Driving Mr. Daschle
by Iowahawk“Good morning.”
“Where to this morning?”
“Let me check my BlackBerry… Looks like I’ve got a 10 am meeting at Alston & Bird, then lunch at the Palm with Leo Hindery. After that I’ve got to drop by the bank to cash some checks.”
“Yes sir, I’ll keep the motor running.”
CLUNK
CLUNK
*BZZZ*
“Yes Mr. Daschle?”
“Could you please lower the glass?”
ZZWIFFFT
“Is there something you need sir?”
“Oh… I… no. I just thought we ought to have a chance to talk. How long have you been driving me, Edward?”
“It’s Ernest, sir.”
“Oh yes, of course. Ernest. I guess I had you confused with the doorman at the apartment. So, um… how long have we been doing this Ernest? What, two years?”
“Think it’s close to four years, sir.”
“Really? Huh. Guess time flies when you’re having fun.”
“That’s what they say, I guess.”
“Yessirree, couple of old pals, out on the prowl in the ol’ District of Columbia.”
“Yes sir.”
“Doin’ the errands. Goin’-to-the-meetin’. Ma-kin’-the-cah-pees.”
“Sir?”
“We are two wild and ca-razee guys! Do you watch Saturday Night Live, Ernest?”
“Sometimes.”
“Funny, funny show.”
“Yes sir.”
“I really like that Chris Rock guy. He’s an African-American like you, you know.”
“Yes sir, I know.”
“Please Edward, enough of the ’sir.’ we’ve known each other long enough that I think you can call me Tom.”
“It’s Ernest, sir.”
“Oh yes, sorry about that. It just seems that we ought to be on a first name basis, being good friends and all.”
“Well I… I’m sorry Mr. Daschle, it’s against A-1 Limousine company policy.”
“Come on Ernest, ‘Tom.’ My father is ‘Mr. Daschle.’ Don’t you think that’s a silly formality for two pals like us?”
“If it’s all the same, sir, I’m just really not that comfortable with it.”
“Okay, no pressure, Ernest.”
“Thank you sir.”
“Pheeeewww, cold one today, isn’t it?”
“Yes sir, sure is.”
“Reminds me of South Dakota. I used to live in South Dakota, you know. Ever been to South Dakota, Ernest?”
“No sir, can’t say that I have.”
“Cold place. Not too many good restaurants or law firms in South Dakota.”
“I suppose not.”
“Not many African-Americans either.”
“That so?”
“Don’t get me wrong, Ernest, you’d be totally welcome there.”
“That’s a relief, sir.”
“Still, not many. I guess what I’m saying is that it’s great to be here in Washington, where I have a chance to make friends with some really great African-Americans. Like you.”
“Thank you sir.”
“Hey, how about that election, huh?”
“Yes sir.”
“Quite a deal, am I right?”
“Yes sir, that was really something, Mr. Daschle.”
“You must be pretty excited, being an African-American and all.”
“Yes sir.”
“Your family too, I bet. You have a family, Edward?”
“Yes sir. A wife and a grown daughter.”
“Wow! Just when you think you know everything about somebody. You know, you should call my secretary, I’ll tell her to get you and your family tickets for some inaugural events.”
“That’s very kind of you sir.”
“Oh, come on, Edw… Ernest, it’s the least I can do for a good friend.”
“Thank you.”
“Read the Post much Ernest?”
“A little, I guess. Mostly the sports.”
“Well, you know, my name has been popping up in the A section a lot recently. I’m rumored to be in line for a cabinet job.”
“Is that right?”
“Mmm hmm. And I got a little secret for you.”
“What’s that sir?”
“The rumors are… drumroll please… true! You are now driving the next United States Secretary of Heath and Human Services!”
“Congratulations, Mr. Daschle. That sure sounds like quite an accomplishment.”
“Yes sirree bob. Quite an irony, isn’t it, Ernest?”
“How’s that, sir?”
“I mean, well, me, having an African-American as a boss. Well, not that it’s like I’m really your boss or anything. Us being good friends and all.”
“I guess not, sir.”
“But there’s this craziest thing, though.”
