Ten Things You Can Do To Save The Planet
by IowahawkA Go-Green Guide for the Hollywood Community
More than ten years after the Kyoto accords, our planet continues to careen helplessly toward certain environmental destruction. The skies are choked with pollutants. Adorable helpless polar bears plunge through thinning ice caps. Ben Affleck still can’t find a decent comeback project.
The signs are ominous, but it’s not too late to do something. As a member of the entertainment community, you are uniquely qualified to save our planet from coming climate disaster. But it will take more than raising awareness — it will take action. Have your personal assistant add these 10 to-dos to your Blackberry, and let’s get the Earth on the road to recovery!
1. Reduce Water Consumption. One single dripping faucet or flushed bidet may not seem to be much of an environmental threat, but those numbers really add up when you’re hosting an NRDC fundraiser for Laurie David and all 10 of your bathrooms are in use. When possible, encourage guests to pee in the pool, and remind them that “if it’s yellow, let it mellow.” Unless you’re serving asparagus canapes.
2. “Green Begins At Home.” Whether you live in East Hampton or Topanga Canyon, there are dozens of little things you can do around your compound to reduce your carbon footprint. For instance, tell your groundskeeping crew to plant a tree. Save your leftover foie gras to grow your own homemade organic Botox. Turn off your energy wasting security cameras between 1 AM and 7 AM. If you own a vanity cattle ranch in Montana, email the trail boss and tell him/her to add Beano to your herd’s feed to reduce ozone-depleting methane emissions.
3. Upgrade To a New Gulfstream G550. Next time you take off for Cannes or Sundance or that big Environmental Defense Fund gala, stop and think how much fuel that clunky old G450 is using. Not only does the new G550 have real burled walnut and 10.8% better fuel efficiency, it has smoother ride — meaning 20% fewer annoying turbulence-related Cristal and cocaine spills. And with a maximum cruising speed of Mach 0.885 you’ll never be late for the red carpet at the Palm d’Or!
4. Crush a Third World Economic Development Movement. One of the most pressing threats facing our environment is rising income in Africa, Asia, and Latin America. A generation ago these proud little dark people were happily frolicking in the rain forest, foraging for organic foods amid the wonders of nature. Today, corrupted by wealth, they are demanding environmentally hazardous consumer goods like cars and air conditioning and malaria medicine. You can do your part to stop this dangerous consumerism trend by supporting environmentally progressive leaders like Hugo Chavez and Robert Mugabe, and their programs for sustainable low-impact ecolabor camps.
5. Don’t Reproduce. Many people are shocked when they learn that fewer than 25% of the Screen Actors Guild have been spayed or neutered. Sure, babies make great fashion accessories and it’s fun to give them awesome names, like Kumquat Wildebeest Paltrow and Toploader Enchilada Cage. But these miniature humans will eventually grow up and begin ravenously eating up the Earth’s depleted reserves of aux pairs and psychotherapists.
6. Use Alternative Fuel Motorcades. Let’s face it: whether you are on an international press junket or going to an awards banquet, limousine motorcades are a way of life. But this doesn’t mean you can’t make your red carpet entrance in an eco-friendly way. When possible, tell your publicity team to request a electric, hybrid, or E-85 stretch limo for you and your entourage. Later, when you are vomiting outside the Viper Club, encourage the paparazzi to share the photos to conserve high-energy-use camera flash pods.
7. Avoid Over-Packaged Products. Just look at all the wasteful packaging that goes into your DVDs and CDs: bulky plastic jewel cases, annoying and unnecessary anti-theft devices, price stickers. To reduce the use of petrochemicals, encourage your fans to download copies of your latest album or movie straight from the internet — for free! When they realize it sucks even worse than the reviews on BitTorrent, they can simply erase it from their hard drive instead of sending it to the landfill.
8. Go On a Random Killing Spree. The scientific debate is over: our current environmental mess is caused by an oversupply of human beings, and it’s high time we address these two-legged eco problems head on. Next time you’re on your way to a location shoot, do a little location shooting of your own – Biggie/Tupac style. Have the driver lower the tinted windows and pop a few caps on behalf of Mother Earth. Not only will you be doing the environment a good turn, it will earn you valuable youth market “street cred.”
9. Destroy The Entertainment Industry. Science shows that no single sector of the economy exemplifies America’s obscene energy waste more than show business. Witness the untold megatons of carbon released into the atmosphere every year by the production and consumption of entertainment, with no objective benefit to society. It all adds up to one gigantic, mindless, Earth-raping waste of time, and will take the commitment of progressive industry leaders like you to stop it. Before greenlighting any new project, make sure it contains at least 85% organic recycled preachy self-indulgence. By ridding your products of their dangerous popular appeal, you can keep the public where they belong — at home, with the TV off, playing eco-friendly board games like ‘Scrabble’ and ‘Mystery Date.’
