White House Interoffice Memo:
by Ernie Mannix
FROM: POTUS
TO: All White House Staff, Ms. O.W., Rev. W., Mr. W.A.
CC: MSNBC, NBC, CNBC, CBS, ABC, CNN, NPR, COMEDY CENTRAL.
RULE #1:
Beginning this Friday, we are eliminating all references to, either verbally or physically; the notion of ‘problems’ of any sort.
No admittance of, or complaint about, a ‘problem’ whether previous or present shall be verbalized, text-ed, emailed, noted, teleprompted, signed, mimed, smoke signaled, transferred, dreamt about, slept with, interpretively danced, pig called, semaphored, channeled, Morse coded or telepathed in any language known now or that may be discovered or created by men, aliens or Canadians in perpetuity forever and ever, amen.
A positive assessment of any situation however grave must be presented before the American public, and more importantly the greater world at large, on a continuing and ongoing basis. Failure to do this might hurt our chances for GREATER CHANGE AND MEGA HOPE 2012. (Logo to follow after Pepsi suit or royalty is settled.)
RULE #2:
SHOULD IN THE EVENT A PROBLEM (see rule #1) gets through to the press, culpability of any said problem (see rule #1), is to be avoided at all costs. Any possible responsibility for any such problem (see rule #1) shall be immediately supplanted with blame placed on one or more of the following persons or entities:
1. George W. Bush
2. A Republican Cabal
3. Rush Limbaugh
4. Fox News/Sean Hannity
5. Numbers 1 through 4 together
6. Guns
7. Global Warming
8. Global Warming from manufacture of guns
9. Global Warming from Right Wing Cabal Blogs
10. Bad Vibes
11. Walmart
12. Global Warming started by Walmart’s low low prices
13. Need for Fairness Doctrine
14. Lack of Fairness Doctrine / too many conservative talk radio stations, causing Global Warming
15. Big Oil
16. George Bush’s Big Oil
17. George Bush’s Big Oil causing Global Warming
18. Need for another Stimulus, and it being prevented by George Bush
19. Peanut Butter with Salmonella
20. Inheriting George Bush’s Peanut Butter Salmonella problem
21. Katrina
22. Global Warming starting Katrina
23. George Bush rooting for Global Warming to start Katrina
24. Dick Cheney asking Satan to increase Global Warming
25. Lack of George Bush’s ability to reach out to despots
26. George Bush creating the despots
27. Lack of any real despots in the world
28. The “Snuggie”
29. “Snuggie” Company (allegedly) run by gun toting Jack Daniel’s drinking Republicans
30. Big Hollywood’s (alleged) drunken, JD drinking, gun toting, cabal of writers
31. Andrew Breitbart’s ‘Alexander Hamilton’ hairdo
SUPPORTING BEHAVIORS:
Mannerisms, and reactions, as well as light hearted demeanor lend to the air of problem free (see Rule #1) governing.
POTUS, shall include one or more of the following:
1. Late Night talk show appearances.
2. Cracking wise on the Late Night shows with possible edgy material as to deflect from any possible (real) problems (see rule #1).
3. Dressing as casual as possible and bounding down the Air Force One stairs with an extra snappy salute.
4. POTUS clapping hands at himself after POTUS speaks.
Other WH staff may want to develop and practice these behaviors:
1. When asked about a problem (see Rule #1) by an unfriendly reporter, (cc’d parties excluded of course 
), deflect away from the question by thanking at length everyone in the room.
2. Pat enemy reporter on the back and tell him or her that you haven’t heard of what they are talking about, but will surely look into it.
3. If enemy reporter is persistent, suggest they ask or look into any of the persons or entities listed above in Rule #2.
4. If still unsatisfied, suggest the reporter is part of the Republican cabal and may be drunk.
Thank you for your attention to this matter and remember 2012 GREATER CHANGE AND MEGA HOPE 2012 work starts now!
Special shout out to K.O. and C.M from MSNBC. (Authors of Rule #2) Excellent work guys.
Email this to a friend | Print |
Share on Facebook
| Tweet this
| 
Follow Us on Twitter
Subscribe via RSS
Tips & Feedback
79 Comments
I love it! Hey, I'm a JD drinker AND I post to Big Hollywood, can I join y'all and call myself part of the Big Hollywood cabal of writers? Or maybe we can form a Big Hollywood cabal of posters.
Whatever it is, I want in!
Contact me later Im drinking.
I thought the Pepsi logo came after the official hopeychangey logo.
Did Obama steal from Pepsi? Can I go back to drinking Mountain Dew Livewire now?
But later *I'LL* be drinking!
I just woke up this morning, so I decided to give it at least a half hour before I cracked my first beer.
A couple of comments/questions:
10. Bad Vibes – all Barry needs is another good luck charm to counter the vibes if the rabbit's foot isn't working.
12. Global Warming started by Walmart’s low low prices – I thought Barry loved Walmart, 'cause they only sell Chinese-made products. Want to sell to Walmart? send all your manufacturing to China to increase their profit margins.
