could only assume she’d be getting an unprecedented tax refund.
As she continued, the ideological division between us grew as I suspected it would. When it came to parenting, she subscribed to the teachings of progressive behaviorist Alfie Kohn, who believes that respect comes from internal authority as opposed to external authority….Stuart was allowed to call his mom, teachers, and adults by their first names. This was so they were not viewed as authority figures to be feared, but rather as equals.
I was interested in knowing more about how liberals were grown.
Here are some other interesting tenets of Alfie Kohn which Angelib was applying.
- No punishment
- No rewards
- No competition
I had hit the mother load. This was a big game liberal. I half expected a helicopter to swoop down over the ridge, where I’d see Sarah Palin leaning out, aiming an assault rifle to put Angelib down like an Alaskan Bull Moose.
But the Governor didn’t show so I was left with the only weapons I had: logic, reason, and the desire to see her face when she realized I was one of the uptight a**holes who can’t handle the fact that we have a cool President.
I expressed a genuinely feigned interest in her methods which pleased her greatly. I did however, have some questions. I started off innocently: if there is no punishment, how does he learn not to do something? She explained that recently Stuart punched her in the stomach. Fortunately I was in the lead hiking position so she couldn’t see me fight the laughter. She continued. Instead of meeting aggression with punishment, she and Stuart talk it out. She sits him down and says that punching Mommy or Angelib in the stomach doesn’t “work for her.” It makes her sad. It was liberal foreign policy applied to a 5 year old.
–
Dear President Medvedev, Dmitry,
We realize our missile defense system doesn’t work for you. We understand how you feel. So we hope you understand that a nuclear weapon in the hands of Iran, doesn’t work for us. Does it work for you? If not, could you please sit down with Mahmoud and tell him what he’s doing doesn’t work for either of us? We’d really appreciate it. Look forward to talking and talking and talking and talking and talking.
See you later alligator,
Barack
P.S. I hope you don’t interpret this letter as a sign of weakness. And please don’t tell anybody I wrote you. That wouldn’t work for me and it would make me sad.
–
We moved on to no rewards and no competition. My question was simple: if you remove rewards and competition, aren’t you also doing away with initiative, incentive, and personal responsibility? She made it very clear that Alfie Kohn was a scientist and that there were many studies that show a child performs better when there is nothing at stake.
This time laughter trumped courtesy.
What’s funny? She asked aggressively.
I’m sorry….I just don’t understand… When is there nothing at stake? In the real world, there are stakes.
The real world? She gave me the forward head tilt combined with the eyebrow lift, which in my experience, usually means “bring it.” So I brought it.
Yeah, the one I live in. Where competition drives innovation. Where hard work and good behavior should be rewarded. Where bad behavior should be punished. Where socialism doesn’t work. Where diplomacy is not a policy, it’s a tactic.
Note: I borrowed that last part from former UN Ambassador John Bolton.
For the first time on our hike, she was speechless, but only briefly. And then as if the possibility had just occurred to her…
You’re not a Republican are you?
It was as if Reagan himself hurled a lightning bolt from that Oval Office in the sky, where jackets are required….and it struck my heart such that I pulsed with strength and pride. She deserved the answer on behalf of uptight A**holes everywhere.
And I said, Yes. I’m a Republican. And then…..
….shirtless hippies carrying djembes descended from the dried out shrubs which line the Santa Monica Mountains, formed a drum circle, and began beating Hail to the Chief. I thought of my favorite picture of the year.
Actually there weren’t any hippies….just dead silence, save for the jolly couple passing by with a cheerful “Good Morning.” This time she didn’t respond. I did. “Hi, how are you?”
Angelib looked confused, almost disoriented, while still managing a hint of disgust. I clarified my position, not aggressively, just truthfully.
And I don’t think Obama’s cool. Taking his jacket off in the Oval doesn’t make him one of the People. It makes him pompous and disrespectful. He’s no more one of the People than I’m Tenzing Norgay. Obama seems like a guy who won the lead in the school play and he terrifies me. Not to mention he uses more adverbs than any orator since Cicero. Everything this guy does will be done “boldly” and “swiftly,” including the destruction of our country if we’re not careful. Is there any more trail mix?
She shook her head “no.” The awkwardness was palpable. Neither of us quite knew what to do.
