Liberals & Lightbulbs
by Gary Graham
Q: HOW MANY LIBERALS DOES IT TAKE TO SCREW IN A LIGHTBULB?
A: SEVENTEEN.
TWO, to notice that there is no light by bumping in to each other, debate whether the collision was due to a sudden increase in the amount of prevailing darkness, or rather, an uptrend in the known absence of illumination…and then blame it on George Bush as part of the 9/11 Conspiracy.
ONE, to start a website that links the dead light bulb as further proof of Global Warming.
FOUR, to set up a mobile texting network to demand a United Nations tribunal investigating Bush/Cheney’s collusion with Halliburton, the Trilateral Commision, the Skull and Bones Society, the NRA, the CFR, NASCAR, the Boy Scouts of America, Lyme disease, and Satan.
NINE, to establish an emergency bi-partisan Congressional Committee to Study the Crisis, spend seventy-five billion dollars as quickly as humanly possible, and eventually arrive at the conclusion that the only thing the government does that’s worth a damn is found in the U.S Military. So they send in…
ONE brave serviceman to enter the darkness and climb up and screw in a new light bulb.
+ + + +
Your turn, top that!
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78 Comments
Your math is a little off. It should be 16. The serviceman wouldn’t be a liberal.
Dave R
Okay, I’ll give it a go:
Q: What’s the difference between Global Warming and Bigfoot?
A: There’s evidence Bigfoot exists.
Maybe this will help for next time:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Joke
Oh, I get it – an attempt at right-wing humor
Who needs light when we have the eternal glow of the ONE.
In answer to the original question, one.
Oh, sorry. I thought you said “screw a lightbulb.”
*****
Let’s try this, then:
Light is a religious metaphor and therefore a violation of the principle of separation of church and state. Bulb is offensive as it is used primarily to criticize the gravitationally challenged or learning-disabled. We therefore cannot call it a “light bulb”.
We must call it a Visible Radiation Emission Device, or VRED.
Radiation is bad. Radiation uses precious energy resources that increase our carbon footprint, causing global warming. In addition, it selfishly takes that energy away from poorer third-world countries, depriving them of the VREDs they need to make the cute little grass coasters I use to prove how globally eco-friendly I am.
So we must not change the VRED. We must wait for the sunshine and live as Mother Nature intended us to live.
Or you could just toss him a rope instead of making him build a freaking ladder.
Gary I think you have found your calling. Ever since I read your “One Pissed Off Dude” post I scan this blog daily in search of your commentary. Keep em coming my man. You keep the libs hopping and me laughing. Lovin it!
And thank you Andrew and John for starting this website. It is very gratifying to know there is still some sanity left in Hollywood.
Gary G. wrote: “Q: HOW MANY LIBERALS DOES IT TAKE TO SCREW IN A LIGHTBULB?”
The answer is obvious, Gary: It takes a village.
The math does not compute, Gary:
ONE braveserviceman
Does not count in the liberal tally
How many liberals does it take to change a lightbulb?
One – Give it to Obama; he’s great at screwing up.
Reminds me of a similar joke, with a more specific (but related) subject:
Q: How many militant feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to screw in the bulb, and one to protest the oppression of the socket by the bulb.
Q: How many tax-cheating Cabinet nominees does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None, they were honest mistakes!!! Really!!!
You forgot to mention that the brave service member was, ridiculed by those who sent him or her in, and voted against giving them proper equipment to do the job.
Have you ever built a ladder? If he’s stuck in a hole the next time, what will he build the ladder out of, even if he has that skill now? Is this gentleman supposed to walk the earth carrying around a ladder building kit for the rest of his days?
If you think, “Throw down a ladder kit and tools” is actually the best solution for helping a dude stuck in a hole, I don’t know what to tell you. Fire departments are apparently doing it wrong
What’s the difference between God and Obama?
God doesn’t think he’s Obama.
Is there even such a thing as a “ladder kit”? In my experience, hardware stores just sell, you know, ladders.
BLUCAS! – Excellent grasp of a metaphor.
A liberal would throw an untied rope in the hole. When that didn’t work, another liberal would throw more untied rope. And another, and another. Just keep throwing rope at the problem. Eventually, the man in the hole dies and nothing is learned for the next man who finds himself in a hole.
Blucas,
I’m not sure whether you are a brilliant comedian or what Dave Barry called “humor impaired.” If it’s the first, let me congratulate you: your persistent misunderstanding is actually funnier than the joke itself. If it’s the latter, however, I’ll explain the joke to you: it is a slam at liberals AND conservatives. The liberal, in keeping with his ideology, makes a lot of noise and claims to be helping, but the man in the hole is no better than he was before. The conservative, in keeping with his ideology, gives the man the tools to help himself, but it’s an incredibly inefficient task when it would be so much easier to dump ideology and just help the man out of the hole. So both the liberal and the conservative are useless. Ha, ha, very funny. Get it now? Can you move on with your life?