24. Dick Cheney asking Satan to increase Global Warming – Didn't they say that Dick Cheney IS Satan?
27. Lack of any real despots in the world – our POTUS is working on that lack right now. You didn't think he'd stop at POTUS, did you?
Under "Supporting Behaviors"
4. If still unsatisfied, suggest the reporter is part of the Republican cabal and may be drunk. – Do you think this could explain some of what's coming from the mouth of Joe Biden? Not the Republican cabal thing.
31.) Mocking Right Wing Radical Bloggers
And Ernie, this means you!
A more efficient solution might be for them to simply BAN the word "problem" from the language during
the Glorious Reign of Obama the First.
This could be dealt with by the same Royal Revolutionary Council (Co Chairpersons: Willie Ayers, Prof. Ward Churchill, Prof. Angela Davis; and the Rev. Jeremiah Wright as Supreme Spiritual Advisor) that will be given the all-important task of confiscating and revising each and every reactionary capitalist textbook in the land.
I was wondering the same exact thing: can we count ourselves as part of the cabal of writers? i have the JD, along with some Shiner if allowed in. If it helps, I'm also packing. Pew Pew Pew!
excellent piece, but did the teleprompter have any input?
At work, JD bottle in hand and gun in holster, posting to as many big hollywood blogs as possible to increase global warming and thus, soften the harsh winters we get here in Michigan.
Hilarious Ernie!! Thanks for the laugh! Snuggies are comic gold!
Awesome, pattiann! If we need any, I have scotch and Irish Whiskey if we run out of JD. We'll make it a party.
YEAH! The Big Hollywood Party – we can run a candidate in 2012. They can keep the donkeys and elephants, our party logo will be the big square bottle with the black label.
We should all wear snuggies at the convention!
Just one observation regarding # 20.
20. Inheriting George Bush’s Peanut Butter Salmonella problem
Did W inherit Jimmy Carter's peanut plantation?
Hey, I thought it was T(eleprompter)OTUS! Great post Ernie. Very funny!
Hey, that's *exactly* what I was going to say. Great minds think alike.
5. If still unsatisfied, take the offensive reporter to the basement, strap him in a wooden chair and play the greatest speeches of Joe Biden on an endless loop. If still unsatiifed, play the greatest speeches of Hillary Clinton. After 24 hours of this endless torture, waterboarding would be a welcomed next step.
[...] Ernie Mannix finds a Memo… [...]
Can I bring my case…er, bottle of Marker's Mark? I don't own a WMD yet, but I have a pretty big pen! I've always wanted to be a cabal! Before this I only dared hope to be just rabble. See, dreams can come true! {{{sniff, sniff}}
This would be funny but it is too true, and therefore, sad.
The list is great Ernie! If you don't like the administration at least you can laugh at them, and make an evil capitalistic, global warming, environmentally unfriendly buck at their expense.
Dang It Ernie. you told me I could read this while drinking my coffee. Now I have coffee everywhere. rofl
As always.. thank you for your talented and humorous insights.
"dreams can come true" LOL!! I love this Board. You people are great!
This cannot be an accurate White House list.
There's not a single mention of blaming Sarah Palin on here.
Hey, if you just change "problem" to "opportunity" then the columns practically write themselves for the MSM. Observe my fictional piece for the NYT (they really should hire me–I charge less than Jayson Blair):
"Geithner's tax opportunities have some Republicans fuming about a 'systemic flow' of opportunities in the Obama administration. 'This isn't just one opportunity,' said one anonymous Republican source, as quoted by a Democrat who overhead the discussion and relayed it to the New York Times. 'There are literally dozens of opportunities with the Obama administration.'"
If there is JD, I want in. And even more in if there is Mannix.
*MissQuinn*
I was playing with my gun and reading my bible while bitterly clinging to both. When, BOOM, my gun went off shot my bottle of Jack which was ignited by my miniature burning cross which burned my bible. But, don't worry libs, it also torched my flag so now i'm just like you.
I'm would be glad just to see this phony actually WORKING! Most working POTUS's get to their desk before dawn and GO TO WORK! Thank you Ernie for intercepting this memo proving that something is actually happening in the Oval Office.
Both here…hiccup.
lol.
Very astute observation….we're watching you dustrider…the President is not pleased by your insolence…(imagine Hussein sitting in his giant wingback chair petting his kitty…)
Canadians. LOL!
So is this why we haven't seen Biden in a while?? I'm sure the Special Circumstances Supporting Document concerning him was too long to publish. Did they just lock him in a closet?
Hey, our slogan could be "LOL 2012 +1"
Too unwordy?
Working?? Huh?
Scandalous memo! But they left out a major global concern – "wiping one's ass with more than one square of toilet paper." Heads are sure to roll!
He's touring Outer Mongolia as part of a "special trade mission". The W.H. is hoping he gets lost for, oh, about three and a half more years.
Extra snappy. Good stuff. : )
This must be the "Hope" and "Change" the almighty O promised us. We've graduated from a conspiracy to a cabal. Yep, moving up in the world
Your Pappy is a wise man. I say we converge on Jamesb’s house and the Maker’s Mark, yum! I put forward we make MM our official drink of this newly formed cabal, hear, hear?