Should we hike any further? I asked. I think the waterfall is just a little further. We both understood the metaphor. And upon reflection, I think we both knew there was no waterfall.
She considered it, briefly, and then once again, shook her head “no.” I understood and agreed. So with very few words, we hiked back down our cars…boldly and swiftly.
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127 Comments
Hey man don't compare me to Obama. I could actually speak in public. And I never said Um, you know or like.
http://www.hbo.com/rome/img/cast/character/charac...
Thus spake Marcus Tullius Cicero.
You left a liberal speechless, WELL DONE!
This is amazing.
Kimberly Liberal Man is an oxymoron.
How did the drive back go ? WIth no rewards, I wonder if she fell back to the "doesn"t work for me" routine.
WIth all the rules of engagement being changed, can't you still ask for some sex, maybe just a grudge match ?
I will make a bold statement – that you are the unsung hero of our time. Facing certain disdain, you boldly confront the beast and tickle its belly. You affirm what we all suspect, that brain damage comes in all forms, including cute, hiking little packages like Angelib. Her fuzzy thinking one world approach with the one leading the procession, will ensure that her wonderful son can look forward to a lifetime of therapy and gender confusion. Unfortunately, there is no vacine for BDS. Well done and thank you. Good luck for round 3!
Makes me damn glad I married the former Marine daughter of a retired Navy Seal. You should see the way she clobbers hippie drum circles that attempt to outflank us when we're out on the real trails stalking for game.
Hahahaha herpes.
Best article ever
You know she has mentally punched you in the stomach 1000 times by now.
Thank you for sacrificing yourself to bring us such entertainment.
I particularly love "cerebral cap and trade program."
Loved the cerbral cap 'n trade
As much as I enjoy these posts … have you not seen the movie where the guy goes out with a woman he doesn't think he'll like–e.g. the nerd, the girl he has a secret grudge against, or a liberal–for some ulterior motive–e.g. a dare, money, or entertaining blogging fodder–and ends up falling for the girl, who he immediately loses because she finds out about the ulterior motive? In the movie the irresistably lovable guy gets the girl because she finally believes he really loves her and all is forgiven, but he thing about movies is that they rarely end like the typical life situations from which they arise.
That being said, keep blogging! I like the concept.
Half again longer than it needed to be, but once you got around to the actual date, good stuff!
Hilarious. At what point in the conversation did you seriously consider jumping off the cliff to end the misery of this conversation? I'm not sure I would have made it past the parking lot.
http://the100mostannoyingthings.blogspot.com/
Excuse me as I indulge in a little maternal advice.
If you want to meet a woman of substance, get out of Hollywood for a while.
If you need an excuse, develop a project that requires research in fly-over country. Visit the southern states. Avoid the big cities where liberals tend to collect. Find a smaller city near a military base. Spend some time at the local markets, the county fair, free outdoor concerts, a “Welcome Home” event for the troops or even Walmart. Put a “God Bless Our Troops” ribbon on your vehicle (preferably an SUV). At every opportunity, mention that you are single and a conservative.
Many average Americans have attractive, single relatives that they fear will fall into the clutches of a liberal. You could be the answer to their prayers.
LOL – Awesome. As usual.
Nah. I thought it was PERFECT! You had me reading along, curious to see what the next sentence would say. Note: The dogs were outside the computer room, STARVING–and I was able to ignore them and read the entire description. Big THUMBS UP!
Well worth the wait! Outstanding JD. Sounds like a rough one, but you handled it with grace and humor as per usual. I'd be remiss unless I gave Kudos your brother for his service as well…can't wait til the next one.
What an ending! Subversive and brilliant Jon. Not only does dear Agelib have to face contemplating she has just encountered a conservative once registered in her mind as potential daddy-mate, or at least intertwined in sweaty human bondage for a further check under the hood, she must do so alone, far from civilized hollyweird, facing the prospect of no choice but to hike back to her 'reel world' – WITH HIM! Icky chacha. Plus, the shattered illusion that no band of '….shirtless hippies carrying djembes descend…' would ride like the 7th Calverly to her distressed resque. Purely saving the world one date at time Jon. I am jumping up and done at my computer right this moment…like Roberto Benigni…!!!!
I was about to write a comment until I read the one from Phoenix…..so now I will simply agree: brilliant!
