Inside the Head of Keith Olbermann
by Ernie Mannix
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Wake up……
Realize it’s a very big world that has changed for the better, and that world is waiting for me to help it. They love me so very much.
Sports: I know it all.
Politics, huh, as smart as the coolness of my hair.
I am a lib-er-al God.
I AM a news impresario.
I,… Me,… Mine… and loving it.
It is all about me.
Hellooo mirror.
Hellooooo you handsome devil. Fringe benny of shaving.
Obama is just dying to come on my show, and shake MY hand for getting him elected. The hell with Leno,… we can’t figure out what sides he’s on anyway. Imagine an entertainer not voicing strong opposition to… well….everything. Guess that’s why he’s being banished to prime time…. Ha, how uncool.
MSNBC should give me half their stock. I rule completely. And it comes across on camera doesn’t it. I kind of undress the camera, don’t I.
Where’s my houseboy?
Scrangi!
Scrangi!
Where the hell are my new Oliver Peoples? These are my old Gucci’s. I specifically told you to PEOPLES!”
“Mr. Olbermann; Mr. Mathews called and wants to know if you want to prank call Governor Bobby Jindal again.”
“Ohhh God, no Scrangi. Tell Mathews to grow up. No never mind, tell him to prank call Cheney again. PULL!
No not you Scrangi, it’s a Cheney joke.”
O’Reilly is the so the lowest rated show on television………..O…..O’…O’Re….O’REIL…..O’REILL…… ohh God…….not now..
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Ughhhhhhhhh….. okay.
I am gonna go to breakfast. Tavern on the Green, window seat. They wave, I ignore.
Put on my suit. Damn there goes a button.
I kinda look like a cooler version of Elvis Costello with these specs don’t I?
Way cooler.
Now who is gonna be the Worst Person tonight, Ha, I have so much power and people really pay attention to that segment don’t they?
Heh-Heh-Heh. Power indeed. Maybe the worst person should be O’R…
No… not tonight.
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124 Comments
I'm glad he got at least half-canned during election season. What a hack.
I think we're missing a closing boldface tag.
I thought that Greg Gutfeld was the only person in New York who had houseboys?
Anyways be careful about how many times you mention Olby's name Ernie. They say that if you mention his name three times in succession he'll suddenly appear in the room. He must be some sort of ghost like Beetlejuice. It really wouldn't be too shocking if there wasn't any physical matter in his head.
Question: Who is more obsessed with Bill O'Reilly? Olbermann or Stevie Colbert? Maybe Olbermann 'cuz Colbert now seems to be all over Glen Beck. Is there a conservative pundit thatis as consumed with a liberal talking head?
Inquiring minds…
This. Cracked. Me. Up.
Somehow, his thoughts seem more organized than he is on TV….
This is not even funny. Its stupid.
As someone of the liberal persuasion I have to admit I deeply dislike Olbermann and can barely stomach his show. I would think that many conservatives would feel the same way about Hannity (closer comparison than O'Reilly in my opinion). Extreme douchery isn't limited to one ideology but you guys are right about Olbermann.
I thought it was hilarious.
You forgot the baseball cards , Ernie.
An egregious error on your part.
Cookie 101, you're stupider.
I'll go with Alexander Woollcott's Algonquin Roundtable remark to a man who had just made a nasty anti-Semitic remark: "Your head is full of popcorn soaked in urine." How do you like them apples, Keith?
I would love to see SNL do a skit where olbermann is satan. Nah, that will never happen, wait a minute I think he really is.
Thanks Ernie, great as usual — cooler version of Elvis Costello! Ha!
Is it true that he still lives with his mother? Olby, that is.
I am sure you have seen the movie "The Man Who Came TO Dinner" with Monty Wolley, that is strongly based on Woolcott. HYSTERICAL. Best insult lines in cinema.
Self-referential comment win
I suspect Scrangi doesn't make nearly enough money.
And how much is half of MSNBC's stock worth these days anyway?
Aww, Keefy, did someone hurt your feelings?
As much fun as it is to mock Kith Oldermenn, you do have to feel some level of sympathy for a guy who was mocked by Ben Afllicted on SNL. I mean, c'mon, if the person they chose to mock you is a talentless * clown…..
I hate to espouse violence, but KO just got a face you'd just like to pound. Smug supercillious asshat with delusions of relevance. He needs to go back to Cable Access 2. That, or as a Wal-Mart greeter – low prices always trump a snarling personality
I'd bet Target would hire him as a Wal-Mart greeter…
You and your darn topical financial facts. You are correct 'Scrangi', pronounced "Scron-jee" was really a former stockbroker who bought half of GE stock then went busto. Now he works for Olbermann. I don't know what he gets paid , but I am sure it's not enough.
keith is that you?
shouldn't you be out tipping cows, or milking chickens or something? C'mon, put that Ag school degree to good use, ya hayseed!
Agreed. Kweef is most definitely assbeat magnet material.
Think the best he could do at Wal Mart is cart-boy.
Gutfeld knows Scrangi. Scrangi is famous for houseboying the news set. His autobio is coming out next year.