There no such thing as a “problem” only an opportunity or a challenge, if you will, you know the old collegial horse twiddle. I agree with a post up thread this could be disinformation, no mention of Sarah Palin, Bristol, Levi, etc., you know the important stuff.
[...] in the print edition we asked whether Limbaugh’s defense of “produers” included the folks White House Interoffice Memo: – bighollywood.breitbart.com 03/24/2009 FROM: POTUS TO: All White House Staff, Ms. O.W., Rev. [...]
Are you guys telling me the list isn't real?
TOTUS
he said something to the effect of,,,
"who would have thought a year ago that iraq would be the least of my problems?"
well, anyone who supported the surge and had some faith in the american military would have.
32. Start old voice-over campaign speech if teleprompter malfunctions. Blame Palin and old Republican right-wing conspirators for infiltration and removal of PBHO's brain, which was placed in a rectangular black box with a round white globe on top, and tied in with light rays to a complex control panel. Unfortunately, dependent advanced civilization all made hard-left turns immediately upon activation, turned into each other's traffic lanes, and became extinct.
Okay, sit tight, I'll bring Jamaican Patties and white rum to seal the deal.
Just stay… right …there.
*MissQuinn*
secret cabal memberships available now – http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&...
I don't drink, but I'll volunteer to be the designated driver of the evil greenhouse-gas-producing Hummer limo.
Everyone will need to chip in for gas, though – we've got to keep those profits going to Big Oil.
(Side note – one of my blog banners: http://tooold2bcool.diaryland.com/images/bigoil.j... )
I don't drink, but I'll volunteer to be the designated driver of the evil greenhouse-gas-producing Hummer limo.
Everyone will need to chip in for gas, though – we've got to keep those profits going to Big Oil.
(Side note – one of my blog banners: http://tooold2bcool.diaryland.com/images/bigoil.j... )
I don't drink, but I'll volunteer to be the designated driver of the evil greenhouse-gas-producing Hummer limo.
Everyone will need to chip in for gas, though – we've got to keep those profits going to Big Oil.
(Side note – one of my blog banners: http://tooold2bcool.diaryland.com/images/bigoil.j...)
I've always wanted to be part of a "cabal" too, will there be secret handshakes and everything? Please, please, please!
Yes, you people here exude awesomeness, that's a fact.
LOL! Now that was funny, kudos sir!
I'm waiting for the inevitable Elaine Bennis ad campaign, done up like the original WWI Uncle Sam posters with a stern fingerpoint and the legend: Can YOU spare a square?
Mr. Mannix, you are indeed The Man when it comes to not only making me laugh, but putting me in a properly snarky mood for the day. Kudos, sir!
I'm waiting for the inevitable Elaine Bennis ad campaign, done up like the original WWI Uncle Sam posters with a stern fingerpoint and the legend: "Can YOU spare a square?"
Years ago, I had the temerity to order JD in a bar in Kentucky. Big mistake! I cant't repeat what the bartender and regular patrons said, but I tried MM and I am still drinking Maker's Mark today. Sorry all you JD drinkers. MM is actually better.
I'm waiting for the inevitable Elaine Bennes ad campaign, done up like the original WWI Uncle Sam posters with a stern fingerpoint and the legend: "Can YOU spare a square?"
ya, that's whole Kentucky v. Tenn. thing….
Maybe we can trade him to Mexico in exchange for something useful. Oh, I forgot O just trashed NAFTA…well, maybe someone has an idea what we can trade him for.
The teleprompter is aquiring knowledge at an exponential rate…it started out equal with Bammy's brain, now it's rivaling AL GORE! Pretty soon it will pass all Democrats and catch up with my house cat.
If Carter peanut farms like he was president the Iranians will be occupying his farm in Plains and burning Uncle Sam in effigy while shouting "Death to America" ….Carter will watch and do nothing, it's his style.
That's fairly close to we're TOasT, US!
Hey, "ShamWow" openly advertises that their product is made in Germany, you know, Vince says so….so any product associated withe der Furher's country MUST BE A GOP PLOT! Right?
http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&...
Biden's research other people's family histories for his biography.
I'm not sure I know the poster you're talking about? ;-P
Biden's out researching other people's family histories for his biography.
Biden's out researching other people's family histories for his autobiography.
No pun intended right?
I disagree that Carter will do nothing. He will build them homes.
How about "LOLS 2012 +1"? Or maybe "LOLZ" to be really cabal-edgy.
I like that idea. Adding Animal-Fuzzy Slippers.
+ Decoder rings.
Please, link it up. The seller claims to be unemployed and in need of some extra cash.
Ooo, I like that!
Probably not… to tell the truth.
Ooo, I like that! Especially if they are coal-heated, endangered species fuzzy slippers.
We're LOL assuming that awesome humor has struck, but, LawHawkSF may have a point…the memo is only a joke to us, I/m not sure Podesta/Soros aren't seeing it as a leak and are not looking for a party traitor to purge as we speak. Also, is there dues for the cabal?
You must be logged in to post a comment.