Obama Survival Kit
by Doug TenNapel
If the trajectory of the Obama administration continues like this we’ll have to make little adjustments to our lifestyle. So here’s a checklist for making it through 2012:
Yes, we’re still obsessed with culture and groupthink so we should try to blend in with the rest of the survivors of the Obamacalypse. Wear football pads, utility boots with optional baseball bat with rusty spikes sticking out. Mohawks or purple hair are all the rage and help others identify you when riding your motorcycle over the desert wasteland that used to be known as the desert wasteland of California. Goggles are a nice touch, too.
Bring plenty of gold to buy slices of bread. The United Globe of Governments sells bread but you really want to avoid the lines that are estimated to take seventy five years to get through.
Keep spare hoses under the front seat of your ride in case you need to siphon gas.
Get a dog and tie a bandanna around his neck. Dogs provide security when away from the car and if you run out of food, you haven’t quite run out of food– if you know what I mean. Name him after your last boss before profitable jobs were made illegal by the United Globe of Governments.
Pick your criminal underworld gang carefully. You can choose between the PompaDodds, the Lispy Franks and the Pelosidactyls. If offered a brand or a facial tattoo to show gang loyalty, it’s a good sign.
Buy lots of dog food from Costco or Walmart. If you get it by the case, and it’s made in China you can get it cheap. Plus lead poisoning has been known to aid night-vision. This food is not for the dog. This is for human consumption only. The dog has to eat from the new McDonald’s all-organic menu.
Since the Freedom Of Speech Act made talk radio illegal, only National Socialist Public Radio is available. Don’t listen to NSPR without the aid of caffeine, amphetamines or else sleep-driving will occur.
Mount an MK 38 25-mm machine gun to the hood of your car. It’s useful for protecting your fuel supply from the Wealth Redistribution Force. It’s also good for killing giant mutant scorpions.
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138 Comments
I sprayed for giant mutant scorpions last week, but those pesky arachnids keep attacking the dog.
Isn't this soon to be made into a video game?
A lovely image, I dream of it quite often.
You need to learn where their soft spots are. They make for tasty eating.
Don't forget to set the snares for the giant mole rats. Them's good eatin'
It's been out for awhile. Fallout 3 was wonderful.
Fallout 3 is indeed an excellent game.
Well, if it's going to be the end of the world, that means there won't be any jails. So hunting down Bernardine Dorhn is soooo going to be worth it. I'll use a fork 'cause Bernardine thinks those are 'neat'. Especially when they're stuck in a dead pregnant woman's stomach. (Sharon Tate? This one's for you.)
I was hoping reality tv. I'd like to see some politicians in tattered clothes scavenging amongst the rubble for food while being preyed upon by gangs and illegals.
Get thee behind me, Satan: for it is written, Thou shalt worship the Lord thy God, and him only shalt thou serve. Just sayin…
And stay out of Arkansas because every redneck in the woods has a gun and just can't wait to shoot a city feller looking for food……(Unless of Course you got extra ammo to share)
Rule #18 of a Gunfight… (Watch their hands…hands kill. In God we trust, every body else keep your hands where I can see them)
Played it, loved it!
LOL! Sounds like Fallout 3 on the XBOX360. Too bad it's getting close to reality.
"Warriors, come out tooo plaaaayaaa!" Meet me on the D.C. Mall, we take the Capitol at sundown! W.H. falls next. Whomever captures Obama WATCH OUT! His teleprompter / bodyguard is known to pack serious heat. Separate the two, kill the teleprompter, Obama will be rendered unintelligible. Wave a copy of the "Communist Manifesto" at him to calm him, we need him alive.
javamartini, as a Zionist Jew my God is the God of the Torah [Old Testament], I suspect the same God as yours. Our political sellouts and prostitutes in DC have earned a fate of fire and brimstone; I hope they collect their reward soon.
You Righites really want to bring on the Apocalypse don't you? two months in and you're already pissing your pants that it's the end of the world. It's cute really.