10. Commit Suicide. As an eco-aware, planetary resource parasite, you will eventually want to kill yourself to spare the environment any further damage that your personal existence has already caused. However, it is important that you plan your suicide carefully as not to disturb the ecosystem’s delicate balance. Self immolation, while poignant, can release up to 50 kg of airborne fluorocarbons. Why not try the the hot new Malibu trend, ritual Japanese sepukku? it’s exotic, elegant, and your intact corpse will make a great compost pile addition!
Email this to a friend | Print |
Share on Facebook
| Tweet this
| 
Follow Us on Twitter
Subscribe via RSS
Tips & Feedback
112 Comments
Thanks for another great column. Cage match – Iowahawk v. The Tennessee Twoton.
When possible, encourage guests to pee in the pool, and remind them that “if it’s yellow, let it mellow.” Unless you’re serving asparagus canapes.
LMAO I cant stop Laughing You are funny. keep it up please.
I hate liberals!
Mr BLIFIL, should be Mr. Missdapoint Compleeetley.
I think you overlooked “don’t ever open your mouth—lest all that hot air escape and endanger us all.”
“Go ahead and consume as wastefully as you can, because that’s patriotic or something.”
A lot of Hollywood is ahead of you. Those planes flying to the Inauguration didn’t run on hopes, dreams, unsold copies of Earth in the Balance or Michael Moore’s flatulence.
MR BLIFIL – January 26th, 2009 at 6:57 pm
Haven’t you heard? Using the Internet leads to carbon emission.
Your comment just created enough carbon to kill three polar bears.
And you comment quite a lot. I weep for the bears because of you.
But at least you’re doing something constructive with your bear-killing (giving your opinion to people who are tired of it already from which you get some kind of twisted self-fulfillment) instead of something silly like consuming goods and employing people.
MR BLIFIL, do you drool like that all the time, and how in heaven’s name can you cross your eyes so wildly?
Iowahawk: Yet another tour de force.
Um yeah, the global warming theory is to distract regular Americans from abortion. The democrats slaughter atleast 50 million innocent American babies that were minding their own business in wombs. You need an alibi and something else to talk about now, democrats can say well I may have murdered cute little babies in the sanctuary of the womb but atleast I’m not killing the intire Earth with my suv. Global Warming Theory is just that, a THEorY.
Cold hard Science does not support the global warming theory, al gore disciples can try to doctor the numbers but they already got caught doing that redhanded. When the North Pole gets hot the South Pole gets cold, the Earth was made with great precision by GOD ALMIGHTY, it all balances out. If the Earth were a little bit closer or farther from the Moon all life on Earth would die. Precise Creation!
GOD Bless America, Land That I Love, Stand Beside Her And Guide, don’t let the kyoto protocol tie Her hands and have the international community have it’s way with HER!!!!!!!!!!!!! For the last time, theories that don’t hold water get lost
love babies don’t abort them, tear down abortion clinics and build Orphanages.
Proud To Be An American…
The Flag Was Still There!!!
Thank You President George Washington and your dear Friends in the First Continental Congress, Praise JESUS, The MESSIAH payed my sin debt at Calvary
…and Iowahawk. Good article, I would have personally killed ten polar bears and a couple of baby seals just to read it.
Thanks.
South Park’s take on global warming:
http://www.popmodal.com/video/512/Global-Warming-Attacks-South-Park
DAVID MARCOE – January 26th, 2009 at 7:55 pm
“the only thing you[Mr Blifil] can come up with is an ad hominem attack”
Yes. And the missing of the point is intentional.
You mean like heroic FlyBoy McLame, who mocked Obama by insulting him about tire gauges, and then had to walk it back when he was notified that Obama was correct to say that proper tire inflation saves gas?
Wow, I have never met a person so proud of their ignorance. It’s a gift man, don’t ever change. Obama didn’t say that inflating tires would save gas, he said that properly inflating tires (assuming he actually knows the accurate number of people who don’t do so) would equal the amount of oil we could find off shore on the West Coast, in Anwar, and in oil shale in Colorado. Since that amount is more than all the oil Saudi Arabia ever had, it seems pretty obvious (even to a Liberal) that his statement was without any merit whatsoever.
Thankfully he can depend on people like you to buy it hook, line and sinker. Chris Matthews says thanks.
The Oscars could easily be done with Skype. That’d be setting a good example.
