Sheriff Joe Arpaio: Close Gitmo, I’ll Take ‘em!
by Gary GrahamTHIS JUST IN: In a surprise move today, the outspoken and controversial Sheriff of Maricopa County, Arizona, stated that he’d be happy to take the inmates of Gitmo and provide for them “appropriate and hospitable accommodations.” When questioned in a press conference what those ‘appropriate’ accommodations would entail, the spirited Sheriff was quoted as saying, “Oh, you’ll find out. Our recidivism rate here is nearly zero. For some reason inmates, when released, are not too keen on coming back.”
Asked if the detainees would receive just and humane treatment, the Sheriff smiled and said, “Certainly. They are ‘humans’ and will be treated as such…and that’s ‘just’ the way it is.”
In Baghdad today, the arrested Al Qaeda leader, Khaled Abdul-Fattah Dawoud Mahmoud al-Mashhadani, was heard screaming from his cell when he heard the news that the Gitmo detainees in Arizona would all be required to wear pink. Al-Mashhadani’s legal representative, ACLU attorney Harold B. Dikwahd, stated that dressing the detainees in pink would violate the Geneva Convention. “Pink is the color of pigs, and pork is an insult to Muslims,” stated the snarky lawyer. Sheriff Arpaio responded, “Well, we don’t want to insult them, just lock them away. Like all our inmates here, they look pretty in pink.”
The ACLU was further infuriated that no copies of the Koran would be provided to the detainees, but rather replaced by copies of The Audacity of Hope, by Barack Obama. In addition, prayer rugs would be replaced by yoga mats and the five prayer breaks each day would be allowed, but required to include a 20-minute Namaste Yoga routine. MacDonald’s happy meals would be served seven times a day until the prisoners made a video declaration that they would cease the jihad and start treating people of all faiths in a decent and ‘pleasant’ manner. When asked what he meant by ‘pleasant,’ the feisty Sheriff replied, “Well, not cutting people’s heads off and blowing themselves up on crowded buses would be damn fine start.”
Immediately following the press conference a new fatwa was issued by Osama Bin Laden from an undisclosed cave location, that “…a new jihad is hereby announced, on top of all the other old jihads, that all faithful followers are now to blow up the entire state of Arizona. But not til after the Super Bowl. Go Cards.”
We are still trying to decipher the cryptic meaning of the last part of the fatwa.
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47 Comments
Give them to Joe.
BTW, are you sure about the ACLU lawyer’s name? Sounds more like a description of a lawyer than it does a surname.
If I find out later that this writer is BSing about all this, then I will not visit this site again. We have the NYTimes for news distortions and false stories.
… blow up the entire state of Arizona …
What? Osama doesn’t trust Senator McCain to do that all by himself? McCain blew up an entire campaign without much help, except from his buddy Lindsay Graham, fellow-fourteen.
My vote is to have the Departments of Defense and Homeland Security rolled into one and put under the leadership of Secretary Joe Arpaio!
And Gary, I’m firing Robert Gibbs and hereby knighting you as Press Secretary because your White House press briefings would be spectacular to watch!
Pittsburgh is making alternative arrangements to house them in tents, as well, dependent upon which team loses.
Gary – my hat’s off. Too funny.
Gary–Tough Guy–stick to bit parts. Leave the writing to the literate.
When asked about the lack of Koran’s at the prison, Harry Reid shook his head and said “This is a result of Bush’s failed policies that these…” where he was quickly cut off by a cramp in Nancy Pelosi’s hand.
See you know Maricopa County well. Funny, the only place I’d feel safe if the prisoners were sent to the U.S. is if Sheriff Joe has them. I would enjoy seeing them part of the chain gang cleaning the highways. If they were ever released, they most certainly would leave the U.S. after staying with the Sheriff.
I love this idea
I’d vote for Sheriff Joe for any office
Send these scum-bag terrorist to Alcatraz. Take away their koran, their Muslim food, their clothes. Keep then naked in their cells like the Brits did to Bobby Sands. The fog from the Bay will take the fight out of them. Feed them pork 24/7 fill the island with pigs and they have to kill them to eat. We can’t water-board these pussies then we should get old recording of Bishop Sheen of NY saying the rosary over the loud speakers 24/7. No quick death for these maggots, the sun will cross the sky a thousands times before we kill them and they will wish a thousand times that they were dead.
