FOUND: Bush White House NEA Conference Call Transcript
by Iowahawk[ed - Rush transcript! Leaked NEA conference call from my mom, proving the Bush Administration did it too]
TRANSCRIPT OF
CONFERENCE CALL OF THE
NATIONAL ENDOWMENT FOR THE ARTS
21-Jan-2007
MR. SMIRNOV: Hello everybodies! Who we gots on the phones here?
MR. KIETH: Toby Keith. Built Ford Tough.
MR. SMIRNOV: Hokay, buddy!
MRS. BURGE: Beverly Burge, Ocelot, Iowa. I do scrapbooking.
OAK RIDGE BOYS: Howdy! We’re the Oak Ridge Boys!
MR. SMIRNOV: Alrights, Branson in da house!
MR. HANEY: Lester Haney, Sepulpa, Oklahoma.
MR. SMIRNOV: Hey everybodies, I don’ts know if you see Lester Haney’s work, but he does some of the most beautiful chainsaw stump sculptures Yakov ever sees.
MR. HANEY: Thank you.
MR. SMIRNOV: I know you gots a gallery opening tonights at the I-35 Truck Haven in Wynnewood, so let’s move on. Who else joining us?
MRS. COHEN: Sylvia Cohen, Boca Raton Florida. Driftwood and sea shell arrangements.
MS. CZARNOSKI: Rhonda Czarnoski, McKeesport, PA. Victorian dolls.
MR. NEWTON: Wayne Newton, entertainer, Las Vegas Nevada.
MR. SMIRNOV: Tanks very much for yous to be here Wayne!
MR. NEWTON: Danke schoene. Darling, danke schoen. thank you foooor all the joy and pain. Picture showwwwws, second balcony, was the place we’d meet, second seat, go Dutch treat, you were sweet…
MR. SMIRNOV: Hokay, that’s enough Wayne. Who else?
MR. GREENWOOD: Lee Greenwood, and I’m proud to be in Bransonnnnn, where at least I know I’m free….
MR. SMIRNOV: And the buffets are half price before 6! Who else?
MR. SCHMITKE: Cody Schmitke. I’m a conceptual garden gnome-ist in New Braunfels, Texas.
MR. TABUCHI: I am Shoji! I am much honor to also be in Branson America, Smirnov-san!
BALDKNOBBERS: Howdy y’all! We’re the Baldknobbers Jamboree! Nyuk!
MR. SMIRNOV: Hokay, it looks like we gots everybodies on the telephone.
OAK RIDGE BOYS: Elvira, dohmp dohmp dohmp Elvira…
MR. SMIRNOV: Oak Ridge boys, can you puts the phone on mute? Hey, in Russia, phone mutes you! Henghenghenhgg Hokay, now is time to stop for the jokings. For all yous on the phone I am Yakov Smirnov, and I am comedy artist escape from Russia. Now the President Bush he is making me the deputy outreach coordinator for the Nationals Endowments for the Art. What a country! This is why I make this phones call with all of you today. You are all very very important buddies from the Arts community and the Crafts community and the Vegas Lounge and Branson community. Is my job to lets you buddies know how much Mr. President Bush think you doing important Arts and shows. Is totally awesome!
MR. HANEY’S CHAINSAW: vrrruuppp vruupppa winggadinggg vvvvwiiing wiiiiiiiiing
MR. SMIRNOV: Mr. Haney, you put chainsaw on mutes, hokay? Now like Yakov say, Mr. President he is like many things you do with the lawn ornaments and needlepoints and like thats. But he knows is tough out theres for the Arts people and sometimes yous have to do two buffet shows every day to make the ends meet. So he say, hey! How abouts that Nationals Art Endowments? It gots plenty money for my buddies. So he say, Yakov get my buddies together and talks about how they can go do the Art things for service to me. Oops, I mean America!
MS. CZARNOSKI: Speaking as an artist, I would first like to say, what’s my cut?
MR. SMIRNOV: Is very good question. Is very much sliding scale depending how much service yous do for Mr. Bush. I mean America community. Mister Bush he sees many places where is good for Art. Here is to explain Mr. good buddy vice president Dick Cheney.
MR. CHENEY: Hello everyone and thank you Yakov. I would like to say…
MR. SMIRNOV: Please not to shoots me, Mr. Vice Presidents!
