The Adventures of Bunky and Biggo
by Gary Graham
FADE IN:
Biggo slips quietly into the ornate den. Seagulls can be heard amidst the distant crash of waves. Three security men stand about the room, in attentive, professional bearing. A silver-haired, bloated old man lies on the couch
Biggo enters the room and sits in a chair beside the couch. He smiles at the man.
Biggo – “Bunky…so wonderful to see you.”
Bunky – “And so great to see you, sir.”
Biggo - “How are you feeling, my old friend?”
Bunky – “Never better. Feel on top of the world.”
Biggo – “Your health is my only concern.”
Bunky – “I wish I’d known you were coming, I would have made a pitcher of margueritas. There’s some delicious port here…or would you like a scotch?”
Biggo – “No time for that, Bunky, I’ve got to get back. Nobody knows I’m here. I just wanted to spend some time with The Lion, spend some time with my friend…and talk.”
Bunky – “You do me honor, sir.”
Biggo – “Well, Bunky…funny you should say that. Because I have an idea how you can do me a great honor.”
Bunky – “Really? Do you an honor? Just name it, sir.”
Biggo – “As you know…I’ve been having a hell of a time convincing the Amercian people that they need my health care bill…”
Bunky – “Those damn Nazi right wingers. Hate speech! We’ve got to silence them.”
Biggo - “And I know you’ve been championing the cause for many years…”
Bunky – “My doctors are the finest in the world. I should’ve been dead decades ago with my liver. Ha! Wouldn’t it be great if the American people had the same sort of medical care us Senators enjoy?”
Biggo – “Don’t even joke about that, Bunky.”
Bunky – “Oh, yeah, right. Sorry.”
Biggo – “Seriously, I’ve got enough trouble sellin’ this damn thing.”
Bunky – “Sir, I’ve fought hard to bring National Health Care to the people. They think they don’t want it, but they really do. I know they do. They’re just…confused into thinking that they don’t want it. We have to find a way to shove it down their…I mean, we need to convince them…that they’ll be better off with us in total control.”
Biggo smiles broadly. Bunky has to squint from the dazzling glare.
Biggo – “That’s what I came over to talk to you about. You know…your own health has been declining rapidly…”
Bunky – “Oh, I’m feeling great these days. Really, feeling much stronger. Watch, I can do pushups…”
Biggo – “No, no…that’s cute, but…you’re really going downhill fast. It’s a crisis. I’ve had several End-of-Life conversations with your doctors. Hate to say it, Bunk, but you’re fast-approaching room temperature.”
Bunky – “What? No… It is a little breezy in here, but… I’m strong as an ox. We’re gonna play touch football this afternoon.”
Biggo – “You’re a brave fighter, Senator. But get real — you’re pretty much toast.”
Bunky - “Pulse is strong, I’m regular, I’m whitening my teeth…”
Biggo chuckles good-naturedly and leans forward. He gestures enthusiastically, suddenly energized with an exciting new plan of hope and change.
Biggo – As you know, Bunky, we don’t believe in letting a crisis go to waste. A crisis lets you do things you thought you otherwise could not do. Like passing this monster of a bill. Now, here’s where you can be of great service to me…as well as your country.”
Bunky – “I feel like jogging. Who’s up for a jog along the beach?”
Biggo – “You’re really not fooling anyone, you know.”
Bunky – “I’m feeling spunky.”
Biggo – ” ‘Spunky Bunky’ …ha, ha, you’re killin’ me. But seriously. This is critical for my bill. If we can get a boost in the polls…I can convince the blue dogs to put us over the top. It will take something big, though. It will take something that can pull at their heartstrings.”
Bunky - “Toss a ball around? Maybe a quick game of Frisbee?”
Biggo – “Bunk… This has been your cause. You’ve been the one pushing for this for years! If you were to suddenly…I don’t know, just off the top of my head….uh…expire…”
Bunky – “Expire? You mean…?”
Biggo – “Think of it. You’d be a legend. The press coverage for days, endlessly touting your…uh…well, they’d underscore your…ummm….good intentions.”
Bunky – “I have had good intentions.”
Biggo – “Of course you have. And you’ve had the name. That famous name. The legacy. And now…if you do this one small thing…you’ll have…the Legend.”
Bunky – “The Legend. Yes. And… the press coverage…”
Biggo – “Endlessly spectacular. The weeping…the mourning as the cortege passes by in Hyannis Port …the haunting dirge as the caissons go rolling along… Catholic Bishops will speak…I will give a grand tribute…children will sing…oh, the tears and the sweet national sadness… It will be epic.”
Bunky – “The people love me…”
Biggo – “And the Senators will take up a new battle cry for health care: “Let’s do it…for Bunky!”
Bunky – “Yeah… do it for… Bunky…”
Biggo – “I’ll name the bill after you! The biggest expenditure of funds ever approved in our history. The largest act of government ever passed…and your name will be on it.”
Bunky – “Ohhhh….aaahh…really? My… name on it?”
Biggo - “You’re my brave soldier.”
Bunky – “I…I don’t know what to say, sir…”
Biggo looks up and nods to one of the security men, who picks up a black bag and steps forward.
Biggo – “Don’t say anything, my friend. Just go to sleep. And dream of my legacy… er, I mean your legacy. Dream of your legacy.”
Bunky – “You sure I can’t get you a scotch?”
Biggo – “No time, Bunky. I have to get back, my girls wanna go to… Moshup Beach, I think it’s called.”
Bunky – “Do you know that’s a nude beach, sir?”
Biggo – “It is? Huh. (thinks a moment) Coolio.”
Bunky – “You’re not going to use a pillow, are you? Don’t use a pillow, I hate that. It would feel like…drowning.”
