Daily Gut: Return the Gifts
by Greg GutfeldChristmas always reminds me of the time I discovered there was no Santa Claus. I woke up around 1 a.m., and wandered from my bed into the living room where I found my dad in his pajamas laying out presents under the tree. He told me to go back to bed, and I did – but I was crushed to see the illusion destroyed. So much so, it still bugs me – and it happened ages ago. Well, more like a year, and it really wasn’t my dad – it was a drifter I picked up in a Port Authority restroom – but the story still stands as a metaphor for health care.

Like a make believe Santa, the Democrats came in at 1 a.m., sliding down the chimney with a bag full of crap. Like a phony Santa, the health care bill cannot arrive in broad daylight – or you’ll expose the illusion. The same thing can be said for that “non-binding legal agreement” Obama took with him from Copenhagen. He should have just brought us clogs.
And you know, both examples are a lot like the type of gifts you get from selfish relatives who really wanted the gifts themselves.
A. The health care bill is like a puppy. The purchaser buys it for himself, really as an ego boost to see how excited the kids gets. Then of course, the gift-giver is nowhere in sight when it’s time to paper train and feed the money-sucking furball. That’s health care – except health care reform will crap all over more than just the carpet.
B. The climate change agreement is a less destructive but utterly hopeless kind of present – it’s a gift card for a store you want nothing from. Think Sharper Image, except everything needs to be wound up before it falls apart. Just because Uncle Gore owns stock in it, he thinks you should be grateful. Believe me, that gift card is going nowhere except the drawer where you keep the stray UNO cards.
The upside with Christmas?
You can return everything.
If we could only do the same with this crud.
And if you disagree with me, you’re probably a homophobic, planet-hating racist.
Tonight:
Greg Proops!
Pat Monihan, from Train!
S.E. Cupp!
Ron Geraci!
and a special guest: a Red Eye non-fan will be on the show to critique. it will be a gas and a half.






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34 Comments
The modern Santa is a bullshit secularism. That's why my parents never played Santa.
Right on, Gut, right on.
If this things a like puppy it's a rabid, flea bitten monster that needs to be put down as quickly as as painfully as possible.
For the last time, Bill does not have fleas! (It's actually a parasitic colony named Sylvester Inc.)
Congresses gift to the American people,
and if by gift you mean a lump of coal
and if by coal you mean
a lump of $%&* !
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I never had the Santa thing. But… I didn't grow up in America either.
Even if I had I doubt my parents would have tried for that illusion. My parents were always up front about where gifts came from. And I will be the same with my kids… whenever I get around to having some.
my front door
How presumptious of you, you child of white priviledge to believe that it is your door. You got that door by murdering Indigenous people, enslaving dark-skinned africans, and by engaging in a hegemonious white imperialism that hides behind the ideals of your Christian Myths, which is the root of homophobia, repression, slavery, colonialism, eco-terrorism and poverty.
I wish you a happy Holiday Season Day. .
It's spelled like this; privilege. What the hell does hegemonious mean? None of my people, nor myself have ever enslaved or murdered anybody of any color. It's my front door when I paid for it, try it sometime. Nobody wants hear this tired, old, repeated again and again crap.
Recall. The gift sucks!
I can live with waking up and finding out there's no Santa Claus. It's waking up and finding there's no more My America. That's what I find crushing…….Merry Christmas.
Great bit of sarcasm; trying to take the Gut's job? May the Great One drop coins down your chimney.
Uh, flyover?
AlistZ was kidding.
AlistZ: And a happy Kwanzaa to you (it does still exist, doesn't it?). I am not only presumptious, I am equally presumptuous. LOL . And now seriously, I wish you and yours a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. I hope everybody got the joke.
Santa isn't real!!! I'm crushed. I asked him for a new car and house this year and he promised!! snif, snif.
I guess I might as well take down the tree and put away the milk and cookies.
You guys take all the fun out of Christmas and Obama has taken away all my hopes and dreams.
And on that note,
Merry Christmas to one and all and have a Blessed and Happy New Year, if we cann (Yes We Can!!)
Boy Disgusted to Find Senate Health Care Bill Next to Rat's Head In Holiday Sausage http://optoons.blogspot.com/2009/12/boy-disgusted...
Congress Tries to Stifle Santa's Coal Deliveries with Cap and Tax Regulations http://optoons.blogspot.com/2009/12/congress-trie...
2009 White House Christmas card http://optoons.blogspot.com/2009/12/2009-white-ho...
I never thought I'd end the year agreeing wholeheartedly with Republicans on this, but stranger things have happened, I guess. An utterly useless health care bill, and a totally meaningless climate change "agreement." And while my disagreements with these two issues stem from polar opposite criticisms than y'all might have, all I can say is that this is a stellar opportunity for you to take back the reigns in 2010. Time to stop playing the beat up kid at recess, come up with some ideas, and for god's sake, get better spokespeople than Beck and Palin…. there's gonna be a lot of centrist independents whose votes will be up for grab next fall.
Centrist independents? You mean like Obama supposedly was in November '08?
This garbage "centrist independent" label is how your people got in the door to begin with. Turns out they weren't people "just tired of the political bickering;" they were radical progressives with an agenda. "Centrists independents" nowadays really stink to high heaven because they're almost entirely a bunch of dissimulating liars. Look at their voting record, and 95% of them aren't "Washington outsiders" like Obama supposedly was. Personally, I'm a little tired of the populist message these hucksters throw out to get elected and then run like heII with it.
