I Pledge
by IowahawkRush transcript of the celebrity Pledge of Obama Allegiance video (for educational purposes only)
[Fade in; cue pseudo-soulful electric piano dirge]
Courtney Cox and her husband, what’s-his-name: I pledge.
Demi Moore: I pledge.
Cameron Diaz: Me pledge too!!
Courtney Cox: To end hunger in America.
Mr. Courtney Cox: By ordering smaller endive portions from craft services.
Some guy with baseball cap that I guess I’m supposed to know: I pledge.
Stringy-haired Manson girl with creepy gray eyes: I pledge.
Demi Moore: Too-ooo-oo smile more.
Eva Longoria: To laugh more!
Can’t quite place her, but think I maybe saw her on a cosmetics commercial once: [intense glare] to LOVE more.
Black Eyed Peas guy: I pledge.
Evita Lopez or Chiquita Gonzalez or something like that: To help children battle with serious illnesses — by standing here on the far right side of the frame.
Beats the hell outta me: Or here, on the left side of the frame.
Cameron Diaz: Me plemdge.
Nicole Richie: To give up food all together.
Possibly that red-haired chick from Spiderman: To be a great mother.
Some d-bag from that emo band, “Fallout Charlotte” or something, that my daughter was into when she was 11: To be a great father.
Demi Moore: To hire only the best nannies… because all of our children deserve a good nanny.
Lucy Liu: To continue working to support raising awareness as a voice for UNICEF and their international nanny awareness programs.
That witch show chick that used to be on the Tony Danza sitcom: To volunteer my voice coach to give a voice to those who have no voice, so they can have a voice.
Vaguely familiar black chick: I pledge.
Hey wait a minute… is this the one who was the Spiderman chick? Now I’m confused: I pledge.
Michael Strahan: To consider myself an American — not a gap-toothed-American.
Ashton Kutcher: To ALWAYS represent my country with total pride and dignity and shit, broheim!!
Come on, I’m really supposed to know this guy? Really?: to go to RaisingServiceAwarenessForTheVoicelessChildren.com.
Okay, I’m going to take a wild stab and say it’s that chubby Korean guy from Mad TV: To find a service project that I’m just as passionate about as the mousse product for my faux-hawk.
Totally-wasted-on-heroin guy from the Red Hot Chili Peppers: I… uhhh…. ihhh… ahhhh… monkey funky like da junky…
Jason Bateman: I plehhhhdge… to fondle this microphone in a whimsically provocative manner.
Mr. Haney from Green Acres: To never give anyone the finger when I’m driving again. I will instead moon them, with my frightening elderly haunches.
‘Greg and Darma’ chick with scary feral baby: To save water, by never bathing my child.
Underwear model: I pledge.
I think it’s that Spunky Winkerbean chick, the one who had a boob reduction: I pledge.
Brain-fried Chili Peppers guy: To caaaare? For? America’s elderly?
Pockmarked guy in Urban Outfitters T-shirt: To make sure America’s senior citizens have access to free healthcare and iPods and ringtone downloads.
Spunky Winkerbean: So that our next generation’s USB memories will not be forgotten.
Eva Longoria: Now I’m pledging here on the other side of the frame!
Absolutely no clue who this is, whatsoever: To bring awareness to mental disease, like I am doing right now.
Weirdly bloated lips chick: To advance research into stem cells, collagen, and Botox.
Huh? Maybe I’m just getting too old but this is another guy who simply isn’t ringing a bell: To spread the awareness of autism — by becoming autistic.
Natalie Portman, I think, possibly after a weekend oxycontin bender: I pledge…
Michael Strahan: … to give more love to strangers. Lots and lots of strangers.
Maniac English guy in leather coat: To MEET my NEIGHBORS. Whether they LIKE it or NOT.
Mad TV Korean guy again: Find out their names.
Cameron Diaz: Me make smile for thems.
I’m gonna say… she was in one of those ‘High School Musicals’ or something?: I’m going to ask how I can be of service to them, by ridding their home of subversive materials.
That creepy-eyed redhead from Desperate Housewives: I pledge.
Oh fer crissakes, you’re telling me this guy is famous? Seriously?: I pledge.
Whoever came up with this ad sure had a hard-on for redheads: To be a better mentor to my younger sisters.
I think this guy was in an episode of one of those crime autopsy shows: to be a mentor for Big Brothers.
Another redhead? Okay, I’m pretty sure we have a psychopath director on our hands: I pledge.
