Heere Bigynneth the Tale of the Asse-Hatte.
by IowahawkAn Archbishop of Canterbury Tale
With apologies to Geoffrey Chaucer
1 Whan in Februar, withe hise global warmynge
2 Midst unseasonabyl rain and stormynge
3 Gaia in hyr heat encourages
4 Englande folke to goon pilgrimages.
5 Frome everiches farme and shire
6 Frome London Towne and Lancanshire
7 The pilgryms toward Canterbury wended
8 Wyth fyve weke holiday leave extended
9 In hybryd Prius and Subaru
10 Off the Boughton Bypasse, east on M2.
11 Fouer and Twyntie theye came to seke
12 The Arche-Bishop, wyse and meke
13 Labouryte and hippye, Gaye and Greene
14 Anti-warre and libertyne
15 All sondry folke urbayne and progressyve
16 Vexed by Musselmans aggressyve.
17 Hie and thither to the Arche-Bishop’s manse
18 The pilgryms ryde and fynde perchance
19 The hooly Bishop takynge tea
20 Whilste watching himselfe on BBC.
21 Heere was a hooly manne of peace
22 Withe bearyd of snow and wyld brows of fleece
23 Whilhom stoode athwart the Bush crusades
24 Withe peace march papier-mache paraydes.
25 Sayeth the pilgryms to Bishop Rowan,
26 “Father, we do not like howe thynges are goin’.
27 You know we are as Lefte as thee,
28 But of layte have beyn chaunced to see
29 From Edinburgh to London-towne
30 The Musslemans in burnoose gowne
31 Who beat theyr ownselfs with theyr knyves
32 Than goon home and beat theyr wyves
33 And slaye theyr daughtyrs in honour killlynge
34 Howe do we stoppe the bloode fromme spillynge?”
35 The Bishop sipped upon hys tea
36 And sayed, “an open mind must we
37 Keep, for know thee well the Mussel-man
38 Has hys own laws for hys own clan
39 So question not hys Muslim reason
40 And presaerve ye well social cohesion.”
41 Sayth the libertine, “’tis well and goode
42 But sharia goes now where nae it should;
43 I liketh bigge buttes and I cannot lye,
44 You othere faelows can’t denye,
45 But the council closed my wenching pub,
46 To please the Imams, aye thaere’s the rub.”
47 Sayeth the Bishop, strokynge his chin,
48 “To the Mosque-man, sexe is sinne
49 So as to staye in his goode-graces
50 Cover well thy wenches’ faces
51 And abstain ye Chavs from ribaldry
52 Welcome him to our communitie.”
53 “But Father Williams,” sayed the Gaye-manne
54 “Though I am but a layman
55 The Mussleman youthes hath smyte me so
56 Whan on streets I saunter wyth my beau.”
57 Sayed the Bishop in a curt replye
58 “I am as toolrant as anye oothere guy,
59 But if Mussleman law sayes no packynge fudge,
60 Really nowe, who are we to judge?”
61 Then bespake the Po-Mo artist,
62 “My last skulptyure was hailed as smartest
63 Bye sondry criticks at the Tate
64 Whom called it genius, brillyant, greate
65 A Jesus skulpted out of dunge
66 Earned four starres in the Guardian;
67 But now the same schtick withe Mo-ha-med
68 Has earned a bountye on my hed.”
69 Sayed the Bishop, “that’s quyte impressyve
70 To crafte a Jesus so transgressyve
71 But to do so with the Muslim Prophet
72 Doomed thy neck to lose whats off it.
73 Thou should have showen mor chivalrie
74 In committynge such a blasphemie.”
75 And so it went, the pilgryms all
76 Complaynynge of the Muslim thrall;
77 To eaches same the Bishop lectured
78 About the cultur fabrick textured
79 With rainbow threyds from everie nation
80 With rainbow laws for all situations.
81 “But Father Rowan, we bathyr nae one
82 We onlye want to hav our funne!”
83 “But the Musselman is sure to see
84 Thy funne as Western hegemony.
85 ’Tis not Cristian for Cristians to cause
86 The Moor to live by Cristendom’s laws
87 Whan he has hise sovereyn culture
88 Crist bade us put ours in sepulture.
89 To be divyne we must first be diverse
90 So cheer thee well, thynges could be wors
91 Sharia is Englishe as tea and scones,
92 So everybody muste get stoned.”
93 The pilgryms shuffled for the door
94 To face the rule of the Moor;
95 Poets, Professors, Starbucks workers
96 Donning turbans, veils and burqqas.
97 As they face theyr fynal curtan
98 Of Englande folk, one thynge is certan:
99 Dying by theyr own thousande cuts,
100 The Englande folk are folking nuts.
101 BURMA SHAVE
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71 Comments
I think I love you.