Biggo – “No, no…I like the karmic symmetry, but no. We’re more elegant than that. It’ll be just like going to sleep.”
Biggo pats Bunky on the hand and stands to leave as the security men approach the old man on the couch.
Bunky – “One last thing last thing, sir?”
Biggo – “Yes?”
Bunky — “Why… do you call me Bunky?”
Biggo laughs endearingly.
Biggo – “Cuz you’re my brave soldier! I call all my brave soldiers Bunky. My grandma, that typical white woman, I called her Bunky. I needed a boost two days before the election and – boom. Ahhh….. What a good sport she was. (sighs) …ol’ Bunky Gram…”
Biggo pauses to wipe his eye…then turns to the door.
Bunky – “Wait a second, wait a second… Uh. Uh… A quick bike ride before you go?”
Biggo – “Dignity, Bunky. Remember – a national health care bill…named after you.”
Biggo winks endearingly and leaves. Bunky settle back, smiles. Closes his eyes.
The men moved in…
Bunky - “Yeah…Do it for Bunky. The Bunky Bill. The…Bunky…Bill… Bunk…eeee…
FADE OUT
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26 Comments
[...] View original post here: The Adventures of Bunky and Biggo [...]
[...] He smiles at the man. Biggo – “Bunky…so wonderful to see you.” Bunky – “And so great t Go to Source Leave a comment Related PostsAugust 16, 2009 — My memory foam pillow (0)August 15, 2009 — [...]
[...] He smiles at the man. Biggo – “Bunky…so wonderful to see you.” Bunky – “And so great t Go to Source Leave a comment Related PostsAugust 16, 2009 — My memory foam pillow (0)August 15, 2009 — [...]
[...] For President Obama Tony Blair Says What Needs To Be Said The End Of The World As We Know It The Adventures of Bunky and Biggo – bighollywood.breitbart.com 08/31/2009 [There is a video that cannot be displayed in this feed. [...]
Thanks Gary, love the Monty Python clip! Bunky will eh…hmmm… expire in vain. The American people are not in the mood for Washington shenanigans. They may get some kind of… Kenn… I mean Bunky Healthcare Bill, but the political peril will be great indeed if you’re in the political business, healthcare opponents are not the ones to pick a fight with. We will vote your sleazy a$$ out in 2010. I had forgotten Bar… I mean Biggio’s Grandma, hmmm… a pattern perhaps?
Speaking as one from Massachusetts, thanks for the chuckle. The Bunky worship around here has been nauseating, and it almost makes me long for the black bag. They've even changed the highway warning signs to say "Thanks, Bunky, from the people of Massachusetts". No thanks from this one!
Huh… and honestly.. it would not surprise me if this actually happened… Teddy's death happened all too conveniently.
Bring out your dead – one of my first memories of Python and how appropos. Check out this clip from Congress:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G44NCvNDLfc&fe...
[...] oldie-but-goodie. For a modern twist, go read The Adventures of Bunky and Biggo. ..bruce w.. Share and [...]
Monty Python was ahead of its time.
And this dark dialogue is a bit chilling, and so appropriate. What times we live in . . .
A chilling reminder that "reducio ad absurdum" no longer applies.
Very good work Mr. Graham! Thank you. I am already nigh unto puking at all the glowing, slobbering memorials, what have you, even on Fox news. Puh-lease.. I don't want to speak ill of the dead, but I sure don't want to hear a lot of phony arse kissing either! Thank you for your always fresh, and always honest, view on things.
And to think, I use this very same sketch for the main ringer on my cell phone.
As shown in the past, Washington doesn't get a damn if you or anyone else aren't in the mood for "shenanigans". Remember, it's what Pelosi, Reid and THE ONE wants. We don't matter, our needs and wants are second to theirs.
First, there were 'birthers'. Now there are deathers.
If Byrd expires in the next few days… I might just be inclined to believe this.
Whatever is on FNC can't be compared to the fawning and flagulation on MSNBC!
Keith Olbermann saying that Teddy was "Countdown's #1 fan"? That's vomit inducing more effective than icapac syrup.
I would hope that the American People would be smart enough to see through this transparent attempt to pass the same piece of horse dung with a shiny new package. But a majority of citizens did vote for this dolt to be our president. It seems more people are intrested in the upcoming new season than government controling all of our lives.
I did find it rather calculating that they used a child during the service to push for ChapaquiddiCare. I suppose the libs learned a lesson from the Paul Wellstone memorial debacle. After all, who would ever target a child??
(Thinks of little Trig).
Hipocrisy is their modus operandi.
Gary, are you suggesting that liberals have an affinity for tragedy at the most opportune times? How perceptive you are, my friend. "You never want a serious crisis to go to waste", Rahm Emanuel, 2008. I suppose the next step would be to nudge that crisis or tragedy along so the timing would be perfect. Good bye, Granny. Good bye, Teddy. And thanks for the boost in the polls.
Sick and brilliant! Loved it.
Where can I find that? A good runner-up, I've thought, would be the "Run away! Run away! . . . Keep running!" bit from MP's Quest for the Holy Grail. That or the sound of the TARDIS starting up. I might actually look forward to my cell phone ringing (would make those telemarketer calls way more fun).
I use Sprint so it was in the list of choices in their web list. I also downloaded the Lumber Jack song.
I'm a lumberjack and I'm OK
I sleep at night and I work all day.
That one's my 4 year old's favorite.
Indeed, never will there be a limit to how low they will sink to get what they want. This article makes it to my facebook.
Just those lyrics, or the whole song?
I got the first and second verse, along with the Mountie Chorus for each. It repeats after that until I pick up or it goes to voicemail.
For bring out your dead, I get alot of the routine right up till "no you're not, you'll be stone dead in a moment"
'Karmic symmetry'… don't use the pillow! Priceless. =)
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