Put Sheriff Joe in Charge of Alcataz adn bring in American lifers to the island as guards. We can teach these Islamic pussies what real life is all about.
Hey great idea – give them to the MAN
Heh.
I was trying to read the pink t-shirts… “clean and sober”.
The pink is excellent. I approve.
(And the very funny thing is that just as soon as someone did say that pink was the color of pigs, someone *would* say it violated the GC by degrading the prisoners. It’s so *hard* to do satire these days.)
Sheriff Joe would certainly know what to do with the Gitmo gang. I’ll be watching the streets for the chain gangs of ex-Gitmos. Thanks for the laugh.
WAY TO GO JOE AND AS FAR AS THE PINK THE COLOR OF PIG’S IS AN INSULT TO THEM AND AGAINST THE GENEVA CONVENTION DIDN’T THEY SAY IF TRANSFERED TO THE UNITED STATES THAT WOULD GIVE THEM LEGAL RIGHT THAT AMERICANS HAVE AND WOULD BE UNDER OUR LAW’S AND NOT MILITARY LAW THERE OR ELEMINATING THE GENEVA CONVINTION. HUM I THINK JOE IS SMARTER THAN ALL OF THEM OR YOU ACLU IT IS TIME TO ALSO PUT THEM IN JAIL THEY RE RUINING OUR COUNTRY.
[...] Random Feed wrote an interesting post today onHere’s a quick excerptby Gary Graham THIS JUST IN: In a surprise move today, the outspoken and controversial Sheriff of Maricopa County, Arizona, stated that he’d be happy to take the inmates of Gitmo and provide for them “appropriate and hospitable accommodations.” When questioned in a press conference what those ‘appropriate’ accommodations would entail, the spirited Sheriff was quoted as saying, “Oh, you’ll find out. Our recidivism rate here is nearly zero. For some reason inmates, [...]
You know, I think I would be okay with Gitmo closing if Sheriff Joe was taking them. Something tells me he might make them wear bacon hats. Actually, I might take one prisoner in now. I can build a cage… er human prison habitat… in my garage. I don’t think it would take long before you would eat the daily bacon cakes. And i’m sure he’d love the ham shirt and pork pants.
Okay, thats mean, but i’m not sorry. pig made clothing is nicer then what they do with captured Westerners.
Maybe i’d just buy a pig to keep in the change with the detainee. I’m not completely evil though, i would give him a TV to watch, I’d just conviently leave it stuck on CMT.
GUFFAW!
God bless Sheriff Joe, he’s done wonders for the crime rate here in Maricopa County.
Go Cards!
How come no Libs have volunteered to house them in their big-carbon-footprint homes? Comfy house arrest, kinda. What are they ascared of?? What an opp’rtunity to give peace a chance and to show the terrorists who mean us harm that we mean THEM no harm. “Tea and cookies anyone?”
==God bless Sheriff Joe, he’s done wonders for the crime rate here in Maricopa County.==
He has, and I’m gonna vote for him again and again, and I don’t care what any Lib thinks about it, either.
I voted for McCain in the prez election cuz he was the only alternative. Now that he’s back to bein’ a wussie-weenie moderate maverick, he can take his Gang of 14 and shove it cuz I will vote for his opponent in the primary. Moderates are the problem. You can be partisan and still work with others without surrendering.
I. Have. Had. It.
The sad part is, with America’s Toughest Media Hound(tm), you never can be sure what is parody and what is a press release from his office…
Well-done.
Sounds like a win-win deal to me!
Mr. Incredible
We now have 2 votes against McCain in 2010. Let’s get it rolling.
Love it! They’d look cute sweating in pink.
[...] I just LOVE Sheriff Joe! [...]
==Mr. Incredible
We now have 2 votes against McCain in 2010. Let’s get it rolling.==
I’ve been angry with him for a little while now cuz he’s on that fence and, thus, unreliable. I didn’t vote for a Democrat when I voted for him, and I expect him to represent my Conservative interests, not some stupid Lib interests. But no, and I understand that there has to be a “get along” attitude and that a person has to do the right thing, but he also should do the right thing according to the partisanship that got him elected, too. Trying to appease the Lib crybabies does not work, and I don’t do it and I expect him not to do it, and I’m gonna do my part to see to it, in the next primary, that he doesn’t get the chance to mess with our flow again, so there.