MR. CHENEY:
MR. SMIRNOV: hhenng heh… heee…
MR. CHENEY:
MR. SMIRNOV: uh… Yakov make bad joke. Please Cheney buddy, Yakov sorry.
MR. CHENEY: As I was saying, the President and I believe the Hillbilly Arts and Entertainment community can play a crucial role in moving our country, and the political debate forward. Whether your home base is Branson or Myrtle Beach or Laughlin, whether your art is wind chimes or plywood ducks, all of you can leverage your talents to address the plight the GOP community. While winning valuable federal prizes! For example, let’s say you’re playing the weekend buffet show at an Indian bingo casino. Why not slip in a positive plug for Halliburton, or a zinger against Nancy Pelosi? I’m sure we Yakov here can find some NEA grant money to cover that as performance art. Another example — do we have any garden gnome-ists on the call?
MR. SCHMITKE: Yes.
MR. CHENEY: Great. You all know we are trying to grow support behind the surge in Iraq. Let’s say you wanted to illustrate this with an NEA grant to put a “surge” of 25,000 garden gnomes on the Capitol Hill lawn. Ka-ching, ka-ching ka-ching. That’s just the beginning. I encourage all of you to think about what you can do to support the President through your own individual creative medium, whether it is celebrity impersonation or macrame or welding whimsical mailbox stickmen.
MR. SMIRNOV: Hokey dokey. Any questions?
MRS. COHEN: Sylvia Cohen here. I guess I have two questions — one, is this art, and two, is this legal?
MR. CHENEY: Jesus Christ, those have to be the two stupidest questions I have heard since the 2000 vice presidential debate. Jeez, do I really have to explain this to you? Of course it’s legal, you idiot! Because it’s art. And it’s art because, well, what the hell isn’t? That’s the beauty of the whole NEA system. According to the manual… what exactly does it say, Smirnov?
MR. SMIRNOV: Let’s see… “art includes the expressive behaviors of ordinary people.”
MR. CHENEY: Exactly, expressive behaviors. And isn’t that what you morons do? You just happen to express yourself with bead-dazzlers and lounge music. So what? Jeez, do you know how much money the NEA shells out on ‘expressive behaviors’ made from smeared poop? For your information, it subsidizes more manure than the USDA. Hell, if it wasn’t for the PR problems I would’ve asked for an NEA grant for shooting that guy in the face. So stop this silly crap about calling yourselves ’singers’ and ‘entertainers’ and ‘doll collectors.’ You are ARTISTS, kapiche?
MR. SMIRNOV: Hokay, time for one last question.
MRS. BURGE: Beverly Burge. I’m a scrapbooker myself, but I was wondering if this program paid for writers.
MR. CHENEY: I dunno, I suppose. Why?
MRS. BURGE: Well, my son David writes, and needs some money, so I thought…
MR. CHENEY: Oh. That guy. Sorry, I don’t think we can push the standards that low.
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264 Comments
CNN might just pick this up and run with it.
Iowahawk is pure genius. Admittedly, though, I wish I hadn't clicked on the Baldknobbers link. However, that was counterbalanced by an eerily accurate channeling of Cheney.
Dave Burge deserves the next Pulitzer Prize.
If not CNN, CBS for sure. You know thier record for fact checking a story.
Ride the Ducks for Freedom!
[...] Iowahawk proves the Bush Administration did it, too! Branson in da house! [...]
Excellent work as always Dave!!
bead dazzlers and lounge music . . . 2000 lawn gnomes . . . oh my!
ROFLOL- I'd have good laugh if the fringe media ran with this as a story. Who knows, as crazy as they've acted the last few months, they might be dumb enough to do it.
Mr. Burge, you have done it again.
Iowahawk, you magnificent bastard…you've done it again.
MSNBC will surely pick this up. Olbermann will get hold of this and run like hell! He'll be accusing president Bush of his Nazi Tactics and sware that President had his own Leni Riefenstahl holed up in the oval office closet.
Dave Burge – Iowahawk – National Treasure!
What a country!
Imagine the horror of the libtard reading this only to find it's not true…oh well, run it anyway!
By the way, by dismissing Obama's behavior as "something that Bush did," is the left admitting that the Messiah has traits of the Bush era? I thought Bush was brainless and clueless?
He'll tape the show and 2 minutes before air time, he'll figure it out.
