Take That, Mr. Moneybags!
by Big X
Big X here, broadcasting live from Celluloid City in the swishy-swishy Peacock Lounge, high atop the mighty Breitbart Tower on Sunset and Cherokee!
Holy cats, what’s next?!
After last week’s spectacular victory over Hard Times with the passage of his trillion-dollar Stimulus Bill, the sour-puss Republican Tycoonocracy was crying in their caviar, throwing a tizzy over the so-called “deficit” and demanding to know who will pay the piper for all those bee-yutiful C-notes!
While any lesser mortal would have rested on his laurels, his name forever embedded like a shining supernova in the historical firmament as the greatest American Commander-In-Chief ever, President Obama gave those sobbing-Sallies an answer:
“You, Mr. Moneybags!”
Yes, it’s certified, Mr. President! For that magnificent one-two punch, I hereby dub thee Barack “Bam-Bam” Obama!
Our waiter, Rodrigo, has been kind enough to bring a Xerograph of the latest Spending Bill, and boy, is it a doozy! Yes, it seems complicated, folks, but don’t panic! Your pal, Big X is here to cut through the bull and boil it down to stew! And what a savory dish it is!
First off, the good news is that tax rates will actually be dropping for the vast majority of working Americans, even those who don’t make enough scrap to even pay taxes. Yes, you heard me right, Johnnie Q.! Ain’t that a lulu?!
Pass the butter and slop the hogs, ma! I smell money! And it may be spelled R. E. F. U. N. D., but it spends just the same!
Hot-dawg!
But wait a second! How can Uncle Sam hand out a cool trillion with more on the way, and cut taxes? As my good friend Albert Einstein once said while perusing his bar-tab at the Stork Club, “Ach mein Gott! It just don’t add up!”
Oh, but it does…!
Because tax rates will be going up as well, my friends! Way up! But not for you or me, or anyone we know! Unless, that is, your name is Rockefeller and you rub elbows with all the swells and socialites who pull down more than a whopping $250,000 smackers a year!
That’s right, folks! You heard it here, first! The stinking-rich leisure class will finally be forced to cough up their fair share of the U.S. Tax Bill!
What’s that, Rodrigo? Really, that much?! Well, I’ll be a monkey’s uncle…
Ladies and gents, our trusty cocktail-juggler, Rodrigo, has just informed me that between the salary and tips he earns here at the Peacock, and the profit his wife clears from her dress shop downtown, they make a combined income of over $250,000!
Why, that bears some looking into, Rodrigo! I’m quite certain a situation like yours is scarce as a pen in a Post Office! After all, Obama himself has personally assured us repeatedly that these tax hikes will only impact the wealthiest 2% of Americans!
Luckily, my curvaceous assistant Miss Montenegro is standing by with the latest data from the Internal Revenue Service to tell us exactly what miniscule percentage of Americans make more than a quarter-million clams a year!
What, my dear? The data’s not broken down at the $250,000 point?
Come, now, Miss Montenegro! Don’t be silly! The President of the United States isn’t going to just pull numbers out of a hat! Check again!
What’s that you say? It’s broken at the $200,000 point?! Very well; how many of those are there…?
Seven percent?!
That’s absurd! How could one out of every fourteen American households make so much more dough than I do…?
I’m sorry, ladies and gentlemen. It seems we’ve gotten bogged down in petty technical details. Yes, Miss Montenegro, that will be quite enough. Order us another round of Manhattans, will you?
As our President and every red-blooded American with an ounce of common sense knows, the rich have been bilking the tax-man for decades by retaining shady Hebrew accountants who cook the books to take advantage of arcane loopholes and dubious deductions unavailable to the rest of us Short-Form-filing guys and gals.
Miss Montenegro has just passed me a note that precisely illustrates my point! Get this, folks: The people we were just talking about who clear over $200,000 a year-a full 7% of American households, mind you-pay a measly 6.2% of the total tax bill-
What’s that, Miss Montenegro? That’s a poppy-seed, not a decimal point? By gum, you’re right!
Correction, folks! That’s 62% percent?!
Yes, Rodrigo! That is a shocker. Now freshen up my drink and tell Ernesto not to skimp on the Maraschinos this time! Chop chop!
(Between me and you and Auntie Sue, folks, I think all that filthy lucre is giving our little brown friend a swelled head!)