My own attempt at jokes:
Q. How many people does it take to help Bill Clinton screw in a lightbulb?
A. Give him one female companion more attractive than Janet Reno, and Bill Clinton will screw in anything.
Q. How many people does it take to help Barack Obama screw in a lightbulb?
A. All members of the mainstream media. Obama holds the bulb, and the media forces the world to revolve around him.
Actually, I think a true conservative would just lower the capital gains tax so the guy could more easily afford a ladder kit himself. After all, where is the money coming from for all these ladder kits and ropes (tied or untied)? Better not be from MY PAYCHECK.
Is this a French lightbulb? Perhaps it just union made here in the USA? Should the 8 unionized workers who made the lightbulb be included? Is this a trick question? I am so confused now I need to consult my therapist.
I wonder if this site can set up a separate area for the “Liberals stink – naaah naah naah naah!” stuff? Then the adults can go someplace else to read something actually relevant and interesting.
None. Let them eat tofu in the dark
Q: HOW MANY LIBERALS DOES IT TAKE TO SCREW IN A LIGHTBULB?
A: None, their illegal alien employees do it for untaxed underpaid wages.
Is it me or can you see Harry Reid’s face in that light bulb?
Oh yeah, the answer is none, because light bulbs are tools used by capitalist swine and Zionist Joo’s to count their money.
A good state subject uses a candle… made and issued by the state of course…..
Q: HOW MANY LIBERALS DOES IT TAKE TO SCREW IN A LIGHTBULB?
A: Just two, but they have to be really small…
Cute joke, but the big grain of truth it contains is that many liberals are actually willing to do things. In contrast, almost all non-liberal sites – and almost every single non-liberal blogger – just sit around moaning about how bad things are without being able to come up with a plan to change things.
A case in point is my two-year effort to get people to go out and ask politicians real questions on video; my latest plea is at my name’s link. Despite well over a hundred thousand people seeing my various pleas, not a one has done anything.
Perhaps a site like this could consider being just a smidgen more activist and could start encouraging people to, you know, do things once in a while.
How many liberals does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Don’t they have people they pay under the table to handle this kind of stuff?
Name me a church that budgets for ladder kits.
Name me one.
Last Sunday at Mass they did a second collection for people stuck in holes, but, you know, times are hard, I just didn’t have anything more to give.
With regards to the man in the hole:
Throwing him a ladder-making kit will likely not be much help. He is probably a “graduate” of the public school system (given that he is in a hole) and would not be able to read or decipher the instructions in the ladder-making kit.
Lola, AlGore was just telling the kids what their public school teachers have been telling them for years: Don’t listen to your parents and don’t tell them anything. Years ago when my son was in Middle School and was coming home all upset about how we’re destroying the planet and the Earth won’t even be here when he grows up, I tried to tell him that was ridiculous. But his TEACHER told him to expect his parents to say that, and proactively told him that his parents were completely ignorant on this subject and not to listen to anything they say. This teacher also had them keep a journal where they were to write their most private thoughts and record what was going on in their homes. These journals were not to be shared with their parents, but did have to be turned in for the teacher to read periodically during the school year. We ended up having to have a parent-teacher conference when my son came home with a list of “House Rules” which his TEACHER had instructed the kids to write and then post on the refrigerator at home. These rules basically turned running our home over from us to the kids. Part of the assignment was to report back to the teacher how the parents reacted to the rules. This was all part of the curriculum for students of that grade that year. When the principal supported what the teacher was doing, we yanked out son out and put him in private school.
OMG! This is outrageous. I was a school teacher before I had my kids and I would have never done something like this. Any halfway decent teacher knows that parents are the biggest asset in the success of their students. This teacher had some serious issues. Holy cow.
I was kind of unusual in that I was a conservative teacher, but I wasn’t the only one who hated the union and thought tenure should be abolished. I bet the a**hat you describe had tenure and figured they could abuse their position as much as they wanted.
Perfect Gary….perfect.
“After all, where is the money coming from for all these ladder kits and ropes (tied or untied)? Better not be from MY PAYCHECK.”
The money comes from his pocket…maybe it will teach him to watch where he is walking.
Okay, ready for this one?
The year is 2020, and the federal government provides all Americans with everything they need and desire, from cradle to grave: food, housing, health care, even cars – for free!