"Scrangi does Jumangi"
Ditto. To this conservative, Hannity's voice is like nails-on-a-chalkboard. He nags like my wife – neither of them can simply let it go!
"I thought that Greg Gutfeld was the only person in New York who had houseboys?"
A lot of NYC houseboys are on a work-share program: Three days a week at Gutfeld, two with Kayo, and weekend shows at the "Thai Chix Wid Dix" cabaret in Greenwich Village.
I had to get rid of our German houseboy, Shamwow. He was just so self-absorbed.
The only thing shocking about his inner monologue is that it doesn't include a constant reminder that he graduated from the REAL Cornell University.
I think what bothers me the most about some of these programs is that instead of talking about issues of the day or pointing out which government official is presenting bold face lies, again, they attack each other.
It reminds me of listening to far to many political arguments that just turn into mantra driven yelling matches.
Olberman should probably focus on something that people actually want to hear, in stead of the only 1mil that are interested in bomb throwing. It would probably help his ratings.
Hi-OOOOOO!
It's clear there is a deranged squirrel powering Olberman's brain
Amen… Hannity's voice just grates on my nerves, not to mention he just says the same things over and over… he's the conservative equivalent to Randi Rhodes. O'Reilly's not as bad, although he likes hearing himself talk way too often.
The following is what is in Olberman's head all the time:
{crickets}
Ok, that's funny. Plus it references the greatest salesman known to man. I give you the all-important +1.
When I was in high skool, we had a kid in our class who used to go around bragging that she got into "Cornell University in Mount Vernon, Iowa." I don't think she quite got what she was saying.
you know Ogremann is reading this right now and trying to stab our screen names with his cursor
They need to pay that guy to sell the Stimulus package.
No offense Dave, but you know NOTHING about being a cult leader.
No offense Dave, but you know NOTHING about being a cult leader.
OH boy. Black town cars at the house. GE goons getting out of car.
Very good theatre of the mind. I heard them.
His own trenchmouth mafia?
Yeah, I see them too, and all along I thought they were just terrorists.
I think all the cheezy actors in the HD VISION WRAP AROUND GLASSES commercial should do a skit for all us Americans acting out the positive benefits of bankrupting a nation. Then follow it up with Barney Frank blaming everyone but himself for this debacle.
Somecat…Very well put! I believe that any level-headed person should realize it goes both ways. I'm conservative but will listen to different viewpoints…it's when the hate speech begins that you lose me…completely!!! Keith, you are, by far, the most hate-filled talking head I've EVER heard on a serious show…and I've NEVER watched an entire program. I could hear it in 30 seconds of channel surfing!
NOT TERRORISTS! Man made disastorers. Get it right in this new age of Obama!
Uh Oh. They're wearing their underwear on the outside of their pants.
This really must be serious.
but at least hannity allows opposite opinions on his shows….one sided talks are not much fun
Aha! I'm not alone. Great movie. Bette Davis wasn't half-bad, either.
Every Christmas it is one of my faves. Monty Wooly rules.
wheres PRECIOUS PERFECT!!!!! wheres my darling PRECIOUS PERFECT!!!!!! PRECIOUS……..WHERE ARE YOU……
Wait… You mean to say there is actually something IN Olbermann's head…. Besides a ton of hair care products… That man is about as smart on politics as my cat is…. Anyone that takes him seriously should really change the channel and see the real world…
I like the scooter ads where they all wear the same colored shirts and pants, and they do some sort of formation scootering.
By the way, the idea of ShamWow Vince selling the stimulus is priceless. I can see Vince scolding Barney Frank now — "You keepin' up with me Congressman?!"
Does your cat wear Peoples glass?
LOL!
I'm a conservative but I have a really hard time listening to Hannity. I used to love him but now I can barely stand him. He makes me tired and worn out listening to his tired old arguements. I stopped listening to his radio show long ago. He just doesnt' have the sense of humor and charm of Rush and not nearly as smart. You probably don't like that comparison tho'. As far as Olberman goes, is there anyone more pompous and stuck on himself then he is, except for maybe Obama.
If I force him to… but then he just bites me… so I don't bother anymore…
Kweef! Ha!
Hilarious! Hilarious! Hilarious!
Dude, he didn't kick J-Lo out of his bed but he makes fun of you on TV. That was awesome!
There's ONE thing Olberman has said that has made me laugh. I have to give him credit.
" And Dick Trickle finished 7th."
"Inside the Head of Keith Olbermann"
Ewww – I just ate. Pass. :^p
Soory, My fois paux. I am with the one. Ernie, your a taskmaster!
Olberman, the Democrat's version of Gollum. Awesome….Meee sooo want my preshhhhhhhhhhhhious……as he calmly strokes a photo of Obama.
"In my years there…we Ags had sometimes to stride along, unheeding, with all possible dignity and our ears burning when some raucous Arts students would put their heads together and give 'the Cow College Yell.'It went thus: Cornell, I yell, yell, yell, Cornell.' Then a long 'Moo,' a slight pause, and finally three slow claps of the cupped hands: Flop, Flop, Flop."–History of Cornell (1960)
Apparently, Keith was not the first graduate of the Bovine Management program to be publicly humiliated.
