Mark Your Time, Hu-Mans!
by Iowahawk
Special Guest Commentary
by Waxulon-6, Lord High Admiral of the Kremulakian Earth Invaders
The Being Formerly Known as Congressman Henry Waxman (D-CA)
Attention Hu-Mans:
Mark your time! Behold the current heat readings of your atmosphere, which have now reached less than negative 40 in your Earth-degrees. Phase I of the Kremulakian conquest of your filthy pitiful orb is complete!
Foolish Hu-Mans, did you not suspect? It is now far too late for resistance. The planetary reign of the invincible Ice Beings of Kremulak can not be stopped, and thus I can now reveal all. And taunt your Earth-foolishness with delicious impunity! Ha ha ha!
When our scientist first discovered your planet 6.3 Kremulakian moon-orbits ago, I argued before the High Admiralty that it would be a suitable world for conquest and colonization. The Inner Council accused me of madness! They said we Kremulaks could never survive in your stupid planet’s hostile hot temperatures. They said our nostrils would mutate and explode under your intense atmospheric pressures. They said that Hu-mans would never vote us into their control councils.
Fools! I wagered Supreme Overlord Gromfnorg-0 himself that not only would I survive, but that I would win quick election to your Earth Commerce and Energy committee — without even using my visual cloaking device! Little did he know that I, Lord Waxulon-6, had been carefully monitoring your Earth-frequencies and Earth-internet and Earth-basic cable news, and had discovered the outpost which you Hu-Mans call “San Francisco.” Needless to say, my little bet has paid off handsomely — winning me over 6000 Kremulakian trading crystals.
Victory over you puny race was even easier than I anticipated. In fact, the only resistance I encountered was on the invasion-saucer voyage, when Pelosicon-8 and Obamulak-3 kept trying to recalibrate the music-frequencies. And the impudent weak-glanded Algor-11, who needed to make biowaste stops at every refueling station between here and the Antares subcluster.
When our saucers landed in the land you call “Berkeley,” our first encounter with Hu-Mans were the ones you call “hippie panhandlers.” Their waste products contained small quantities of the fresh ammonia we need to survive, but not enough to sustain a major Kremulakian colonization. But soon I discovered a native resource that would sustain us for hundreds of moon-orbits: your delicious Earth-dollars!
Soon the panhandling Hu-Mans introduced us to a more advanced species: the ones you call the “douchebags.” How easily they were frightened by Algor-11’s PowerPoints. How easily they were mesmerized by Obamulak’s soothing soundwaves. In less than a single moon-orbit, we had mobilized them as mindslaves to demand reduced Earth-heat for the next wave of Kremulakian invaders! And all for a few tickets to Obamulak’s inauguration festival!
Ha ha ha! Your Earth-douchebags are so stupid… stupid… STUPID!!
Phase I of our plan is complete. In Phase II you will turn over your delicious Earth-dollars to the Kremulakian Carbon Revenue Service. In Phase III, our tractor beams will relocate your planet to a more pleasing solar distance. In Phase IV, colonization and spawning.
This is your warning! Do not attempt to resist, for your insolence will be revisited a thousandfold with heavy late filing penalties and interest. Hu-Mans who cooperate will be allowed to toil in the ice mines and assist with our Kremulakian breeding and birthing ceremonies. Await further instructions on your assignment. You are now commanded to wear your heavy garments and ski masks to increase your probability of survival. And because we Kremulaks find your Hu-Man forms hideous!
Cry your tears now, Hu-Mans! Although I take great pleasure in your lamentations, I grow weary and must return to my cryo-pod before I evaporate further. And boy, I have to make gasoline like a race horse.
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73 Comments
Good thing I've been drinking that's one dude who couldn't get lucky with a corpse! LOL!
Is he even human, well all human?
When will Wax-man be OUT of office?
The man is a dumocrap I swear he is!!
a few years back larry flint was offering a million dollars to anyone who could prove a sexual relationship with a congressamn or senator.
and henry waxman still couldn’t get laid.