Can anyone tell me how things would have been different had McCain won the presidency?
We wouldn't have thrown away 1.2 Trillion on that porkulus and bloated budget. At least we'd have spending freeze in the government. He'd be working on cutting corp tax rate and personal income taxes ( as per plan repubs floated in Congress)
Although, I will change my name to Toecutter when the apocalypse hits. My friend looks like Bubba Zanetti, and my SUV's got "the last of the V8'S"
We don't want to bring on anything. We're just watching your homies make it happen. Actually, we'd prefer to see Walmart stay open.
We don't want to bring on anything. We're just watching your homies make it happen. Personally, I'd prefer to see Walmart stay open.
Life imitates Art.
Even Satan bows down to his creator, God.
Are you sure you mean to keep Obama? The teleprompter is the brains of the operation.
Predictions of a post-apocalyptic/dystopian America warm the cockles of my icy heart.
Oh, and Fallout 3 was AMAZING.
=====You Righites really want to bring on the Apocalypse don't you?=====
The mad mullahs of Iran are pursuing their apocalyptic toys and what is obama doing? Sending them love letters and showing his islamist bootlicking bona fides by reaching out to the taliban; who rejected him, and sending hamas $900 million to murder and maim more Jews. And this affirmative action president has the gall to whine about AIG bonuses that he and the other morons in his admin signed off on.
Democrat incompetence brought us a nuclear N. Korea and democrat incompetence will lead to a nuclear Iran. It is liberal idiocy and dangerous naiveté that will set the stage for a potential nuclear holocaust. Your blatant cowardice prevents you from stopping these terrorist nations; you'd rather have 50 million dead Americans on your conscience than be perceived as insensitive towards the very islamists that want to cut your throat.
It will be pretty tough to get close to Obama in the first place. That teleprompter is everpresent and it is really smart. It senses fear and must support its cargo in any circumstance. It is programmed to carry out its mission ruthlessly and expediciously. But if someone can trick the teleprompter into letting someone reprogram him, then we've got a chance.
Also….. I want to punch William Ayers in the face, really hard and repeatedly.
Ah, but perception is 9/10ths of Obama's being. If he seems to be in charge then the proletariate will remain calm.
You're a regular koolaid drinker aren't you cjenk..Like someone else said, we don't want to bring on anything but it looks like it's going to be brought on by pelosi and her lackies, her number one lacky being obama.
Maybe by the time this is over Americans by the droves will be heading towards Tijuana and Juarez
You are freakin' me out with that photo at the top. I'm going to have nightmares!
Being a born entrepeneur, I'm set. When I was a little kid, our old cousins from Germany used to tell us the stories of the worthlessness of the German mark during the Weimar Republic when they were kids. Buying a loaf of bread with a wheelbarrow full of worthless marks. So I'm ready. I have cornered the Bay Area market on wheelbarrows. You want to buy a loaf of bread in Obamaland? You'll have to come to me first. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Oh, and ya gotta pay me in bread, real bread.
Hopefully it will be all the liberals. That will leave the rest of us to set up shop again, the right way.
Road Warrior is actually government propaganda, preparing us for the “Barry.” Try to look at it as an instructional manual. Definitely be careful about that rat bastard teleprompter, this cat doesn’t play. Capture the prompter, silence the Barry. Gods speed!
Garbage…..if any group of people want the apocalypse its the Right, particularly the Christian right. You guys have been gunning for Armageddon for nearly 2000 years now. Jesus is supposed to return right? Then you guys get your religion validated and you're all saved?
Nah, we're putting our hot dogs and marshmallows on sticks and waiting for you guys to light the fires.
About the only thing different if McCain had won is that all this leftist crap would have been done far more slowly and we'd have been stewed in our own juices. BO has ramped things up to boil far to fast, and the frogs are jumping out of the pot. By all means, please continue to remind people why they prefer their individual freedoms, liberties, and heftier chunk of take-home change.
