Earn Big $$$ the NEA Way!
by Iowahawk
It’s true — U.S. government demand for art and art-like products has never been higher! Uncle Sam and the good folks at the National Endowment for the Arts are on the lookout for go-getting, obedient artists like you for a fast-paced career in state propaganda. With the quick and easy Federal Art Instruction Institute course, now you too can get a first class ticket on the federal art gravy train!
Tell Me More!
From heath care to the economy to the environment, Washington has become infested with pesky state enemies who are clogging up the legislative pipeline and making life miserable for our cool, art-loving president. That’s why he has ordered the NEA to fund obsequious bohemians to help him exterminate the competition and drive traffic to his hip new website Servile.gov. The Federal Art Instruction Institute will show you how to get off funemployment and on the payroll of this exciting $3.6 trillion growth industry!
How can the Federal Art Instruction Institute help me?
Unlike traditional art schools, the Federal Art Instruction Institute doesn’t waste your time on boring Post-Modernist theory, messy bodily fluids, or painful self mutilation. With our easy-to-learn program you will quickly learn how to channel your natural artistic ability and suburban self-loathing at state enemies who, when you think about it, are a lot like your parents.
Can you draw triangles? The Federal Art Instruction Institute will show you the easy way to turn them into Ku Klux Klan hoods. Turn them upside down and they become scary vampire fangs! Even a simple black rectangle can become a Hitler mustache with our easy to learn methods.
Our award winning studio instructors includes some of the top young professional kowtowers, bumnuzzlers and bootlicks working in the government art field today — people like Buffy Wicks, Yosi Sergant and Michael Skolnik. They will keep you up to date on all the hot new policy trends and enemy lists, and what your patrons at the NEA need you to do about it. Using tried and true traditional art techniques from Cuba, Germany and central Asia, they will teach you how to pick the target, freeze it, personalize it, and polarize it — for big cash prizes!
I’m skeptical. Do you have previous success stories?
And how! Just read these testimonials from FAII graduates:
“I made over $1 million in my first year, and all I had to do was obey! Thanks, Federal Art Instruction Institute!”
– S. Fairey, Los Angeles, Calif.
“As a cutting edge visual artist, I had a natural aptitude for political servility and blind hatred. The Federal Art Instruction Institute showed me how to turn it into a solid government career with great benefits!”
– J. Greenberg, New York, N.Y.
“The Federal Art Instruction Institute showed us how to win big government contracts for our failing business. This program was a lifesaver!”
–The two hipster assholes from SaraPalinIsAC**tTShirts.com
But I can’t draw. Can I still take advantage of this exciting program?
No problem! Thanks to new NEA guidelines, anybody can be an artist! Are you a musician? filmmaker? Web designer? Guerrilla marketer? Graffiti tagger? HopCore ElectroChill DJ? Freelance vandal? Whatever your mode of expressive behavior the NEA has a sweet load of grant money waiting — and qualifying has never been easier! Do you have –
- an ironic trucker hat?
- ironic facial hair?
- ironic douchebag glasses?
- a vocabulary that includes “bringing utilities” and “mindspace”?
- deep insecurities about your place in the art world hipster food chain?
- a slavish desire to do the bidding of your government?
- no idea what “ironic” really means?
Can you –
- Follow orders?
- Take a hint?
- Maintain plausible deniability?
- Keep your mouth shut?
Then you just might qualify as a student in one of FAII’s prestigious secret conference call classrooms!
Sounds too good to be true! What’s the catch?
No catch, but enrollment is limited. So don’t delay, write today for your free talent and obedience test and see if you have what it takes to be a professional in the new art capital of the world — Washington, D.C.!
Remember — The U.S. Art-my Wants You!
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51 Comments
Brilliant!!
Iowahawk again proves he's a genius.
We can only dream and masturbate in his shadow.
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Haha I love it, thanks for the laugh !
Yessiree! If you've got some pro-Statist, anti-liberty, Palin-hating, conservative-mocking "art" to sell, the NEA is for you!
Wanna mock Christianity?
Wanna hate on the GOP?
Join the crowd at the NEA…and all at taxpayers' expense!
http://firebreathingchristian.com
if this wasn't almost true, it would be sad, oh wait, it is almost true.
[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Mr. Stickee. Mr. Stickee said: #Iowahawk Earn Big $$$ the NEA Way! http://bit.ly/T9CXm #tcot #tlot [...]
Iowahawk, I love you more than cheeseburgers!
Well,……I,……..
uh….
maybe.
A very Gutfeld-ian way of complimenting someone. I like it.
Dave, you're setting the bar pretty high for yourself. Remember, we still have three and third more years of these d-bag clowns.
Good One!
I talked with a man today who said that all the tax cuts to the arts was just society's way of cutting their nose off to spite their face.
I asked him where he was when I was auto-subsidizing my own art gallery and studio to the tune of $1,000/mo. and why should I subsidize some no-talent inner city kid when I was working two jobs just to support my own artistic desires.
Yeah. He didn't care, the cold-hearted liberal bastard.
