Daily Gut: The Human Trading System
by Greg GutfeldSo yet another illegal alien has been found stowed away in the cargo area of a plane. He endured a hellish trip to get here, and will be returned to his heinous craphole of a country after being treated for dehydration.
Yeah, I know what he did was “illegal” and all that – but whenever I read about a dude pulling off something like this, I keep thinking an exception needs to be made. Whenever the amount of risk taken to come here far exceeds anything most Yankee chuckleheads would do to stay, then that risk taker deserves citizenship. I mean this guy risked his life so he could work as a cashier at Arby`s. Would Jon Cusack do the same?
Fact is, our country is crammed full with children who think they`re adults, and adults pretending to be children – all handed endless opportunities simply because they were born here. Millions of these Americans squander, mock and abuse the country that other folks would die to get into – and for this reason it`s time to enact a solution I’ve mentioned previously: a human trading system. Mind you: this is not human trafficking. It`s human trading. It`s different. There is no cash or sex involved (yet).
For example, I would gladly give up the entire Hulk Hogan brood, for this Ethiopian dude from the cargo hold. Or better, for every immigrant found in the wheel well of a jet, we forfeit an entire cast of the Real World or Charm School – sending them to whatever country that brave soul escaped from. Then we`d finally populate this great country with people who truly understand why it`s great, while getting rid of anyone who thinks Green Day lyrics mean something.
Of course, this kind of human trading is probably illegal – which is why we`d have to do it at night. I have a panel van and some GHB left over from the weekend.
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109 Comments
Sorry Greg, the rule of law is the rule of law.
If the criminal has a good story, he is still a criminal, unless he knows Bill Clinton, Then he gets a full pardon.
This is a case where empathy may have some application. This person is guilty of a crime, should be found guilty, & sentenced. The judge however could look at extenuating circumstances and decide to show leniency in sentencing and actually help the poor dude. But Brucelee is right…the law is the law.
Though Brucelee is right…. I could still deal with what you are proposing…
Stories like that are so sad, because this was a man who truly wanted to be in the United States and risked his life to do so. Unfortunately, the left knows these stories and manages to make it the whole story. If we had good solid control of our borders, a carefully-crafted immigration law which is enforced, and ten or fifteen million fewer illegal immigrants than we already have in the country, we might be able to make exceptions on a case-by-case basis. Had he been allowed to stay, he would likely have studied hard to become an American, learned our history, practiced his English constantly, and become a hard-working useful member of society. Unfortunately, a very large group of illegal immigrants has made that a near-impossibility for this man.
I knew I disagreed with the premise of the post, but you said it better than I would have.
*And I do recognize that Gutfield's post isn't entirely serious.
So you're suggesting a yearly race?
"Everyone head to Mexico City by July 1. The whistle blows at 7:00 am. The first 300 million who get through the obstacle course and into Texas get to stay this year."
you presume he came to work and pay tax….something I doubt.
Perhaps the poor guy hasn't heard President Obama's recent Apology Tour speeches. Listening to our President, you wonder why anyone would risk their lives to come here.
I'll watch the place while everybody is gone.
LOL! Isn't that the truth. Obama makes the country sound like a Chinese prison.
I guess not everyone believes his magic words.
Slap his arse in the US military, let him serve his time and then let him stay. Win win situation.
Sure. Why don't we let bank robbers keep whatever money they steal if the heist is exceptionally dangerous exciting?
As I understand it, that's pretty much the rule for Cubans, so long as they set foot on US soil, and I'm all for it. Anybody willing to float 90 miles across the ocean in an inner tube to get here is somebody I want for a neighbor.
I don't know! I think he might be on to something. Kinda like Baseball trading cards. Think of the possibilities? What could we get for say, a Susan Sarandon and her son Tim Robbins. Maybe some brilliant Haitian who can cure cancer, or better yet, fix my internet connection?
What about Sean Penn, I'm sure we could at least get a good janitor for him. Out with the bad, in with the good. No?
I mean there are limits to it. We probably couldn't get much more than a Pakistani goat for a trade involving say Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid and Dick Durbin. But what the hell, I'd pull the trigger on that trade in a heart beat…..
We always say we want the best and brightest in America. I say we make room for them by moving out some of the dead wood………………..I could be wrong?
Anyone read Starship Troopers? Citizenship is earned, not a right?
If you could get rid of everyone who is both stupid and rich we'd probably be all set.
Pal, next time catch a flight to Mexico first, then head due north. You'll be picking grapes before you know it. Our govt. always leaves the back door open.