Kick a leftist; find a Christian basher.
California will still exist? I thought cow fart driven global warming caused by W's and Darth Cheney's petrobeef evildoers at Halliburton would have led to Callyfornication/the Northernmost Province of Meixco sinking into the ocean!
Does your logic hurt?
Christ is already validated by logic and history. You need to study some more. And a Christian is already saved.
I'd say most of the Left doesn't want civilizational collapse (except for ecofreaks), but intentions and results are two different things.
You evil, evil, man! Don’t you know that the children will starve. That being said, do you plan to franchise said bread operations?
Dear God Man, not the prompter. This could cause the collapse of the government. Oh that’s a good thing, right. Seize the prompter!
Did you seriously just drop a Warriors reference? Wow, that goes back in time. Now I need a couple of empty coke bottles.
Screw the children, I'm in it for the bread. Franchises are available, but those have to be paid for in beer.
Ah, capitalism. Are you sure you live in San Fran?
I'm part of a survivalist sleeper cell put in here about twenty years ago, right under the noses of the enemy. I will not reveal the names of the other members, no matter what you offer me. Well, on second thought, make me an offer.
This saying is gold. I'm getting the T shirt.
Will Evil the Cat run the Internal Redistribution Service?
Doug, I'd go for life in that world if I can have Max with it. Can I? Pretty please?
Looks like we'll probably get it whether we want it or not, but as long as I have Max, I'll do fine.
I don't know, jackinmaine – it kind of gives me – dare I say it – HOPE.
And a groovy theme for your gang too!
Armageddon gets a bad wrap, the Jezreel Valley is actually quite lovely this time of year.
Actually, a good defensible position, well stocked, with long, medium, and short range weaponry – plenty of ammo, of course – is your best bet for survival. As the baddies become desperate and expose themselves attempting to overrun you, you pick them off and take their assets. You'll actually increase your level of security over the long run as your resources increase and the bad guys look for easier prey. Getting all Rebel Without a Clue will get you double-indemnity dead… oh, this is a satire post. cjenk had me confused there for a moment. Never mind.
Socialism, socialism never changes.
And I must point out a correction in the original post, gold will do you little avail, the currency of the future is bottlecaps.
Is one them Nancy Pelosi? She seems the type. . . very deep cover.
Pink Snuggies?
And a "good time" was had by all…
I think that old miniseries "Amerika" is more accurate preparation material, unfortunately I haven't been able to find that on DVD anywhere.
That's a downright morbid and creepifying thought there.
Nope. She's the real deal. NOBODY is that good an actor.
Yeah, that one's gonna leave a nightmare or two.
That's it. And fools rush in where lesser moonbats fear to tread.
I figured it out when I realized that if somebody told her the sun came up this morning or they set off an H-bomb over Sacramento, she had the same expression of bemused surprise. She probably looks the same when she's sound asleep. Creepy.
It's not so much the Apocalypse as it is the humidity…
There's a brain bleach that might help.
As part of an evil scheme to destroy the entire universe?
I call seconds after you…
Would Congressman Waxman need a costume? Or would his committee just try to look like him?
Actually, the Left wants America to collapse so that civilization can be restructured under a one world government. This is why liberals are often accused of hating America – because America alone stands in the way Utopian vision.
Woah…there's an old reference.
I was too young to fully understand that miniseries. Was it any good?
Sure, Obama might bring about the apocalypse, but at least the environment will be better!!!!!
Ah yes. Road Warrior. Good movie. Too bad it may soon become a way of life in the US.
It is impossible to seperate the sarcasm from the truth in this here thread. Mainly because I’ve heard alot of what has been said seriously coming out of the the mouth of Righties.
Leftists wanting a one world government? Puh-lease!!!
