Wake Up, Mrs. Petrowski
by Iowahawk
Good morning! Did you have a restful sleep? Yes, I know it’s 3 AM, I just thought… well, the whole orderly staff thought a little early morning air would do you some good after all that commotion yesterday. I have to say you’re a pretty feisty old gal for 86!
How’s that?
You’re 78?
Still, you should really take better care of yourself. Just look at those bags under your eyes! You’re no spring chicken and all that protesting just causes stress. Here, why don’t we wheel you over to the balcony so you can get some of that fresh healthful air.
Yes, I know it’s cold. But look at the spectacular 14th story view! A clear night sky full of stars, and if you lean over the railing you can see all the way down to the empty parking lot. Just like the Ferris Wheel at the 1892 World’s Fair, back when you were a little girl.
Now if I can just unlatch this… stupid… mmmp… sliding… mmph… door. Crap.
Oops! Sorry Mrs. Petrowski, pardon my French. It’s just that I was looking forward to the two of us having a nice friendly chat out there. Let me see if I call get somebody in maintenance to open it for us.
*szkrittchh*
Hi, this is Barack, the night orderly on 14. Can I get someone up here to open the balcony door in 1417? Patient Laverne Petrowski. P-E-T-R…
huh? but… okay, well then what time does his shift start?
8 am? Oh come on man, do you know how many people are in the parking lot at that time of the… okay, okay. Whatever.
*szkrittchh*
Sorry Mrs. Petrowski. With all these budget cuts and strikes, it looks like we had to cut the third shift maintenance crew. Say, how about we take you for a ride down to the cafeteria? It’s almost empty this time of day, and I bet they have that green jello you love so much. Mmm… num, num, num!
Please, Mrs. Petrowski, put down the phone. The other patients are all asleep. Besides, after that incident yesterday, you know we had to unplug it. You remember how agitated you made everybody with those crazy stories about “death panels” and what not. Remember when I was giving you the sedatives, and I explained that your mind was playing tricks on you? And how those nice men were only End-of-Life Quality Assurance Counselors?
*ding*
Okay! Elevator’s here! Next stop, bottom floor, cafeteria… aaaand… therrrre’s…
*swiiip*
a goddamn elevator car in the shaft.
sigh.
Alright, whatever. Let’s get on.
*swiiip*
Now that we’re in private, can I trust you with something Mrs. Petrowski? We just got a top secret telegraph from the War Department, and it turns out those “death panel” rumors are the work of Nazi saboteurs. And Tojo. Now, I know a patriotic gal like yourself doesn’t want to be an Axis dupe, do you? Of course not. Remember, loose lips sink ships. Think about our brave GIs fighting the Japs and Huns. If you hear Tokyo Rose or those other radio fifth columnists spreading those kind of rumors, you tell me first, okay? I’ll get the word straight to President Roosevelt and General McArthur, so ixnay on the eath-day anels-pay.
*ding*
*swiiip*
Okay, watch that doorway bump.
Mrs. Petrowski! Back in the chair, please. Am I going to have to strap you in there again? You know your hip is in no condition to be walking around on your own. Yes, I know. But we both know the committee said a hip replacement was a waste of resources for somebody like you, up in her nineties.
Alright, alright, 78. But the point is, it’s important that the hospital uses its resources wisely to contain unnecessary cost. That way we can make sure we have rooms for everybody, and still pay a living wage to our dedicated staff. Like Frank here.
Hi Frank! How do you like that new floor waxer? Umm… by the way, did you get my note about the new late night elevator procedure thing?
That Frank’s sure a great guy, Mrs. Petrowski. Salt of the earth. Just got elected to the SEIU bargaining committee. Anyway, like I was saying, it’s important for the hospital to keep a lid on costs. Instead of complaining, you should really count your blessings. After all, you’ve got that nice private room up on 14, all to yourself, with a balcony. Even if the door isn’t working. I’m guessing we could fit, oh, I don’t know, at least three or four patients in that room. Easy. I mean, after you’re gone, of course.
Hi Kathy! How’s our favorite cafeteria lady? This is Mrs. Petrowski, the patient I told you about.