But as you might expect, often there is a delay for these goods and services to be redistributed to the needy multitudes. President Rodham announces that each citizen is now entitled to receive a “free” automobile, the Gorester E99, which is guaranteed to get 75 mpg (corn oil only please) and release no deadly CO2 and was built in America ONLY by unionized government employees.
As you may expect, there is one catch: each citizen must apply for a Gorester at the DMV, and it will require a wait of exactly ten years before the lucky citizen will be able to take delivery of the environmentally sound vehicle.
Millions of people dutifully line up. One day, a man reaches the head of the line and submits his application. The clerk hands him a certificate and says,
“Congratulations comrade citizen! Exactly ten years from today, on February 4, 2030, you may return here to be allocated your Gorester E99!”
The man nervously consults his hand-held electronic appointment book.
“Comrade,” he asks. “May I pick up my car in the morning?”
The clerk is shocked. “We are talking ten years from now!” she exclaims. “What possible difference could it make if it’s the morning or the afternoon?”
The hapless citizen holds up his appointment book. “But my next National Health Service Clinic visit is in the afternoon.”
[...] 4, 2009 · No Comments Via Big Hollywood: Liberals & Lightbulbs Q: HOW MANY LIBERALS DOES IT TAKE TO SCREW IN A [...]
Ok, Bevfromnyc! I just got coffee up my nose from that “ladder day saints” bit. LMAO!!
Brandon,
You forgot to mention that conservatives like things short and to the point without it going on and on…LOL!
“A liberal would throw an untied rope in the hole. When that didn’t work, another liberal would throw more untied rope. And another, and another. Just keep throwing rope at the problem. Eventually, the man in the hole dies and nothing is learned for the next man who finds himself in a hole.”
Acctually current policy would be to keep throwing rope into the hole until one could stand on the pile of rope and climb out.
The only problem is the hole is too deep and there is not enough rope. Also goes against the reason we have rope to begin with. But the idiot does not care and throws in more rope anyway.
Oh yeah, the economy, I mean the man in the hole dies anyway.
Brief fanboy moment: I just got my wife to watch all of the Alien Nation series and she loved it. Good to see an actor I respect has opinions I can also respect. Welcome aboard, Gary.
toodles what is the name of your church?
I want to call them up to see if they’ll buy me a ladder kit.
So you’re saying there are churches that will literally buy ladder kits for people stuck in holes?
I mean, I’m sure someone in the congregation has a ladder they can loan out for a few minutes. That would be more cost-effective, and non-profits have to watch that bottom line.
Brandon,
Short and to the point is so that as many conservatives can get their point across before being drowned out by liberal voices barking their “written on cue card” objections. I got used to that, being the only conservative in my office and most of them are huge (he can’t possibly fail) Obama fans.
Where can I send the paypal invoice Bev?
Q: HOW MANY LIBERALS DOES IT TAKE TO SCREW IN A LIGHTBULB?
A: This man from the Human Rights Commission would like to have a word with you about your hate speech crimes, citizen.
The liberal just stands by the hole with a collection plate and berates everyone else for not having enough compassion to buy the man a ladder. Then he/she takes the money and rides off in a chauffeur-driven limo (that he swears was a gift) to the next catastrophe.
As for the lightbulb, there will be no change. No matter which side of the aisle, politicians do not replace lightbulbs. They prefer to operate under cover of darkness. Someone shed light on this “stimulus” bill and look what happened!
Excellent Gary. However, the best jokes come from the Dems themselves. Take Biden’s KNEE SLAPPER at the
first Democratic primary debate when he assures Brian Williams he has “…the discipline to be president.”
BWAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHA AHA AHAHAHA A…uh uh , BBBbbWAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAHAHAHAHA.
Is it a European light bulb or one of those squirrelly Chinese jobs?….
Norm,
Liberals do not have a sense of humor. AlGore decided that a sense of humor relieves tensions and releases gasses that melt ice bergs. God Forbid that we have large amounts of liberal ice water.
Q: How many liberals does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None. Since the defeat of BushCo and Darth Cheney, the universe now gives off a warm, welcoming glow, making lightbulbs unnecessary… even though those evil neocons keep using them so they can speed up global warming.
To BEVFROMNYC:
Nicely done!!! ROFLOLOLOL
Q How many liberals does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. None. Usually it takes a person with enough sense to go to the cupboard, get the ladder and change it him/herself.
With the decree that incandescent bulbs are no longer permissible, the bulb must be changed to a CFL, which if it breaks during or after installation, a qualified government Hazmat team must be dispatched to perform clean-up.