Fear the Nosehairs of Death Attack!
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AMANDA, Pelosi would abort before ever giving birth, if given the “choice”.
I lived in Topanga Canyon, this was the handsome congressman’s district. I live there from 1966 to 2006. There where lots of sighting of UFO in the canyon. I know you blogers have a lot of fun on this topic but I feel a lot safer not living in the 30th District anymore.
Do Kremulakians have plastic surgeons?
I feel bad for pointing out someone’s looks, but I saw this pic on Drudge the other day and thought for sure it was photoshopped.
I’m all for regular-looking people being elected to office. But this guy is just plain creepy.
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I never did believe there was alien life out there. Now I am convince we have been invaded by the body snatchers
Alien? We sure that’s not the “Pig Man” Kramer saw in the hospital on Seinfeld?
Are there any funds in the Conservation Reserve Program to stop the invincible Ice Beings of Kremulan from using their tractor beams?
Kremulak, sorry.
I, for one, welcome our new Kremulakian overlords.
Is this right-wing humor?
You think the photo is creepy -you should see him in real life! He actually makes Jack Elum look like a Calvin Klein model. And although he bends over backwards to push the Gay agenda he’s straight which is just as well because he’d clear a Gay bar in nanoseconds. Hey, but what if he was Gay and he and Barney Frank were an item! Wow! Think about THAT! Actually, I think poor old Hank’s looks have influenced his attitudes. Posing as a civil libertarian his agenda indicates a control freak nature who wants to micro manage every aspect of life. Scarey to realise he now has a helluva lot of power.
It’s hard to believe that the people of Malibu and Pacific Palisades don’t feel they deserve something more intellectually inspiring (and certainly photogenic considering the neighborhoods) than Nostrilitis.
This guy makes Bella Abzug look like an attractive woman.
I saw this pic on Drudge and couldn’t help but ask what this man’s dog must look like?
OK, the picture did it. I’m now pro-choice.
These comments pass for—what? Commentary? Humor? Stupidity?
Yeah. That last one.
Twilight Zone. “Eye of the Beholder.” ‘Nuff said.
ED: For the last 8 years we’ve read, listened and seen you swiping at GWB and Republicans, conservatives and anybody who didn’t march to the beat of your wimpy drum. Well, buddy, now it’s our turn so fasten your seat belt because it’s going to be a bumpy four years.
Wow, it’s like SomethingAwful from back when SomethingAwful was funny.
Waxman is Beldar’s brother and he is from France.
Waxman posing as a Kremulakian? The Grand Nagus will be very upset.
Separated at birth.
Wilde Oscar, the “bumpy ride” has BEEN the last 8 years.
Enjoy the inauguration. It will be nice to have an intelligent man in the White House once again.
Ask me if I have a pretty girlfriend.
Go ahead, say it in your head… I am waiting…
Do I have a pretty girlfriend, you ask? Well, no, but she has a butthole.
There is a moral to that, if you think about it. Everything is beautiful in its own way. So is Waxman. To somebody.
But, damn, this kind of reminds me of why I watch Springer from time to time. Sheer gratitude.
To whom it may concern:
Thanks for deleting that. I regretted it.
I just figured out who Henry Waxman is…he is the “Pigman” from the old Seinfeld episode.
Waldo, after what the liberal mad dogs did to President Bush for eight years there are no rules, where we conservatives are polite while the mad dogs take a dump all over us. The ugliness of Waxman shows his inner hated for what he is doing to this country. The damage a man like him as done in congress will last long after we are dead. You think John Adams would put up with this crap that we have to deal with year after year. Conservatives are like a battered wife and have been since the 40s. If we don’t get mad dog mean and take back our heritage we will lose everything we know to a bunch of self loathing atheistic socialist. Then we would have betrayed all those honor dead all over France and Germany in our National Cemeteries. We at least owe them some kind of show of courage against these people that would take away all our rights if they could
My family thinks Waxman is really an orc. Can’t you just hear him saying, “Find the halflings!”
