Daily Gut: Winning the Lottery
by Greg Gutfeld
So that former South Carolina state worker who won nearly 260 million bucks says he doesn’t think the money will change him. That’s right, retiree Solomon Jackson also vows to do good with the money, perhaps supporting education programs and other nice stuff like that.
I salute Jackson – he seems like a nice guy and I wish him the best.
But in my opinion, it’s all poop.
See, for once I would like someone to really speak their mind after winning a quarter of a billion dollars.
Enough with “I’m still the same person.”
Instead, just admit that, “Hell yes- this is going to change me! In fact, I’ve already changed. I’m a rich bastard! So for the next six months – I’m going to be knee deep in coke and concubines. And if it’s possible to purchase an elephant – and then graft wings onto its back – you can bet I’m doing it. And here’s a notice to all my relatives I haven’t heard from in ages: if you even try to call me, I’m going to hire Chuck Liddell to break all your limbs, while having him wear a French maid’s outfit (yes, I can afford it).
Look, the lotto is not a marvelous mosaic of happy endings like Jackson’s. Far from it. Instead, the lottery consists mainly of people in desperate situations being nudged into a deeper well of debt. I see it everyday at the bodega near my place – folks shoveling their mounds of change and crumpled dollars – all for that big win that will change their lives forever. At least I know if they ever win, it won’t all go to supporting education programs – unless the education involves a case of Bud, a few hookers and a weeks supply of crystal meth.
Which actually sounds like a program I can totally get behind.
Andrea Tantaros!
Remi Spencer!
Allen Covert!
Dr. Michael Baden!
Other stuff!
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114 Comments
I would likely bust out with somethng along the lines of: "Finally, Big Ern is above the law!"
I can think of a lot of things I might be after coming into that kind of money, but "the same" isn't one of them. Watch out world, here comes the rich guy! And the first thing I would do is hire the best tax attorney in town.
I'd pay to have Perez Hilton kidnapped and shipped off to Fred Phelp's bible camp.
I want to be that guy who uses his leaf-blower to clean the dollar bills out of his garage.
If I won the lottery I'll go back to work alright but I will have a drastically different attitude on interpersonal relationships. That is as polite as I can put it.
Here's your panda steak, Mr. Gore!
I love the "If I Won The Lottery Game." I would dedicate my life to obscure pursuits, two of which Gut touched on: 1) build and elephant reserve even more awesome than the one in Tennessee; 2) [redacted]. From there, I've always thought the life of producing D-level ultra-violent sexploitations films would be worth living, to say nothing of gobbling up first-edition-first-printings of every book I've ever loved. Being a sentimentalist, I would finally be able to put into action Danneskjold Repossessions. Summers in Rangoon, luge lessons … the simple things … and, obviously, learning the route of every motorcade Pres. Obama is ever involved in and plastering every billboard along the way with ObamaJoker.
Oh, I forgot – spending most of my fortune getting Sarah Palin or Liz Cheney elected POTUS. Of course.
Have you seen the price of a seat in the Senate? It's easier just to buy the Senator. But I love the concept.
If I won the lottery I would dedicate my life to terrorizing hippies and leftists.
"See, for once I would like someone to really speak their mind after winning a quarter of a billion dollars."
Honestly, I don't know what I'd do with it. Would it "change me"? Hell, yeah!
But if you give me the quarter of a billion dollars, I promise to really speak my mind about it.
And, just to be fair, have Fred Phelps kidnapped and shipped off to Perez Hilton's… camp.
I would also pay an army of attorneys to hide my Ruussian birth certificate, trancripts and all documents of relevance then I'll run for president. Hell, It worked for obama.
$259 mil..my stable of classic cars would put Jay Leno's to shame….then hire my own personal live in 24/7 doctor…Healthcare schmelthcare, Obamacare wouldn't affect me.
But if I were Solomon Jackson, the first thing I would do is get rid of that 1991 Big Daddy Kane 'fro.
Outstanding! Fantastic 'do on our newest ridiculously mega-millionaire.
"a program I can totally get behind."
Greg, don't you mean a "behind you can get behind?"
Why did they interrupt Red Eye for that…isn't that what the ticker at the bottom of the screen is for? I'd even watch Red Eye hosted by Bill Schulz and Pinch over Killer Kennedy coverage…but only if the set was made of blood, and shame, and more blood.