I love this column Greg, you really nailed the reality, or madness, that exist of the people who were given this country. This dude that nearly killed himself to get to the US is the kind of person this country needs. We already have a surplus of whiny anti-American b!tches it is time we start culling the herd and replacing them with people that would give their life for America. USA!
Whenever the amount of risk taken to come here far exceeds anything most Yankee chuckleheads would do to stay, then that risk taker deserves citizenship.
Greg,
So many of the illegals who walked across the desert in Arizona & New Mexico risk their vwery life to get here. So do we have a system that rewards these people based on the amount of risk with a degree of citizenship?
Maybe the next Survivor should try just that. I can hardy wait to see Blago's wife on that trek.
Oh no, it's TOTALLY serious. Just check the fine print of the next omnibus appropriations bill.
You know, anyone I've ever known, who fought hard to get here, has almost always turned out to be the most loyal, patriotic Americans. They really appreciate the fact that America offers them something that their own countries do not and that is FREEDOM. So far anyway.
Since when does "desperately wanting to be in America" mean you have a right to be in America?…or an American? I suppose desperately poor children in third-world countries have the right to replace your children and live in your house.
Funny you bring that up… I've often been intrigued by the idea of that two-tiered system. Most people (especially on the left) immediately dismiss it as merely a modern version of the Spartans and their helots, but that isn't what Heinlein was aiming for….
What we would actually be looking at is a system where everyone has the same basic "passive" rights (to own property, trial by jury, freedom of speech and religion, etc) that we do currently.
But the right to actually participate in government (vote, pester your elected representatives, hold office, etc) would have to be earned.
Con't:
The big problem with this, however, is taxation: the government has to get revenue somewhere, and taxation without representation was one of the key grievances our forefathers had against the Crown & Parliament. (Mind you, they understood the taxation was necessary to help pay for the defense of the Colonies… they were objecting to the fact that they had no effective say in how the revenues were spent…).
This sets up a conundrum from which there appears to be no escape: either you tax the hell out of the upper, presumably smaller tier, or you force the non-citizens to pay taxes without giving them a say in how the revenue is spent…. and I personally am not prepared to participate in such a system.
Yep. This is basically my beef with the "ship the illegal immigrants home" crowd. I've known a number of illegal immigrants — and for the most part they are hard-working, great people. Anyone who is willing to go through what they go through to get the opportunity to work their asses off is fine by me.
LawhawkSF, this is off topic, but I dropped by your blog. I loved the article you wrote today, about how Islam really didn't invent what everyone thinks. It's must read.
The rest of the blog is great too. All you guys are great. Great stuff!
For those three we would be lucky to get a dead goat that was still fresh enough to butcher and throw in the cooking pot….
ditto
I really don't care who comes to America, the only issue I have is that they go about doing it ILLEGALLY. Also when illegal immigrants come to America they bypass every little check point set in place to keep bad things out. i.e. Criminals, diseases etc.
I think republicans should run on the premise that they will make LEGAL immigration much easier to do. However not so easy that we all of a sudden find ourselves with 5 million extra people every year. Something HAS to be done to improve the immigration process.
Sounds like how we got Oklahoma. And it worked out.
Stop her at the border!! Don't let her back in!!
Thank you kind sir or madam: At Commentarama we try to go a little different direction from what we're seeing on other blogs, although some topics are just unavoidable fodder for every blog. Andrew Price's job over there is to keep me from frothing at the mouth too much. Thanks for stopping by, and be sure to invite your friends.
Not to mention, every naturalized citizen or legally-residing alien I know is highly offended at the catch-and-release methods INS employs when they had the decency to stand in line and follow the rules like you're supposed to.
Agree 100% (with SgtTank). And I love the idea of making legal immigration easier- considering that thousands are in line, doing it the right way, and are hopelessly mired in red tape. These folks wait for years to get approved, and should get first priority. They are every bit as worthy to become citizens, even though they are not risking death to get here. And of course, there's always the issue of needing to tighten the borders anyway, because of the terrorist threat.
Best answer of the year Sarge. I have always said if someone wants a fast track to U.S. citizenship they should be allowed to take a basic proficiency test in History and English if they pass send them to Boot Camp. If not, 6 months remedial training and retest. I did my time and I'm guess you did too. 6 year tour, Honorable Discharge and you are in. That's a trade I can believe in!
And while we're at it, can we stop Hillary and Obama and Biden at the border too? I'm pretty sure they don't have visas or green cards.
So true. Oklahoma is ok by me. . .
