Your Assignment: Rename Guantanamo!
by Ernie Mannix(First installment in the not so unbelievable ‘Upside Down Bizarre World’ series.)
Dateline: The Future. (Most likely spring 2012).
Yesterday morning I was awoken at 6:45 am by a call from The White House. After the initial throat- clearing lie about being awake, I gathered my wits enough to not act overly impressed or afraid. (Especially considering the recent executive order jailing Sean Hannity).
I had hoped it was from the President himself, but alas it was merely Vice President McCain’s secretary. (I still can’t get used to McCain as V.P., even this long after Leno-gate, and Biden’s subsequent resignation.)
Having done product naming in my former life as an advertising writer, I was once again asked if I would helm a small committee of creative types, who’s task would be naming the soon to open ‘Global Peace Park‘ at the former site of the prison at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.
Last time I had to helm one of their naming projects, it was for the new space telescope set to go into orbit: “The Hope-A-Scope”, was indeed a large hit with the then new administration.
His secretary continued; “Vice President McCain has received the focus group results on the park, and we would like you to come up with a more catchy name. We will be retaining ‘Global Peace Park‘ as a sub-heading, but want you and a team to come up with something that will appeal to those families or individuals that might be vacationing in Florida – say at the Clinton Space Center, or Dukakis Gardens, or ABCDisneyworld, and get them to swing by Cuba. Your net budget must not exceed 140 million per month, and we’d need it done in less than a year.
“If we get it done sooner, will we be kept on for the year?” I asked.
“Of course.” the secretary added with a chuckle.
“Are there any benefits associated with the position?” I selfishly pushed, seeking more.
“Your current Daschlecare plan will now be elevated to an HMO.”
“Deal!”
“Fine Mr. Mannix, please assemble your team, and have them meet at least once a month at the Western White House Communications Center on the Warner lot starting next Tuesday. Private Jets will be provided for any of your non-local staff.”
“Of course.” I add.
Due to the new strict federaI Franken-Fairness law, I quickly assemble writers and journalists from all sides of the political spectrum; ABC, CBS and NBC. I tell them the new name needs to reference the importance of the lessons the administration feels we have learned at Guantanamo, but must also entice the kiddies, (and their parent’s wallets) in for some good Cuban fun!
Dateline: That following Tuesday. A bright and early start at the Warner Lot: 11:22 AM.
After our runner gets back from Starbucks, we review and discuss some of the exhibits at the park:
The Pelosi Pavilion featuring the kid’s Berkeley Bouncer and theViva Fidel! live stage show.
The Harry Reed Center with it’s marvelous fountains featuring water shows choreograghed to “Where have all the Flowers gone”, and “Billy Don’t Be A Hero”.
The enchanting Charles Schumer ‘Yes we Can-ada’ Geese Sanctuary.
And of course the Ron Howard/Oliver Stone Republican Villains Wax Museum inside the opulently decorated, bejeweled and fantastically over-lit Gore House.
“Sensitivities aside, we really need a fun, punchy name to bring in the tourists”, I told my eager team. “So, who’s got a couple of names before we break for lunch?”
Stephanopoulos piped up first; “Well, with the Whistle-Stop Monorail being a major attraction I would love to name it The Obama/Lincoln Cuban Honesty Center.”
“Catchy…”, I said encouragingly, “however I think it should be a little more fun,… for the kids.”
“What about Change-Land!? BIG tingle for me!” Chris Matthews interrupts.
“Real good Chris, it’s a strong possibility!” I wink with approval for the overjoyed man.
“David Gregory, anything from you today?”
“Nope.”
“Okay, and Dan Rather, how ’bout you sir?
“Guantana-chusetts.”
“Probably not Dan.” I respond gently.
” …. Guantana-fornia” he says with his former CBS flourish.
“Okay, Change-Land it is! Let’s get some lunch.”
“Mannix, where we eatin’… commissary?” Asks Matthews.
“Heck no! We may be able to moonlight another gig. Senator Hanks is meeting us over at The Ivy to discuss a name for his new California Religious Repatriation Center.”
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Hashes are prison bars.
The park will be named Raul Castro Memorial Park. Guantanamo Bay itself, of course, will be renamed Fidelopolis.
Republican National Committee Headquarters. (Two can play at this game, right?)
==…I was awoken …==
No such word,”awoken.” You mean to say, “I awoke,” or, “I was awakened.”
Mr. Incredible. Thanks, for the heads up, but you’ll find about a half a page in Websters Dictionary of English usage that establishes ‘awoken’ as being a past participle of awake. Many notes establishing usage, especially in American english. Some do refer to it as ‘problematic’ though.
Antioch University South.
Barbra Streisand’s compound in Malibu?
Oh! I’m sorry. I thought you asked where we should RELOCATE the thugs, not what we should rename their day spa.
I’ll have to get back to you on that, after I’ve had a few drinks.
“It’s a Third World, After All”?
Joan – Laughing. Tears. Rolling. Down. Face.
I can see it now, dancing dolls beheading other dancing dolls. Bright, colorful explosions from suicide bomber dolls. Burkas and beards for everyone!
