Happy Passover, Shannen Doherty
by Eric Golub
On April 12th, 1971, Shannen Maria Doherty entered the world.
April 12th, 2009, came and went, and she and I are still not back together.
The rumors that we are a couple have to stop, and they have to stop now.
If the social conservatives ask, it is because sex before marriage is a sin.
If my parents ask, of course I know she is not Jewish.
Yet deep down I know the truth. She is Jewish.
One only has to play the game “Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon” to grasp this.
In fact, the trail is much shorter than that.
She was on “Beverly Hills, 90210.” Beverly Hills is approximately 70% Jewish. In college, 70% is the lowest passing grade. Therefore, she is just barely Jewish, by the skin of her (redacted).
She has me so confused that that I am now redacting the word “teeth.”
It has been 15 years since we were together. Now of course, thanks to Bill Clinton, the word “together” can mean whatever I want it to mean. Well we were together. I worked in a retail store, and she was a customer. We did speak.
It started out innocently enough in 1994. I saw her walk in, nearly fainted, and calmly went into the back room to talk to the owner. All my coworkers knew what was up. The owner saw her and knew.
“Sir, please clear all of the customers out of the store. I want Shannen on top of the jewelry table right now.”
Like a block of ice from Antarctica, the owner was offering discounts on brutal reality.
“Oh, I am sure a woman making $100,000 a week is going to go out with a guy making $5 per hour.”
(Laugh all you want, but only weeks later I got a raise to $5.50!)
I tried to explain to him that honor and integrity are important, but that in the same way liberals believe in an evolving Constitution, I believed in what I call “flexible morality.”
“Sir, Just tell her I am the owner of the store.”
He then turned into the love child of Socrates and Abraham Lincoln.
(Actually my boss was a Seikh. I think every guy with a long beard has an emotional connection to Abe.)
“Eric, don’t you have a girlfriend?”
Now come on! That is not fair. I hate it when people take cheap shots by injecting a situation with the poison pill of accurate facts.
Yes, I had a girlfriend, but this was the hottest Republican brunette on the planet. There had to be an exemption somewhere.
I went to help her with her merchandise, and my intention was to compliment her brilliant speech at the 1992 GOP Convention. That was really my only major familiarity with her work.
“Ms. Doherty, although I have never seen a full episode of ‘90210…’”
She immediately cut me off and said, “Oh I don’t blame you, it’s terrible. That’s why I am leaving. You didn’t miss anything.”
Wow, maybe God does protect the dumb, but I scored points by sheer accident. I continued.
“Like I said, I don’t know your acting, but your speech at the 1992 Convention was great.”
She smiled and asked, “Oh, are you a Republican?”
After that she was very friendly. We talked politics for about 20 minutes, and she really knew her stuff. Her analysis of the 1996 race was as solid as any pundit.
As I prepared to ask her out, my boss from the other side of the room whispered the word “girlfriend.”
Had I asked her out, even though this was Hollywood fantasy, even if she had said no…that would have been cheating. When you have a girlfriend, and you hit on somebody else, that is cheating.
(Yeah, I know. I’m a moron.)
I finished helping her with her merchandise, and as she prepared to leave the store, she said, “I enjoyed this. I’ll come back again.”
As she walked out, after the door closed, I exclaimed, “Wait, Shannen…you forgot the wedding and the kids. Come back.”
I never saw her again.
I still own the note she wrote me. No, it is not laminated on my wall. It is buried somewhere in my walk-in closet beneath old midterms from classes I barely remember. To the best of my knowledge, the note reads,
“Something-or-other, blah blah blah, etc etc, stay Republican, love, Shannen Doherty.”
I could say that every April 12th I lament this situation, but the truth is it was sheer coincidence that I learned her birthdate for the first time on April 11th, 2009, leading to a hastily cobbled together column that makes as much sense as (insert senseless simile).
From 1997 through 1999, I worked in area code 90210. I never saw her.
On January 3rd, 2009, I became single again. I wanted to reach out to her, but I got distracted by the NFL playoffs and the last 17 days of real American leadership.
On January 9th, I celebrated my birthday, and she did not pop out of a cake for me. Therefore, I will not reciprocate her non-gesture.
Now she is back on “90210,” but I am in a relationship.
The timing was never right.
Ms. Doherty, we are both politically conservative and morally liberal. I would be happy to deck a paparazzi guy for you provided he was a liberal and you have connections with the judge.
Happy birthday, Shannen. Until overwhelming evidence of wrong that only Janet Reno could ignore comes to light, I will wish you a Happy Passover.
eric aka the Tygrrrr Express
blacktygrrrr@earthlink.net
http://www.tygrrrrexpress.com
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54 Comments
My Man you have less then NO shot at Shannon Doherty. Zip, zero, nada, none, nil, nope, now way and no how.