Descended from pigs?
He's clearly some kind of swine/rodent hybrid.
It takes some pretty sick aliens to genetically engineer such an abomination.
You Fuels:
Take a swim in my phlegmming pool!
Luxuriate in my quivering nazal quaf as your minds Pelo-C-fize to puss! All this power and procedural pederasty makes me damn thirsty!! Leeches for lunch cuz Somethin’z gotta suck in Kremlandia.
—Barney Frankenface
Whew!
Ya know, that’s the only explanation for the ongoing string of down right curious doings. Henry Nostralitus Waxman is really an alien and the reason for the push for amnesty, true..
Here’s another view—–
When I tell liberals that I can’t figure them out, they tend to assume I own up to my own intellectual shortcomings. They figure their thinking is so profound that it’s simply beyond the scope of little old me. Well, let them enjoy their fantasies. The truth is, I can’t fathom their belief system because it seems so divorced from reality that if we discovered tomorrow that, like the pods in the movie, “Invasion of the Body Snatchers,” liberals only look like human beings, but are actually from outer space, I’d be the one saying, “Aha, now it all makes perfect sense.”
–Burt Prelutsky–
“It will be nice to have an intelligent man in the White House once again.”
Really? Who will that be? Barack “57 States” Obama? Barack “Last in his class at Harvard” Obama? Or Joe “We kicked Hizbullah out of Lebanon” Biden? Joe “Last in his class at SYRACUSE (And that takes some work!)” Biden?
There’s a reason the vast majority of convicted felons and high school dropouts vote Democrat – they feel right at home swimming in that pool of stupid.
Ed, the inaguration will be a sight, watching stupid people like you, freezing their arses off during this bad episode of climate change we are experiencing acting like the Idiots, your kind are while among each other. Im sure while your listening to the butchered National Anthem, and Gob Bless America you will have all that libtard, gay pride feeling in your heart. Just remember it’s the conservative view this country was built on.
Don’t take all the comments seriously..not all hate conservatives or ‘liberals’ who lean to the right !
The line of followers exptended for miles from the end of the pier across the valley over the mountains. All with that blank stare that only a child could have after he found out that his father new truck was causeing the death of all the polarbear cubs at the northpole. And there with bullwhip in hand is Henry, Barney and Nancy assuring the new lemming that algor has the answer and just keep walking…
I wonder if he was the inspiration for that episode of Seinfeld where Kramer claims he encountered “the pigman” at the hospital…I’m sure he and Larry David are good friends.
Are you sure? I thought it was a cross between a gopher and a warthog. I’m almost certain I saw it in “Scientific American” once.
Please, don’t insult me.
Thank you,
L. C.
waldo, since you are a vietnam vet, could you send me an e-mail to jackmarino@warriorfilmmakers.com i just tried to post on this site for the hundred time and my stuff never gets through. Only a few little things. I want to send you this post I just spent time doing because it concerns your service in Vietnam. I can’t post on here at all, this is like libertas all over again
I always thought politicians were people too ugly for Hollywood but who still wanted to get laid. But ole Hank couldn’t get a restaining order reduced to 100 yards if his life depended on it. What makes this man happy on a daily basis? I guessing reaking misery on other humans.Just a guess.
Ted K, are you as fact-challenged as your post indicates? Barack Obama graduated magna cum laude. At Harvard, magna cum laude distinction is currently awarded to the top 20% of a graduating class.
“57 states”: he misspoke, probably from exhaustion. Or can’t you fathom that?
And Eagle Eye? You’re just a common stupid miscreant and homophobe.
“Enjoy the inauguration. It will be nice to have an intelligent man in the White House once again.”
Yes, it would, but alas, we must wait another 4 years.
Dude, you may be a left-wing guy, but C’MON! You gotta admit that Waxman looks positively alien.
If it makes you feel better, Ann Coulter’s got a alien vibe to her as well.
In short: “Lighten up, Francis.”
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