Lines 1-100 were genius. Line 101 was sheer f^&*()% brilliance.
effin genius…
This is hilARious! And you worked in some Sir MIx-A-Lot too!__
Excellent! Mark Steyn would be proud. Especially loved lines 43 and 44.
Not to mention the Dylan.
Iowahawk, thee be above and beyond he that be great and AWWsome!
This is hilarious. All I need is my former English Lit. proff to show up and read it because he had the best voice. HAH!
I can just see Alastaire Cooke, sitting in front of a crackling hearth, donning a red smoking jacket and with pipe in hand reciting this tale of asse-hatte so clear. Freakin' Brilliant. Thanx Hawk.
I'm goinge to make ye pilgrimage to Iowahawke and saye,
"Ime nought worthie!"
Y'all know that Middle English and "Words Spelled Funny" are not the same thing right?
required reading on the islamicization of England is GK Chesterton's fiction The Flying Inn; an innkeeper takes his beer and cheese with him throughout the countryside as inns are closed
Y'all know that Middle English and "Words Spelled Funny" are not the same thing right?
Report Post reply » 1 minute ago
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If you have a sense of humor please let us know. My my you leftistard surely do take yourselves far too seriously. Hmmmm can we call the Democrat party the No Fun Party? I think yes. And as far as Middle English..tell me dear boy have you ever read middle english? Just a question. Am waiting for the sound of silence because I am sure you A never read a line of Middle English and B wouldn't understand it if you had.
I mean, if your definition of "funny" is "making up crazy sounding words" (like the words in this piece or the weirdly-cumbersome-for-a-catchy-neologism "leftistard"), perhaps you should check out 4chan
Oh my God…. Woof!
Lola, I do believe she just answered your question without actually meaning to…..
I think that it would have been funnier if it had more references to Volvo's, lattes and Birkenstocks.
Test
Folking brylliante.
Sir, you continue to raise the bar. Excellent.
Forsooth, thou art geniusse, man.
With apologies to Virginia Woolf, “Literature is strewn with the wreckage of those who have minded beyond reason the opinion of others.”
I congratulate you, sir, on your smashingly brilliant literary success in illuminating the "minding beyond reason" – nay, the abject subjugation! – that is the wreckage of an entire nation bowed to the opinion of others (others wearing bed sheets, that is.)
Bravo! Well done!
DAYUM, that was good, 'Hawk! I've been writing a lot about the Anglicans since 2003 and this kicks the crap out of anything I've ever written about that broccoli-shaped non-entity.
[...] UPDATE: Looking on the bright side, Dr. Williams making the papers means we can revisit this classic. [...]
Professor George "Cupcakes" McCluskey would be proud! "She was, so charitble and piteous, she wouldda wepe if that she saw a mous, caugt in a trappe"
Just folking brilliant. Recommending it to a 17 year old of my acquaintance. He's a published writer, so I'm sure he'll get it all. Though I might have to explain BURMA SHAVE.
Wow. I raise a glass of Ypocras to you.
This is one of my favorites!
Oh my gosh!! Wonderful!! I'm saving this to read over and over and over and over. Egads, you're BRILLIANT! I think I too love you.
Classic stuff. I can only imagination the type of illuminated manuscript this thing could be part of. Thank you for posting it.
Correction: Classic stuff. I can only IMAGINE the type of illuminated manuscript this thing could be A part of. Thank you for posting it.
Just perfect. These lines by themselves nail the "liberal" religious style in general: To eaches same the Bishop lectured / About the cultur fabrick textured / With rainbow threyds from everie nation / With rainbow laws for all situations.
My favorite (because it renders me physically helpless with laughter every time) is still Hunter S. Thompson hitching a ride with the Scooby gang to cover the Harlem Globetrotters game at the haunted Mayan temple, but this is satire of the highest order.
Illuminated..ah yes. That would be a sight. Takers?
I never thought I would ever see humor in Middle English (made up or otherwise) after slogging through Chaucer in college (sadly, about the time that Chaucer actually wrote the original). When you first did this on your own site a few months back, I sent it to everyone I know. Who would have thought that the Archbishop of Dragqueens would make if funny all over again with his latest braying?