You still have one person to change the bulb, but about 2 dozen government workers standing by if it breaks. (8 to man the government emergency CFL breakage hotline, 2 Supervisors, 1 Department of CFL Disposal Manager, 1 Executive Assistant to the Manager, and 1 dozen hazmat crewmen spread over the entire state.)
Wasn’t sure which troll needed help IDing conservative comedians, but still thought I’d help. I’m a helper.
http://www.modernconservative.com/metablog_single.php?p=2904
I loved the lightbulb jokes about Clinton, Obama and the really small liberals.. hilarious! I hope you don’t mind but I forwarded them to some of my most closest conservative friends and family, who then will most likely send them on, etc. Thanks for the ENTERTAINING thread.
Finally.. some humor. After pouring all over WSJ, NYTimes and SFGate it feels great to LAUGH. Naturally, I wasn’t surprised to come upon the whiny liberal posts.. trying yet again to make us conservatives STEP IN LINE BECAUSE I SAY SO!!!!
(But all this talk makes me want to stock up on incandescent bulbs.. I hate those AlGore lightbulbs!! Oh no… here come the lightbulb police.. RUN!!!)
You guys are the best!! Great post, Gary, and tremendous response! After a really crappy day, I got my tea, sat down to scan my favorite blog and ended mopping the tears from my eyes! You’ve made my day – and bevfromnyc, you rock!
Gary, this is one of your best! You set in motion one of the funniest string of comments I’ve read in a long time! And thanks to all of you Commenters – lots of humor and wit!
How many surrealists does it take to assemble a ladder kit?
Fish!
How many tears will I cry when they take my beloved incandescents away and replace them with sucky, toxic, forever-taking, cadaver-looks-makin CFLs?
96+
Can I just express the immense level of hate I have for CFLs? What is America coming to when we are forced to buy a hugely inferior product that is actually dangerous when broken?! Gee, lightbulbs don’t break very often (?!) I think the screwed design of them is on purpose – mocking us.
How many liberals does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Why, all of them, comrade! Really, such silly question…. Now where did Moose and Squirrel go?
To: Brandon, Read your theory with great interest, and I basiclly agree with your philosophy. My own, I relate to Beer. A conserative I label as a working capitalist, and liberals as disfunctional enablers. The capitalist figures out how to make beer, and the liberal makes himself useful with philosophic euphanisims. They make nothing of substance, aside of paper flowers and inoxious noise. But they certianly do not hesitate in embibing in the trouth that the conserative fills. So the next time they fall in a hole, perhaps the wise thing to do is get out the shovels form a work party, and bury the fool.
Q: How many liberals does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Why should any liberal have to go to the bother of screwing in a light bulb when one touch from Obama, The Anointed One will ‘heal’ the bulb and bathe the earth again in a warm, glowing light?
Q: How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: One..and it’s not funny.
Q: HOW MANY LIBERALS DOES IT TAKE TO SCREW IN A LIGHTBULB?
A: all of them – cuz they would tax it, demonize it, spend to study it, threaten it, legislate it, then talk it to death when they cant get it to work on its own.
Or, I guess in the end, it is zero liberals, cuz they cant get it done without someone doing it for them
Q: HOW MANY LIBERALS DOES IT TAKE TO SCREW IN A LIGHTBULB?
A. Zero. That could imply personal responsibility. Unless they planned on fixing the roof 20 miles away, taking a dog for a walk, picking some $7.2 billion apples, and then maybe (and that’s a strong maybe) somewhere on page 247 of some pork filled bill, the light bulb may be fixed. But then they would just break the bulb after a single conservative fixes it himself.
Q: What’s the difference between a liberal’s reason to use a CFL bulb and a conservative’s?
A: The liberal uses it to combat “manmade” global warming.
The conservative would use it because it draws less electricity and leaves more of the money they earned in their pocket. Upon realizing this, the government figures out the saving between an incandescent and a CFL and taxes the conservative for the extra “income.”
I find it morally repugnant that there is absolutley no repect for the socket. Why does the light bulb have more rights than the socket? This act of aggression…this invasion…..this “rape” of the socket is an atrocity. Has anyone asked the socket if it will permit itself to be screwed by the bulb? What will the rest of the world think of us?
Hey Gary,
I haven’t seen you in many, many years. Hint: My pseudonym on this post is the name of the Character I played in a movie that we were in with a certain diminutive, “nazi”, or at least he is currently playing one in the movies!
