Things President Obama Does Instead Of Watching Stock Market:
by Ernie Mannix
1. Hides from Harry Reid in the White House’s old bowling alley.
2. Check his Blackberry’s GPS for Hillary’s location.
2a. Chooses the furthest country from Hillary’s present location and tells her to go there next.
3. Tells knee-slapping Biden Jokes.
4. Daydreams about the good old days of the campaign.
5. Compares notes with Pelosi.
6. Helps decorate the new “Census Room.”
7. Dreams up creative phrases for ‘lowering’ taxes.
8. Hums an annoying tune and shakes his head, to avoid thinking about the surge’s success.
9. Checks in with Pelosi.
10. Enters Oval Office and does some bitchin’ karate moves.
11. Asks Rahm what the Joint Chiefs do.
12. Lights up a fresh one.
13. Laughs with Axelrod about Hillary’s ‘ping pong’ route around the globe.
14. Prank phone calls McCain – tells him it’s Bob from “The Scooter Store.”
15. Checks in with Pelosi.
16. Claps his hands and pats everyone in the White House on the shoulder.
17. Meets with Steve Jobs about the new mobile invisible ”iPrompter.”
18. Freaks out White House tourists by yelling at them: “How the Hell did you get in here?!”
19. Freaks out Biden by yelling at him: “How the Hell did you get in here?!”
20. Calls Bill Clinton and laughs with him about Hillary’s ‘ping pong’ route around the globe.
21. Calls Oprah and asks how his military salute looks.
22. Practices military salute in the mirror.
23. Reads Rush’s latest radio transcript.
24. Asks Biden; ‘What ever happened to Code Pink?’
25. Meets with hypnotist to help him quit smoking and to stop saying ‘ummm’ and ‘uhhhh’.
25. Reads Big Hollywood and takes down names.
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25. Meets with hypnotist to help him quit smoking and to stop saying ‘ummm’ and ‘uhhhh’
Despite my extensive experience, I was unable to help him quit smoking or to stop mumbling ummm; but I WAS at least able to help him deliver a snappy, jaunty military salute to himself every time he looks in the mirror.
reads mothers dog eared copy of Marx and Engles' Communist Manifesto, and is TAKING NOTES!
Nice dude, you've helped your country.
reads his mother's dog eared copy of Marx and Engles' Communist Manifesto, and is TAKING NOTES!
His stares into the mirror, looking deep in his own eyes, searching for a soul, any SOUL!
26. Gets annoyed when he realizes there's no higher position he can start running for.
27. Sees if UN will create a world leader position for him.
28. Keeps searching closet for new clothes his tailor made for him and can't find them
29. Works on new book: The Audacity of my Awesomeness
30. Searches for other places to stash those unaccounted for TARP funds now that Switzerland is no longer safe for anonymous accounts
LOL 26 + 27.
26. Spends an inordinate amount of time in the mirror practicing his "concerned look," "thoughtful look," and "what look to express when the teleprompter goes out look" which are all actually the same look.
26 Checks himself out in the mirror for the 33rd time today. Can never look too good.
27. Pratices his pose, head lifted slightly uptilted, there thats got just the right Hero Quality
28. Calls Harry Ried and tells him to quit bothering Pelosi, after all she has a country to run.
Works his rosetta stone german, in order to read Das Kapital and Communist Manifesto in original language.
Hits the basketball court to shore up his weak and puny game-
Dude just can't go right.
haha!
Watches reruns of Star Trek to glean insight on how to deal with Klingon mate.
26. Flips through Quick Quarter searching for next dignitary's gift.
31. Has Michelle tell him what to do- after she checks with her live-in mother.
40. Has dog walk him.
41. Has Billy Ayers right new book for him.
42. Finds Code Pink, much to his dismay.
Condemns overnight DJ at KJMB-AM of Ft. Wayne, IN in national address due to DJ stating "the Dow appears to have come down some".
Crafts bigger and bigger new spending bills.
Schedules shopping trip to Dollar Store in Anacostia, MD to stock up on gifts for visiting European dignitaries.
Searches for new single word, post-election slogan to replace "hope" and "change"- comes up with "Stifle.", "What?" and "Ooopsie!".
Contacts Merriam and Webster to have new definition added to the word "Stimulus"-
Stimulus (v)- The activity whereby individual wealth is destroyed through process of collectivist government malfeasance, and crushing stupidity.
Reviews uniform designs for Civilian Defense Force announced in Boulder, CO speech- is angered because shirts "don't have enough brown in them".
You guys and gals are in rare form. All hysterical.
Puts finishing touches on third autobiography- "Nightmares of your Country- A story of Facism and Retribution"
Attends Chief of Staff's dance recital in order to ask afterward about plan to steal Census.