I think I'd lie a lot to everyone (except the IRS) about how much money I had…. Sure, I won a million bucks, but I'm getting it in installments, you know, and the feds take half of that… and I invest the rest, so… all gone. So sorry.
One of the earlier California lottery winners, before it was crazy, went to my church… I had no idea. When it came up she said she basically gets a new car to drive every year and pays her mortgage, and that's about it. She didn't seem wealthier than anyone else.
But sort of seriously, having a lot of money would make it easy to live modestly… because you'd know you didn't have to.
I'd definitely hire a maid, though, and I'd travel. A lot. And live it up where my family and neighbors wouldn't see me.
So you'd be the Anti-Soros
That has a nice ring to it; I like it.
That has a nice ring to it; I like it.
Exactly. Picture this as the scroll"
Senator Edward M. Kennedy has died. Senator Edward M. Kennedy is still dead. Senator Edward M. Kennedy drove off a bridge in 1969 leaving his passenger to drown in shallow water. Senator Edward M. Kennedy is still dead. Senator Edward M. Kennedy has died. Senator Edward M. Kennedy is still dead. Senator Edward M. Kennedy drove off a bridge in 1969 leaving his passenger to drown in shallow water. Senator Edward M. Kennedy is still dead. Etc.
Probability and statistics should be a mandatory course in high school. No one should be allowed to graduate until they've understood, if not intellectually at least in their gut, what "one in a million" odds really mean.
I was waiting for somebody to get it!
Best movie ever made about professional bowling. (Of course, "The Big Lebowski" was the best movie ever made about amateur bowling).
Shit, I still haven't paid my state taxes. Of course I'm in Oregon with assisted suicide and the Oregon Health Plan so I'm in no big hurry. I wonder if I can designate my tax payment to the assisted suicide of giant douche leftists…
True story, Greg. These people who seem ruined by the money were ruined to begin with. There's likely little danger that they'll blow it all on books.
Aren't you already doing that?
Steve,
No, no, no, no…"Senator Edward M. Kennedy's CAR drove off a bridge…" I've already heard it described that way on the news today.
A million in winnings is enough to replace (due to progressive tax rates) a working income of about $35000 a year for 20 years. The best thing to do, of course, is to work your regular lifespan and use your winnings to upgrade your house and kick some serious ass on vacation.
I've also heard it described, on RIGHT WING FOX NEWS, as a "national tragedy." Is it me or is a liberal dying of natural causes more of a sad moment for his family and followers than a "national tragedy."
I guess I have more angst than I realized about Kennedy. I grew up in a house where my father voted for Kennedy, Frank, and Kerry even though he now wishes he could have a redo.
I'd buy a 68 foot Nordhavn Yacht and get the hail away from every other soul but two. Husband. Dog.
There will be drinking involved.
I'd dole a pile out to family members that have not totally pissed me off and anything I did not need to run my petrol pig and keep the trio in sick happiness goes to charities that don't call.
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Right now it's a hobby. I'f I win a quarter of a billion dollars it will become a career.
This is priceless!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Yif-KLl0OA
Agreed on the movies but I can't thank of another pro or amateur bowling movie. Love them both.
One of my customers won $4 million and essentially lives as you described. He was a cheap bastard before and now he's a cheap bastard with a nicer car.
"And here’s a notice to all my relatives I haven’t heard from in ages: if you even try to call me, I’m going to hire Chuck Liddell to break all your limbs, while having him wear a French maid’s outfit (yes, I can afford it)."
One of the better examples of vivid imagery I've seen. Kudos to you for another great Greg-a-logue.
BTW, Remi is nice to look at, but I'm dying for her to finally say something witty or insightful. It has to happen eventually, right?
"then hire my own personal live in 24/7 doctor"
That worked out well for Michael Jackson. I'd use the money to buy the villa next to George Clooney in Italy and fill my windows with right wing propaganda.
Can't you just by a lawyer these days?
Can't you just buy a lawyer these days?
A WWII German Panzer tank…and a full crew to man it. (Wearing Hawaiian shirts of course.)
An F-18 Hornet…no, two…three maybe!
Plenty of ammo.