We were guessing (correctly) that the POTUS didn't confuse a recession for an opprotunity to high-jack the free market system, dust off John Maynard Keynes, grab the sterring wheel of a speeding government and yank it hard to the LEFT! We're careening through the desert fighting to regain control of the wheel. The struggle will continue until we win.
It's ironic that leftists stand by and cheer on this bad joke of a POTUS as he fundementally alters the very economic fabric of a country that survived for 230 years before his accendency then get upset when we have a little fun with a faux apocolyptic sceanario. Believe me, I wish it were the reverse situation. Hey! Why did I revert back to 0?
Gordon Brown would have 25 less un-playable DVD's. YouTube wouldn't be used in place of actual diplomacy. The phrase 'moderate Taliban' would never have been coined, nor the phrase 'man-made disasters' be used for terrorism. Russia wouldn't be laughing so hard right now. We wouldn't be facing $9 trillion of debt to the Chinese – and they wouldn't be having buyers remorse.
No nightmares. MrsSpooky, you may be right.
I love the way each gang dressed in their own way, like uniforms/costumes. Congress should do that. Each committee can have their own look. Can you imagine what the Franks would look like. . . yuck!
This is very serious stuff here, dude!
The current painful situation we're all in is simply getting us conditioned for our horrific death when global warming set in at the end of 2012. Thanks Obama.
Darn. I thought her efforts to disgrace the left might be some part of right wing plan. I guess she's just a fool afterall?
I'm working on developing a taste for the lesser foods…dog food, cat nip, rabbit pellets…you know the usual.
Let me tell you about fear my friends, do you want to know the meaning of true terror? I've been holding it inside for a while, in a tiny, dark ball of hurt but I feel like I have to share, just so I'm not the only one that has to suffer, I'm mean like that sometimes. So here goes…
The other day my girlfriend and I were talking and the subject of Pelosi came up, and she said to me innocently,"Do you think she's had augmentation work done?" At first I was a little confused by the question since I wasn't on that plane of thought, being in mid-rant at the time, but then I actually let my mind register the words. From there my brain went over to actually pondering the subject of the question so as to come up with an answer, that's when the magnitude and implications of it all hit me full in the brainpan. I was filled with fear, loathing and I'll admit it, a moment of near fetal position inducing pure gibbering madness.
It's a testament to her all around awesomeness that we're still together, because for one brief blinding instant, she actually had me considering Pelosi's "naturalness" in a way that made me want to stick my head into a woodchipper. I don't know if I'll ever lose that fear, I do know I'll never be the same again.
All of the Obama memorabilia t-shirts, bumper stickers, and $19.95 commemorative plates can be used to fuel the campfires we'll need when the electricity gets shut off.
http://the100mostannoyingthings.blogspot.com/
Does this mean I have to get back under the dinning room table in the fetal posistion?
y'know, that may be the first time I've ever heard anyone use the word "art" to describe Road Warrior. Does this mean that the Capitol is now Thunderdome?
That’s good thinking! One cannot be to cautious, don’t you know. Try the dry dog food, no really man, you seem like a sharp guy so I probably don’t need to tell you this, but add a little water place it in the sun, it taste like beef stew.
It's not hard to imagine Barney Frank chased around the Thunderdome, lispish spittle raining upon the heads of a drunken, riotous audience. If the shoe fits . . .
You can't fool me. I've seen Survivor Man. Them scorpions is good eatin' too.
Fallout 3 was great. The above is actually Resident Evil 5, not five as in sequels, but five as in the number of evil residents in DC: Obama, Pelosi, Reid, Dodd, Frank.
If anyone needs to train for shootouts, just study Gene Wilder in Blazing Saddles. Come to think of it, there are other things to study in that film too…
"The gentleman wi-ow pwease be thilent! The…the gentleman…the gentleman will be theated! Thit down and thut up!"
http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&...
Sacrilege Writer X, you can expect an attack from “O’s” dim-wits, to dare include the commemorative plates, for shame.
Fallout?
