Daily Gut: A New Alert System!
by Greg GutfeldSo apparently the Obama administration will be announcing a review of our terror alert system put in place by George W. Bush after 9/11. You know the thing: it’s made up of five delightful colors designating increasing levels of risk: green, blue, yellow, orange and red. But many people–not just Democrats–think it’s time for a reevaluation. And I couldn’t agree more!
New Age guru Deepak Chopra
But if we get a new system, I think it should incorporate Obama’s own philosophy on terror, which he espoused in the debates prior to the election. He had stated that we should bear in mind the root causes behind terrorist behavior. And, with this sensitivity in mind, I believe the system of colors–which reeks of racism, anyway–should be replaced by levels of indignation.
Instead of “green” for example, let’s have a “hate” level. Generally this is how our enemies feel about us all the time. And rightfully so. So when you’re at JFK, at least you’ll know someone out there cares. It’s nothing to be really worried about, but it’s probably something you should examine when you get home. Ask yourself:
How can you alleviate their hatred toward you?
What have you done to cause it?
It’s really up to you, and your own innate prejudices.
The next level is “fury.” This means that you’ve really pissed some people off. Once the alert system hits this level, I would consider a mass apology written by all airline passengers to the appropriate offended group. Ideally, this should be done before take off. A small gift, along with a note, might not be out of the question.
The next alert level? “Rage.” This is a very serious stage–one that could have been avoided if only you had apologized sooner, and perhaps disavowed your stupid country and/or silly religious status. Immediate grounding of flights (to be replaced by some sort of large scale encounter group) might be an option. Deepak Chopra should be called in immediately to handle all negotiations. Of course, this would involve enrolling in one of his rejuvenation therapy weekends, which costs four grand per person. But it’s worth it, just to see him in the caftan.
Finally, if an actual human-caused disaster takes place, simply remember that it’s your fault. If you are lucky enough to survive, I would suggest picking up Chopra’s “the Magic of Healing” CD. It’s only 24.95. Here Dr. Chopra gives “contemporary expression to the ancient principles of healing sounds.” That’ll help with the burns.
Tonight, we’ve got Greg Proops on set, Faith Salie, Ron Geraci, and our special segment on Red Eye’s softball team playing a team of strippers.
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77 Comments
I'll pick up the Chopra CD. Does it also help with bullet wounds and the pain of being beheaded?
Yes, because after listening to the CD all brain functions cease and you flatline, thus supporting terrorist efforts while manufacturing pain avoidance.
Oh man I was laughing so hard while reading this article.
…not!
I could easily see Obama's personal threat levels as:
I don't care about what you did.
I saw what you did and am not commenting.
I, along with the rest of the world, are annoyed by your actions. However you can go about your business.
We will need to discuss your actions over coffee or dinner. Are you free sometime soon?
Ok, you got some Americans killed, I'm sure we deserved it. I'm going to need an excuse for you doing it, so I can explain it to right wing extremists.
Can we call it the Chopra scale?
Perhaps Obama should replace the "Threat Color Scale" with the tried and true Kubler-Ross Scale.
Denial: Islamic Terrorists are a fictional threat made up by Dick Cheney.
Anger: We empathize with your anger at our very existence.
Bargaining: We'll invite you blow up Dallas if you leave San Francisco alone.
Depression: Nearly half the country stubbornly refuses to acknowledge Obama's awesomeness.
Acceptance: We deserve to die so please come kill us.
I think it'll work for the Liberal Progressives.
Aw man, I thought Custer already died for our sins.
All greens:
Lincolns:throw them a few bucks
Jacksons:double down
Benjamins:Kick in a pantload
Sure he is. When an American anywhere earns a taxable dollar, the red phone on his desk rings and he sends in Team Geithner to extract it.
"not"?! Don't say that, don't even joke about that. It took years to kill that . . . even longer than it took to kill "irregardless."
LOL! Thanks for clarifying Geithner's role.
Glad to help. You should see what he's got Hillary doing. She's delivering pizzas to dictators.
I used to be a rampant "irregardless" offender, but I'm reformed now.
REGARDLESS of that… "not" is back with me thanks to Borat. That scene with him and Bob Barr? Oh man that just kills me. Talk about comic timing. pure genius.
You know Greg, this post could be considered "rage" by those that are determined to separate your head from your body. I think we should write to Barry Soetoro and have a "Hug Czar" appointed immediately to deal with your "feelings". I wonder if these junkets to Chopra's la-la-land for "rage" re-alignment is going to be covered under my new ObamaCare health policy? Of course, I'll have to wait in line until an opening comes up for a "white devil" to attend since I'm definitely not a "wise latina" woman. I guess I'm FUBAR.
I'm glad you're reformed.
I don't remember the Bob Barr bit. I didn't like Borat. I had the feeling that most of it was staged. I also felt that most of it was cheap shots, that he was just exploiting people's good manners and trying to paint their silence or confusion as a "gottcha moment" as if they secretly agreed with him.
"Apology" should be a level all by itself. Sorry for whatever it was we did to make them angry, sorry that we made them go through all that trouble of blowing something up or killing somebody to remind us of whatever it was we did wrong, and sorry for just being us to begin with. And, hey! we already have someone good at making apologies.
I think the scale should be based on ICBM
5
4
3
2
1?
I think the scale should be based on ICBM's
5
4
3
2
1?
Andrew,
That is not what she is delivering……………………
Ha! Brilliant, Mr_Steve. How about, "I'm gonna be thinking about the possibility of someday considering some form of sanctions."
I think Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton, and company use a similar scale.
Maybe we could use people as levels:
"AAC" (average American conservative) ~ minimal threat
"Cheney"~ major threat
"Limbaugh" ~ Oh. My. God.