Mr. Mannix,
That was a BRILLIANT piece of satire … at least I hope it was satire and not an example of precognition skills you may possess. Personally, I would like it to be named CAMP DELTA MEMORIAL CEMETERY FOR FORMER RESIDENT DETAINEES … but that’s probably not in the cards.
That was awesome, Ernie – but you forgot Beverly Kills!
“Kitty Prison”
(Google “PETA” and “Tuna” for an explainer)
Don’t Wanna Talk About It Prison.
That’s after the Gitmo-shutdown deadline comes and goes and Obama realizes he can’t let the inmates go and there’s no less worse place to put ‘em.
Well, some of my fellow musician friends refer to ONE OF THE ALL TIME MOST REQUESTED LATIN TUNES, Guantanamera (The girl from Guantanimo), as “One Ton Tomato,” so I think we should rename it, “One Ton of ‘O’.”… because, well, you know.
Hey, just thinking out loud here… on a beer or two.
.
s/b "committee"
Need.coffee.now.
It will be interesting to see how long it takes the "close Gitmo now" crowd to figure out that after spending millions of taxpayer dollars to close Gitmo, construct a terrorist-specific facility in the U.S. (especially outfitted to meet the terrorists' physical and religious needs) and relocate them there, nothing will change. Barack Obama might be a liberal, but he's not stupid. He knows very well that if a terrorist who is freed on his watch in the United States kills an American or ends up on the Most Wanted Terrorist list, his title as Greatest President of All Time will be revoked. Most Americans are opposed to closing Gitmo in the first place, so he can't afford to have this ridiculously expensive project turn out badly.
To be clear, it isn't Gitmo that people object to; it's the status of the tererorists who are held there. The "close Gitmo now" crowd wants radical Islamic terrorists to have Constitutional rights and access to our court system so they, with the help of those "freedom fighters" from the ACLU, have the same chance to be freed on a legal technicality, by a sympathetic jury or a politically correct judge as does the teenager who robbed his local gas station. Obama and his team will dish out some cleverly worded mumbo jumbo so it sounds like they did something monumental when, in reality, the majority of the terrorists will be treated no differently on U.S. soil than they were at Gitmo. And at the end of his White House run, Obama will be awarded an Oscar for best performance by a politician who made us believe that he actually kept his campaign promises when all he did was spend lots of our money to do not much of anything.
Obamano Daycare.
Yes Oui Kahn!
Actually Andrew, I think you were right the first time.
Leave out the A. But instead of GuantanOBamaRama , GuantanObamaLand.
It’s got a ring to it.
Shouldn’t that be ” Yes Oui Con”?
Eliantanamo
Obama’s NEW and APPROVED Ellis Island South
==You can’t keep people in a prison camp for nearly 8 years and not bother to even charge them with any crimes.==
That’s under the criminal statutes.
With terrorists captured on the battlefield, we ain’t talkin’ ’bout “criminals,” in the norbal sense of the term.
==Mr. Incredible. Thanks, for the heads up, but you’ll find about a half a page in Websters Dictionary of English usage that establishes ‘awoken’ as being a past participle of awake. Many notes establishing usage, especially in American english. Some do refer to it as ‘problematic’ though.==
Well, the dictionary isn’t a lawgiver, rather a history of usage.
Mr. Incredible, So those definitions are really just suggestions?
Ubamastan
==Mr. Incredible, So those definitions are really just suggestions?==
They aren’t laws. Just usage history.
When they create a dictionary, or update one, they look to usage. They don’t make laws.
….Fidel’s memorial masoleum and trailer park.
or.. Jack Murtha’s new congressional district.
==Sorry dude, there is very much such a word. My OED states:
awoken — past participle of awake==
There is no such law. A dictionary tells you how people use language. It doesn’t tell you how you must use language.
People also dangle participles, split infinitives, subject subject and verb to disagreement and use “I” as an object. However, that they do these things doesn’t legitmize those uses, even though you may find those uses listed in usage and other dictionaries.
People also say that .99¢ is ninety-nine cents, if you can believe it. However, that doesn’t make it correct.
==Mr Incredible. You quite definitively wrote that the word “awoken” does not exist.==
That’s cuz it doesn’t. It’s made up and used, and a baby gah-gahs all over the place but gah-gahs aren’t words, either.
==The rather famous OXFORD ENGLISH DICTIONARY disgrees.==
It’s not a lawgiver.
==(That has nothing to do with your erroneous claim anyway…==
My claim is not erroneous.
==And what do you mean by “law”?)==
You oughta know. You’re elevating the dictionary to that of a lawgiver.
==…the appearance of “woken” in the leading dictionary of the English language DOES legitimize its usage.==
No, it doesn’t, and the publishers make no such claim. They can’t cuz all they do is report usage.
==…try the Merriam-Webster.==
What, another “lawgiver”?
==Isn’t it more enlighened to accept that you were wrong without changing the direction of your argument.==
Why should I say that I am wrong when I wasn’t?
==When somebody tells me about a liguistic or grammatical error I have made, I thank them for adding to my knowledge.==
Well, I told you and you reject it.