This the most brilliant parody I have ever read, and I appreciate it even more since I have been reading the British papers for several years now. Old Blightly is doomed I fear.
Hunter S. Thompson hitching a ride with the Scooby gang to cover the Harlem Globetrotters game at the haunted Mayan temple
…what?!
Oh, this is awesome! I loved Chaucer in college.
Very clever on the whole, but line 43 containeth a grievous grammatical error. No true Englishman ever said "I liketh." The -eth ending applieth ONLY to the third person singular. He liketh, she liketh and it liketh, but NEVER I. Also, the "Burma Shave" ending is appropriate to the 20th century, not the 15th, and therefore were best omitted.
[...] related: Burge’s “Tale of Asse-Hatte” reprised at Big Hollywood Posted by Dan Collins @ 7:27 am | Trackback SHARETHIS.addEntry({ title: “House of Mirth-a III [...]
Truly funny Iowahawk! Doubly so as a down and out Ex-pat in the UK counting down the days until I can get back to reason and sanity (or the Obamanation version there of).
Funny stuff! I look forward to your blog somewhat like my, "National Lampoon magazines arrival. Keep'em coming.
Dude…………
Regards,
Salman
Dear Iowahawk,
I would love to get your phone number, I bet you are so cute !! Let's get together.
Padma Lakshmi
I am envious of your talent!
Pure brilliance!
If you're really Padma Lakshmi, I'm as cute as you're used to. And willing to risk the fatwa!
Just dial KLondike-eck, dho theen char ponj.
If you're really Padma Lakshmi, I'm as cute as you're used to. And willing to risk the fatwa!
Just dial KLondike-ponj, eck dho theen char.
Blucas needs to get laid. What a soulless shrew.
[...] Bigynneth the Tale of the Asse-Hatte. Iowahawk. It’s all you need to know. Posted by Tom Elia in Satire at 10:50 | Comments (0) | Trackbacks (0) [...]
Dave,
An oldie, but definately a good one! As someone who has read Middle English, as it is referred to here, I thought it was a wicked awesome job.
Di
Oh, Honey, lighten up! The purpose of this poem, as I suspect you really understand, was NOT the faux Middle English language, but a commentary on the frightening fact that Islam is taking over Europe. The very people who should be defending their own religion are letting it happen in the name of pc tolerance and diversity. Come on, this piece is darn funny.
[...] Enjoy. [...]
Garofaloesque.
[...] Iowawawk’s Chaucer-esque recounting of Great Britain’s fatal affair with accommodation and appeasement is, sadly, both hilarious and true. It starts a bit slow, but give it a chance! [...]
Amen.
This should be memorized by pimpledfaced youths and chavs of the world.
Wow, that's a mouthful. Point well-taken, sir.
"Hunter S. Thompson hitching a ride with the Scooby gang to cover the Harlem Globetrotters game at the haunted Mayan temple
…what?! "
Seconded…
Woote, woote!
Iowahawk, you put me in stitches!
Simply wonderful. And I, too, would love to see the illuminated manuscript.
What's Middle English for "LMFAO?" Good on ye, old boy!
Right-on o lover of the church of accelleration and speed
I think that is a wee bit harsh… sounds more to me like a nice young girl suffering from the effects of the indoctration that passes for higher education these days.
"91 Sharia is Englishe as tea and scones, 92 So everybody muste get stoned.” "100 The Englande folk are folking nuts. 101 BURMA SHAVE"
Thanks for the hilarity! I'm sending the link to this page to my friends, especially those now residing in the "Grand Caliphates of Great Britain, Scotland, and Northern Ireland."
Now that the election has inflicted at least four years of water torture upon us, how about your own personal rendition of "Paradise Lost?"
[...] Iowahawk’s latest hilarious satire. [...]
You, sir, just revived meaning for my having attained that B.A. in English.
For DrMorbius, Jake, and others: http://iowahawk.typepad.com/iowahawk/2005/02/fear...
Also, the Lutefisk Revolt: http://iowahawk.typepad.com/iowahawk/2005/05/news...
Cheers
Sorry I didn't see your reply to soothe your confusion….but see TODAY's (Feb 25) IowaHawk posting and just sit back in awe…
Eye wonnder if ye Arch Bishoppe has read it ?
Iowahawk is in our parlance, a taonga.
Sheer genius.
Very Goog
[...] Iowahawk in Big Hollywood: [...]
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