Bill Kristol vs. Matt Damon – The Debate Transcript
by Ernie Mannix(Third installment in the not-so-unbelievable Upside Down Bizarre World series.)
Dateline: Next Thursday.
Announcer Voice Over: Live from New York City, it’s The Bill Kristol – Matt Damon Debate, and here’s your moderator for the evening: Greg Gutfeld.
Greg Gutfeld: Hello, I’m Greg Gutfled, host of the Fox News late night show Red Eye. Tonight I am coming to you live from the stage of Town Hall here in New York City for a debate between Mr. Bill Kristol and Mr. Matt Damon. The audience has been told to hold their applause (and their privates) except for when introducing our two debaters - which happens right now!
On my right is Mr. Bill Kristol.
Audience applause.
Gutfeld: This is a man who really needs no introduction, but here’s one for posterity kids: Editor in Chief of the Weekly Standard and a regular panelist on Fox News Sunday, Bill Kristol is to politics what Madonna is to the New York Knickerbockers.
On my left, quite appropriately; Mr. Matt Damon.
Audience applause.
Gutfeld: Mr Damon is a BIG BIG movie star. He is to politics,… what Alec Baldwin is to politics.
This is an open debate forum and there are no rules except one: I will not let the tenor of this debate degrade to behavior as barbaric and frightening as the daily fight over the hormone replacement pills backstage at “The View.”
Okay! Bill Kristol, since you have the tie on you can go first.
Bill Kristol: Good evening everyone. Good evening Greg, Mr. Damon. Mr. Damon, you recently were quoted calling me an “idiot” for saying we have won the war in Iraq. Well, the simple indubitable fact is; we have won. We will have to be there for some time to come, as in other wars we have prevailed in, like Germany, Japan, etc… So, my question to you is: Are you on the Left incapable of admitting we have won, or at the very least winning significantly, or do you wish for failure in Iraq?
Matt Damon: Did you see “Good Will Hunting?”
Kristol: Yes I did, great movie.
Damon: Then here’s one for ya: You like apples? (Shakes head ‘yes’ in a caffeinated sort of way.)
Kristol: (After slight pause) There really isn’t any denying the success we have had in Iraq. So, I repeat the question: Do you wish we would have lost the war?
Damon stands, does some Karate/Judo type moves, spins around, grabs the small table in front of him, tries to smash it and fails. Adjusts his jacket, sits down.
Damon: How do like them apples?
Kristol: (Smiling politely with a pause) The fact of the matter is, Iraqi neighborhoods are back. Terrorists no longer control cities. Public works projects are flourishing, and the way of life for the average Iraqi has improved ten-fold. Benchmarks are being met and the Iraqi government is taking more and more responsibility for their own country. Also, I would have to say that your whoop-ass moves don’t have the same impact without all the cinematic sound effects; the grunting, swishing, crashing sounds, etc.
Greg Gutfeld: Oh boy, I think I feel a famous Bill Kristol prediction coming!
Kristol: In fact Greg, I will make a prediction: President Obama and the left will never apologize to the American people for being horribly wrong about the surge, and Mr. Damon you will continue to avoid Ben Affleck like the plague.
Damon stands, hands on hips with a big “I so crazy” grin, shaking his head in a “I just got ya” fashion.
Greg Gutfeld: And that concludes our broadcast. I’m Greg Gutfeld and if you didn’t get the significance of this debate – then you sir, are worse than Hitler.
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24 Comments
Yikes libs are libs and Hollywood wonders why so many movies fail.
The papers wonder why subscriber are dropping off.
Rush is right. Dont drink the Koolaid!
I think you left out the segment where Matt Damon actually stands up on his chair and shouts at Bill Kristol “I am an expert on the subject of war! I know more about war than everyone in Washington D.C. except for out current president, of course, may the sun continue to shine out of his ass can I say ass anyway I am the smartest person in the world when it comes to religion and war and anything else I care to make a stupid statement about” (in a pale imitation/tribute to two infamous inverviews given by another lefty Hollywood idiot, Tom Cruise).
Does “Kristol” have Israeli citizenship?
The only thing is, if Greg hosted the debate, it wouldn’t be at Town Hall — It would be two blocks over in Bryant Park. And at the end, the crowd would eat Matt Damon (especially if the debate were held at 4 a.m. in the park’s men’s room).
Caroline Kennedy said after the debate ” you know ” and ” you know” when Matt Demon name was mentioned. you know ( PS she can say ” you know” in french as well )
MAaaaaattttt Daaaaammmoonnnnn
(God, why is it that Team America: World Police gets more relevant and true to life every day?)
Billy, Billy, Billy! You forgot to mention the Iraqis just held provincial elections!!!
Matt Damon pwn3d that neo-con Nazi, man.
This is Godawful. Damon sounds like we know about him – an empty suit.
He needs to go back to school. Not only a drop-out, but an ***hole. Bill, you humiliated this punk. He is the poster boy of those Hollwooed louts.
Hey, Matt attended Harvard, which he will tell you every time you meet him. I am an alum of an Ivy School.
My take: Big Deal
While I am normally considered to be conservative right wing and pro life, I must admit that Matt Damon is quite possibly the strongest argument the left could posit that abortion is indeed an invaluable service. In Matt’s case, I think there is room for argument that abortion could be considered viable if not unavoidable out to the 113th trimester without much difficulty. Matt, my only other suggestion for you until some clinic snatches you off the street is, get a hat on that head. It will keep the woodpeckers away and you can ill afford to lose any more.
Psssssh….like this is in any way realistic. What a complete joke.
You have matt damon speaking in complete and semi-coherent sentences, without a script?
Right……
Red Ruffansore – I can’t tell you the number of times I have thought the same thing re: abortion when it comes to Damon and his ilk.
Maaaat Daaaamon (He Who Runs Like a Girl)
Darling,
You forgot to put in the “Andy Levy” straight man part.
Matt,”Shut up & act!”
Hysterical!
YES! I was pulling for Gutfeld as moderator.
I have to admit to not getting the Matt Damon caricature in Team America. I certainly get it now.
You failed to mention that, because Greg would be moderating the event, both men would be required to wear chaps and sit on Greg’s lap when they wished to speak. A naked Bill Schulz would of course, with the help of body paint, function as a microphone for the gentlemen debating.
Wonderful writing, as always! Although this would have been way too short, if it were to occur in real life. Matt would be exhorting the audience, “Am I right? Am I right?” until CNN cut to the commentators Jeanane Garofalo and George Clooney who’d say that Matt owned the podium as he represented the new non-necktie wearing elite. Of course, this word from on high would be moderated by Keith Obermann who ends the show with the revelation of his requirement of a box of Sham-Wows crammed down the front of his shorts to soak up the residuals left from a fresh wave of tingly feelings.
If a man has alot of options, meaning other women are often throwing themselfs at him, then your asking for trouble. i wrote abote this on my site, my ex husband was a cheater.
How to get Mets Tickets? help me, I want to get it.
This very thing has happened to me in the past, I wrote about it on my blog. The better lookin you man is the more chances it can happen its about options.
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