==But hey, if you want to remain in error, there’s not much I can do.==
Except that I’m not in error. Just ask the publisher about the nature of his publication.
Dubya’s Mount Misery. (Donald Rumsfeld owns the actual plantation called “Mount Misery” by slaves, who were taken there to be tortured and broken. Frederick Douglass was one of Mount Misery’s temporary residents.)
Mr. Incredible:
“The Incredible Hulk” is a much more grammatically correct Super Hero.
I’d have to say fill in the missing blank please. Mr. Incredible ____ ?
“Incredible” is an adjective.
Rule: Adjectives are placed before the noun.
Adjectives can also be placed at the end of a sentence if they describe the subject of a sentence. Example: My doctor is excellent.
I think it should be renamed after the Democrats, “Think Tank for those who wish harm to America”.
Guanta-no-more
I just have one minor nitpick…
“The Harry Reed Center with it’s marvelous fountains featuring water shows choreograghed to ‘Where have all the Flowers gone’, and ‘Billy Don’t Be A Hero’.”
If that’s where they do the water shows, shouldn’t it be called the Ted Kennedy Center instead?
Ernie Mannix –
How about “Mr.Incredible Pendant”
Camp Snugglebunnies.
The boys — and Wanks — at Threedonia dealt with this very question here a couple of days ago.
http://www.threedonia.com/archives/2407
Keep it “Gitmo” and sell it to Young Jeezy, Kanye or whomever and make it a hip-hop Caribbean outpost. Gitmo hos, gitmo whatever….
Quit Mo’
The Rev. Jeremiah Wright God damn America center for tolerance and peace.
==Seriously MR INCREDIBLE, if you’ve never ‘awoken’ you’ve never lived.==
Wouldn’t it be “awokened,” though?
However, if you’re gonna go there, why not just use the correct, “awakened”?
==“The Incredible Hulk” is a much more grammatically correct Super Hero.
I’d have to say fill in the missing blank please. Mr. Incredible ____ ?
“Incredible” is an adjective.==
A name can be anything. Just ask Pixar.
==Rule: Adjectives are placed before the noun.==
Except when they are a name. Like “Mr. Brown.” Oop! “Brown” is an adjective, as in, “the brown dog.”
==Adjectives can also be placed at the end of a sentence if they describe the subject of a sentence. Example: My doctor is excellent.==
“He is Incredible.” Yes, Incredible. MR. Incredible.
==I’m not a grammar Nazi, and I can’t believe I’m being drawn into this obscure argument that’s boring everyone else, but this is too delicious…==
So, you’re confused and you’re gonna drag everybody else into your confusion. We understand.
==“Mr. Incredible – January 24th, 2009 at 8:59 am
When they create a dictionary, or update one, they look to usage. They don’t make laws.”
But you’re really comfortable laying down the law?==
I don’t publish dictionaries.
==Mr. Incredible “No such word,”awoken.” You mean to say, “I awoke,” or, “I was awakened.””
Who voted you the arbiter?==
My education.
== Sorry dude, but when it come to a choice between the OED, the M-W, and you, guess where I’m going.==
God determines that.
==Don’t you see the contradiction between YOU saying there’s NO such law (which I still do not know what you mean), and then quoting something definitively, based on what exactly?==
The publishers of dictionaries don’t make law. They collect usages, then publish them.
==What exactly are you basing YOUR assertion that the word “awoken” does not exist?==
On the grammar of the English Language.
==Seriously MR INCREDIBLE, if you’ve never ‘awoken’ you’ve never lived.==
So, “The Awakening” should be changed to “The Awokening”???
“Awoken” is an example of another error becoming the “rule” through incorrect usage. It arose from the intellectual ghetto, on “the other side of the tracks,” and made its way into more culturally and intellectually-delicate neighborhoods.
Chris, good name “Eliantanamo” in honor of the only illegal the left has ever deported.
PIXAR!!!!! Usage is not a ‘lawgiver’.
==Usage is not a ‘lawgiver’.==
And no law is involved. They took an adjective and turned it into a name. “The Incredibles” is not required to conform to grammar. Neither is “Mr. Incredible.” That’s cuz PIXAR isn’t trying to discuss/debate/make a point within the context of displaying a certain amount of credibility and authority. PIXAR has creative license.
However, the use of “awoken” was not used in the creative sense. It was used as though THAT is THE part of speech associated with “awake,” even though it isn’t. The same with some people’s use of “agreeance.” When they use it, they also use it seriously, thinking that it’s a word, and that’s what’s funny about it. Making up words as you go along destroys credibility when credibility counts, except if you sprinkle dialect around in your writing, as I do.
Now, can I stop you from using such “words”? Nah. Want not to. At some point, you’ll realize all this, and you’ll have “agreeance” and stop yourself.
Gitmo Country Club
==Style guides are referred to all the times by reporters/writers. Usage varies in all of these, but they are still considered grammatically correct. ==
Yes, any and all styles are “correct,” apparently. Nothing is right and nothing is wrong. Kinda matches society, in general, nowadays.
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