Daily Gut: Rules to Avoid Failure
by Greg GutfeldSo this week, in Texas, the State Board of Education will be making important decisions about your child’s curriculum.
I say “your child,” because I have no kids – unless you count my ferrets “Captain Sparkles” and “Dangerzone.”
They’re children to me, but alas they don’t read books.
Yet.
Anyway, this 15 member board will be deciding what’s in and what’s out, and then publishers will follow – since Texas, after all, is one of the largest textbook buyers in the world.
Now, I keep hearing rumors about scary changes being made to the books. But, I think, we’re missing the point. It’s not about what’s being replaced in textbooks, but what’s being excluded entirely, from the process.
I am refering to things kids really need to know, to prevent them from a life of failure.
Here’s a list.
1.If you keep food in your bedroom, you’re probably going to be a shut-in later in life.
2. Getting laid regularly in high school correlates with career failure later in life. Get what you want before you’ve earned it, and the rainbow ends in misery. See Leif Garrett.
3.Geeks inherit the earth, not jocks. See above.
4.Your opinion means little until you pay taxes or fight wars.
5.The views of people you think are really cool – like actors or pop stars – should never be trusted. They live a life independent of consequence.
6. Tattoos and piercings are just modern versions of conformity, and will get you nowhere in life except working the counter at Hot Topic
7. Achievement is more gratifying than fame. Being known for being good at something is better than just being known. Look at any O’Neal.
8. As much as you hate your parents, you’ll end up needing them more than they need you.
9. Unicorns rule, and griffins suck. Get that through your thick skull, and you may end up a raving success.
10. Make your bed.
And if you disagree with me, you’re probably a homophobic racist who wants to ban Christmas.
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89 Comments
More anti-griffin propaganda!!
"Beware the minefield you lay for your enemies for one day you may have to walk through it."
By paying taxes, can you include that little memo on your payroll that says you initially made X amount of money, but because the government needs a few more bucks for Social Security and Medicare, there's roughly $10 missing from your paycheck? Somehow I'd count those.
8. As much as you hate your parents, you’ll end up needing them more than they need you.
Until the Ponzi scheme called Social Security collapses, at least.
In America you have the Freedom to fail and get back on your feet and try again. I'd like to keep it that way without Sensitive Progressive help. No Thank You , No Thank You and Again… No Thank You!
Why does that unicorn have a fire ax? That's what I want to know.
Oh you griffins going down my friend, you going down!
I'd put more faith that their parents already knew that and are prepared.
I hear a lot of younger people talking about how solid social security is, but my dad's generation has savings and pensions in hand.
Hate speech against the mighty Griffins, if by Griffins, you meant the Mayberry RFD kind.
Number elven and I might argue the most important.
11. You do not know everything. Not only do you not know everything, you have no idea how little you know. And so does every other hairless monkey on this planet. So if any one tells you they do know everything, laugh, walk away, and don't look back.
Is a Rhino a sort of low rent, over weight version of a Unicorn?
Oh yeah, the generation between my parents and me, the boomers.
They were too busy either trying to save the world, or get rich. The ones that got rich will be fine for the most part, and they'll continue to try to save the world as a hobby. The other ones are S.O.L.
Excellent Greg, also kiddies when you get into your teens. __Don't confuse progress with progressive,__Liberal with Liberty or democrat with Democracy. __They are not the same.____ __
Don't forget Fluffy McNutter O'Neal.
I got books fer guud lernin in skool. I got Hope 'n Chainge to.
I heard that Al Gore eats Unicorns for breakfast. True fact.
Put that on a t-shirt and you're a millionaire, moretosay!
Gee, I hope your not talking about the lovely Kathy Griffin,
altho, I hear that is a position she is familiar with.
Shaquille O'Neal
No, wait…
Visit a college bookstore and take a look through any of the humanities textbooks. It's horrifying.
You imperialist unicorn you!!
Eugene O' Neill
No, wait again…
Unicorns may be better than griffins…but the winged horses rock!
They're looking at Texas because the state buys more textbooks than any other, so they basically set the standard for the nations other schools. I did not know that until I moved to Austin. Texas has the largest merit pay program for outstanding public school teachers and a Governor who said no to Federal Stimulus dollars that would, in effect, LOWER the state's standards. I don't think they're going to screw up the text books too much 'cus, y'know, you don't mess with Texas. ;-P
That might explain things. I hear they have a high fat and sodium content.
I like Rule #6, Starbelly Sneetches anyone?