Greg, I agree with the basic sentiment, and I also understand that this in your normal, exquisitely tongue-in-cheek style (no, not the houseboy's cheek…), but…
As others pointed out, a lot of the illegals coming up from Mexico and Central America are risking their lives as well… in fact, if I recall correctly, one of the prime arguments used by the bleeding heart "open door" crowd is that many do lose their lives every year trying to get in here.
Again, I understand and agree with the sentiment, but if we let him in, what about the others? The folks that nearly die of heat stroke, or dehydraytion, or who nearly drown trying to swim the Rio Grande? Or the ones who survive getting into a car wreck when the van they are crowded in collides with another car or truck?
That all having been said, if we actually could trade away all these bloviating bags of wasted sperm I would be all for it… knowing that someone like the Spratts would have to try and actually, truly, seriously engage in a real fight for survival in some hellhole like Darfur would be sublime satisfaction at its best.
I have no problems with legal immigration, and certainly no problem with work permits. Most of the immigrants I know are wonderfully hard working, partriotic, pro-American people.
The problem comes in the illegal community who are often here with no intention of fitting in. Not to mention, there just isn't room to let a city the size of Denver into this country every year. That is bad for everyone.
I agree. He should get in; and that cuban who converted his '55 chevy pick-up into a boat and tried to drive here, he should have gotten in too.
Actually, I'd settle for military service as a prerequisite to the Commander in Chief job; let alone American citizenship.
Dude…how about if he's a particularly physical and aggressive child molester?
You people are not thinking clearly. The willingness to float 90 miles on a raft says nothing whatsoever about a person's moral character.
Keep repeating: The Rule of Law.
Golly:
Do you actually know anything whatsoever about this guy? He could be a serial killer who enjoys riding in the wheelwells of airliners for the thrill of it, in between his three-state killing sprees.
Think, people.
Any time. I'll tell everybody I know. Also, since you won't paste the link, here it is ( http://commentarama.blogspot.com/ ). You guys should advertise. People should read your stuff.
On the sir or madam issue, as a troll, we disdain such concepts. We are just trolls, Mega or puny.
I'd take a player "to be named later" for them……………..
That's what I think of Blago's hair helmet. Stop it at the Border!!!
I forgot that trolls don't have any sex. That's what makes them so mean (lol).
I forgot that trolls don't have any sex. That's what makes them so mean (lol).
So, you aren't particularly strong on basic principles of National Defense…secured borders and all that? As long as they turn out to be "mostly nice people"?
This thread is starting to depress me.
Greg,
You are using Obama's cap and trade concept for immigration policy. Limit the number of entries from any one country each year to ensure a healthy mix of future Americans. If any country goes over the limit then we either send them a few Streisands or Sarandons back or they can send additional cash
If you were willing to settle for an Afghani goat we could probably trade Stevie Nicks for it….
Let's trade Sean Penn, Danny Glover, Cindy Sheehan, and Harry Belafonte to Venezuela for one milk farmer who wants to make a profit from his produce.
Says who?
Wonder what we could get for Meghan Fox? Probably an even hotter Iranian chick who would consider middle America a gatdanged paradise.
"I can wear a short sleeve shirt to class w/o being stoned?! If I get raped, the cops won't arrest me and will attempt to get my attackers instead?! No wai!"
*MissQuinn*
Wonder what we could get for Meghan Fox? Probably an even hotter Iranian chick who would consider middle America a gatdanged paradise.
"I can wear a short sleeve shirt to class w/o being stoned?! If I get raped, the cops won't arrest me and will attempt to get my attackers instead?! No wai!"
*MissQuinn*
He's Cuban… he probably is fixing cars in Little Havana as we speak .
*MissQuinn*
Old Tom — there seem to me to be some significant differences between "guys going through hell to get work to feed their families" and an armed force bent on conquest.
Well Actually Dan, that's just my screen name..I kind of feel guilty now for picking it cause everyone always thinks I'm ex military or something..I do have people in the military but I can't claim that myself..If I had it to do all over again I think I would have joined..I could have been a WAC.
Or how about one of their newsmen that are willing to challenge the leftist power?
I certainly enjoy a good story but, at the end of the day, a line gets drawn somewhere. For me, it is a bit further south than San Diego.
Ding Ding Ding! We have a winner!
I laughed so hard at that one that I smacked my head on the wall behind me!
I didn't know comedy hurt this much……………………
Another brilliant Gutfeld idea! I'm sure it won't lead to hundreds more people dying in the desert or anything like that.