Not to worry, everyone. “Mr. Blifil” is in reality a conservative, seeking to advance the cause through the creation of a caricature – a straw man which will discredit the left. I mean, it’s obvious. His comments are so absurd and so irrational that no human being with an IQ high enough to be literate could possibly believe them.
Keep it up, Blifil! But you need to work on the subtlety of your satire a bit. I can see you’re doing that by studying the master Iowahawk so closely, though.
[...] Ten Things You Can Do To Save The Planet 26 January 2009 1 views No Comment by Iowahawk A Go-Green Guide for the Hollywood Community More than ten years after the Kyoto accords, our planet continues to careen helplessly toward certain environmental destruction. The skies are choked with pollutants. Adorable helpless polar bears plunge through thinning ice caps. Ben Affleck still can’t find a decent comeback project.The signs are ominous, but it’s not too late to do something. As a member of the entertainment community, you are uniquely qu Read more: Ten Things You Can Do To Save The Planet [...]
You forgot one:
Stop smoking chronic, which is grown indoors under noncarbon neutral, ultra high wattage electricity wasting, hydroponic grow lights which not only heat up the den, but cause light pollution, contribute to gloal warmerizing, and otherwise annoy Gaia. Switch back to good old dirt weed grown by Mexican peasants, and fertlized with night earth in the Baja hillsides. If it was good enough for Haight Ashbury in the summer of love, it should be good enough for Hollywood’s finest. I’m sure your gardener or your maid can hook you up. If not, call the MS Salvatrucha. I’m sure they’ll be glad to help.
JWM
Mr. Baleful: You are so witty and intelligent you belong in Hollywood! What an incredibly deep thinker you are! You would fit right in. Maybe the heterosexual Tom Cruise will hire you as houseboy.
RE: RUSE OF GLOBAL WARMING vs. V.
Am I mistaken or did a Lefty trying to be clever just get schooled by another lefty who didn’t get the “joke?”
That’s rich. I’m diggin’ this.
Iowahawk – you are hilarious! Perhaps Reason #11 should be “carpool on your bizjet” – instead of 600 private jets clogging an extra runway at Dulles for the anointing of THE ONE, we could have had only 400?
I think it’s funny (and ridiculous) how Leftists think of themselves as more “environmentally conscious” than Conservatives.
I reckon that’s why the National Mall looked like a landfill after the 170 million dollar inaugeration party.
Human waste emits the greenhouse gas methane, and the growing of crops and livestock for food do all sorts of damage to the environment. As such, Hollywood Actorvists could kill two birds with one stone by getting rid of the first while lessening their necessity for the second. Therefore, I suggest:
9.5 Forgo conventional foodstuffs and consume your own solid and semi-solid bodily waste
Followed immediately by #10
Kudos Iowahawk! Outstanding post!
I have not laughed so hard aloud since I read your other posts about la Senora Kennedy & tio Teddy!
I think it’s inspiring to see us knuckle-dragging neocons reaching out to the bong crowd in tinseltown. By offering real-world solutions that pertain to the impact of the day-to-day drudgery that our nations celebrities must endure, we are bridging exactly the gap between species just like our fearless leader has instructed us to. I mean think about it, what celebrity would understand using mercury-laden CFL bulbs? Good Grief, the lighting is all wrong! Instead, by providing solutions that MATTER, like alternative-fuel motorcades and NOT BREEDING, the real leaders of America like Ms. Streisand and Master Penn, can help too!
For me, I am taking a completely different tack; I am committing to generating as MUCH CARBON DIOXIDE AS POSSIBLE! The sooner we use up all those pesky fossil fuels, the sooner the geeks will come up with something else. Also, belching more CO2 into our atmosphere only helps to make plants grow better, which helps to make earth more GREEN! Don’t you remember that from those early issues of High Times? The only difference is that instead of using stolen cola gas, we’re using fossil fuels to do the same thing. That’s Right! Driving a suburbatank with a 26″ DVD player in back for the little rats really does help save the planet. DO YOUR PART AND DRIVE AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE!
Environmentalism is a faith based religion.
Think globally. Act dope-ally.
It’s the Viper ROOM, not the Viper Club. And it’s so 1993 anyway. All the cool people are vomiting at the Key Club now.
I would like to know, who truly cares about environmentalism anyway?
Sadly, our country is becoming full of illiterate, uneducatable, moronic illegal aliens and their offspring, ignorant suburban white boys, with backwards hats, skateboards Ipods, cellphones and attitudes, girls that have an IQ to match their bra size, complete with no work ethic, genuine wisdom or a clue as to how the world really works.