I found out my sister is a Liberal. She told me she was happy that BO was in the office so that he could get her husband a job. I turned and asked my mother if my 40 year old sister was adopted or special needs that we weren't aware of.
Yeah, but Angelib held out on the trailmix at the end. So much for no punishments. Typical Lib hypocrite
Iowahawk who? THIS made me laugh out loud at work, where I'm not suppose to. Kudos and huzzah! (Just kidding, Dave Burge)
Wait. I gotta know….what happened with Gwendolib (aka date #1)?! Don't need details, just wondering if you ever managed to break the news to her that you're a Republican….and where it went from there.
Nice to see you back. What ever happened to Gwendolib? Didn't you want to see her again?
Anyway, I admire your courage and I am in awe of your comedic abilities. You and Iowahawk make my days brighter.
Am I crazy or was this moving as well as hilarious?
I vote not crazy
Bro- I love your columns.
Literally tears are running down my face due to laughing so hard. I can relate- try finding a non-liberal Jewish woman in DC to date now!!
So worth the wait…. you've become my favorite poster (boy) on Big Hollywood. Hilariously, and intellegently written.
Angiel was not still nursing your brother, hopefully!
St. Patty's Day party tonight… cute, svelte, oddball liberal hosting…. moving in to find out more. You would think I learned my lesson from the last liberal I dated.. but NOOOO.
[...] David returns to Big Hollywood with the inimitable "Date a Liberal" [...]
Consider ratcheting up the shock-and-awe at the moment of truth by responding to the question: "Are you a Republican?" with: "No…they're not conservative enough for me."
Doesn't she realize that that doesn't work for him and will make him sad?
Your brother is SO lucky to have you for a brother.
Thank you – and thank him too – for your sacrifices.
Southern girls are prettier than most places anyway. I should also add that race tracks and tractor pulls are great places to meet people.
Insightful and funny.
As someone who has often sat quiet while libs expound their theories (thinking me to be one of them), it is nice to see this kind of unfolding, leading them in and snapping them back. Welcome to the world outside the fish bowl.
Hey good tactics are good tactics…they will always survive. About 11 years ago, I used the stalker technique in pursuing a little hottie who worked for our client. Used to loiter about certain areas of the factory where I knew she'd be popping up. I also used the "let her lead" maneuver going up factory stairs to evaluate and enjoy the caboose. Good times…..good times. And good job JD, another trophy on the wall. To my daughters: I love you Lucy & Ellen…be good to Mommy, Happy St. Patricks Day!, Love, Daddy! Question O-thority!
Great post! I'll look forward for more!
She was apparently participating in a scarcely known cerebral cap and trade program, whereby she was rewarded for using the least amount of her brain possible….by limiting the amount of intelligent thought escaping into the atmosphere she was accumulating credits. I could only assume she’d be getting an unprecedented tax refund.
I almost fell out of my chair laughing. Keep fighting the good fight. I dated a film and video studies major once. This kinda reminds me of some of our dates. Thank your brother for his service to the cause.
This was the most hilarious thing I've read in a long long time. I loved every second of it. Wish I could've seen her face
.
Brilliant, please keep these up, they are definitely my favorite posts on Big Hollywood!
"Nobody has the courage to defy a restraining order in the name of unrequited love."
I'm glad to find another person who understands that a restraining order is the beginning of a relationship…
I agree. This was hilarious!! Thank you.
I agree.
LOL!
This was the funniest thing I have read in a LONG time. Start working on the book – I'd buy it!
Quality comedy. Bravo, sir!
Fantastic, Mr. David. Thank you so much for this read. I enjoyed it immensely… a great story, and very well written.. I look forward to next week's installment.
Let us know if Obama gets her husband a job.
Your experiences have enlightened me on how to easily break up with skanky liberal women, namely reveal that I believe in the divinity of Reagan.
Thanks! and may the beneficence of the Ronald be with you.
My favorite part was the letter from Obama to Dmitry. You're a very gifted writer. Very funny.
This whole episode proves that most people are "liberals" only because they think they're supposed to be. That's why they haven't really thought it through. It's like you wouldn't wear your hair in a style that's not fashionable, so you're not a conservative for the same reason They don't even know what a conservative is. Just that it's not cool. And they don't know why it isn't cool; only that most of the people they're around tell them it isn't.