I’m so glad that you wrote this article. I have a HUGE pet peeve about liberals and light bulbs which is PISSING off to the “highest of PISSTIVITY” to borrow a phrase from the late Robin Harris! LIGHT BULBS! Recently the heat lamp/floodlight in my bathroom went out. So I go to Walgreens to get a new one, no problema right? WRONG. First, I can’t find one of sufficient wattage, everything now is “energy saving” this or “green” that. Bleech. Anyhoo, I finally settle on one and like a happy little idiot I bring it home. Now, this light is important to me, chiefly because if I use it, I don’t have to use the one that is attached to the NOISY fan, got it? Cool. So I get home, screw the light in, turn it on…AND CAN’T SEE A DANGED THING! THE FRIGGIN’ LIGHT TAKES TIME TO WARM UP! It comes on initially so low that you could barely make out your surroundings, then, when the LIGHT, deems your stay of sufficient length it will DEIGN to brighten! SLooooowly.
I hate this light. If it were a guy, I’d sock him in the face. If I ever meet the liberal nutbag who designed it, say, at a party or something, I can just read the headlines the next morning. Actor (so and so) beats the crap out of lisping liberal!
Anyway, keep up the good work and if you ever want to drop me a line even if it’s just to figure out who the heck I am, although I think I gave pretty good clues, it’s v-ford@sbcglobal.net GOD BLESS YOU.
Great post! But yes, I agree with an earlier comment-the service man who quietly gets the job done with no hoopla or media around,isn’t a liberal. But I can tell you the other 16, once they have light, will be quick to criticize how that one got the job done.
Okay…maaaaaaybe my math was off. I don’t know… BUT! You guys have kept me laughing with your great comments. After my piece on abortion (FLASHPOINT! A WOMAN’S RIGHT TO CHOOSE) I was sorely in need of a little humor. I had been sick all week, then Superbowl Sunday, and…well i wasn’t up to a column on Tuesday. So I invested all of five minutes, more or less…and this thing did exactly what I hoped it would do: set you guys off. The comments thread is hilarious! Thank you folks for making me LAUGH OUT LOUD reading your great contributions to this fun little diddy.
And Lefty’s…learn to laugh at yourself. And if you can’t, then laugh at me…laughing at you.
We Americans were so tired of being thought of as dumb, by the rest of the world that we went to the polls in November and removed all doubt.
well those cheap florescent light bulbs are useless in minus eighteen degrees temperature.
You can’t see a damn thing, You could risk getting hit with a snowmobile. unless using a flash light when chopping wood by yourself which is a challenge.
Or going back to the basic a home made torch. stick it the firm snow, so it won’t tip over, a crude light indeed.
Unless Attila the Hun, and crazy horse both dropped by unexpectedly.
God only knows we need good light when it comes to chopping wood, or coming home from playing bingo.
Anyways I switch back to regular old bulbs, they work in -45 C weather. SO bright I can see what other people doing on their porches. and even the contents of their shopping bags.
Oh yeah the Demis and the Libbies (Democrats are basically identically to the Canadian Liberal Party), experts of taxing my two cents, literally. I was thinking how the heck can you tax two cents. well one crude solution is cutting a penny in half and quarter it.
Hey Gary
You should take canoe trips here in Northern Ontario, we have plenty of river enough to travel.
We northern Canadians have one thing in common with Alaskans, in the way we do on rivers. By standing one leg up like captain Morgan without the booze of course.
That stunt is not for amateurs or green horns. for season pros of the river ways.
or you can take trips in Alaska.
The best way of enjoying bannock is when its cooked over a open flame with tea bloss. some pan fried fish:D
wild game, bear cooked to perfection and squirrel use as ground beef for patties for burgers with buns on hand.
a grizzly go from snarl to romp roast. >:)
bears are expert snatchers when it comes to stealing fish from sports fisherman. which explains yogi bear stealing picnic baskets and boo boo as his little nasty posse.
Carrie — Your comment made me lurch sideways, laughing, and I fell off my bar stool. Fortunately, the floor broke my fall. But it's all right…I didn't spill a drop. xoxo
Sorry, B from N. Ontario… You gotta turn down the volume of your Non-Sequitur device. Couldn't hear you through all that white noise…and your Stream of Consciousness ramble sort of lost me there. I appreciate your enthusiasm, but don't really know what you're trying to convey. Sounded like a Canadian cooking show, but I'm sure your rivers are beautiful up there. God bless you.
Gary — lurching sideways is allowed as long as it's not to the left……that's just wrong. xoxo
RIGHT LURCHING ONLY!!
[...] Gary Graham: Q: How many liberals does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: The same number who would recognize me from my direct-to-DVD movies Hahahahahah— wait. That’s not funny. Okay, two liberals walk into a fern bar… [...]
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