Nothing like that AG school education huh, keefie?
Iowahawk rules!! The trolls are confused. They are in a fury over at google right now as we speak – connecting their cheney dots.
[...] Iowahawk has just received a “Leaked NEA conference call from my mom, proving the Bush Administration did it too!” Here’s a satiric flashback to the [...]
MR. CHENEY:
tanks hawk!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ahsum.
dudes doan no nuthin bout expressionism, all a bunch of nihilist wimps
The most brilliant comedy writing in America today, as per usual. Thanks Mr. Iowahawk!!!
That is so funny it's not even funny. The Branson community!
You're an optimist 98 ! You give'em more credit than they deserve..
Thanks for your service to our nation..
I come from a family of Marines. My Dad in Korea, My brother in Nam. They both survived. Glad you have too..
Are you serious? Or, is this part of the joke too?
Well, hell…it took me a few lines before I realized this was a joke. Well done…THANKS!
Iowahawk strikes gold again; the man is pure D genius! Burge 2012!!
Iowahawk I don’t know if 25,000 garden gnomes would be enough? Great stuff again.
Thank you! Great posting! It's been too long since I've read something that made me smile, let alone laugh! : )
You realize, of course, that CBS/RATher, truthers and sadly the birthers will consider your post irrefutable evidence of………
Actually, soliciting contributions in kind from actual or potential grant awardees is illegal and I doubt even ObiWon and Holder can get away with not prosecuting.
I don't believe this?…. Where is the ACTUAL TAPE?… I mean, is this script doctored?? We fired some low level rats (pee-ons), so there is no way we could be at fault for running a clean agency for the last year I took over.
Does anyone here remember an old cartoon character that would raise his arm and shout “BO”? Probably 40s or 50s vintage and as I recall it was sort of a Hitler-esque sort of thing and as a child I thought the reverence BO meant body odor.
I can visualize rows of these little guys facing Barry when he is on stage with this salute. Now that would be "art"
Omigosh, too funny, once again!
Signed, Live close enough to Branson to know who all these people are.
[...] little comic relief – FOUND: Bush White House NEA Conference Call Transcript by [...]
Katie Couric just did a promo for tonight's broadcast saying BigGovernment.com reported that Bush Whitehouse had questionable conference calls with NEA that may be in violation of federal campaign statues. I guess she does not know the difference between Big Hollywood and Big Government.
[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by jd_nyc, SAndrewSwann, Kim Roy, Todd Cooperiderand others. Todd Cooperider said: Big Hollywood » Blog Archive » FOUND: Bush White House NEA Conference Call Transcript – http://shar.es/1rKSa [...]
That is hysterical!
Hey, I work in Branson. I just have one question: who the @#%@! leaked the transcript? Jim Stafford? Andy Williams? General McChrystal?
I mean, seriously: how the world are we going to keep red-blooded Americans coming here and clogging up the strip if they think the stinkin' NEA is funding us? Heck, why don't we get an intern from the New York Times to edit the Branson Daily News while we're at it?
This is really damaging, and Iowahawk must pay. It's just interstate jealousy. I mean, it's Iowa. All they've got are corn farmers. What good are Iowa corn farmers, anyway?
Oh, wait….
Now I want to hit Cheney's tip jar.
The snitch must have been the Mole, Yakov Smirnoff~'I love did country!'
You libtards should bookmark this media source for breaking news…..it's called the Onion.
MR. CHENEY: Hello everyone and thank you Yakov. I would like to say…
MR. SMIRNOV: Please not to shoots me, Mr. Vice Presidents!
ROTFLMBO!!
This was a great piece…….I needed a laugh. Thanks!!
Now, Iowahawk…fellow conservative buddy….
Whachu talkin' art smack about Myrtle Beach? Huh?
I mean, I'm East Coast all the way. ("REPRESENT!") Ain't no artists in the MB…unless you talkin' 'bout the horses in the Dixie Stampede, dude! Not even the imitation Elvis!
MB IS GOLF. OLD PEOPLE PLAY GOLF. I PLAY GOLF.
They also fart a lot. (I'm not old and I don't fart that much.)
OH, I GET IT!!!!! IT'S GASTRONOMIC ARTISTRY!
IT'S "FARTISTRY!"
Sign me up so I can get with Obama…and pass me them beans! He not gonna like what happens next!
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