The fact is, it doesn’t matter how much of the bill the hoi polloi covers, they still take unfair advantage of loopholes in the tax code big enough to drive their solid gold, desert-tortoise-squashing, carbon-belching Cadillacs through!
And it’s exactly these very loopholes that will be abolished by our great leader, Bam-Bam Obama, under his new Spending Bill-
For Pete’s sake, what now, Miss Montenegro?!
You say he’s placing a cap on the deduction for charitable contributions? Of course he is! Why shouldn’t the stuffed-shirts pay taxes on money they give to poor people…?!
You think they’ll give less?
Oh, pish-posh, Miss Montenegro! Such cynicism hardly becomes a lovely creature such as yourself! But even in the extraordinarily unlikely event that what you suggest is true, Team Obama has already set aside additional money in the budget to go to charities and cover any shortfalls!
And rest assured, folks, they won’t be the frivolous non-profits you choose to support, but those carefully vetted and certified by our illustrious Administration!
I’m afraid that’s all the time we have, folks. Reporting live from Filmland, I bid you a fond adieu, and remember, all that glitters is not Papst Blue Ribbon!
Until next time, this is Big X, out!
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35 Comments
That's socialism for you, take from the people who work for a living to give to the people that don't. And when that 200,000 a year bit doesn't cover Comrade President Obama's drunken-mokey-sailor spending that bar will be lowered, and will continue to be lowered until, to adapt the old song "Sixteen Tons", We owe our souls to the Government store.
It's all about CONTROL. We wouldn't want the people to be grateful to the generosity of other citizens. They should only owe their gratitude to Big Government from whom all giving flows … just as soon as it grabs all money from those poor rich folks.
Yep. Time to party like it's 1933. All
FDRBHO needs is a cigarette holder."Hebrew accountants"? Rexter in ten… nine… eight…
Read an interesting article about California's problems today. Apparently, all those years that they made the tax code more and more progressive means that California became more and more dependent on rich people to provide for California's budget — imagine that. Enter the recession. Bonuses drop, investment income drops…. rich people losing money. Suddenly California tax revenues dry up like a Los Angeles lawn.
Now LIBERALS are bemoaning the fact that the rich have let them down.
Irony, it's what's for dinner.
We're all gonna hafta' learn the Heimlich for all the irony we will be chokin' on.
I have family out in CA, and I don't understand how they do it. My mom wonders how my cousins have managed to never have moved out of the house, but the way the country is going, I think she'll be getting lessons on why that is real soon.
As the joke went from East Germany (slightly paraphrased). "We have good news and bad news. The bad news is that we have only irony to eat. The good news is that we have plenty of it."
I think we should bone up on old communist era jokes, they seem to becoming increasingly topical.
CA born and raised here! And owned my own business, also in CA for years. I had the wonderful opportunity recently to ask a few of my fellow Californians – so what are ya gonna do when the wealthy people leave, and who are you going to work for when the small business owners decide to close shop? – You should have seen the look on their faces. I couldn't help but smirk, all those Walmarts and so few shoppers!
I am Barack and what's yours is mine and what's mine is mine.
More Rusty Iron Curtain humor:
Commissar from Ukraine: FAMINE SITUATION CRITICAL. SEND ALL AVAILABLE FOOD SUPPLIES ASAP.
Commissar from Party Central: SHORTAGES WIDESPREAD. ALL COMRADES ARE EXPECTED TO TIGHTEN BELTS AT THIS CRITICAL JUNCTURE OF THE 5-YEAR PLAN.
Commissar from Ukraine: SEND BELTS.
Soon….
“We interrupt this broadcast in order to bring you the words of our Leader, Barak Obama.”
“My Fellow Americans It has come to the attention of my Economic Investment Task Force, that the person responsible for the DOW dropping below 500 after my earlier speech about my appointment of the recently found Jimmy Hoffa as my 37th Secretary of Labor has been identified. … He is known as John Galt and he is America’s greatest enemy. I will not rest until he is brought before me so that he can answer for his many sins against America’s Hopes and the Changes that we are bringing about so that our children will know safety and security for their entire life. Thank You and Goodnight”
“The Leader’s appearance was brought to you by Soylent Green, remember it wasn’t god or The Leader that made everybody equal, it was Soylent Green that did….equally tasty! Ask for Soylent Green at your neighborhood people kibble dispenser today!”
Heh. I got a fortune cookie that said that once. It seemed very threatening. Now I know who stuck it in that damn cookie.