And if they start to think you might be cool, in your case because you politely listened to her narcissistic ramblings, then they are then totally confused to find out you're not. They don't understand how one would have the courage to be conservative or how you could put up with the ridicule.
No punsihment, no rewards, no competition…she sounds more like Nurse Ratchett than Nurse Angelib. Did you see Henry Waxman along the trail on your hike handing out the "free" lemonade? It was really good, strong but suprisingly bold.
LOL-O-LOL-LOL and Bapa ooo mow mow!
Finally, conservative humorous erudite prose!!!! I've been looking for installment 2 for weeks. This is so savory, it's well worth the wait. Specially loved cap n trade. Brilliant! My best friend from when I grew up actually told me her favorite moment of the inauguration was when the Bush family flew away in the helicopter! I was stunned, since it was one of the saddest moments for me, and I couldn't believe that spite for Bush could trump joy for Obama, who she loves. Yup. Thanks Jon. Do it again.
yeah, hilarious how you're leering at this lady's butt and daydreaming of entering her womb on a first date. not disgusting or anything. but glad you have the balls to call her narcissistic, you nasty creepo.
Very funny writing. Love it. Keep up the good work. It says weekly date–so make these posts weekly, please! I need the laughs.
You have to wonder if one of her liberal lawyer friends is going to sue you for the emotional damage of having a conservative male talk to her. Be careful.
hey, sounds like walking behind someone isn't a isn't a trick reserved for one sex and one purpose: my 80-somethin' year old mother said one of the reasons that she was voting for obama was that she loved the way he looked from the backside as he climbed up a flight of stairs.
Hilarious. So you have to let us know when (if) any of these ladies read the posting, and the aftermath that accompanies it. I can't wait to hear about your next date. (And I'm stealing some of your jokes, by the way. Do something!)
So I am guessing that you didn't get "lucky"?
You should have turned around as soon as she said she'd named her son "Stuart" (no offense to any Stuarts or Stewarts) out there. Probably named him after the Al Franken "Stuart Smalley" character.
and i forgot to add, great funny story! and i love that photo of president bush also—kindness and class
Loved the post! Very well done. And not enough can be said about "cerebral cap & trade". As an uptight Republican a**hole, I look forward to your continuing adventures.
You need to take your dating act on the road. Come to NYC where you can date some real libs. The ones your meeting in LA are too restrained….I think you're ready for the big league!
Talk about taking one for the team.
Absolutely brilliantly written and i haven't laughed so hard all day…can't wait to read your next adventure into the unknown aka Liberal land.
Grow up……oh wait, you're a liberal. That's impossible
You sir, are a complete idiot. Good thing the GOP is falling apart! GOOOOOOO Palin!
Completely agree. I was laughing so hard I was crying.
Jon, what a terrific column!! I have to admit though, I'm now concerned for your poor brother's safety…. please tell us that he is out of the hospital AND/OR Angelib is no longer one of his nurses!! Your description of his rather comprimised position, could make him vunerable to some sort of retaliation on her part…. you clearly ticked her off, and liberals are loons….
Or, the overgrown child Stuart from MadTV… which is sadly how the kid may wind up.
That is probably one of the most brilliant articles I've seen come out of CA, ever!
"It was as if Reagan himself hurled a lightning bolt from that Oval Office in the sky, where jackets are required…."
Thanks for "taking one for the team", you sir, are a true American Hero and I salute you!
Stuart was allowed to call his mom, teachers, and adults by their first names. This was so they were not viewed as authority figures to be feared, but rather as equals.
This has more to do with attitude than with methodology. I was raised by very conservative Christian parents whom I called Mom and Dad but who allowed (and even encouraged me) to refer to other adults by their first names unless instructed otherwise, or if there was a formal title involved. (Dr., Rev., etc.) Did I view these other adults as equals? On some level, yeah sure. But did I still see them as authority figures? Absolutely. They were adults, and if a rule was made or a decree issued, it was to be followed. Parents who are anal about their kids calling me Ms. Jaci annoy me. If the kids remembers to say please and thank you, I don't need a prefix on my name.
This was a great post! Reminds me of a few of my dates with liberal guys (if only I had known!)
I have a crush on you, Jon David! purrrrrr ;]
Yes…"cerebral cap & trade program" is absolutely a phrase I'm going to have to steal & use myself in the future!!!