We have a nation that the currency is being quickly debased, once trusted institutions discredited, greedy politicians who seek to enrich their friends at the expense of the public, a nation nearly totally dependent upon foreign oil supplies for our liquid energy needs and a government, people and businesses rapidly spinning out of control due to irresponsibility, lack of courage, lack of honor and debt.
So I make it a point not to recycle. I use as much T paper as I can, about half a roll per visit at least. Why should I bother to recycle? All that will be following me is a bunch of people who I could care less about and they about me. Forget them. Enjoy things within reason while you canm but keep a reasonable balance about things. Sadly, it appears the future will not offer a utopia with beautiful clean cities but a third world garbage dump populated by those who do not know how to use a water-closet or any other device of modern society.
Have fun!
Here’s a little video explaining what has been really going on for 111 years.
It explains alot.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LcsvaCPYgcI
[...] IOWAHAWK: Ten Things You Can Do To Save The Planet: A Go-Green Guide for the Hollywood Community. [...]
Here’s a little video that explains alot.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LcsvaCPYgcI
Compares uraban and rural temperature in the US for 111 years. Real data from the GISS anaylzed by a real scientist. If an 11 year old can understand this, why can’t others?
“You mean like heroic FlyBoy McLame, who mocked Obama by insulting him about tire gauges, and then had to walk it back when he was notified that Obama was correct to say that proper tire inflation saves gas?”
BLIFIL, well now you’re just a liar you piece of crap. You left off Obama’s statement that if we observed proper tire inflation and tuned up our cars, we could “save just as much”.
This has all been discussed during the campaign and it makes sense that you would continue to spread your lies. You are now as relevant as ear wax or navel lint and you miss the campaign don’t you. It’s all you had. Now you’re stuck with an Obama administration and that can’t be good for you. Better to focus on Bush/McCain/Palin – still.
[...] got a list of many. Here are two of my favorites: 8. Go On a Random Killing Spree. The scientific debate is over: our current environmental mess is [...]
Chortle with glee!
[...] the original here: Big Hollywood » Blog Archive » Ten Things You Can Do To Save The … blifil, earth, environment, Interesting, internet, obama, people, Sports, television, things, [...]
[...] Obvious, celebtards on January 27, 2009 at 16:05 Big Hollywood is a great new site. They have the 10 things that Hollywierd should do to save the planet, and it’s a hoot. ▶ Comment /* 0) { [...]
How about we try this for a change? You always ask for clarifications to points you try to make here. How about YOU give us YOUR sources for the arguments you make? Time and again posters come back and prove their points against you (often with URL websites to reference, paragraphs of data culled from sited sources etc). You Mr Awful are a partisan hack and a shill for the Dem Party. We know where you are coming from and are a seminar poster of the worst stripe. Do you get paid by the Dem party per post? Obviously you must not have a real job or you couldn’t post as often as you do.
I’ll settle for Hollywood immediately jumping to #10.
KEEPITREAL,
However, I will never ever agree that abortion should be made illegal… . Basically, because these are choices that affect no one but the people making them.
Try telling that to the baby.
[...] Iowahawk kindly allows Rosa Ortiz to guestblog her job search. No end to the civic-mindedness as multipli-franchised Iowahawk offers some green advice to Hollywood at another gig, Big Hollywood. [...]
[...] advice for Hollywood Iowahawk has some advice for Hollywood environmentalists. Many are good only for wealthy, preachy [...]
[...] Amazing How Well They’re Already Doing Number 9 January 27, 2009 Posted by taoist in Humor. trackback Iowahawk has a guide for how hollywood can go green. [...]
[...] TravisSubject: Hollywood Enlists To Save Our PlanetDate: Tuesday, January 27, 2009, A Go-Green Guide for the Hollywood Community [...]
Why are conservatives afraid to ‘conserve.’
Iowahawk IS Americana. Hope he/she/it remains a mystery as long as possible.
All ten suggestions are great. But the death-related ones might be packaged together with Nanny Pelosi’s “1-child” policy. And Iowahawk…why not also include partial birth abortions?
The absence of one more breathing human being means that much less carbon-emitting ‘vehicle’.
[...] the Top 10 Restaurants in Asia! Tour Experience: Lou Mars Buko Pie * Ilog Maria Honey Bee Farm Ten Things You Can Do To Save The Planet – bighollywood.breitbart.com 01/27/2009 by Iowahawk A Go-Green Guide for the Hollywood Community [...]
K.Bell,
I’ve wondered about Bilfil myself.
He pops up in EVERY comment section I read on this site, does nothing but insult the author and everyone else, and comes across as an angry lefty caricature.