I guess I'm out of luck, I already used the newspapers with anything obama/inurination to start fires in my fireplace. And I refuse to even glance at the commemorative crap.
Absolutely. And best in-game soundtrack ever.
I know, StanH, but when the Global Warming alarmists turn off the electricity (right before the Obamacalypse, it's every guy (and girl) for himself. Shattering the commemorative plates into tiny bits might make it all worth it.
Dear god man, don’t you know what you’re suggesting. A public confession of disrespect to the deity, we have active Obama troll youth actively monitoring this site, not the plates man, anything but the plates! You can expect a visit from the hard working patriots of, “ACORN!” I recommend a bucket of rocks, all remaining plates, “praise be to the “O,” and a nice perch on the roof and see how they picket with rocks and plates pelting them, just sayin.
then when were about done, they'll show back up, tell us how bad of a job we did. They'll accuse us of exploiting a non-existent species. Demand that we attend sensitvity seminars and claim victim status as the precious illegal immigrants that they fanasize over every night. They will demand retroactive unemployment covering all the time they were gone. It is at about this time that I shall shoot them…..all.
That’s top secret man, Double, Triple, Secret Squirrel. How did you come by this information? Did you TORTURE someone from Halliburton? We’re really getting sloppy on this site, we must remember we’re being closely monitored, “wink-wink-nod-nod!” You know like, cjenk, Wasilla Hillbilly, et al.
No prob, got the gambeson, got the mail cowl for beginner's level armor. Got my Rennie weapons for ghoul and vermin bashing, got access to Cpt Charles's firearms for higher-order threats. There is an auto dealer specializing in used SUVs and large-size pickups nearby, so I can upgrade to something that can be a roadhog AND haul the loot home. (Hyundais don't cut it as Obamapocalypse survival vehicles. ^_^) I may not live well, but I won't starve, and I'll be able to keep what I have. Just have to fend off the zombie/bandit mobs from Hamilton first.
Oh yeah, Nathan. the Road Warrior, as cinematic art, blows away just about anything made by Hollywood these days. It also outdoes them for excitement level, too.
Ok Doug, you really brought a lot of sickos out of the closet.
Now round em up, and preach a doomsday sermon to them.
O Come on now, is no one original? Just read my book!!
"The Road"
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0307265439...
You mean you’ve left your closet, fool. Do you know something that we don’t?
You use direct insults lightly. I do know things that you do not, yes. I am serious when I suggest a doomsday sermon: Repent and be saved, for the kingdom is at hand.
Damn Lawhawk you are a cruel man. I was reading last nights post eating my lunch, and the image of Nancy Pelosi sleeping with her face frozen with that $hit eating grin, I’ll now put my lunch away for later.
Turn it up to 11, imagine her sleeping with that frozen face grin, in a coffin. Just waiting for Renfrank to come report to her when the sun goes down.
I was fairly young when it came out as well, but I'm recalling that it was pretty decent.
There was a whole cottage industry going on at the time with the "Out of the Ashes" (which I've seen they're reprinting again) and "The Survivalist" series of books coming out, games like "Twilight: 2000" (which I saw it getting an update and re-release) and many more I'm sure that are eluding me at the moment. But I find it a little humorous at how 80s style post-apocalyptic stuff is selling again, either the original stuff or do-overs.
I was fairly young when it came out as well, but I'm recalling that it was pretty decent.
There was a whole cottage industry going on at the time with the "Out of the Ashes" (which I've seen they're reprinting again) and "The Survivalist" series of books coming out, games like "Twilight: 2000" (which I saw is getting an update and re-release) and many more I'm sure that are eluding me at the moment. But I find it a little humorous at how 80s style post-apocalyptic stuff is selling again, either the original stuff or do-overs.