I agree with susan…though I like to add, go to any activity that men like…liberal women dislike real men & that leaves only the quality women at these events. The first time I took my wife to a gun show her comment was "wow…look at all the men…I've got to tell my single friends!"
lol…….If only I had the courage to tell about my dating a liberal woman for over a year – and the bizarreness (is that a word) of it all. Fortunately, I lack the courage and am unable to relive the experience.
Great story ….thanks!
This is quite possibly the most pathetic thing I have ever read. You're seriously going on dates with women for the express purpose of getting into fights with them over politics? You're seriously declaring it a victory when the only response is an awkward silence?
Before you sting up the "Mission Accomplished" banner, maybe you should consider the very real possibility that this poor woman wasn't silent because your brilliant rhetoric demolished her entire leftist way of thinking. Maybe she was silent because she was in a remote location with a man she hardly knew who suddenly blew up at her without a moment's notice. Maybe she wanted to get away from you as quickly as possible because she was afraid you might rape and/or kill her and politics was the furthest thing from her mind at that moment.
Hmm…read the article again. Poor woman? She was far more aggressive than he. He actually made a point of saying "I clarified my position, not aggressively, just truthfully."
This is tongue and cheek satire about dating in hollywoood, not a how to rape and murder manual….you seem to be writing that one.
.
I like this, but it's basically the same thing conservative men are doing on college campuses all across the country. Except they nail them first. That was the only real purpose of the "wymens studies" chicks I could figure out… sex. Angry, angry sex.
Jon David,
I really enjoy reading your "liberal date" posts here on Big Hollywood! Your excellent sense of humor always shines through. Also, I like it that you take your time and describe how the date came about and then how the date itself unfolded. Very entertaining stuff!!
With that said, I was wondering about Date #1 “Gwendolib” . From what I remember, you hit it off quite well with her, even though she was a liberal. You discovered that you could have chemistry with a liberal, since you and Gwendolib definitely had it (and Gwendolib had "ample bosom" as well!). Again, just curious.
Your monthly "date with a liberal" is one of my favorite posts here at Big Hollywood! Keep up the great work!!
p.s. I, too, have had occasions where I have found myself on a date with a liberal. That's why I so enjoy reading your irreverent postings on the subject.
PShipwrite
Tremendous post. Chalk full of wit, innuendo, and hilarious obervations. This man is a find.
Should you ever meet with her again, a more effective conversion technique may be to bring along a podcast of Alfie Kohn. Like anyone else who knew him before he was obscure, no parent even tangentially in contact with their right mind would ever do anything that might endow their child with any trait of that dreary, pompous, self-obsessed, nebbish Alfie Kohn. For anyone who knew Alfie, the idea that he carries any sort of intellectual weight with non-comatose people is too funny to cry about.
It's been a long time since I had hero that wasn't in uniform… thanks!
Here's a liberal viewpoint of this:
This is an interesting experiment. I'd like to see someone try it vice-versa, too.
Let me inform you of something: Not all liberals think Republicans are inherently stupid, evil, terrible people. There are obviously some differences in how we we think government should be run, but mostly we're on the same page if you think about it. Republics are cool. Communism not so much, including socialism! Many liberals do support government run programs, and we think conservatives are ridiculous for thinking that politicians such as our president are socialists. I do not believe that the jacket thing matters. I don't think it makes him more or less cool, I really couldn't care less if he works with a jacket off. He's from Hawaii, it doesn't surprise me and it's a total nonissue. I, personally, am a liberal who would rather have a weaker central government. I guess that makes me a liberal-libertarian (I do believe in taxes). And remember, a lot of people think that what George W. Bush did as president was wrong, morally and in lotsa other ways. I'm sure you guys will be just as glad when Barack leaves office. Also, as for Prius's, they don't do a thing for the environment. I care about the environment, and I do what I can to help, but I'm not stupid.
It might be hard to parse from this paragraph because I've made it so unorganized, but my point is that you can't lump liberals all into one group.
After watching the breitbart-dyson-maher clips, the breitbart-punching-your-face is a lot easier to visualize! Good Stuff.
I am so stealing "cerebral cap and trade."
So smart, funny & sarcastic!!! and so true…
Just loved it! Keep going Jon David!
That, my friend, was greatness! Keep up the good work.
"…river of narcissism…" I'll be using that in the future…..
What an account! Thanks for sharing it.