"Bush" ~ Nuclear Attack!
"Palin" ~ APOCALYPSE NOW!
Just to prove a point: how did you feel about Bruno?
Let me guess – unlike Borat, which made fun of those stupid redneck idiot normal Americans, Bruno was 'mean' and 'engaged in unfair stereotype' … right?
I would humbly like to make my own version of your list.
Denial: There are no terrorists.
Indifference: There are terrorists, but we should just ignore them.
Acceptance: Ok, we can't ignore them because all the Red states are upset.
Bargaining: Ask the terrorists what they want us to do.
Surrender: Do whatever the terrorists ask.
I sure hope Palin becomes their Apocalypse. She's already the Pale Rider as far as the Libs are concerned- I say have her bring it on and fulfill their fears.
haven't seen it yet, but I expect I'll enjoy it. I mean, on the whole, Cohen seems to practice "equal opportunity offensiveness". I think that's what saves him.
And let me be clear: by "enjoy it" what I really mean is that sometimes it will be painfully uncomfortable with embarrasment and sympathy for his victims, and sometimes I'll be dying with laughter… if its anything like Borat the best laughs will be directed at his character.
Some friends of mine couldn't sit through Borat for that reason. Its tough to watch.
I'd switch Bush and Cheney in your ordering. Then you will actually have the system us libs already go by.
One of your best Greg…
And when things are really, really bad: "I am deeply disturbed by your actions"
I thought she was delivering Staples office supplies. Isn't that what that red "reset" button she had was for?
Sorry Barack, a handshake and some smiles don't make terrorist threats go poof.
The new Democrat terror levels (from low to high):
Apathetic
Terrorists are incompetent, only some lives will be lost.
Can't we just be friends?
Get off my lawn, you silly Ahmadinejad!
Whatever just happened, we deserved it.
I think there should be only 1 color alert – RED HOT!!!!
How about a nice target for the handgun of choice? If you can put a nice 5 shot group on a cd, your'e doing a great job! Just remember to duct tape(ala Red Green) the cd to plywood or it will shatter on the 1st shot! At least the caliber I shoot with.
Why weren't you laughing? The rest of us were.
Excellent!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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RIGHT ON !!! Mr_Steve FOR Sarcasm Award #1 tonight!
BHO's IQ with TOTUS= 115, without =15
Custard Pie…..mmmm
This Deepak dude takes himself way too seriously. If I didn't know better I could almost believe he believes his own New Age drivel. Did he start his own party, the Deepakocrats or something?
Unfortunately(?) all those bills end up in their own pockets!
No, you're RIGHT ON! Only thing is , it would be hard to hug a headless, lifeless body.
How about starting at 10 or even 20 ?
SP riding a pale white horse, both in full body armor, YES! Thank you for the mental image, I DEFINITELY will have awesomely good dreams tonight!!
Yes, Cheney would have made a better POTUS!!
You’re very good at “thinking” liberal Greg, your solution is absurd therefore we should do it.
."Of course, this would involve enrolling in one of his rejuvenation therapy weekends, which costs four grand per person. But it’s worth it, just to see him in the caftan."
Greg greg greggy baby
Will the new Obamacare One Size Fits All Health Care Plan cover it.
That was the reason for all the bowing silly!
Obama gots all the rigfht moves!
Only if you have meditated enough to reach the next level on the path of enlightenment to show that you understand what it truly means.
Very good, Bravo Whiskey.
Since President Obama's teleprompter is broken, I doubt he could adequately string the words together to explain a new alert system. Is he aware that one exists?
Just a small suggestion/correction:
There are no manmade-disaster-enacters.
LOL – excellent!
Agree.
No, he died for our pies.
"manmade-disaster-enacters"
Ah yes. Another wonderful euphemism from the Left.
It's good we're switching from colors. Otherwise, I'm afraid our current administration would mandate that the next color be White.
Viva La France! (for all you non-French-speaking commoners, that translates to "I'm French, and I'm a surrender monkey".
I was a victim of "irregardless" myself yrs ago. I picked it up from a guy I worked with, and I was only able to break the habit when my husband started getting a pained look on his face and made this sighing sound when I did it. I am notorious about picking up other people's bad sentence structure and word usages.I think at one time I could use English properly. Or, at least they believed it enough during my college yrs to pass me thru. Hee.
Does she slide the 2 liter up inside her arm sling to help her carry it?
Oooohhh! Our pies!!!11!! Those are the most important thing of our day.
I'm from Fort Worth – you never want to offer to blow up Dallas, because everyone in Fort Worth will only be too anxious to help!
San Francisco can wait, but can we throw Austin the deal as well?
and when the body count of innocent Americans tops 3000, "I am starting on another worlf wide apology tour."
in other words, after the check you sent in for the cd's and retreats clears.
Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton and company ARE the pantload.
Or how about an "I-Am-So-Sorry-Is-It-Something-We-Said? Date Night in NYC"?
They're a load of something alright.
Ahh. yes that is much more romantic
I'll go with Austin, but I like DFW – as a whole! (please don't hate me LFarr from the metroplex!)
You have to work in some sort of apology
And on his deathbed, he will receive toal enlightement.
And on his deathbed, he will receive total enlightement.
Yes Darkwolf
plus 1 for you on your path of enlightenment.
He who ensure the check that clears shall be unburdened by the weight of material things.
such rewarding work it must be, unburdening others of such weight.
cool.. along with Carl the assistant greenskeeper, I have that going for me.
There is a website that sets up a swiss bank account to which you may wire money. They promise to get the money to you in your next life. No Joke! It is the Reincarnation Bank.
http://shermansmarch.blogspot.com/2009/05/by-indi...
ah, I better get over there and demand they give me access to the accounts I had opened back in 1810.
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