Hmmm, I was always under the impression that Shannen was the original pre-Lohan train wreck. That's the way she's always been portrayed. I would never have guessed she was a Republican ( much less gave a speech at a convention). The negative coverage she's received over the years can't have had anything to do with her politics could it? Maybe I'm too certain Hollywood discriminates against Republicans, but this puts a whole different spin on her reputation IMHO.
Hmmm, I was always under the impression that Shannen was the original pre-Lohan train wreck. That's the way she's always been portrayed. I would never have guessed she was a Republican ( much less gave a speech at a convention). The negative coverage she's received over the years can't have had anything to do with her politics could it? Maybe I'm too certain Hollywood discriminates against Republicans, but this puts a whole different spin on her reputation IMHO.
Maybe she's just a Republican train wreck. We do have a few, you know.
I remember her "coming out" and guess what? Full on press attack. She got "Palined" by the press. I've always given her considerable benifit of the doubt, because she had the courage to speak to and defend her convictions. I keep a mental list of Hollywood conservatives, a least the consistant ones.
Shhhhh…..;)
I would like to see a list of these Republican train wrecks. Just you know, out of curiosity.
Me, to start with. Maybe I should have said we "probably" have a few, but since I can't name names off the top of my head, I think that says either Republicans have a lot fewer train wrecks than the Democrats (likely) or we're just better at hiding them (not so likely). It was just a stab at a little humor on a Sunday morning.
Me, to start with. Maybe I should have said we "probably" have a few, but since I can't name names off the top of my head, I think that says either Republicans have a lot fewer train wrecks than the Democrats (likely) or we're just better at hiding them (not so likely). It was just a stab at a little humor on a Sunday morning.
What a sweet post. Shannon and I will remember it in our future together.
Eh…she had quite a rep on every show she's ever been on, and not a good one. Difficult to work with, unprofessional. Things seemed to be settled when she was on "Charmed," but I believe she got canned from that show for acting up as well. Apparently she's just a pill. That's why her career has been spotty.
Eric, I chatted with Shannen in Las Vegas for quite some time (Meaning, in excess of your 20 minutes) a few years after your encounter. She didn't mention you once as she bummed a cigarette from me and we shared a smoke outside of a nightclub.
I was married. I told her it was not meant to be. She kissed my cheek and we said our goodbyes.
That night is seared in my memory, in spite of all of those free casino drinks.
Though it's of the poltical variety, one springs immediately to mind: Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger. Sen. Specter, too.
Look at her face. Closely. She's the most asymmetrical female I can think of. If you measure her eyes on a horizontal plane, there must be about an inch of difference between them. Never thought she was attractive in the least.
Hope this helps.
I think the obvious escaped me. How about the national train wreck, John McCain? And now that I think of it (thank you for bailing me out here), there have been toe-tapping bathroom Republicans and a few married girl-chasers as well. I was stuck on Hollywood types, and as we've discussed on this site numerous times, it's really hard to know who is actually a conservative in Hollywood because of the unofficial blacklist. But there probably aren't too many train wrecks there because the press would be all over it.
You guys have all the fun.
I'd have to nominate my two girls to the Republican Train Wreck Society: Olympia Snowe and Susan Collins.
I think you're giving train wrecks a bad name!
You're very right, but MOST of the Democrats I know have already left the tracks!
Mr. Golub,
First: I'm glad to know I'm not the only one who has a secret, deep and abiding love for all female Republicans;
Secondly: I'll race you to Ms. Doherty.
3…2…1…GO!
Barring that, Coulter is mine.
I think it is because Republicans tend to dispose of their train wrecks while the Democrats celebrate them (Barney Frank, Ted Kennedy, Bill Clinton, etc). Larry Craig is an obvious exemption. Although, I think if the GOP had its way, he would have quit the Senate a long time ago.
If coulter would go back to her roots…
I'm a sucker for brunettes too.
Oh absolutely. She got that nasty coverage BECAUSE she's a Republican. The press was just warming up for the reception they gave Sarah Palin.
I accidentally posted a reply referring to Stevens of Alaska, but referred to Craig. So ignore that e-mail you got, and simply replace Craig with Stevens. Stevens has taken a page from the Democrat handbook. He dodged a conviction because of an ill-prepared prosecutor, so Stevens is already claiming he was innocent rather than simply a crook who got away with it. But we won't see GOPers rushing to get him re-elected. There will be no rallies around him proclaiming him "the greatest Senator ever." And train wreck that he is, he will slip off into forced retirement. Craig's only mistake is that he didn't get the stall next to McGreevey, the former governor of New Jersey. Then they could have run away together in happy martyrdom.