Mrs. Tom Hanks: To reduce my use of plastic, and raise the awareness of mentors of the voiceless.
That vaguely familiar Hispanic chick from earlier: By starting with the lowering of plastic awareness.
Eva Longoria: To tell my gardening staff to plant 500 trees this year while Tony and I are at our house in Majorca.
Man, that Rene Zellweger has really let herself go: To not use plastic bags at the food store.
Kinda half-Asian looking guy, maybe from one of those doctor shows my mom watches: To consume less. Except movies and TV, obviously.
Cameron Diaz: So we am on this planet. Like, forever. Totally.
Jason Bateman, apparently after a snorting few lines in the trailer: For the environment I pledge to flush only after a ‘deuce,’ and only then after mentoring and raising awareness of my ‘deuce.’
Courtney Cox: I pledge.
Mr. Courtney Cox: You pledge! We pledge! Haha! Let’s giggle whimsically!
Po Diddley or Poof Puppy or whatever: I pledge to turn off the damn lights in both my Gulfstreams. I’ma turn the lights off the off, so you turna lights off, bitch.
Okay, now I’m officially creeped out, a turkey-neck grandma redhead: I pledge.
Another emo music d-bag in a jaunty thrift shop straw chapeau: I pledge to sell my obnoxious car and buy a hybrid. I also pledge to make sure the person who buys my old obnoxious car promises to never ever drive it.
George Lopez: To drive slower, lower, and only hit the hydraulic switches when absolutely necessary.
Rough-looking Rene Zellweger again: I pledge to volunteer my time…
Absolutely no idea guy again: …to emphasize the importance raising the awareness of finding mentors to promote voices to speak out for arts education mentoring in our schools.
Bald head black dude: To promote a culture of awareness of mentoring for the education of awareness of reduction of ignorance.
Kinda hot, I’m thinking Penthouse July ‘89: I pledge.
Okay, now I think I remember – this is that blonde chick from My Name is Chuck, except she seems pissed off about something: to help children understand that even though they come from a uterus, it doesn’t mean they can’t move on to bigger things. Like working to mentor awareness of the voices.
The raspy voice Hindu terrorist lady from 24: I plidge.
Stumped again. But she’s obviously had some work done: To work to make good the 200 year old promise to end slavery.
Ashton Kutcher: to ban slaveholders from ALL of my pool parties. Forever.
Demi Moore: To free one million people from slavery over the next five years, no matter how many strongly worded letters it will take my personal assistant to write.
High School Musical chick again: to fight?
Oh come on, this is a practical joke, right? It’s an episode of Punk’d, and Kutcher picked a bunch of random hipster people out of a Santa Monica coffee house to play a part in some sort of elaborate prank to see how many people he could fool into thinking they were actually celebrities: To become aware.
Cameron Diaz: To ebgucate.
Another prank “celebrity” (haha, nice try Kutcher): to not give up.
Baseball hat guy: to defend…
Needs to seriously work on her hair part: …the issues I care about.
Red Hot Chili Peppers guy, after shotgunning a couple more bowls of crack since his last pledge: Ihhh pllplegdge to beema sermice to Obrack Bobomba [French kisses own armpits].
First redhead: I pledge.
Black Eyed Peas guy: To change the way I live. No, wait a minute. Not me, you.
The Batman guy who was a good guy but became half-melted-face villain at the end to set up another sequel: To be a better person, no matter how impossibly ambitious that goal might be.
Creepy-eyed Squeaky Fromm lookalike again: To never stop learning and growing, even if I become a 60 foot tall brain scientist. Every day.
Nicole Richie: Every day. Except the growing big part.
Sheryl Crowe’s stunt double: I pledge to commit to my own change before I ask others to change. Unless these self-changings I am pledging to commit include making other people change first. In that case I will obviously have to make these other people change also, as part of a package-type change deal.
Gesticulating baseball hat guy: To be the change.
Demi Moore: To be the change.
Marisa Tomei: To integrate into my heart what I already know in my head — Which is that, we are all inside my cardiovascular nervous system together.
Piff Pappy: Imagine what could happen next. Imagine or DIE.
Batman melted face guy: What’s your pledge?
Collagen lips: What’s your pledge?
Ashton Kutcher: Iknowyagottapledge, Iknowyagottapledge, Iknowyagottapledge, Iknowyagottapledge, Iknowyagottapledge, Iknowyagottapledge, Iknowyagottapledge, Iknowyagotta…
I bet this guy himself doesn’t knows who he is: Gotta pledge?