Mmhm, yes, that was quite a ruckus she caused yesterday! Say, how about fixing up a plate of your special green jello for Mrs. Petrowski? Yes, the kind with the mandarin oranges and the uh, other stuff.
It’ll be just a minute Mrs. Petrowski, Kathy’s gonna make some up special, just for you. Let’s see… that’s $18.95 with tax. I’ll grab a twenty out of your purse and put the change back in. What say we grab that empty table over there.
I have to say, I really enjoy these health care conversations of ours. The best part of being an orderly is talking to old people like you, up in their 90’s and 100’s.
Right, 78. But let’s face it, Mrs. Petrowski, that puts you right up there at the average American life expectancy. So, hey, I guess you could say you’re already living on borrowed time. There’s just something extremely fascinating and wise and selfless about folks like you, so very close to the sweet release of death. Ah! Here comes Kathy with your jello.
Okay, let’s open wide for the nummy jello! Num num num! Here it comes! Here comes the choo choo train! Choo choo! Now Mrs. Petrowski, if you don’t stop fussing like that the jello train will never get to the station. Now let’s open wide, turn your head this way… no, no, this way, and…
sigh.
Okay, fine, you don’t want your jello. Boy, if I didn’t know better I’d think you were skipping your sedatives.
You’re a Christian, aren’t you, Mrs. Petrowski? Me too. I guess my favorite part of the Bible is where it talks about how we all get our allotted “three score and ten.” Seventy years, right there in the Bible. And you are, now what was it, 83?
Okay, 78. Still, that’s what, eight years over your biblical limit? That’s one amazing overtime run you’re having, I’d say. Almost unnatural. In fact, I was just mentioning you to a bunch of the people on the hospital waiting list the other day, and they were as amazed as me. Still, with all the relentless hip pain and sleepless nights like this, I can only imagine how much you long for the eternal embrace of Jesus. Sure you won’t have a little jello?
Just a bite?
sigh.
Okay, have it your way. Let’s get you back to your room, maybe they’ll have the balcony door fixed later today.
You know, we on the staff are just worried about your state of mind, what with all your outbursts and disinterest in jello. I imagine it must be very lonely for you, with your husband all your friends up there waiting in heaven. God, too. I’d like you to think of the hospital as God’s partner. And here on God’s team we just want you to know you have options. They’re all here in this brochure.
By the way, I noticed from the accounting report that you and your husband saved up quite a little nest egg there. I’m sure it must be a comfort to you that your children and grandchildren will be well cared for, even after the estate taxes. Whenever that day comes, of course.
*ding*
Hey, I just remembered! I think the roof is unlocked. How about we go up there for a look?
Mrs. Petrowski!
You shouldn’t run on your bad hip like that!
Mrs. Petrowski!
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45 Comments
8 years over your alloted biblical 70. well done
I didn't write this but:
8 years over your alloted biblical 70. well done
I didn't write this but:The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello?"
"Mrs. Sanders, please."
"Speaking."
"Mrs. Sanders, this is Dr. Jones at St. Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which."
"That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Sanders.
"Normally we can, but the new health care system will only pay for these expensive tests just one time."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The folks at Obama health care recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."
Funny, very good reading. It is nice to be able to laugh at what the future has in store for us. Mmhm Jello so green and good.
Is the jello made with Soylent Green?
Must we see that creep's picture any more than necessary??????
Must we see that creep's picture any more than necessary?????? Besides he does not seem to be smiling all that much any more.
So the ubiquitous medication Coumadin/Warfarin was once used as rat poison. It's a blood thinner, so I guess the rats ate so much that they just bled from their pores until they exsanguinated themselves.
When used correctly, it's great for anticoagulation. When used incorrectly, you get what we had here last week. Which is the way he wants it.
Is it "green jello" or soylent green?
The ubiquitous medication Coumadin/Warfarin was once used as rat poison. It's a blood thinner, so I guess the rats ate so much that they just bled from their pores until they exsanguinated themselves.
When used correctly, it's great for patients with atherosclerosis (I guess, I'm not a doctor). When used incorrectly, or if there's a failure in communication between the nurse and the doctor, you get what we had here last week. Which is the way he wants it.
Sorry about that Jo Ann
This is funny…. in a very sad way.