==The Misunderstood Combatants… — a new Democrat constituency.==
As long as Libs are getting illegals, the dead and felons to vote for them, they may as well get terrorists to vote for them, too! No reason to leave them out, is there.
==Are playing Barry Manillow tunes round the clock a breach of the Geneva convention? ==
The Libs — who would bestow Rights, as criminal defendants, on terrorists captured in battle — would say, “yes,” cuz they empathize with the terrorists who say that the music changes their genes, or somethin’, but are, really, just trying to plan their next attacks in peace and quiet. Libs want the terrorists to have a chance to beat the system, and, in the military system, they don’t have as much of a chance, having been caught, red-handed, in battle. So, the criminal system is not adequate to handle that. In a wartime situation, the enemy is guilty, unless proved not guilty.
The Geneva Convention, by the way, says that terrorists, spies and saboteurs are not protected by it. They are not uniformed and represent no country, and you can’t tell them apart from civilians. That’s why.
Oh, if only the prisoners were sent to Maricopa County for real. The thought of the prisoners in pink seems like such appropriate punishment for these animals. I love it!
This constitutes inhumane treatment of pigs. Nancy Pelosi might have something to say about that.
Jack Marino: hey Rambo, you really need to chill out. Does your family allow you to play with the silverware?
What a freakin’ nutjob!
I wonder if we couldn’t turn the detainees at camp Gitmo into productive members of society. I hear there is a prominent combat style gun range outside of Las Vegas call Front Sight, perhaps the former detainees could be given work as target holders.
Now this is an idea I could get behind! To add to it, make them listen to a repeating loop of “It’s a Small World After All”, or an entire PBS Pledge drive. If that doesn’t break them, nothing will.
Sheriff Joe will set the “right tone” for the detainees. They have it too nice at Gitmo.
Hmmm….. So I don’t get it – Where is the funny part? I think he ought to incorporate the two hole method of occupational therapy for prisoners as well – one group digs a hole in the desert, a good eight to ten hours of hard labor. The next day another group comes in to fill it up. Seven days a week, 52 weeks a year and I think they will have a very different outlook on life. GO Sheriff Joe!
JOAN
Now that’s CHANGE I CAN BELIEVE IN. Would love to see their Frist 100 days on PuffHo.
Can we send Murtha & Frankin to Arizona also ?
[...] another proposed Gitmo site: Sheriff Joe Arpaio: Close Gitmo, I’ll Take ‘em! Possibly related posts: (automatically generated)Obama’s Gitmo Alternative: Neverland Ranch [...]
Sheriff joe is a great idea. I have one better. Send them to Leavonworth, into
general population. For same strange reason, I don’t think they would be around long enough to worry about humane treatment.
ACLU lawyer Harold B. Dikwahd???
Gary, thanks for taking what has been a really, really bad day and ending it on such a high note.
Outstanding Gary!! Hollywood libs must be getting indigestion reading your columns. After all, a liberal never met a terrorist, er “freedom fighter” it didn’t like. How on earth did you navigate these fools for so many years when you were a top actor? I honor your courage and truthfulness. We need more of you.
This is a good’un!
“Innocent” released Guantanamo terrorists appear on Al Qaeda website:
http://www.google.com/hostednews/afp/article/ALeqM5hZfIcWnHqBz4kQR90lC_pXaHeW4Q
Libs and especially Hollywood liberals just don’t get it, and won’t until muslim terrorists stike Los Angeles…….hmmm mixed feelings about that. It sure would be nice for the kumbiyah, clueless to finally wake up.
It’s so ironic to have liberals happily support the right to kill babies in an abortion clinic, but adamantly defend the terrorists, who want to kill them, from “harsh” interrogation treatment.
“Innocent” released Guantanamo terrorists appear on Al Qaeda website:
http://www.google.com/hostednews/afp/article/ALeqM5hZfIcWnHqBz4kQR90lC_pXaHeW4Q
Libs and especially Hollywood liberals just don’t get it, and won’t until muslim terrorists strike Los Angeles. It sure would be nice for the kumbiyah, clueless to finally wake up though.
It’s so ironic to have liberals happily support the right to kill babies in an abortion clinic, but adamantly defend the terrorists, who want to kill all of us, from “harsh” interrogation treatment.
As an Arizonan, I’m 100% for this idea. IF ONLY!
[...] Sheriff Joe Arpaio: Close Gitmo, I’ll Take ‘em! [...]
That would be superb! Your writing brightens my day indeed.
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