P.S. For extensive coverage of this issue since 2002, see: http://24ahead.com/
So, you are saying that we NEED people who willingly risk their life, break federal laws and then live undercover for years perhaps for ever.
Hmm, I think we could use more licensed physicians, esp. primary care docs.
Think that might be a better choice for the US?
Indeed, Imagine someone wanting to get here and doing it legally, EVEN IF it took a long time.
Sing with me, IMAGINE
Well, alright by you is certainly a basis for sound immigration policy,
The devils in the details. How easy, how many, how expensive. Theory is easy, practice, not so much.
No need to feel guilty Sarge, It's the ones who claim to have served or inflate their service are the only ones I don't like,
Think we need to give him some kind of test first to make sure he would fight for our side. Could be a good way for the bad guys to spy on us.
I believe Miss Fox would fit right in with the Mullah's. She's shares there open minded compassionate views of the world.
I know a couple of Iranian/American woman and Megan Fox looks like a week old sun-dried pork chop compared to them………..
If I were a non-American, I would immigrate illegally here too.
As Mark steyn said: "I immigrated here Legally and I won't make that mistake again."
The reason immigrating here illegally is such a good option is because we have bureacratized the hell out of the Legal immigration process.
Thanks.
Maybe we can work out a deal to trade him for John Cusack, and maybe throw in a few of those welshers like Cher who threatened to leave if Bush won in 2000.
Hmmm…your plan gets rid of both Green Day fans AND "reality" television tools?
Sir, I find your ideas appealing and would like to subscribe to your newsletter!
Just curious, but on the last Red Eye, how was Bill able to sit next to Father Johnathan and not burst into flames?
Come to think of it, how were YOU able to get that close to a man of the cloth and not burst into flames?
BTW, I was laughing so loud during the GWAR segment I woke up my fiance, thus, saving me the trouble of having to leave the couch when I finally went to sleep. Thanks alot, Man!
Red Eye: It won't cure insomnia, but it makes it easier to live with. (And not ALL of your viewers are stoned, Gut…at least not always.)
Greg, you had me at "human trading". I'll assume the rest of the article was brilliant.
[...] Daily Gut: The Human Trading System by Greg Gutfeld [...]
I woldn't shed a tear for this fellow. If he's crazy enough to stow away in the cargo hold of an intercontinental jet he's probably persistent enough to try again. No doubt he'll try until he suceeds–maybe next time as a deck hand on a freighter. By then, who knows, our corrupt congress may have passed an illegal alien amnesty law and border elimination law so one can enter anytime from anywhere. Those immigration laws are such a hinderance to our roll as global wetnurse to the world's downtrodden, aren't they?
Worked with tons of immigrants. Loved most of them. Always love to here their story of how they got here. Many, maybe most, while voting for liberals(don't know why they do), understand what America is about far better than many of the clowns who were born in this great country.
I like the idea of trading our clowns for their audacity, fearlessness(spelling?brain fart), and spunk.
I have always been a fan of "service for citizenship."
If you are willing to die this country, then by all means I want you here.
A bit off topic, but it sort of fits the theme…
I always thought that there should be a law where if the state tries to execute you and fails, you get to go home.
So, if you somehow survive the electric chair, a big bell would go off and balloons would drop and you would get an automatic pardon. Think of the TV ratings!
I´ll exchange legal immigrants George Soros and Arianna Huffington for any Latin American – or a million – who truly want to become American citizens.
I have to strongly disagree. We do NOT have the rule of law when it comes to the border. And that is our fault and our government´s fault. Are illegal immigrants supposed to enforce the law themselves? We let them in and we let them work for us (we as a nation, not you personally, I guess).
It is dishonest and lazy to call them criminals merely because they seek a better life. There are real criminals, but most of them are not criminals except in the very literal, bureaucratic sense that they came here.
I´m not for open borders, but it used to be that you bought your steerage ticket, came here and over time you became an American. It´s not unheard of.
[...] Read it. So yet another illegal alien has been found stowed away in the cargo area of a plane. He endured a hellish trip to get here, and will be returned to his heinous craphole of a country after being treated for dehydration. For example, I would gladly give up the entire Hulk Hogan brood, for this Ethiopian dude from the cargo hold. Or better, for every immigrant found in the wheel well of a jet, we forfeit an entire cast of the Real World or Charm School – sending them to whatever country that brave soul escaped from. Then we`d finally populate this great country with people who truly understand why it`s great, while getting rid of anyone who thinks Green Day lyrics mean something. [...]