Very Funny! As an NRA memeber i have determined that Obviously Mrs. P's handgun was confiscated upon arrival. otherwise her 'O' Orderly would be found dead at the bottom of the elevator shaft and a suspected to be a suicide victim.
Very Funny! As an NRA member, I have determined that, Obviously, Mrs. P's handgun was confiscated upon arrival. otherwise her 'O' Orderly would be found dead at the bottom of the elevator shaft and suspected to be a suicide victim.
Somehow I see Logans Run end of life being 30 as not to far off. Of course those in congress will have special waivers that allow them to live longer.
Holy cow…you sound like you are talking from experience. O_O
Have you ever been in an elderly patient ward in a socialized system? It;'s a very sad affair. Very degrading.
[...] Here is the original post: Wake Up, Mrs. Petrowski [...]
This is funny as long as you don't consider how close we are to making it reality.
Used for atrial fibrillation (erratic heartbeat), slow circulation in the legs, any number of things that put you at risk for blood clots that could hit your brain, heart, lungs, etc. Mom is on that, blood test about every month and she's been stable on the doseage for many months now.
And you can still get coumadin rat poison, I saw it listed in a farm supply catalog.
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now now, i hear soylent green plants will need workers and workers = more cash for dealth care. it's a win win vortex!
You are correct and then there is the example of the VA and how they are treated. They pulled the "Death Handbook" for Veterans off the web site. I'm amazed with the VA, Indian Reservations, Medicare, etc. as examples of how things will be run, anybody would consider it. Of course, some will argue that Medicare is successful. It costs 10x more than originally predicted and is unsustainable (Obama even admitted it). So expanding it is the answer? If the media wasn't so complicate and the three alternative bills were given some consideration, there might be hope. I'm afraid this will all come to pass while we sleep. Like the smart grid that got funding in the stimulus bill.
I am, by the grace of God, hanging in there. How are you doing?
Awesome again Iowahawk, but you forgot the pillow, a wonderful orderly’s tool as God’s partner.
I have been saying this since "Logans Run" Daschle (now behind the scenes), Sebelius, & Holden were appointed. I bet Sebelius & Holden have the "Palm Attached Age Identifier" all mapped out & ready to go.
[...] more: Wake Up, Mrs. Petrowski This entry is filed under America – Blogs, Big Hollywood. You can follow any responses to this [...]
An interesting piece of fiction, to be sure, but I take issue with where you published it… I do believe that the readers of the blog site might take this story seriously.
[...] as they please, but they have no right to touch a dollar of the public money for that purpose. Wake Up, Mrs. Petrowski – bighollywood.breitbart.com 08/25/2009 Good morning! Did you have a restful sleep? Yes, I know [...]
How dare you! You are all a bunch of racist, Right Wing, gun owning, fear mongers intent on destroying American Democracy (nevermind that it is a Republic). You should all be ashamed of yourselves. I am reporting all of you to the White House this instant. If Acorn thugs drag you out of your homes and beat you senseless, understand that you brought this on yourselves. Who do you think you are to assume that you are mentally fit to make decisions for yourselves without a tax-payer funded Review Board first determining that you are fit to make such a judgement? Is this the kind of example you want to set for OUR children? Now do what all good AmeriKans are expected to do, and get your families in line for mandatory Flu vaccinations!
That was really kind of a lame cheap shot, considering you came in at the end of the first comments page. See anybody above you who is "taking this story seriously"?
We aren't the bunch of idiots you think we are.
" Have you ever been in an elderly patient ward in a socialized system? It;'s a very sad affair. Very degrading. "
That is just how they want it. Oh, you can't shake the blues? Can't get out of bed? Well, I am sorry, but according to your directive, you are already supposed to be offed three times over. As a result we will have to give you a third of the death cocktail. What? No. You'll still die, but just slower and more painfully. We will put in the DVD of your family waxing lyrical about the burden you are causing by remaining alive. That should hasten things.
Hooray for the New America!
Yep, thats me, a racist, right wing, gun[s] owning, fear mongering American.
BTW…This is a much watch. Send it along.
I had never hear this guy speak, he did a good job. I hope we hear from him often and others like him.