I think Breitbart is pulling our leg with this Bilfil persona.
Nobody’s life could be so meaningless that they sit around all day making snide negative comments on a blog that opposes their world view…right?
Why would you waste the time?
“Oh and since you are a studied lawyer you should know that homosexuals are not banned from marriage; in fact homosexuals have been marrying since the dawn of marriage, even pro-creating, divorcing, and re-marrying. As a lawyer do you realize you are making up rights which don’t exist.”
In the layman’s, non-religious terminology of marriage – two people co-habiting and co-existing on a social and emotional level – this is true.
The debate raging today is over whether or not to give these pairs the legal benefits of a PRIVELEDGE (not a RIGHT) that currently is limited to couples of opposing sexes.
“You mean like heroic FlyBoy McLame, who mocked Obama by insulting him about tire gauges, and then had to walk it back when he was notified that Obama was correct to say that proper tire inflation saves gas?”
Uh, no, smart guy. Obama — cretin that he is — claimed that properly- inflated tires would reduce oil consumption more than the sum total of oil we could extract from our own land and coastline.
Of course, his silly little assertion rests on the fanciful notion that every single American car is riding around on completely flat tires. Which is, of course, idiotic and embarrassing — a lot more idiotic and embarrassing than, say, misspelling “potato” because it was misspelled on a card that was handed to you.
But then again, Obama is the same moron that asserted that a tornado had killed 10,000(!) people in a town of 2,000. And of course he famously campaigned in all 57 states.
But, hey, the press didn’t get its well-deserved reputation as a liberal cheerleading corps by dwelling too much on how incredibly dumb its magical standards bearers are, especially those whose only qualifications are their mythical intellectual gifts.
He was a fool when he said it, and you’re an even bigger fool for trying to use it as snark ammo.
And no, I’m not going to accept your self-serving assertion that, axiomatically, Obama’s statement that you refuse to produce was “accurate” and that the burden of disproving it is OUR homework. I see you pull that nonsense on this site all the time — what Blifil says is law until we prove otherwise. Not today, junior.
OK, maybe just this once, if it’ll shut you up and learn you some humility:
http://www.powerlineblog.com/archives/2008/08/021179.php
You’ll of course come back with your own counter-facts, right? Or you can be a man and just admit your error.
I must have done something right. Can not get my video to play on You Tube. Its been on there for 6 months and all of a sudden it is not available.
Here is a copy.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F_G_-SdAN04&feature=channel_page
Same information.
Send it to your friends.
[...] towards Hollywood for some solace, or perhaps a healthy dose of Thorazine, either is good. H/T Iowahawk for the good times to be [...]
[...] Iowahawk for the good times to be [...]
[...] towards Hollywood for some solace, or perhaps a healthy dose of Thorazine, either is good. H/T Iowahawk for the good times to be [...]
This list made me laugh so hard I horked up half my deep-fried spotted owl onto my baby Harp seal burger, and I had to hop in my Hummer, drive to the airport, and fly back to the wilderness to shoot another serving.
Best $4700 worth of gas I ever spent.
Keep it coming, Iowahawk!
Iowahawk, your stuff is awesome.
Turn off comments if you can.
[...] Remembering President Hinckley» You Can Write Your Blessings: Some questions for you» Ten Things You Can Do To Save The Planet» The Big Abstinence Fight» The sacrament is for [...]
Well, we have frozen global warming falling in Texas so Al Gore has some ’splainin’ to do.
[...] A smart blogger put an intriguing blog post on Big Hollywood Blog Archive Ten Things You Can Do To Save The …Here’s a quick excerptStop smoking chronic, which is grown indoors under noncarbon neutral, ultra high wattage electricity wasting, hydroponic grow lights which not only heat up the den, but cause light pollution, contribute to gloal warmerizing, … [...]
I raise my hand from the back of the room and timidly ask one simple question: Um. About #9. By the look of this past decade or so’s box office trends, isn’t that what they’ve already been doing? Most of the rest is good advice, naturally, but isn’t this just nagging?
Okay, so that’s two questions. One of my worst subjects in school was math and science… two of my worst subjects were math, science, and grammar…
D.B. you’re killin’ me. That was the funniest I’ve read…since the last thing of yours I read. Of all the writers on this website, you are one of them. I am sending this around, you are brilliant, dude.
PISS OFF YOU STUPID YANKS. YOUR A BIG POO STAIN ON THE REST OF THE WORLD,AND THANKS FOR THE RESSESION D___ HEADS.
[...] Sarcasm and snark at their best: 10 Things You Can Do to Save the Planet. [...]
Excellent
You must be logged in to post a comment.