A GPS
A $5.00 road map to congress.
——————————————–
A multitude of passports under assumed names.
Buy my own State, (maybe Texas or Colorado), and make myself “ruler over all for life”.
Hire a Hollywood movie crew and create a two hour documentary of my successes, then arrange a private viewing for my ex-wife. (No popcorn served.)
Well, if you’re going to dream…dream in color right.
Not Over.
Panda steak, I always wanted to try that. Heard they taste like a cross between a spotted owl and a snail darter.
Can I work for you?
I would buy a houseboat even bigger than Gor-Al's and moor it right next to his. With an all-weather jumbotron display on top reading, "Hey Al! This boat to date has pumped NNN tons of CO2 into the atmosphere! Screw you!"
DaDDy, if you bought 3 F-18s you wouldn't have enough left for my barf bag.
when i heard the quote of him saying it wasn't going to change him, I LOL'd, and then wished him *luck* with that. it changes me just thinking about it.
I would hook up with my new 23 year old girlfriend. Alas, she would probably immediately start plotting with the pool boy on how to kill me to get my money.
Well…I said maybe three.
But still, NO popcorn for the ex.
Not Over.
WHAT WILL I DO WHEN I WIN THE LOTTERY?
Here is my plan when I win the lottery. I will take the money in lump sum. I will convert it to cash. I will first buy a mountain and build a fortress at the peak, then I will bury the money all over the top of the mountain. Don't bother me. I don't need any investment advice or deals. I won't need any more money. I don't need the president and congress looking at me like a piggy bank to finance their hare-brained schemes. If anyone comes up there after me looking for my money, I will roll rocks down on them.
I hate it when they do that.
Not Over.
And when you run out of rocks…then what?
Not Over.
Are you proficient with medieval weapons and the fine art of kicking hippies in the gonads? If yes, you're on board.
I would pay to fix the Big Hollywood database that swallows all the comments. : )
Odds of winning were 1 in 195 million
Why won't state lotteries lower the odds and instead of 1 winner, have multiple winners each week? I am not that greedy. I would take a million. Can still buy many lap dances with that money.
i would promise revenge on anyone, anywhere who had ever screwed me over
that might limit the number of calls from "old friends"
Vegas, champagne, showgirls then a little time @ Betty Ford to dryout
Perhaps Mr. Jackson realizes that after taxes, he'll be left with so little money his life won't change at all.
I'm sure they're portraying it as an evil SUV. Revisionism in history – hate it!
I beg you to run your generator 24/7.
I'm sure they're portraying the car as an evil SUV. Revisionism in history – hate it!
You are going to even deny her popcorn?? You ARE a cold hearted dude.
Her? Steve? Really?
I would be unrecognizable : )
I bet you could get California really cheap. However, not sure if you'd want it. I'd check ebay first to see if it's been listed.
The winner, if he took the cash option won't even be getting the full jackpot despite what the big check says. In Powerball if you take the cash option you only get the money that would have been invested to pay off the annuity,( if you'd chosen the annuity). So minus the taxes this guy will get maybe 90 million, which is nothing to sneeze at but it ain't 260 million.
Heh. I would surmise that the odds of the spouse of a lottery winner staying around rapidly approach zero in an amazingly short period of time.
Steve,
Serve pretzels… no liquid. I mean if you are going to do it…
My husband stays on my good side. And avoids pretzels when I am pissed.
— On Wed, 8/26/09, IntenseDebate Notifications <notifications@intensedebatemail.com> wrote:
Money is an amplifier. If you're an idiot and immoral without money, money will only amplify what a moron you are. (Variant of what I heard Dr. Laura say)
. . . more like chicken, I heard.
Only ordinary lawyers like Andrew Price and me. Tax lawyers are invaluable. LOL
Hmmm … dying of natural causes at an old age … that doesn't equal tragic in my book.
Wanda, I like your style.
I hear what you're saying. When I do buy a Lottery ticket, it's only $1 and I call it my idiot tax. I have no delusions that its any kind of investment.
Get on the Internet and have a bunch more flown up via helicopter.
Wife comes home and sees husband packing his suitcase. "Honey, what are you doing?"
"I just won the lottery!"
"Wow! Where are we going?"
"I don't know where you're going. I just won the lottery!"