Huc, I have a friend who in the early '90's was enjoying accomodations provided to him by the NY State Dept. of Corrcections. In these venues the guests watch communal TV and closely scrutinize female performers. When he made an approved early departure he needed a verifiable address to re-locate to while making his transition back into polite society, so he stayed with me. And he made the exact observation to me when SD came onscreen. He said "you'll never be able to look at her again w/o seeing that". And he was right. Jailhouse wisdom, go figure.
Dibs on Martha McCallum.
Drew Barrymore was a train wreck in the mid-to-late 1980's. Lindsey Lohan & Shannon Doherty are not the first nor the last.
I still remember Shannon Doherty from Little House on the Prairie.
i have made love to Shannen D. many times. Also Ann coulter. AND Laura Ingraham. Of course they were not there. HEY! don't judge. I was practicing! Also have made mad love to that girl that sang "guess i'm going to stay with him awhile" from the late 60's. I would type more but my hand is tired.
I forgot about the "brave" Jim McGreevey as opposed to the "creepy" Larry Craig.
Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww……………..
Very few women have perfect symmetry. Everywhere.
That said, and although I'm spoken for these past twenty-seven years….if I wasn't….
Very few women have perfect symmetry. Everywhere.
That said, and although I'm spoken for these past twenty-seven years….if I wasn't….
I remember her speech in '92, and it was pretty good. She got hammered in the media, shortly after. Is she difficult? I dunno, I figure most of them are, so she may be more or less. I just know she was treated miserably, deserved or undeserved. It was way worse that La Lohan, and very few match that level of sheer a**holishness. I always thought she was a pretty decent actress, myself. What was that show she played in as a young teen? With Wilford Brimley? That was a cute family show. I thought the article was a hoot, good job.
Yeah, but what if she got the Paltrow treatment (Bruce Paltrow that is)? Being told that no one was going to want to work with some sleazy Republican? I'd probably develop an attitude too.
I assure you, her rep is totally action-based. (yeah, I worked on certain show with a zip code prominently in the title briefly in the 90's) Nothing to do with her politics. She was a raging brat. Period. And when you cause trouble on a multi-character show that can carry on quite easily without you, you are replaced. (Don Johnson was known to be incorrigibly late on "Nash Bridges," but he _was_ the show and they foolishly tolerated it.) Hell, Tori Spelling supposedly dropped out her 90210 cameos when she heard she'd have to share scenes with Doherty. The lady doesn't just burn bridges, she dynamites them behind her, River Kwai style.
At various times, Morgan Fairchild, Heather Locklear, and Britney Spears have been identified as Republican. LOL
That's too bad. I knew a guy once who had worked with Don Johnson and he said he was a really really bad drunk. Hopefully these two will get their acts together.
This was hilarious!
There is an upside to the story though. It's bipartisan.
She's Jewish?
Does she have a stash of Kosher for Passover Coca Cola – the kind made with real cane sugar and not corn syrup? I am having trouble finding it this year.
I'd never dump a Jewish chick around Passover unless I had my K4P CC stash well secured.
I have to say, that's the creepiest 'blog post I've seen in quite some time.
The one that got away. If it's any consolation, everybody has one.
http://the100mostannoyingthings.blogspot.com/
Let's not forget Mark Foley. I'd personally add Tom Delay too.
Here's to a happy ending.
PS: are you up to $6.75 yet?
If that's the best you can come up with for a anti-liberal column, you need a new line of work.
Keep reaching…..
That and maybe eat a sandwich once in a while.
Keep straw-man-ing.
Ah yes, I remember that show too. "Our House" it was called. Good one… And my current perceptions of Shannen have now changed as I realize during 90210, etc. she was most likely being picked on by all the liberals surrounding her on a daily basis. They have a tendency, to say the least, of getting under one's skin.
LOL! LOL!
Steelsheen.–Ric Ocasek married Paulina Porizkova…nuff said.
Ken in Irvine–Exactly—We actually criticize our own bad behavior. They celebrate it.
Oldfezewig–Obama is President. Enjoy the present while you can.
Miko–The only thing seared in my memory is my 1968 Christmas in Cambodia. Some say I am Jewish and born in 1972, but seared in my memory means it has to be true or my name is not John Forbes Golub.
Bill–I would race you, but have decided to play hard to get. She has to come to me this time.
Ron Orf—All I can say is "Orf!"
Maggie–Thank you!
Otto–Agreed!
Cambias/Flames–Maggie disagrees with you. Thank you for the effort.
Chiquita–Before or after taxes?
eric aka the Tygrrrr Express
I've always found her to be hot. And now you tell me she's a Republican still??!? Even in the Age of O? (No, not Oprah).
Some facts
Assymetry is beautiful. So is Shannon.
Shannon Doherty would have trouble coming up with a more Irish name if she tried.
Great Post, Now Move on
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