Another redhead who is likely filing a restraining order against the director as we speak: What’s your pledge?
Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher: I PLEDGE…
Demi Moore: …to be a servant to our president…
Ashton Kutcher: …and provide him with whatever portion of my precious bodily fluids he may need to save all mankind…
[Pan back to an infinite Brady Bunch / Hollywood Squares splitscreen]
All celebrities chant together:
TOGETHER WE CAN
TOGETHER WE CAN OBEY
DIVIDED WE ARE INSIGNIFICANT
BUT TOGETHER WE CAN BE A MOLECULE
ON OUR PRESIDENT’S CHEEKBONE
FADING AND MELTING AND SHRINKING
INTO THE ONE UNIVERSAL GLORY OF HIM
OBEY
OBEY
OBEY
[Fadeout; cue FBI piracy warning]
Email this to a friend | Print |
Share on Facebook
| Tweet this
| 
Follow Us on Twitter
Subscribe via RSS
Tips & Feedback
56 Comments
This is fantastic! I love it!
“OBEY, OBEY, OBEY”. Sounds almost like Nazi Youth. Wow, where was this when Bush was in office. Oh that’s right… it was Bush.
If this already appeared more than once I am sory first time didnt show!!You made me laugh reading this! I was ANGRY Last night watchin this on the video! but readin it on here made me laugh lol. THANK YOU I needed to laugh!
These Liberals Made me angry, That is is, I am done with talking to any lib. I live in Orange County California. I will MISS President Bush, Reagan has always been my favorite. I may disagree with PResident Bush on illegal Imigration and the Dubai port. but My gOd this man did a lot of Good for this Country! I hope he does have a nice and quiet life in Texas. God Bless his family the lovely First lady Laura Bush! I miss him already!
“Cameron Diaz: Me pledge too!!”
You know if you laugh hard enough, you can see the stars. Not just the vapid ones on YouTube.
Anyway you can give us the list of Actors actresses names so we or I can ban them from my list. I want to start to blacklist them. I do love my batman and transormers and Iron man lol I dont think I can ban these movies. but I would love to ban most of these liberals like MAtt Damon Ben affleck, hey he sucks at acting! and quite a few others. Not sure if you can or allow to do this but would appreciate it. The ones that are constantly inmy face I do know of, there are some mroe that are hiding liberals cause they knwo we Americans wont watch their movies! EXPOSE THEM Please! Like Eva Mendez i will not watch her movies EVER! what a obama supporter. I stopped watching house since that chick that playe the top chick at at the hosp, with house voed for obama. they wanna mess with me, I will not pay to see any of their movies! or buy them either!
Brilliant! I chortled.
AmericanChickHatesLiberals – January 20th, 2009 at 1:12 pm
“I may disagree with PResident Bush on illegal Imigration and the Dubai port. but My gOd this man did a lot of Good for this Country!”
Did a lot TO this country. Financial mess, murdering Americans in pointless wars for Israel, North American Union, Patriot Act, HUGE expansion of entitlements with the Senior Drug Benefit program, No Child Left Behind, etc….. Apparently you are unaware of just how much damage this guy did.
Iowa, you owe me another case of screen-cleaning supplies.. again
I am shocked at your insensitive treatment of the mentally challenged and their obviously well-meaning road straight to hell statements of love.
Dow cracks 8,000 on its way down – did Wall Street see this or something?
I feel for these loons since they couldn’t do any of these pledges during the Bush’s years for fear that they could have been killed. I’m sure Terry would agree.
Andrew Schawartz, Wall Street is bad and in the tank for W. Ofcourse they would attempt to sabotage O man. Don’t you know any better?
Laughing so hard, actually passing gas
To be fair, we actually had an “Obama Group” come by the emergency assistance agency where I volunteer to drop off an MLK food drive and some $$$.
I don’t think any of them were celebraties, though.
Iowahawk is a national treasure.
Andrew Schwartz. I would guess my sarcasm wasn’t well received.
Obsequious servility is the new black!
@Andrew Schwartz: “To ‘Serve’ the President” – Are you sure that’s not a cookbook?
Terry – January 20th, 2009 at 1:34 pm
Did a lot TO this country. Financial mess, murdering Americans in pointless wars for Israel, North American Union, Patriot Act, HUGE expansion of entitlements with the Senior Drug Benefit program, No Child Left Behind, etc….. Apparently you are unaware of just how much damage this guy did.