Hey…I am offended by that word "Cult". Give me 6 hours alone with that leftist guerrilla Olbermann and I can guarantee you he will be sipping Koolaid and eating green jello, even if I have to pistol whip it into him….oh wait, I forgot I am supposed to to turn the other cheek…..dang.
Ask yourself this question, who would you like to have by your side in a foxhole, Olbermann or Ann Coulter…lol
Keith WHO ?
I think the Stimulus done in interpretive dance would be lovely.
Ernie, I mean it! Don't you ever go in Olberman's head again! It's as toxic as a Superfund site in there! You might catch something really bad.
Well Suzie, instead of my usual large mocha latte double whipcream, I bought 5 shares of NBC.
As far as what inside olbermans' head, I believe there are 2 small marbles that swirl around and when they collide, well you know what comes out of his yapper.
I agree Hannity has lost perspective while O'Reilly is farely well balanced. But Oberman is just out of control.
No. Please , God, no.
Oh crap, that's easy.
Coulter.
Olberman would piss himself
Oh my God! I can see it now, Barney Frank prancing around in a tutu "making it rain" with dollar bills… oh wait, that's just Frank on CNN.
I actually feel sorry for the teleprompter, it's not easy being the most powerful entity on the planet, as many former Presidents have said.
Well, I'm offended you're offended! LOL!
On your second point, perhaps there is a loophole — are there any prohibitions on such conduct after you run out of cheeks?
Olbermania for example.
Ha! Too funny. Yes, the poor Teleprompter probably has grounds for a worker's compensation claim. Or a pension.
Yes, he continues to be a legend in his own mind.
You could put Olberdorks face on a Jumbotron facing the enemy playing his show in a continuous loop, They would either commit mass suicide or surrender, post haste. Coulter, easy one.
There's not a doubt in my mind that Keith Olbermann was the dorkiest kid in high school, and then at Cornell Agriculture, and he is simply acting out as a means of getting over the weekly wedgies and swirlies he surely must have received…and surely deserved.
I thought there was just an echo in there.
Ah yes. The predictable distraction.
Damn it I'm going to have to scratch that off of my top 10 list of things to do in life. Your a real dream killer you know that. Then again I'm not partial to being burned alive either so maybe it's for the better.
I don't ever ask myself that question, I dream about being in a fox hole with Coulter. =D That may have been to much information.
With barfbag in hand, I occasionally venture over to Olbermann and he is still……talking ….about ….Bush….Cheney etc. Same with Rachel Maddog. C'mon….CURRENT EVENTS, Liberals!!!…..everytime someone now refers to Bush, means they don't have a response to the clear ineptitude of Obama.
I would think Savage would be closer to Rhodes in terms of viciousness.
It seems Olderman, Colbert and the other liberal have strange , deranged unfulfilled man crushes on those teddy bear conservatives like hannity and beck… Im jus sayin….
So that's where black holes come from…
There you go again, Ernie, speaking truth to (self-proclaimed) power! (Too bad so many kids watch it – but then again, he is pretty juvenile.) "Good night – and good luck!"
Keith will never be cooler than Elvis Costello. NEVER!
I'm really starting to think that Olbermann has been possessed by Edward R. Murrow's spirit. Someone call a Witchdoctor its time for a good old-fashioned exorcism. Either that or we can just send Olbermann to the looney-bin.
Actually I will agree with Hannity. I like the ideas, but his presentation leaves a lot to be desired. I keep finding myself asking, 'don't we have anyone better on our team than this guy?'
I hate to espouse violence, but KO has a face you'd just like to pound. Smug supercillious asshat with delusions of relevance. He needs to go back to Cable Access 2. That, or as a Wal-Mart greeter – low prices always trumps a snarling personality
Gutfeld knows Scrangi. Scrangi is famous for houseboying the news set. His autobio is coming out next year.
"Scrangi goes Jumangi"
nope…not seeing the Edward R. Murrow.
Getting more of a Mr. Haney from Green Acres vibe on the spirit possessing Senor Bathtub.
Sorry, My fois paux. I am with the one. Ernie, you're a taskmaster!
Here's a puzzler: Who is the biggest douchebag, Olberdork or Mathspews? I'm giving Olberdork the advantage with this question just because he's insane. Mathspews is just a fawning lapdog for the left who's still feeling that "tingle up his leg" for Obama.
Definitely possessed, but I'm not seeing Murrow so much either.
I'm leaning towards Lo Pan. You know Olbermann is just waiting to bounce up and down in his chair whilst cackling, "Indeed!" at any given moment. But this occurs most frequently whenever he pictures in his mad little mind his penultimate O'Reilly dream debate, as a reply for the question of whether or not he really intends to rule the Earth from beyond the grave.
Although in all fairness, I would expect a better vessel for Mr. Lo Pan as well. I feel almost dirty associating him with Olbermann even in jest.
That made me laugh, spoiled my breakfast, but still made me laugh.
Well played sir.
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