It's pretty frightening — not to mention depressing — reading these blogs. Ignorance and extremism seem to go hand in hand. There's a lot of talk about Christianity but all I see here is blind hatred. It seems too many folk can't abide the idea of a black guy in the White House. And, wow! he talks about spreading the wealth around, helping the less well off, providing medical services for those who can't afford them. This guy has to be a dangerous subversive, a socialist, right? Funny . . . I would have thought he was supporting true CHRISTIAN values!
We musn’t talk this way children could be watching.
Amen brother! Enlighten me! Maybe we could get Reverend Wright to deliver our fire and brimstone sermon. Is this Barry? Come on this is PRESBO, cool!
I wouldn't call it "blind hatred", I'll call it focused annoyance. But of course according to the leftist talking points you have to put the required racist snark in as a way to try to shout out any other points of view, so at least you're good at following orders. Let's see what next, oh "spreading the wealth around" by violating the Constitution which is very specific about things like bills of attainder is fine since it's for "the greater good" then? So how do you feel about providing medical services for soldiers wounded in combat, are you fine with having them have to cover their own bills? Or was that just a floater idea to see how annoyed it'd make people?
So let me see here, checking my sheet. Feels free to ignore the Constitution thus making him dangerous and subversive: check. Nationalizing banks, looking for ways to cap salaries, and changing tax codes to make them punitive, thus making him a socialist: check. So yes, I'm fine with those contentions.
As for supporting Christian values, Obama is so off there in many ways I don't even have time to enumerate them all. Plus in your attempt to use the tired leftist "It's the Christians stupid!" talking point, you fell into the commonly tripped into hole by assuming everyone that clings to their guns and holy books is a Fundamentalist Christian of some stripe or another. Not all conservatives are, because the proper term really is Judeo-Christian values, not just caps lock Christian ones.
I'll have to admit this was a better trolling attempt than the ones yesterday which I had to grade at Weak Tea, but not by much, so I'll give it a tepid Feeble.
Please don't kill me. Or send me to a reeducation camp.
Yeah, like how underrated Madeleine Khan was.
It may be to late BigPop, you know the seriousness of, “Global Warming.”
You might want to look into the history of Socialism, it's explains the whole one world government thing right there. Socialism started off as and still in many was was a global Utopian vision for the future. Now the various writers may have worried about the concept of a global government to various degrees but the international focus of it was always there, other than in some national socialist visions that worried more about only one country or nationality and didn't pay attention to the international ideology inherent in socialism.
I'd shoot someone to make Thomas Sowell President, hell I'd shoot half a country to do so….
That sounds bad but it's the truth.
Indeed brilliance!
Doug, I'm sorry to break it to you, but your fine post here is already being plagiarized elsewhere!
http://tinyurl.com/cr379s
"Giant Mole Rats" direct from Liverpool, One night only!!!!
You can't be Cormac McCarthy because your comment contains punctuation.
You can't be Cormac McCarthy because your comment contains punctuation.
He plagiarized mine one month before it was written? Impressive.
Installed a new video card, lost my save games, have to start over from the beginning, bummer.
Yeah, what he said.
And exactly who were these white women they were looking for that got the Klan all upset?
LOL – Dang that guy creeps me out. Can you see him in some drug movie snorting coke? He could do a "Scarface Sniff" and suck up the whole pile.
Let him rave on, that men will know him mad.
Oh hell, that's nothing, just get a good look at Henry Waxman. Just don't stare at his nostrils.
Now that you mention it, I never have seen her blink or her eyes closed for that matter. Kind of like the female vampire and the end of Frightnight
BO never did pass the smell test.
Very similiar to http://barryrides.blogspot.com/2009/02/just-in-ca...
Busted! Its so hard to sell a good book these days. I don't remember there no being punctuation in "The Road"
I believe I just said that.
This post reminds me of something I saw here:
http://qurlyq.com/1wl
Good lord you Repub/Conservs are freakin LOONS! If none of you Repub/Conservs like America: MOVE!!
Oh. I forgot. You're retarded and don't know how. Well.. ask for help!
Oh come on, Obama wouldn't let it come to that!
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