Has phone sex with Chris Matthews while Keith Oberman touches himself while listening on speaker phone.
Spends $20,000 at Sunglass Hut and Joy of Beading store in Georgetown Park Mall.
Returns $10,000 of purchases, tells wife he "cut our debt in half".
26. Practices ebonics for next trip into the city to get his haircut.
Ernie, this was fantastic!! Everyone was hilarious! Reads BH and takes names! LOL!! How about…
26. Wonders why G.W. Bush didn't leave him a book full of cool secrets about hidden treasure.
27. Tries to collect winnings from Spanish Lottery to keep deficit promise.
28. Shorts stock market before planning next speech.
29. Tries to figure out why image of Rush Limbaugh has been burned into his telepromoters.
30. Looks for box big enough to return Statue of Liberty to France.
Calls Hugo Chavez to ask for advice on purchasing parrots and berets.
And the late night hosts can't think of anything funny about this doofus.
Anon- wow, that'll leave a mark.
Well done.
Don't forget "Ice Blue", "Freeze, Capitalist!", and "Saucy Socialist pout" looks.
30 is the best one yet! Kudos! hahahahahah
Uses his teleprompter for Family Home Night Karaoke.
Glances in the mirror (for the 8th time so far today), notices an abundance of gray hairs. Decides to keep them–he now looks decidedly "presidential."
David Letterman eat your heart out, you've got nothing on this!
26. Puts Hugo Chavez on his speed-dial.
27. Calls together a summit to brainstorm Wednesday night party games at the White House.
28. Practices new ways to insult other visiting allies.
29. Finally finds Joe Biden "that web site number."
30. Writes another memoir: The Audacity of Ruining the United States in 100 Days.
http://the100mostannoyingthings.blogspot.com/
Writes angry letter to Amazing Spiderman editors about the new Gwen Stacy story arc.
Upset about his grey hair, he issues a press release saying his folicles aren't the folicles he knew.
The last place to hide from Harry Reid is in the Whitehouse bowling alley. Harry runs that room.
If I wasn't so terrified by the thought of Joe Biden running the show, I'd have given O.M.G. some really nasty post-hypnotic suggestions that would have gotten him impeached (such as, for instance, demanding that the New York Times rename itself "American Pravda"; or forcing Nancy Pelosi and/or Harry Reid to perform a "Lewinski" on him during their next visit to the oval office; or appointing Jeremiah Wright as the next Supreme Court Justice; or Bernie Madoff as the next head of the S.E.C; or Rosie O'Donnell as head of the C.I.A…..).
Orders a fleet of biofuel busses to throw his cabinet members and other staff under.
Tools thru the WH gift shop looking for a spiffy 4th of July celebration flag pin as a gift for his meeting with the Queen of England next month.
Issues an edict mandating that all Obama quotes be printed in red.
issues executive order reversing the louisiana purchase
28 and 30. Giggle-D-Teehee
makes michele's homies from the black panthers the new joint chiefs
All reliably chuckleworthy. Nice job Jaime.
Very true!
31.Goes duck-hunting with Dick Cheney ….. Oh, I didn't really say that did I ?
32. Decides to actutally start to take the job of president seriously and stops doing photo ops and speeches that showcase 25 jobs created ( for only 1 year ) on the same day that it's announced that over 650,000 more people are out of work.
[...] Snort Worthy 2009 March 8 by groovyvic “Things President Obama Does Instead Of Watching The Stock Market“ [...]
- Works on his Six Degrees of Barak Obama Hollywood Star List
- Drafts his "All Kenyan Citizens are automatically Americans Citizens" package (just in case).
- Prank tweets Rush Limbaugh
- Photoshops his head onto Mt. Rushmore
- After much reflection, signs an executive order changing the name to Mr. Barrymore
Letterman would never offend Obama. That is not comedy, only funny if you directy it the other side.
26. When told it is the New York Stock Exchange, not the Chicago Stock yards, says "I knew that"
Or has the text on U.S. currency changed to: "in Obama we trust".
Then mandates that the same text be placed on Cuban, Venezuelan, North Korean, and Gazan currency.
Which is proudly altered by decree in all those lands the very next day.
26. Messes with Joe
Are you saying he makes bad decisioins?
Are you saying he makes bad decisions?
Letterman thinks he's funny, edgy, an equal opportunity offender, note the word "thinks." If he sat for weeks trying to come up with a list like this one, he wouldn't have more than three entries and they'd all be: "Tries to deal with mess left by Bush."
Hey Letterman, if you're listening, call Ernie, he'll revive your show!
OMG I sprayed 7 Up all over my screen and keyboard!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Contemplates how he can get Congress to approve joining the EU. (This one actually scares the crap out of me.)
Man, that's a visual I can do without.