As the joke went from East Germany (slightly paraphrased). "We have good news and bad news. The bad news is that we have only irony to eat. The good news is that we have plenty of it."
I think we should bone up on old communist era jokes, they seem to be increasingly relevant.
What’s that, Miss Montenegro? That’s a poppy-seed, not a decimal point? By gum, you’re right!
Correction, folks! That’s 62% percent?!
Excellent! One of the best things about Rush's site… stats on who pays taxes. 86% of taxes paid
by top 25% of wage earners. Top 1% pay 39%.
Who doesn't/can't/won't understand that?
Here's another Stergeye.
A man saves up for years to put down money for a car (a Trabant). The car salesman takes the money and tells him: "You can pick the car up in ten years."
"Morning or afternoon?" the man asks.
"What does it matter?" the salesman asks surprised.
"The plumber is coming in the afternoon."
Now stick in Chrysler and you've got the future of the Detroit bailout…
Many of your neighbors move to Arizona. And then, unbelievably, try to change our mainly conservative laws so that we'll look like the same state they fled! It's rather annoying.
http://the100mostannoyingthings.blogspot.com/
Well played BigX! As always you have illustrated with humor the absurdity of the Magnificent “O,” and the rape of America.
This is happening in Wyoming too. I'm so sick of people who make a mess of where they live and can't stand it anymore and then move to places that haven't been corrupted yet so they can start the mess all over again and then wonder what went wrong. The concept of learning from past mistakes is a concept that Lefties will never understand. They just think it'll work THIS time.
We have to laugh or we will start to cry.
God Bless America.
"We are fundamentally transforming the United States of America." —Barack Obama
"There's nothing so useless as doing efficiently that which should not be done at all." –Austrian-American writer Peter Drucker (1909-2005)
We're screwed.
What made me sick the other day was an NBC "journalist" who glowingly reported that "the Obama people think they're at a pivot point in history. They really believe that they now face the chance to remake America, and they know they have to move fast."
Amazingly (actually, really not) the "journalistic" friend didn't think this was that big of a story. He treated it in the same manner as if he'd reported "Barack like Twinkies."
In Communist America, Irony eats You!
I got a fortune cookie once that said, "You love chinese food." Really.
Big X, would love to hear you do this column in audio form, tricked-out in 30's radio style.
1. Great, now Barack will use the "twinkie defense" when he has to stop blaming Bush.
2. I never thought that there was anything wrong with American except for the politicians.
Joke break –
Question: What do you call 10,000 politicians at the bottom of the sea?
Answer: A good start!
Question: What's black and brown and looks good on a politician?
Answer: A doberman.
Me too. I was actually physically disgusted when he said that, and he did it in such a blasé manner that literally wanted to scream, "do you not understand what you just said!!"
I fear that the next administration is going to have spend their first 100 days undoing every single piece of legislation dear Leader passes.
As long as their portion of America isn't the one being re-made, they are all fine with it. As for that whole technology and relevance thing, I guess too bad.
Kevlaur, you're missing the point. Obama doesn't care how much tax these folks are already paying; he sincerely believes they still have too much left over after they've written the check.
Hence the "utopian socialist" tag we've all been trying to stick on him.
What made me sick the other day was NBC "journalist" John Harwood who glowingly reported that "the Obama people think they're at a pivot point in history. They really believe that they now face the chance to remake America, and they know they have to move fast."
Amazingly (actually, really not) Harwood didn't think this was that big of a story. He treated it in the same manner as if he'd reported "Barack likes Twinkies."
They really believe that they now face the chance to remake America, and they know they have to move fast."
This is what scares me the most. I don't think Obama gives a damn about American prosperity. He's only invested in remaking the country in his socialist ideal and whatever 'growing-pains' we have to go through is just an investment toward the final goal. What we're going to have to suffer through over the next few years won't impact him at all. He'll convince himself that it's all toward the greater good. The kool-aid drinkers have wrecked our country.
I think Barack and Rahm are trying very hard to make Rush Limbaugh the new John Galt.
Mmmm soylent green with a Kool-Aid chaser!
Does that 62% include taxes paid by businesses or does it merely account for "income" taxes?
Ah, Big X! Your posts are like a cold bottle of Moxie in an Oklahoma dust storm.
Improve your vision naturally!…
Thanks. Left you a trackback to help your readers improve eye vision naturally….
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