I would buy myself a gas guzzling private jet and a couple houses much larger than what I could ever possibly use then fly around the world lecturing people on the virtues of protecting the environment through conservation. Perhaps I would just buy a seat in congress and save myself the trouble.
By the way, what do they do with the taped episodes of Red Eye that get bumped in favor of monotonous coverage of famous dead people? Will the same be done for Dominick Dunne, who was certainly more enjoyable and killed fewer people, as was done for Kennedy?
And maybe buy a new copy of the word "hours" for the comment headers.
Greg, I believe the term you are looking for is "hookers and blow."
You wouldn't need a pool boy if she were pool girl. ;P
I wonder if panda is read meat. AlGore love red meat, num num num…Off to find Man Bear Pig
Wouldn't change much. If one is already worrying about your significant other bumping you off for your cash, one might want to seek a more trustworthy SO.
After beating those odds, what are the guy's odd of developing, say, pancreatic cancer?
Compared to 195 million to one, that would be effectively about even. Were I him, I'd be very nervous.
What idiot would take the annuity?
If by some quirk of fate, I actually would win the lottery, I'd pay Chuck Norris an obscene amount of money to beat you up Greg. Seriously. I mean it. Okay, I'm kidding.
The lottery = another evil the government foisted on the public in the guise of the 'common good' – how much better is our education today? We just dropped again – and our reading levels are at their lowest since the 90's (when the lottery started to take effect). Way to go America! Buy a lottery ticket, make your education system even more inefficient while destroying your personal soul! By the way, lottery tickets are purchased largely, overwhelmingly, by the poor (not even Middle Class), which just goes to show you that greed corrupts no matter how much money you have.
First thing I'd do is send mom and dad someplace nice for a couple of months. Then it's "Extreme Makeover: Mom and Dad's House" and some new vehicles in the driveway, and whatever else they want or need. Afterall, none of this would be possible without them. After that, I'd start a business or two to keep and do a bit of inevsting. Then buy an old car or two, or ten, and build my own personal racetrack to enjoy them on.
Damn…you're right about the doctor thing…I'll just have to reply on my "green guy" to take care of all my ailments.
Start a busines and invest, under this administration…man, you're brave captain!
This is a fictional world where I win the lottery and it is a much brighter place. In the real world, I'd just turn it all over to Big O and forget it ever happened, since he's going to take it anyway.
18 year old, bi-sexual, triplet Philipina house girls.
Also, I'd hire Tiger Woods' sister-in-law as my personal Swedish masseuse. Just so I could call him and say, "You up for a foursome?"
I'd probably just waste the rest.
I think I would buy a convienience store, work the swing shift and enjoy my time telling rude customers what I really think.
indeed it does.. you should have that printed on your business cards.
Actually I am one of the local experts in my region on such things so if there's an opening I'll be in line.
when you win, can you promise to use that cool Russian accent whenever speaking on TV? I love that accent.
I know it would change things slightly.. but to be honest, I'm not sure how much. Plain and simple, I'm a workaholic.. so if I didn't stick with my job, I'd drive myself and my wife nuts…
Yes, there'd be vacations and toys .. but other than that .. I'd have no clue.
now that's thinking outside the box.
ah.. the Donkey Kong approach, except with rocks instead of barrels. I like it.
Well, my best friend and I are old fogies. Me, I'm flat broke. Him, I don't know how much he's worth but I bet it's somewhere north of a million. We buy a lottery ticket together every so often and of course talk about what we'd do if we ever won. We talk about who we'd give it to. I wasn't always broke. I've lived the good life. Fancy cars, fancy houses – the whole nine yards. What we talk about is how to make people happy – it's all that's important in life kiddies.
I would give all the money to the govt. They need it more than I. Obama needs it. I want to help Obama, give to him and the IRS.
I would build a castle full of secret passages and a labyrinth garden outside with a "guest house" that would house my Star Wars collection.
In the Cayman Islands, of course. After I've changed my name and cut off all contact from anybody I know.
Oh yes, it will change me. I'll be rich. The first thing I would do would be spend money. I won't need a house cause I'll be traveling around buying anything that my little heart desires until the end of my days. I'll have to save a few bucks to pay off the government if they decide to end my life, but other then that……………………………
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