Okay, 'Jon David' — Sorry to be late to the party…and I don't know how you came in under MY radar… (Composite stealth coating? Angular wing shape? Halibut oil cocktails?) …but I am JUST NOW reading this…and have now become a devoted FAN of your writing. This was absolutely hilarious. i am now going to disconnect my phone, refuse to answer my door, email, ACORN census takers, ANYTHING….and read all of your posts.

Kudo's, my friend.

– GG

"seven fingers of bourbon, punched the guy next to him for no apparent reason, and sauntered out the door." – wicked funny.

Keep 'em comin'.

"seven fingers of bourbon, punched the guy next to him for no apparent reason, and sauntered out the door." – wicked funny.

Keep 'em comin'.

SUCH HOSTILITY!!

BAD DAY IN THERAPY?

SUGGEST MASSIVE DOSES EX LAX

Nothing trumps an ample bosom. And any conservative libertine worth his National Review subscription has the perfect combination of good and bad memories to prove it.

Your premises are correct: artsy conservative gals are harder to find than pro-Palin NYT op-eds, and most liberal broads will poo-poo a Right-winger at first glance… BUT by design you are taking their first glance under false pretenses. Once that first glance metastasizes into a smile it will be easy for your lefty-lucy to believe that you “are one of the good ones” or that you will “come around”. After all, isn’t that exactly what that her ample bosom is whispering in your ear?

Liberal women are used to laying down for men that are more conservative (esp. on financial and military matters). All you have to do is avoid being too doctrinaire (or pro-life) and your politics will just become a cute character flaw. She won’t care if you ever “come around” because she knows deep down in her bleeding heart that you won’t “be around” long enough for it to matter.

But let us be honest about what you are looking for. You are not looking for Miss (excuse me) Ms. Right. You are looking for Ms. Right-over-there. And if we learned one absolute truth in college it is that when it comes to loose morals and recreational bosom nothing beat an democrat. These are the people who have made the link between sex and procreation a heretical notion. They are the ones that we have never had to wait all that long for.

If you were indeed looking for Miss Right-Wing you would have to (and/or want to) marry her, and I think we all know that once that idea is put on the table you, sir, would look a lot less like Bill Buckley and a lot more like Bill Clinton.

Don’t get me wrong, this is hilarious. I look forward to your miss-adventures (umm, ms. adventures), but until your eventual political revelation includes an absolute prohibition on birth-control and pre-marital sex your column will be an amusing footnote to “lay down and take it like a girl” culture that we all know, exploit, occationally enjoy and eventually regret.

Yours truly,

A (lonely) right-wing scribe in Gotham

Seriously though, great piece, can’t wait to see how everything goes. And you included face punching, another one of my favorite things (after amble bosoms and sliders)

@HUCBALD You are absolutely right. My first serious girlfriend was flamingly liberal, and its just been down hill since then. When you deal with a woman that is… psychotic, it kind of makes you unwilling to date at all, especially since it makes it easier to see those traits or similar traits in others. I have since developed healthy friendship with the crazy liberal I used to date, but I no longer date.