YOU DUMMY THATS WHY I HATE YOU LIBERALS! I LOVE ISRAEL! He did NOT Murder Our heroes! I am GLAD Saddam Got hung Wish I was front row with a million shoes to throw at him while he was being hung! I would be jumping up and down watching with a big smile! Iraqis now can breathe without worrying about this hitler that they had! no more mass graves. Schools have been built, Hospitals too. so many things have been built you wil never know because your liberal media wont report it! SO HUSH UP! you moron. I disagreed with him on Illegal immigration, he is SO WRONG ON THIS But after 9/11 he has kept us safe. this man has a heart. he is a good gentle man. I HATE YOU LIBERALS!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU HAVE JUST RUINED MY COUNTRY!!!!!!!! what the hell do you think your president is going to do? he is going to spread the trillion dollars not in America but mostly to kenya WHERE HE WAS BORN!! I bet you he came here illegally! He will give 2 billion dollars to terrorists to teach schools how to love us it was on his website then when this came out publicly they squeaky cleaned the website! YOUR PRESIDENT WILL FAIL! he hates America so does his wife! he hangs out with terrorists william ayres. Hamas praises him, they called him their brother! HE IS A MUSLIM!!!! Muslims dont call non muslims brother! Muslims call non muslims infadel you dummy! YOU DESTROYED MY COUNTRY!! So will obama! PResident Bush is a good man will be missed!
Alan – January 20th, 2009 at 2:46 pm
“Financial Mess: Like the recession that Bush inherited from Clinton and for nearly 8 years had a lower unemployment rate than Clinton ever had?”
What BS. Stagnant wages with high inflation. Cooked “unemployment figures” don’t really tell much of the story.
“As to Israel: Well, we now know who’s side you’re on, Terry.”
Yeah, America’s. Whose side are all the Israelis in our government on? What side are you on – ours or Israel’s?
“Patriot Act: Essentially combining laws that already existed into one.”
Flatly wrong.
“No Child Left Behind: Written entirely by Teddy Kennedy…’nuff said!”
And implemented and advocated by Bush along with his Amnesty scheme.
Obey! Yeah,sure.
As I understand it, the greatest act of patiotism is dissent. I am dissenting from obeying.
MAMT#6 – “I pledge to always forward Iowahawk’s genius work to everyone of my Obamazombie friends in the hopes that their collective heads will explode.”
See, it’s not that hard to make a pledge.
[...] Hilarious “transcript” by Iowahawk here. [...]
Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha. “OL”
Clearly when the One implements universal healthcare, a few posters on here need to get an infusion of a sense of humor…..
Now they need to release a new, updated version of Jesus Christ Superstar.
Obama, hey ‘bama, ‘bama ‘bama O-
‘bama, hey ‘bama, O-bama!
Hey Barry, Bar-ry, you’re all right by me,
‘bama hey, ‘bama O, superstar!
I pledge…never to go to Jason Bateman’s house.
I also pledge…to never, ever read an Iowahawk post again while I have a beverage in my hand.
This Iowahawk guy must really be some kinda damn genius.
whoo-ha! another classic, Iowahawk.
I laughed, I cried…I think I peed a little.
I must admit that after reading part of the transcript, I thought it was pure satire…then I saw the video and learned that it wasn’t! Damn!
I pledge to continue my boycott of all things liberal including movies, television, newspapers, theater, green energy, all forms of socialism and all union made products.
If we weren’t in this together, when President Bush was President, I don’t see any reason to accept the pledges of these ninnies now.
If they were Republicans or conservatives they would already smile more, be good parents, contribute time and money to charities and help friends and neighbors.
Best regards,
Gail S
LMAO I read this I pledge thing 3 times I still laugh hard, I almost spat smoothie through my nose its funny!
youre hilarious hope you do more! Can you do obamas speech he gave today? I bet that would be too funny!
Terry just wants to spread hate, thats all he is, HATE Monger!!! lol.
terry has nothing to say there for I will not have anything NICE to say about obama, cause all obama does is spread doom and gloom, and lots of negativity. he will put us in danger!
I needed a good laugh today…thanks!
[...] opinions. Gary Graham, for example, I was laughing so hard I couldn’t type a while ago. Hell, Iowahawk is there! Bunches of others, go look [...]