31. Has trouble finishing "US Government for Dummies" book
32. Gets upset when kids steal his crayons. He needs them to finish "For Dummies" Book
33. Is shocked when told US has no more money to spend
34. Replies "But…uh…we still have…uh…checks in our…uh…checkbook"
Shucks, he'll have to take a number.
Billary has had their eye on 26 & 27 for a while now.
extends black history month to year round celebration
invades kenya gives it immediate statehood
retroactive to about 1950
ponders what gift to present to the "moderate Taliban" during the upcoming "reach out and hug someone" summit
26. Challenges Biden to an arm-wrestling match with Michelle. Again.
27. Signs the Family Christmas Newsletter without reading it.
28. Installs seatbelt on Pelosi's chair.
Hysterical. I'm crying.
Workin' on his portrait of Shepard Fairey.
Award +10pts. for Anon being able to write this without the horror of it permanently blinding him or requiring constant, aggressive, and heavily medicated therapy sessions.
I'm saying it's like hiding from Pelosi by running in to the Whitehouse plastic surgeon's office.
Forget the late-night shows. We've got Big Hollywood for the best comedy! I've read some really funny stuff here.
Squirrels away kickback cash from shorting visiting dignitaries gift packages, but becomes upset that Switzerland won't keep it secret anymore. Then moves it under mattress in order to have SOMETHING in common with an average citizen.
26) Mumbles over and over, PRICE to earnings, PRICE to earnings, PRICE to earnings……….
27) Makes note to self, NEVER EVER try to sound like you understand the stock market.
[...] is an integral part … by Steve Blalock Viral Bigelow’s Replay: WCW Nitro 3/3/97 – Things President Obama Does Instead Of Watching Stock Market: – bighollywood.breitbart.com 03/07/2009 1. Hides from Harry Reid in the White House’s old bowling [...]
- Takes secret meetings with Brad Pitt and George Clooney to plan his post-Presidency movie career
(beginning with that re-interpretation of Braveheart).
[...] schedule, of sorts. Share and Enjoy: These icons link to social bookmarking sites where readers can share and [...]
I laughed so hard and so long at this one… I got a headache.
That's funny… unless you live in that part of the country.
Great article Ernie, you brought out some of the best in all of us!
Stares at the Resolute Desk and tries to figure out who he can return it to.
Issues executive order prohibiting the words "Michelle" and Sasquatch" in the same sentence.
I saw Sasquatch in my backyard a few months ago. Not nearly as scary as HER.
You got me there, had to put down mt Dew.
Oooooooooh, what you saaaaaaaaid! Like one of my teammates used to say "Cheap shot's the best shot"
Wonders if Resolute means what he thinks it does, Its Inconceivable.
50. Practices his "I Inherited This Mess" phrase, while staring out the Oval Office windows at the clouds.
Whew! I am worn out reading all the comments.
I found out the title of his next book: "The Audacity of Audacity."
The sequel will be "Wrecking the Economy for Dummies-BY Dummies"
Hahaha. Oh the third one is great.
Hangs with Marion Barry dealing crack out of the back of the White House.
Smokes weed in the movie room and watches The Wiz on continual loop.
Hops up on his cross in an IMAX theatre with an adoring throng singing his praise.
Gets naked puts on his faux crown and flashes unsuspecting visitors to the WH.
Barry, Harry, and little Lindsay Graham get together in WH pool and do Water Ballet.
31. Wants to go on bowling for dollars but can't because he has no balls to spare.
32. Gets PO'ed at the Air Force when they refused to put his picture on the tail of Air Force One
33. Wants to turn the Pentagon into the Obama Museum of Art & Culture
34. Writes the sequel the audicity of audacity
Michelle pats his little back as he cries himself to sleep in his custom built Presidents crib, with his favorite, “My Favorite Pony, mobile playing, “It’s a Small World.” As the little tyke falls of to dream land you can hear him repeating under his sweet breath, yes we can… yes we can… Now step away kids, little Barry needs his rest so that he can continue the rape of America, exhausting work don’t you know.
Reads “Walking Across The Potomac For Dummies”
- Looks for safe room they showed on 24 so he can find a place to smoke and avoid work
- tries to figure out how to make Biden the fall guy since he won’t be able to keep blaming Bush. Or maybe Hillary.
- starts hatching escape plan for the eventuality of angry mobs surrounding White House.
-asks aides “What would Carter do?”
Ernie, you're the best — love you long time!
[...] Things President Obama Does Instead Of Watching Stock Market [...]
26. Goes comparison shopping to find the best price in town for arugula.
27. Orders White House Gift Shop to stock up on "I met with President Obama and all I got was this lousy t-shirt" t-shirts to give to visiting heads of state.
28. Counts how much money he's made by selling stocks short whenever he's about to give a speech on the economy.
Thanks!
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