Had the same reaction common – I like it!
Greg carries the show , Andy pulls his share and Bill……….eh, well Bill he uh……….what is he there for?
Colonel Jack O'Neill (two L's, there's another one with one L, but he's got no sense of humor).
Don't make the mistake of associating Republicans with a republic, either.
Comic relief. If Greg or Andy run out of ideas, they can just get into an argument with Bill and it's automatically funny.
The last time I heard about this "one state choosing the textbooks for the rest of us" it was California that was doing the choosing, not Texas. What gives? If anything. ____Texas does scare me less in this capacity than California.
"That's TWO L's!" *holding up three fingers*
Greg… you've got me really laughing.. thanks for that! Great list and post. Texas is surpassing California as the state that where what happens here spreads out throughout the rest… and with care and hope, maybe it will continue. There is plenty not completely correct with our great state ( see liberal bastions of progressivism ) .. urh, uh, cough cough, Austin, Dallas, cough, cough.. but we're trying to keep it between the white lines down here. , ie, for you Californians, not dope… highway white lines….
Good Idea, I would cut you in but Greg says since its his post and he
gets any cash resulting from it.
test
I wonder if the text book gurus will omit or modify that unfortunate Dallas incident that happened to Kennedy back in '63? No sense in putting anything in a child's text book that will make them feel uncomfortable. They could change it to something like, the President was accidentally startled in a downtown hunting accident while riding in his convertible through the city. The could just title that chapter The Big Scare in Big D or something like that.
Just had to say: "hairless monkey" – that's MY phrase, buddy! Pay up! LOL! Seriously, I use that saying a lot – basically that we're just a bunch of fancy hairless monkeys. It's just funny to see someone else use it.
As for the rest of your post – very very true and an excellent way to successfully go through life.
My favorite griffin was always Merv Griffin.
Thanks Jake, Greg will add it to his new line of tees.
The worst Griffin is Kathy Griffin.
Hey check out Keith Olberman's new tattoo. It's going to bring Greg's blood to a boil.
http://z.about.com/d/tattoo/1/0/w/n/1/090207o.jpg
Not that you're story isn't delightful and picturesque, but what does that have to do with the original post?
Speaking of Kathy Griffin and her desire to push Sarah Palin down the stairs – I'd like to see her try!
We can only hope. I'm sure many people are prepared, and treat Social Security as supplemental, but a lot of people also aren't.
That's too funny! You are right, the liberals love those places.
Tip O'Neil
Greg, #9 – Unicorns Rule – will make the people in New Braunfels, Texas very happy. The town's school mascot is….ta da……the Unicorn!
At games and pep rallies, a person dresses like Eunice, the Unicorn. At sporting events, people hold up their hands with basically a fist with their little fingers extended for the horn. At all football games, a large Unicorn on a trailer is placed right where the players run onto the field. Each player slaps the Unicorn on the hindquarters for luck!
Totally cool! I had never heard of the Unicorn as a team mascot until I found out about New Braunfels.
Penn, Griffin, Massa, Rahm, etc. etc. etc. all far left, all bullies with their mouths.
What is it about these guys, They never miss a chance to embarrass themselves and whom ever
hears em.
So, I'm looking at Ryan O' Neal…Tatum O' Neal…Patrick O' Neal…Squeal O' Neal…Real Deal O' Neal…Happy Meal O' Neal…
All hat and no cattle.
Would those be pegusii?
<<At all football games, a large majestic Unicorn on a trailer is placed right where the players run onto the field>>
Wait…they've got a LIVE one??!?
Humanities at most universities are horrifying. I'm glad I only had to endure a few.
11. Your parents were cool and hip before you came along and screwed everything up for them.
I think he eats only the unicorn scrotum. Myth has it this tasty delite gives the ingestor wisdom and poetic abilities as well as a perpetual woodie.
Greg is just a anti-Griffin bigot !!!!! Griffin's of the world unite, defeat the Nazi Unicorns. ;0)
Why do kids need textbooks at all? I thought they all had laptops. And teachers. Waste of money — end all textbooks.
Rumor has it that California is too broke to buy new textbooks, therefore Texas.
Since I fall at the end of the Boomer Generation, I never counted on Social Security being there for me when I retired. It's like getting to a restaurant just before it closes and expecting the special to still be available. It might be, but it's not jolly likely!
Doesn't mean I'm not pissed that I've paid all that money that I'll never see, but I reworked it in my mind that I've basically paid for the Social Security that my mom is collecting, in the same way my dad paid the Social Security that his mom collected.