“In the presence of this blood banner which represents our Savior, I swear to devote all my energies and my strength to the saviour of our country, Barack Obama. I am willing and ready to give up my life for him, so help me God.”
Hilarious !!!!
Ohhhh my this was great, brought joyful tears to my eyes!
I pledge to never watch anyone of these nards movies or anything they put out! Can we all say TANK!!!
Just read again before bed….laughing so hard, coughing, hacking up phlegm, going to send to everyone I know…
Now that was a CLASSIC READ! Great stuff Iowahawk.
No wonder the right wing has no presence in Hollywood. None of ‘em can write.
“Ashton Kutcher: to ban slaveholders from ALL of my pool parties. Forever.”
OUCH! LOL!
You know if they didn’t do stuff like this after 9/11, why the HELL should we care now?
BOO!
Give me a break. Pledge THIS!
HAHAA! She’s serving Obama! What’s she serving? HAHAHA!
I pledge. To never see their movies or TV shows. (saves energy)
Actionman is throwing up in his boyfriends mouth while reading this! (not that there is anything wrong with that!)
“Those Obama videos like the pledge thing are mega-creepy. Imagine how they would react if conservatives did something like that for Bush. Oh, the howls and disdain.”
I think that I will use the next 4 years to learn how to upload video to Youtube just so I can make a video just like this. That is, if we still have the freedom to say what we want by then.
Just Another Girl apparently will need the next four years to learn how to upload videos to YouTube. And you righties wonder why your party is dead!
[...] Demi and Ashton — for assembling Hollywood’s A-team! We’ll be watching. [...]
Friggin’ hilarious.
Oh, and to Matthew Harper: AWESOME Bioshock reference!
Nice, that made that video a little less creepy and depressing to watch. Well done.
I PLEDGE to read Iowahawk more often.
I laughed so hard that I’m afraid that I may have ruptured something important.
I pledge…to Gave The Sreat Mite Whales
I pledge to find all the ladies in this video and deprogram them cause they cant be this stupid.
I can’t believe they let Strahan talk about ditching his hyphenated Americanism. If people can’t be identified as a member of an ethnic group, how can the Dems help them claim victim status???
Holy Buckets! What a bunch of crap! You know, I find it just “wonderful” that these thoughtful Hollywood Hypocrites are fired up and promise to dedicate their lives to the Obama Cause. He’s just a man – not the Savior! To proclaim him so is blasphamy.
Here’s what real folk like we here in nw Wisconsin do. We go to work, lucky to make a living wage. Typically, because we don’t make a living wage (unless we work for the government), we work 3 jobs (I work 1 full time and 2 part time jobs) to help keep food on our tables. We instill good values in our kids, send them off to the big city to the liberal schools(hopefully, the values stick), pay for the tuition out of our pockets with no government help. We donate our hard earned money from our 3 jobs to help our community and our world (this includes a recent mission trip to Tanzania to help build a new hospital and a trip to New Orleans – my son and I spent a week there – I gave up $1,000 and a week’s pay to do this – to do rehab on homes). The point is, community service is nothing new – conservatives believe in a hand up not a hand out. We don’t cry about our share – we work hard to achieve a piece of the pie. We build hockey rinks, hospitals and schools, support the humane society and food pantries as well as give our time there, volunteer to help our neighbors when they need it – out of our pockets and from our hearts – so Hollywood Hooey creep fest – your “commitment”, “that don’t impress me much”…try again….
This is not directed to Obama or his family. I didn’t vote for him, but still, he is our president and I will give him a fair chance – he has 4 years….God Bless America!
[...] Inauguration Prayer – … includes the transcript and the video. It was a beautiful prayer.I Pledge – … this is wrong on so many levels and yet … I read the whole thing.This is how to do [...]
[...] Check out these links to go along with the video! I Pledge to Ridicule Celebrities Who Refuse to Recognize We Are At War With People Who Want to Kill Them, Too and then for a laugh I Pledge [...]
[...] readers ill, the video is safely embedded below the fold (semi-accurate, slightly tongue-in-cheek transcript available here, h/t Don [...]
[...] readers ill, the video is safely embedded below the fold (semi-accurate, slightly tongue-in-cheek transcript available here, h/t Don [...]
That damn Film Actors Guild is at it again!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZbuVa6GEJUg
[...] quickly we forget those headless days of January 2009 and the great time we all had laughing at the spectacle of shallow Hollywood A/B/C-list celebrities confusing [...]
You must be logged in to post a comment.