.
that's because it's NOT about the art, Dearie…
Look at the collected, uh, 'talent' shown here. You should at least feel good that you believed enough in your own ability to support it financially. These clowns would NEVER spend cent one of their own miserly money to propagandize loser boy. That's our job…
I applied for this school, they turned me down. Said they did not transfer credits from the Reagan Institute.
Might want to ease up on the plugs friend. Especially when the topic is the NEA.
Man I enjoy nothing more than Iowahawk stomping a mudhole in hippie ass
Top-notch Burgey…and I mean that, top-notch I say!
"doesn't waste your time on boring post-modernist theory. messy bodily fluids or self-mutilation." Goodness, what a mind!!
"doesn't waste your time on boring post-modernist theory, messy bodily fluids, or self-mutilation." Goodness, what a mind!!
iowahawk illustrated. how can it get any better?
Swell! Boy, endow me with a piece of this pie!
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Don't forget, in order to qualify for grants, you have to be "just plain cool" and have mastered the use of the word "ask" as a noun.
X
The very definition of satire, as usual. Though me thinks next week's "Media Meaning and Message" lecture at Liberal U won't be featuring this. I can dream can't I?
For a party who hates the NEA, you sure have a funny way of showing it. During the Reagan/Bush years, NEA funding went up 10%. It then DECLINED about 50% during the Clinton adminstration. But good old Dubya and the Republican congress then saw fit to pour money back in, raising grant money from about 97 million in 2000 to 124 million in 2007. Are you guys closet lefty art lovers or something?
Excellent.
we're not worthy…we're not worthy…
You're assuming everyone here is Republican. I don't care who's funding it, I just want the NEA gone. Good art will survive it.
*MissQuinn*
That was a little disturbing.
Bush and the Republican Congress didn't ask me for my opinion.
If you've spent much time here, you'll already know that most of us "Republicans" deplored Bush's domestic policies as being far too close to those of the moderate Democrats (back when there were such things as moderate Democrats).
More funny than the funnies. Thank you BuyArtist! Thank you Iowahawk!
Excellent satire.
[...] Hollywood: Earn Big $$$ the NEA Way! by [...]
Iowahawk — My hat is off to you. I'm no slouch at parodies, satire and the like, but this absolutely takes the entire cake. This is incredible work, images and text.
As others said before me, this is brilliant, so brilliant and on-point. I am humbled. Thank you for this wonderful presentation.
I read this while drinking my morning coffee and nearly drowned. Wonderful bit of parody. Would be even more hilarious if not for the fact that so much of it is probably true.
Art imitates art…lol.. this is great!!!
I wonder how much, if anything, subversive underground artists like Robert Crumb and Harvey Pekar got from the federal government for their work? Say what you will about guys like Crumb; at least they didn't become government apparatchik tools.Off-topic, I heartily recommend the movie about Harvey Pekar, "American Splendor".
it would be funnier, if it weren't so damed sad.
Nice piece, but I think it should've been called the Federal Art Institute of Learning.
Now THAT's art that I wouldn't mind spending my hard-earned tax dollars to support!
In a perfect Utopian world the NEA would be a brilliant idea. Subsidizing true artistic talent and promoting "real" culture is a very noble stance. Personally, I hate that the US culture has become synonymous with the reality show celebrity and fast food joints. The Monets of this country should be celebrated!
Unfortunately the NEA tends to forget the Monets in favor of pig guts in formaldehyde and grafitti covered Bibles. And now we can see that the NEA is nothing more than another corrupt public entity. Sad really.
On the other hand, Iowahawk is hilarious! Love his/her work…
This was better than watching Gore cavort all over looking for the elusive and dastardly ManBearPig that has been in hibernation for the last ten years.
Keep it up Iowahawk. The world needs more quality satire like this.
Makes it a better place to live.
I am an artist ready and willing to obey!
Just one question…How do I cut the application out of my computer's monitor. I tried using scissors and now my lcd looks all weird.
Great stuff. We want more and more and more………..
thanks for mentioning that- i was going to add that to- "a vocabulary that includes “bringing utilities” and “mindspace”?" and using 'ask' as a noun. what the f___ ever happened to perfectly useful words such as 'request'?
that that happened is no evidence that many, let alone most, on the right supported it. a certain amount of that sort of political deal-making/hand-washing will always exist, but it doesn't mean we're thrilled about it.
as an artist who makes money the old fashioned way- from private patrons- i'd shut down the NEA in a heartless heartbeat.
F.A.I.L. or perhaps the Federal Art Institute of Loooooooosers…………….
the newspaper clips reminded me when i sent a quarter and return envelope for one of those buzzer rings…….
The pinnacle of political satire. I especially love the drawing of Sarah Palin. Like hunters with paintbrushes and pens they declare open season on any who dare to question their master Obama.
NEA doesn't fund individual artists, so they didn't get any money directly from them, neither has any other artist since the NEA stopped funding individuals directly. So really, no one is a "government appartchick tool" – they're all just creating art and people like you are paying attention.
Anything. For. Hope. And. Change.
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