“What’s that?”
“Some stupid little tax complication.”
“It’s always something, I guess.”
“You said it, Ernest. Seems that there’s this rule that says that I have to claim these fun little drives of ours as income. Isn’t that crazy?”
“Yes sir, I guess so. That’s why I let H&R Block do mine.”
“I mean, we’re just out here havin’ a good time, Edward and Tom, two buddies out seeing the sights of Washington. So I asked my accountant, how in the world can that be taxable income?”
“No idea, Mr. Daschle.”
“Exactly. Now the accountant says I might be stuck with a $100,000 bill for it.”
“whewww! That’s a lot of money, sir.”
“So, I told that accountant that Ernest can’t help it if Mr. Hindery gives him a lot of free time to goof around with his old friend Tom.”
“If you say so, sir.”
“So, Ernest, I don’t want you to worry about getting into trouble. If you get called by the IRS men to testify, just tell them the truth. About how you really work for Mr. Hindrey, and how these all little joy rides of ours are just us playing hookey.”
“Hookey, sir?”
“Exactly! I’ve already talked to Mr. Hindery about it, and he is ready to forgive you. One other thing, Edward…”
“Ernest.”
“Damn! Sorry again. Out of curiosity, does A-1 Limousine keep records? About mileage and all that?”
“Yes sir. Very complete.”
“Passengers, and time and such?”
“Yes sir, it’s all in the computer. It’s how we get paid.”
“Shit.”
“Here we are Mr. Daschle, your 10 am meeting at Alston & Bird.”
CLICK
BEEM BEEM BEEM
CLUNK
CLICK
“Thank you Ernest.”
CLUNK
“Do you want me to wait here like usual, sir?”
“Yes, I’ll have the receptionist call you when I’m ready to be picked up. One other thing, Ernest.”
“Yes sir?”
“About those inauguration tickets… I remember I may actually need to hold on to them.”
“Yes sir.”
“Glad you understand.”
CLICK
CLUNK
“Motherfucker.”
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10 Comments
That’s up there with Living Colour’s “Riding Miss Daisy.”
“I used to live in South Dakota.”
Heh.
Hey Highplainsdrifter. Me too! I moved to Rapid City for a new job and considered it one of my perks to be able to vote against him.
Well, maybe it was a tad amusing, but why the need for the M-FER ending??? Humor does not have to be DIRTY or COARSE, to be funny.
Oh by the way Mr. Tom, I read the Washington Times.
Rush used have a skit on the radio called The Tom Dascle show, Tom has a late night talk show and no callers, when he does get calls and picks up the phone
it is Rush on the line laughing at him with a– hee hee hee, Tom freaks out and says lets go to a commercial now. Funny stuff.
A. Far – February 5th, 2009 at 7:06 am
What was Daschle REALLY shoved out for? I don’t think a little thing like taxes is it. Why has Geitner not resigned?
I have been asking that same question about ole Timmy G. The ONE person that needed to be pulled, is the one that gets in….. Man,whats up with that?
Daschle really did get shoved out, at least on the surface, by the tax issue. Odds are good though there was probably a lot more too it and we’ll probably never know what exactly happened because the people that supposedly “vetted” Tom probably took a much closer look at him after the tax issue came up and most likely they ran for cover real quick.
Funny how after all that “Hope and Change” rhetoric and all that lip service he gave to having a “ethical” government without a cabinet full of lobbiests and washington insiders, the vast majority of his nominations have been exactly that. Overprivledged people who have been living off the public dole for years in one majorly overpaid capacity or another, most of whom seem to have major ethics problems.
Rather difficult not to be considered on monster hypocrite at the very least when you spend most of your public life supposedly raising “taxes” on the “rich” like your some man of the people, at least until the people find out that the reason you don’t mind raising taxes on yourself is because you just plan on cheating your way out of paying most of them anyway.
Yup, barely a little over 2 weeks in and all that hope and change crap is already out the window, were back to corrupt nanny state 101 already.
Hawk, you got me again. Too funny.
It is good have limo drivers that are courteous to the core and do not violate the car rental’s policies at any cost.
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