Support for Polanski Explained: The ‘Cinematic Immunity’ Clause

by Ernie Mannix

SECTION 23. PART A:

THE CINEMATIC IMMUNITY CLAUSE

This contract’s previously mentioned  HOLLYWOOD STAR, having surpassed all normal standards of importance, (and now seeking revenge for being a high school nerd); shall not be held responsible for any and all of the following crimes, misdemeanors, torts, or traffic infractions:

  1. Throwing chairs and injuring assistants or standers by.
  2. Tantrums of any variety, in addition to chair or other furniture throwing.
  3. Double-dipping in the Craft Service table Salsa bowls.
  4. Driving around the cars of the ‘little people’ lined up at the security gate with your middle finger out.
  5. Carbon foot-printing like a freakin’ Sasquatch Beeeotch.
  6. Scratching your ass inside your pants then grabbing a handful of M&M’s from the bowl at the snack table.
  7. Telling your P.A. “You f—ing  piece of sh-t, I told you I wanted to order lunch at 12:25 EVERY DAY! Not even a minute f—ing later or earlier you f—ing piece of sh-t.”
  8. Not showing up at the Cast & Crew Screening.
  9. Not showing up for your private screening.
  10. Refusing to start  the private screening until someone ‘gets their head out of their ass and gets some friggin’decent popcorn!‘.
  11. Having the flunky at the office fire someone in the afternoon that you told was doing an ‘aweome job mate!’ in the morning.
  12. Stealing good story ideas and taking credit for them.
  13. Stealing bad story ideas then blaming them on someone else.
  14. Any other form of lying.
  15. Never signaling while driving (drunk or otherwise.)
  16. Complete phoniness, arrogance, and viciousness.
  17. Utter contempt for all the people you clawed at and climbed over to get to the immune state.
  18. Bad tipping.
  19. No tipping.
  20. Not caring if someone is sick, or even dying and then demanding to know why they are late.
  21. Bringing your dog to the sound stage and demanding he/she have spring water and non cruelty organic fresh food.
  22. Having the P.A. clean up the dog poop.
  23. Never paying your fair share for the Starbucks run.
  24. Leaving before the check comes to go somewhere ‘important’.
  25. Punching your assistant for getting you a Business class seat.
  26. Punching your assistant for anything else.
  27. Insulting the lunch lady at the commissary for serving non ‘whole’ wheat bread, especially if she’s ugly.
  28. Drugs.
  29. Demanding everyone align their political thinking with yours; or else.
  30. Smashing someones car with a 9 iron.
  31. Smashing the craft service table with a putter.
  32. 9 Ironing Chicken Tamales into the feet of your assistant whilst yelling “PICK IT UP! PICK IT F—ING UP!’
  33. Any other use of sporting equipment to destroy or abuse.
  34. Screaming “DO YOU FREAKING KNOW WHO I AM?!”
  35. Making everyone wait – constantly.
  36. Flipping over the craft service table because there aren’t any Biscotti.
  37. Demanding your Green Tea be from Sri Lanka.
  38. Demanding all spellings be of the British variety – such as; Colour, Favour, Cheque etc.
  39. Demanding your luxury trailer and adjoining large sand coloured tent are a perfect 69 degrees, at 43% humidity, then demanding the A.D.  get another Semi loaded with generators to make it just so.
  40. Demanding everyone on the set conserve energy.
  41. Demanding your office be painted with non-odorous natural dye paint. Colour: Sand.
  42. Screaming “IT’S MY F—ING MOVIE YOU NOBODY!” at 1 am in a hotel room hallway.
  43. Kicking the maid in the hind quarters for not giving you higher thread-count sheets.
  44. Throwing a telephone at the Bell Boy’s hind quarters for not finding you Blueberry juice at 4 am.
  45. Drunk driving, having an accident, leaving the scene, scoffing at the injured.
  46. Rape of a 13 Year old girl or boy.

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Posted Oct 1st 2009 at 11:32 am in Celebrity News, Culture, Politics | 95 Comments