Papa Ray
West Texas
The Second Amendment is a doomsday provision, one designed for those exceptionally rare circumstances where all other rights have failed – where the government refuses to stand for reelection and silences those who protest; where courts have lost the courage to oppose, or can find no one to enforce their decrees. However improbable these contingencies may seem today, facing them unprepared is a mistake a free people get to make only once.
2009 Judge Alex Kozinski
8 years over your allotted biblical 70. well done
I didn't write this but:
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello?"
"Mrs. Sanders, please."
"Speaking."
"Mrs. Sanders, this is Dr. Jones at St. Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which."
"That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Sanders.
"Normally we can, but the new health care system will only pay for these expensive tests just one time."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The folks at Obama health care recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."
Iowahawk has a wicked sense of humor! Much truth is said in jest and there are far too many horror stories of neglect of "old" people. All they want is peace and dignity. They certainly deserve those simple things.
Now, I'm afraid that we are about to see the "real" Obama.
In many ways it is reality, especially in extreme senility cases where the mind is gone, period, they are down to automatic responses. Then comes a denial of life-saving treatment in favor of "keeping them comfortable," as family must reconsider that "Do anything!" Advance Directive filed on admission to the nursing home, review what really were the loved one's wishes and perhaps what they would have been "had they only known," while considering dwindling financial resources as Medicare Does Not Care about end-of-life long-term care.
The Important Difference, now these are decisions between the family and the providers, government is not directing them, at least anymore than they are by ignoring long-term care which is increasingly becoming a necessity, not a choice.
Well, that's what I've been having to consider today, with my Dad being technically still alive. How's your day going?
[...] Big Hollywood » Blog Archive » Wake Up, Mrs. Petrowski bighollywood.breitbart.com/dburge/2009/08/25/wake-up-mrs-petrowski – view page – cached Good morning! Did you have a restful sleep? Yes, I know it’s 3 AM, I just thought… well, the whole orderly staff thought a little early morning air would do you some good after all that commotion yesterday. I have to say you’re a pretty feisty old gal for 86! — From the page [...]
My mother-in-law was in the hospital at age 83. Let's face it, her body was starting to breakdown. She went in for a minor thing that should have taken 2 days to correct. For some reason the hospital kept her in going on 3 weeks. I went to visit her everyday so I got a good feel for a socialized elderly ward.
Nearly every person who was on the ward with her ended up dying instead of getting better which I thought was odd. Several people were told up front that they couldn't go home. These were adults saying that they wanted to be released and were told NO.
At the end of the day, my mother-in-law died of mysterious causes on the day she was due to be released. This is where single payer/universal/ public option health care ends up–guaranteed.
that's exactly the movie i was thinking of, too.
Sad to hear. Good to know you're leaning on God for peace and support. My parents are fairly young and now in good health. I'm 48, they are 67. My father went through prostrate surgery two years ago and my mother dodged the breast cancer bullet with a dbl. mastectomy a couple of months ago. Early diagnosis of each was crucial to success. I'd hate to imagine how this would have turned out under Obamacare. I'll keep you in my prayers.
Oh, please, Paolo. Have you seen a single person commenting above "take it seriously"?? Granted, if national health care passes it could get to the point of the article above, but – believe it or not – we here on the Right *do* have a sense of humor and we *do* think and think critically. Unless or until you wish to actually debate a subject in an adult way, please find another playground. That is all.
Thanks so much for the link. A remarkably calm, fact-based, and thoughtful summarization stating the essential faults of "Obamacare." Off to forward it to my entire Address Book!!!
Eh, fine, this has been going on a long time. We saw him at the hospital, no word yet when or if they'll move him back over, considering what got him rushed there, what else they found, and (surprise!) a MRSA infection that "just happened."
You notice how we're hardwired to look for "human" behavior? How people will say how human their pets are, and even inanimate objects will act almost human? And then you watch the eyes track you, or any large object, and see the hands make some motion, grasping something they brush against, and…
I would hate to give Barry and cronies any ammo, however… In the Christian faith we shared, I find the certain knowledge he will be restored, be even greater. And I ask myself, why am I keeping him here and away from his reward? Or should I say, I used to ask.
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