Conservatives Rock!

by Greg Gutfeld

Yes, it’s true! Contrary to what you often hear, there are many conservatives in popular music today. And it’s a shame that none of them get the credit they deserve. Which is why, as a favor to everyone, I have compiled a list of the greatest conservative rockers on the planet. My bandana is off to them! Rock on!

NIRVANA. “Nevermind” is nothing but a celebration of free markets (“Smells like Teen Spirit” being an anthem about owning something as simple as deodorant). And the truth is – that adorable baby on the cover chasing the dollar is now in his late teens – a healthy testament to a system of monetary reward based on hard work and achievement. “If only Kurt Cobain had chased the almighty dollar instead of the dragon, he’d be alive today,” Steve Albini might have said, if he wasn’t so busy reading Hayek.

BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN. Many people, including the “Boss” himself, worried that his album “Born in the USA” might come off as a sarcastic jab at America. But simply look at its cover, with Bruce standing in front of our flag, his backside to the enemy, turning around defiantly, as if to say, “You want a piece of this?” All worries about Bruce’s lack of patriotism were laid to rest when our greatest president Ronald Reagan, used the title track in his winning campaign. True to his gentlemanly nature, Springsteen refused to take credit. That’s the kind of guy he is.

BILLY JOEL. In a recent interview, Mr. “Piano Man” stated that his classic song “Uptown Girl” is really about Jeanne Kirkpatrick, the legendary American ambassador and ardent anticommunist. Not only was the late professor famous for her “Kirkpatrick Doctrine,” which pushed for U.S. support of anticommunist governments, she also had great legs. Joel knew this, and wrote about it, lovingly. It ended up ruining his marriage. Three times.

RAGE AGAINST THE MACHINE. For many years, RATM had been known for their subtle parody of academic culture, applying deconstructionist rants from Marxist professors to a metal rap formula lifted directly from the first Beastie Boys album. No surprise, they were often lumped into the comedy category of the Grammys. But what a surprise for the music world when they released, “Killing in the Name,” an indictment of radical Islam, and its ceaseless desire to kill anyone not bending to their will. And well done fellas, for openly repudiating cop killers like Mumia Abu-Jamal!

JACKSON BROWNE. How prescient was this mad genius when he penned “Running on Empty,” a song about the folly of third world debt forgiveness. It almost makes you forget about that nasty incident involving Daryl Hannah.

PUBLIC ENEMY. Talk about guts: their song “911 is a Joke” served as an indictment of the left, or more precisely those who refused to take the attacks on the World Trade Center seriously. Indeed, they saw 911 as “a joke,” and Public Enemy took them to task for it. I am amazed at Chuck D’s bravery in releasing something that would make him so unpopular among the rap denizens of the upper west side. But he did. And my “kangol” is off to him.

JOHN LENNON. Who can argue with the capitalistic motives behind the song “Imagine?” It is nothing more than a utopian vision of a world where free minds and free markets exist – without the totalitarian threat of enforced socialism. Lennon was a capitalist, through and through, and realized the only way to bring peace to the world was through prosperity. The exclamation to his point: the song made millions of dollars. It’s a shame Lennon is dead, and cannot enjoy it. Sad face.

THE BEATLES. What is “Let it Be” but nothing more than the blueprint behind any successful economy! Free markets? “Let it be,” indeed. If only President Bush had listened to this song before he agreed to the bail outs, we’d be in a different place. And that makes him, in my opinion, a war criminal who should probably be impeached. FYI: “Hey Jude” was about Jude Wanniski. Look it up.

THE CLASH. As any Brit knows, “London Calling” was a call to arms to protect the Falklands. And it worked. England totally kicked Argentina’s ass. And they couldn’t have done it without the support of “the only band that matters.” Citizens still play the title song every June 14th, to mark the date when the Brits took more than 10,000 prisoners of war. It is truly a time when England “rocks the cash bar.” A little pun there.

THE DIXIE CHICKS. Without question, the most ardent supporters of the policies of George W. Bush, they boldly released a romantic tribute to the man, called “Cowboy Take Me Away” – knowing it would reduce them to playing small venues. When they followed that up with “Wide Open Spaces,” a sexually-charged song describing how their bodies felt after making love to the commander in chief, perhaps it was “too much information.” Sometimes, certain things are better left unsaid, ladies.

HEART. Their first big hit, “Magic Man,” was a valentine to the man behind supply side economics, Arthur Laffer. A happily married man, he ignored their advances, leading to a tragic and unsightly weight gain among the smitten sisters. Hence, “Barracuda,” a bitter attack on the Laffer Curve, which has nothing to do with economics, and everything to do with a certain biological condition left unmentioned.

JOHN MELLENCAMP. His song, “Our Country” may seem extremely bellicose –  but given his age –  you have to give the spry rocker his due. He plays it as he sees it. Although, even conservatives bristle at his outdated beliefs. “And the ones that run this land, Help the poor and common man.” I thought we left this sexism to die back in the 80’s.

GREEN DAY. Their seminal album, “American Idiot” is an unforgiving satire on Americans who, when abroad, feel the need to apologize for our country’s policies. The band happens to herald from Berkeley, but that didn’t stop them from realizing how much better the world is when it is unencumbered by the mindlessness of leftwing policies. Bless them for reusing Ramones riffs to a sound political end.

PINK FLOYD. Their opus, “The Wall,” energized those nations tired of tyranny, creating a revolution that ultimately caused the actual Wall to come down. I’m sure if you asked Roger Waters how he feels now about this, he’d say, “it’s a gas.” Which, by no coincidence, is what he said, about money.

Greg Gutfeld writes at The Daily Gut and can be seen regularly on Red Eye which airs on the Fox News Channel.


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Posted Jan 6th 2009 at 9:35 am in Entertainment, Politics | 610 Comments