Though liberal or not, the first mistake was a date with a woman with a child or children. Huge hassle. I disqualify women on the basis of having a kid on board. I run a tight ship.
Some rules:
1. Never date a woman with more problems than you have.
1a. In this context, a child is a problem.
1b. In this context, a husband is a problem.
2. Never date a drama queen. If you won't provide the drama, she certainly will.
3. Never date a woman who talks too much about her job or career. Boring.
4. No liberals.
There's more, but if you stick with those, you should be ok.
this can’t be a true story. it’s too incredible! but if it’s true, i wanna hear more stories like this in the future, jon.
Mischief Maker – seriously? Liberals think all conservatives are would-be rapists and murderers? Isn't that just a wee bit insulting? Your post is just more typical liberal knee-jerk thinking – the conservative male must be dangerous and the woman must be the victim. Insulting to both parties.
Sarah, sadly the ones like you seem to be rare. I can count on both of my hands the avowed liberals I know who didn't immediately shut down or blow a gasket when they found out I lean conservative. Well, not counting the one school Communist Party Officer girl who was trying to get me to go out with her a few years back; which was just really bizzare. The non-screaming response is usually disbelief along the lines of "….but you're so well read and seemed so intelligent. How can you be conservative?"
Go buy a sense of humor. This is what I mean when I mention the "hall monitors".
As I said above to "yuck", go buy a sense of humor. And see you in 2010.
What if you'd been married to one for 8 years?
OMW…have you no sense of humor woman? Get your copy of The Feminine Mystique, take a Xanax and lie down for cryin' out loud. Watch out! There's a shadow behind you…it might bite!
You're a liberal…..a pre1968 liberal. Most of them however have left the reservation. It doesn't seem that you'd do well (opinion wise) in NY or LA. Wish there were more of you.
Of course not, Holly, conservatives are much worse. At least a rapist would allow their victim the tiny dignity of aborting the resulting fetus.
Anyhoo, you're missing my point. My point is nothing to do with Liberal or Conservative, I'm just saying the entire premise of this series is creepy and pathetic. He's setting up dates with women specifically to get into fights with them. But when he actually puts his plan into work, it turns out like you would expect, awkward silence and the date comes to a crashing halt. It's a failure as a political debate and it's a failure as a date.
Nothing political about it, that's just sad.
loved this! so funny!! keep it up and wish these were posted more often!!!
Jon I am reading though this and cracking up – by the time Sarah swoops down in a helicopter with an assault rifle I about lost it. Maybe the litmus test for a conservative should be "Do you think Sarah looked sexy when she was in Kuwait aiming that M16?"
I am thinking one question I'd have for women (and women should have for men) is how do you handle money? Doesn't matter if you have a lot or a little money …I believe is the chief reason for marital discord.
That being said when you told her that you were a Republican and to visualize her reaction I am thinking "This like like an Intervention" – where those who care for the subject confront her with her errant ways…
It's very difficult for me to even believe I'm responding to you but I'm doing it because you're clearly a lost soul. Read his previous date and then do your best not to write any further tonight or speak to anyone close by.
http://bighollywood.breitbart.com/jdavid/2009/02/...
A friend of mine sent me a link to this article without telling me anything about it.
If this is any indication of the writing and humor on this site, then I am hooked!
Absolutely irreverent. Definitely will be back for more.
Sarah – you are a liberal in the classic sense – true liberals I'd say are synonymous with libertarians – when the term "liberal" came to mean large stateist policies and socialism I don't know – with Roosevelt?
As far as the jacket on or off in the Oval office to most of us here keeping it on signifies a respect for the office – Reagan had it as did Bush – we on the right want to think that the person elected to this office is a bit "better" than the average man.
Sarah I believe that you are closer to the average conservative in thought than you believe…
I have a thing for southern women – those accents! Went to UVa – fell for one at Hollins – but she said she had to wash her hair when I asked her out
In retrospect seeing how she turned out – she wasn't right for me but still those southern women…
You really need to read the captions..on my pics now!! Great Blog!
Thanks, For what you do!!! No one else..had the Guts!
you are one brave conservative dude.
Thanks for taking these dates for the team, Jon. By the way, the only thing that makes liberals angrier than hearing you're a Republican, is that 1) you listen to Rush Limbaugh, and 2) you love Ann Coulter's books. Of course, it's fun to tell them that just to watch their heads explode.