Most adults need to be reminded of #5.
Send me your phone number and I'll fax you a pizza!
))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
2 of 2 has either been deleted by administrator or the administrator hasn't got to it yet.
I was trying to establish that there is a huge rumor out there that I don't know the truth of; however, if true it could very well impact what second graders see in their text books and what teachers are told is the proper ideology for children that age.
Here's 2 of 2 again:
Brian Sussman (local talk radio) reported that during the 08 campaign, B. Hussein O. Jr. made a deal with Los Angeles gay leaders to make sure that California second grade text books are steeped in gay ideologies. I don't care what Brown wants to do in his own bedroom or in a bath house, but if the rumors are true (and I am not absolutely sure that they are). I wonder what deals he might have in mind for propagandizing to children?
One more rule for those kids, Greg. Teach them that anyone who tries to tell them they can't drink diet sodas and eat fast food in America without being taxed heavily for it probably isn't a role model for them. Although they may appear to be a good public speaker and dress well.
"1.If you keep food in your bedroom, you’re probably going to be a shut-in later in life."
Could you define "later"?
This is an important issue. After having watched the blackout in the media on B. Hussein O. Jr.'s commie past and sympathies during the last presidential election, I have to worry about what Brown's moral structure is all about.
Whether or not he is gay or straight, is he closer to Red Eye and Log Cabin or the Castro in terms on what he wants to do with children's textbooks?
Merv did have a lovely bunch of coconuts.
i am sending this to my idiot daughter who lamented my carbon footprint.
immediately thereafter i cancelled her iphone account.
Kinda hard to push someone when they have a shotgun leveled in your direction…
I remember that from my high school days. I was so glad I graduated from MacArthur, where we had the Brahma Bull as our mascot. Now that is a Texas sized mascot.
I played AD&D so I got the joke!!!
How about a free t-shirt?
10. Make your bed
Hey Greg, when should we make it????
Conformity??? that word is just BAD……lol
Sssh! You aren't supposed to admit that publicly!!!
My guess is that if Palin was in the same room, our pal Griffin would be running for the exit.
What? Nothing about Saran wrap under toilet seats in the ladies room of the faculty lounge?
what about my 14th level magic user/fighter/thief!?
Useless to me unless he's an elf. Erm… You didn't hear that.
*takes her single class sorceress elf and runs away*
Go! Get 'em! [Marble Falls] Mustangs!!!!
Well, if that were at all possible, it would happen in Texas!
Sadly, the one they use is some sort of fiberglass type statue with the school's initials branded on its rump.
Yep, MacArthur had some good football teams and a great band!
However, you have to give credit to the school that came up with using a Unicorn – unique, and a good source of really original poster slogans.
My goodness, Marble Falls is a beautiful part of the Lone Star State!
Growing up in the Plains of West Texas, everyone I knew would have thought they'd died and gone to scenery Heaven if they had lived in Marble Falls.
1/2 elf!!! of course!
Not one of those unsightly half-humans! Ugh!! The taste of some elves is certainly suspect.
Well, with all the rains this fall and spring, the bluebonnets are plentiful!
So are the mosquitoes! Even with one of the coldest winters I remember in my area, I got bitten by one last night!
I know the Midland-Odessa area like the palm of my hand! Sounds like you are well-traveled. Why was the HS reunion so bad? My HS only has one every 5 years, and it is this summer. Can't make up my mind…
actually, Marble Falls was only a short period of family history. Most of my fam is in Midland, and now so am I!!
I haven't been back since an awful 10 year HS reunion.
Lived in Dallas, Austin, Waco, Temple, Gatesville, Lufkin, and a 2 year stint in Alexandria, VA, in between.
But Central Tx IS gorgeous – especially in Bluebonnet season!
maybe it all depends on how you like HS. my 10 yr felt just like HS – same cliques, same discomfort, same people partying harder than necessary. maybe 20 (soon! yikes!!) will be better? good luck with yours!!
I think I'll have to take a drive east sometime soon, just to see the bluebonnets. I heard that the rain in the Austin area had been tremendous since September – like 60"?
and that has the side effect of skeeters! no fun!!!! but it's early for them, isn't t??
well-traveled – sounds better than I was a "retail widow" for 10 years – moved about once a year.
til he moved on to a 20yo in Pelosi's office… so no more moving, staying home!!
Fine by me – I've never been much of a Family Guy guy.
I knew that.
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