It would also be a good idea to think about an overall of that blind liberal personal hatred of yours of people like Palin and Beck whose political ideas have always been the ones that have made the U.S. exceptional. If you democrats are tired of hearing conservatives talk about American exceptionalism, just pass your 'progressive' policies everywhere and at every level of government. If you do, conservatives will never speak those two words again–except about the way things used to be here long, long ago.
Say homey, I enjoy my "white privilege," whatever that is. The only problem with white folks is that they have become weak, and rather than benefit from and enjoy their superiority, they are motivated by specious ideas to try to share the means of prospering and the wealth with others, who just don't have the faculties and facilities to develop the artifacts of a productive civilization themselves.
Whites are destroying themselves and withing a few decades because of adherence to incongruous democratic ideas, through demographic dynamics power will be transferred to non-whites. After that this country will continue to descend into the abyss as that population will be unable to learn the technical and scientific skills necessary to maintain the civilization, and political means will be utilized to try to maintain parity for the more numerous but less able underclass.
What we need is reality and a caste system to formalize and maintain the structure of a society which keeps the cream at the top. And a society which is more efficient and produces more for all.
You refer to "dar skinned Africans being enslaved. Those brought over here, having been sold by their fellow tribesmen or other tribesmen to the Islamic Arabs, who in turn sold them to the whites in America, certainly find themselves in a much more favorable and congenial environment than the poor souls who languish in African primitivism.
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Let's back up a second, champ. "My people" did NOT get elected, unless I've overlooked something and Ralph Nader is now president. I'm not a Democrat, did not vote for Obama, Kerry, Gore, OR Clinton. Now that we have that straight, let's get over this notion that this administration is some sort of pinko commie infiltration, trying to overthrow our Democracy. By historical standards, many of Nixon's policies were more liberal than Obama's. He's upping the ante in Afghanistan, abandoned any sort of attempt at meaningful health care reform (and wouldn't even invite single-payer advocates to the table, despite the fact that it's a majoritarian position among doctors and nurses), is opposed to gay marriage, is just as unapologetically in bed with corporate America as Bush was, and has been all talk/no action on his environmental plan. If you think that's "socialistic," then I think a quick look at the dictionary is in order.
And I think you misunderstand my position on Palin/Beck/et al. I don't hate them. Hating them would require me to respect them first. They are just more examples in a long line of POPULIST HUCKSTERS who use the joe the plumber route of "throw the b*stards out" politics, despite not knowing simple facts like which countries border Iraq, what's a continent and what's a country, or that the earth *might* be older than 6000 years old. Their political ideas have never made the U.S. exceptional… their ideas have made ignorant people full of knee-jerk hubris and hatred for "the other side" and gotten them to the polls to vote their misguided consciences. It's a brilliant stroke really.. getting a large segment of the population to vote against their own economic self-interest (like a large portion of the deep south). As a result, we have two-termers like Bush, masquerading around as a Republican, when he was anything but.
Ahhh… but I digress. The point is, unless you come up with some ideas and some presentable politicians quick, you're going to get wiped out in 2010. Trust me, I'm the first to state for the record that the Dems have fouled things up completely, but how badly they've done is ginger beer compared to how inept in irrelevant the Republicans are becoming. My only hope is that Nader follows through with his idea to run against Lieberman in 2012 and kicks his spineless tail back to Connecticut where he can live out the remainder of his days, hated by everyone.
Not only does it suck, it doesn't even contain what is listed on the side of the box.
I grew up in Southern California. Our house didn't have a fireplace, so my parents would set up a cardboard fireplace for Santa to come in through each Christmas. At about age five, I decided I wanted to see how Santa got in if there was a fire in the fireplace. End of fireplace (and almost of me). My parents were angry, but not angry enough to disabuse me of the idea of the jolly old elf. So they announced that henceforth, Santa would bring the gifts in through the front door because they had given him a key. I will not be giving Obama or any of his gang a key to my front door. He'll have to break in like any other thief in the night. Santa, however, may come in any time–there's milk and cookies awaiting him.
Merry Christmas! I will never forgive Congress for grinching my Christmas of 2009!
Very, very good job, AlistZ. You got somebody else to take you way too seriously.
Just wait until Botox Nancy's House libtards put taxpayer funded abortion and total government run health insurance policies (the "public option") back into the bill….and the stups in the Senate only need 50 votes (not 60 votes) to pass it. When will this mindless nation ever learn that there is absolutely no such thing as a "moderate" democrat?
Merry friggin Christmas.
"Hating them would require me to respect them first."
Methinks you have never had any experience with ignorance or reactionary emotional based hate…
The Gut is Good. That is all.
..ohhh tell Bill to lay off the climate change juice, or stand up and make his case for real.
Santa is based upon several different legends, among them St. Nicholas, who's a Catholic saint, his feast day is on December 6.
According to legend, St. Nick was born to wealthy parents, but decided to forsake most of that (not quite all), and wander the country evangelizing in the name of Christianity. He would count on the kindness of strangers for his food and bed.
One home stopped at was in deep trouble financially. They had concluded they could not afford to house and feed both of their daughters, and so would have to sell one into slavery in order to keep the other, and they were terribly distraught.
The next morning St. Nick got up earlier, and left gold (that's what I meant about not all money) in the girl's shoes, enough so the family could stay together.
Hence on St. Nick's day, leaving presents in kids shoes, and part of his legend helped evolve the modern idea of Santa Claus, also referred to as St. Nick.
I'm loving the logo..
is that hope for hos
or
hoping for hos??
We had one of those cardboard fireplaces too!
You don't need a list; the smell will tell you that what's inside isn't good – at all!
I remember when I learned there was no Santa Claus. The year before my parents hid my presents in my bedroom and…
Srsly. And I bet that door was made of WOOD! It's a mutilated tree corpse zomgwtfspaz!!111
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