Hey, yuck, here's a not so secret secret: ALL men, the straight ones, leer at a lady's butt and daydream about entering her womb on the first date. Conservative men may or may not admit it out loud; liberal metros lie, and deny it. Heck, you're a liberal feely, you must have seen "When Harry met Sally."
Bravo!
No, he is not setting up dates with women specifically to get into a fight with them. Yes, he is intentionally dating a liberal, someone with whom he likely has little in common, but it doesn't follow that a fight will automatically result when he tells them he's a conservative. That was very clear in his first post. In this instance, there would not have been a fight if Angelib had any manners and didn't automatically assume that everyone shared her liberal tendencies. This is a guy who lives in SoCal, where most of the dating pool is liberal. He is simply dating what's available, not concealing his conservativeness, and reporting the results.
Yes, and damn funny. The funniest stories have a basis of truth.
I think this is true. In fact, I think I have had a date with Angelib's leftist moonbat brother. I was not quite as nice as Jon David.
Jon: Question: when you revealed your politics to angelib: was that reward or punishment? And for whom?____Clearly, her punishment was your reward… for enduring her punishment. ____This was a hate-date. No hope of affinity. Just waiting for the other shoe to drop.____The thing is…the knee-jerk inability of liberals (esp. wymyn) to tolerate any differing view point has real consequences for those of us who for one reason or another can't move to Utah. ____Let's see some "heart". How 'bout a follow up date with the charming, ample-bosomed, vegetarian artist? What happens when your warm fuzzi feelings for Miss Left are put at risk by your duty to reveal a terrible secret… When the "political reveal" is an act of bravery that puts your heart at risk. Your reward would not be her punishment. Your reward would be her transcendence of her intolerance: which is what make the whole idea of cross-aisle dating so compelling. ____Of course you could become so enraptured with Miss Left that you throw your integrity aside and pretend to be a liberal. Hilarity would undoubtedly ensue. I am sure Rob Schneider is available.
Jon: Question: when you revealed your politics to angelib: was that reward or punishment? And for whom?____Clearly, her punishment was your reward… for enduring her punishment. ____This was a hate-date. No hope of affinity. Just waiting for the other shoe to drop.____The thing is…the knee-jerk inability of liberals (esp. wymyn) to tolerate any differing view point has real consequences for those of us who for one reason or another can't move to Utah. ____Let's see some "heart". How 'bout a follow up date with the charming, ample-bosomed, vegetarian artist? What happens when your warm fuzzi feelings for Miss Left are put at risk by your duty to reveal a terrible secret… When the "political reveal" is an act of bravery that puts your heart at risk. Your reward would not be her punishment. Your reward would be her transcendence of her intolerance: which is what make the whole idea of cross-aisle dating so compelling. ____Of course you could become so enraptured with Miss Left that you throw your integrity aside and pretend to be a liberal. Hilarity would undoubtedly ensue. I am sure Rob Schneider is available.
[...] Hollywood that is doing an ongoing project where he will try to date a liberal a week and then do a post about the date. He’s blogging under an assumed name and has set the following criteria for [...]
When you ensure that these girls are "liberal," do you also try to find out whether or not they know how to think for themselves without needing to spew party/spin talking points? Because it seems to me that a date with a bit of a dum dum will always end this way for one reason or another (if the other dater is not a said dum dum, or is a dum dum of another persuasion).
A BRILLIANT AND INTUITIVE PIECE, FILLED WITH HUMOUR [HARD TO FIND THESE DAYS] ANDWISDOM.
A HUMOUROUS PHILOSOPHER IS DIFFICULT TO FIND. YOU MAY BECOME A NATIONAL TREASURE.
That is the most original and funniest thing I have read in a few days!!
Thanks Jon!!
Truth be told.. before Obama was elected you could’ve played the game all the way into bed, but after the election not so much!! Well.. except for you couln’t really talk politics seriously other then to play the “I’m an independent Libertarian” game..
How do I know? Because I did it and had to cut it off after Nov. 5th..!!
*sighs and muses to self, “Those were the days”*
You're not a liberal.. you're a wibble..
You will wibble and wobble with the wind, like a Huckabee puppet.
My new favorite writer on Big Hollywood. So great!
Exactly
I have a brother named Michael James. What is it about that name?
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