I am not an open borders advocate and I wish we had a sound immigration policy. But I blame the vocal deportation advocates just as much as the left for making a solution impossible. They are also costing the GOP votes. The majority position is to have some kind of regularization for the people who are here, a path to eventual citizenship, plus secure borders. The "ship them all home" crowd drives people away. They cannot win elections even in border states.
"Fact is, our country is crammed full with children who think they`re adults, and adults pretending to be children"
I concur. Do you think "Red Eye" promotes adults acting like adults? Don't get me wrong, I enjoy your show whenever I catch it but the humor does tend to be juvenile.
"We do NOT have the rule of law when it comes to the border."
So we should just abandon trying to secure our borders all together? Let anyone in that tries to get in with no knowledge of whether they are a terrorist, spy, murderer, pedophile, etc? Maybe we should ask Castro to open the jails again?
"It is dishonest and lazy to call them criminals merely because they seek a better life."
Ture, but it isn't dishonest or lazy to call them criminals because they broke the law – which is what they did.
Because only armed forces bent on conquest can commit crimes or terrorist attacks? The fact of the matter is that without any form of screening or documentation on illegal immigrants, we don't know which ones are here for hard work and which ones aren't.
I'd like a guest worker program that offers worker visas first to those still in their countries of origin and waiting in line for the legal process of immigration, then for those still in their countries of origin and signed up via waiting list, and lastly for those who have prior records with INS. I think we could solve the need for some cheap labor like crop labor by using chain gangs out of our prisons. Prisoners need things to do, and there is no earthly reason why they shouldn't be expected to help support themselves. The agriculture industry can pay their reduced wages back to the prison system for their support to reduce burdens on tax payers, and they can earn points towards perks like time with weights or cable TV.
Because you need to be a citizen of a different country to commit crimes or terrorist attacks? I think not.
I'm in computer security. Perimeter defense is not very effective.
Since 2001, "terrorism" has been the catch-phrase for all sorts of expansions and continuations of government power. Now it's passe, and be replaced by "economic meltdown", but so it goes.
Can we not talk about the insanity of losing people who are willing to risk death to get a job without throwing images around of skulking terrorists?
So they did – now what? I am for secure borders on grounds of national security alone. But fact is, we made it possible for them to come in. And I refuse to blame them, or hate them for it. It´s easy to preach about the law and principles. What happens in the real world is that poor people leave for greener shores if they can. It´s hardly new. We have been unable to solve illegal immigration for decades. Our failure. Now it solves itself: they are here and many of them will never go back, like it or not.
"Because you need to be a citizen of a different country to commit crimes or terrorist attacks? I think not. "
That has nothing to do with my point. And I never said only foreign citizens commit crimes, I just want to make sure we stop the ones that do commit crimes from coming here illegally. Seems fair to me.
"Can we not talk about the insanity of losing people who are willing to risk death to get a job without throwing images around of skulking terrorists?"
Absolutely. We can avoid losing those people by allowing immigration but screening immigrants to this country through a controlled naturalizaion process and yet still keep the terrorists out. Its win-win. Can we now talk about the insanity of completely open borders and rewarding illegal immigration with citizenship?
Transgressive.
They should vote conservative. I´m sure they are conservative by nature and instinct. Conservatism benefits everyone except elites and deadbeats. But how should they know that? They are not going to vote for the party that is identified with anti-immigrant sentiment, fairly or unfairly.
Turnabout is fair play!
I agree with almost everything you said, except I don't think the problem has solved itself.
First things first, lets secure the border. Once we have stopped new illegal immigration, we can figure out a good solution to the illegal immigrants already here (maybe even a path to citizenship).
What we can't do is naturalize every illegal immigrant that is already here without securing the border, because that will only lead to another 10-20 million illegal immigrants and the same problems all over again (No controls over what type of people get in, wage depression, strain on public services, tax avoidance, employers taking advantage of unskilled labor, no ID or driver's licenses, unisured motorists and list goes on…).
Greg:
A criminal is a criminal….
Megan Fox for the lady in Flagstaff who used to make me tamales!
"What in the wide, wide world of sports is goin on here?"
Spit,..ting.
This would be a good idea except that by the time the Democrats were done, the black people would all be given Corvettes, the Hispanics Cadillac Escalades, the Asians would be allowed to hitchhike, and the white males would be walking carrying 100lbs rocks to represent their guilt and Jimmy Carter would be judging the whole thing for fairniess.
This is really a non-issue now. The White House Economic policy will soon enough have enterprising americans sneaking into Cargo holds as they attempt to make it to China were they can live in relative freedom and keep what they earn.
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