Ice-breaker Questions Courtesy of the Feds
by Bob HamerBack in the late seventies I spent four years on active duty in the Marine Corps. As my military obligation was nearing completion I began a job search in the private and public sector. I narrowed my public sector job hunt to the FBI and the CIA. The CIA responded first and the application journey was like a Robert Ludlum thriller. My first interview was in a large room with only two chairs. Seated across from me was a man with a scar from ear to ear. I envisioned him being garroted in some third world country–he had my attention. Apparently I impressed him enough to recommend me in the next step of their process. Multiple flights from California to D.C. using assumed names, paying for everything in cash, meeting in safe houses, and submitting to a variety of tests only added to the mystique.
Alas however, it was not meant to be. A major stumbling block was a personality test the Agency gave all Jack Bauer wannabes. Scoring applicants on a 0-10 scale…a zero meaning you could live on a deserted island for years, a ten meaning you had to be constantly surrounded by people…I scored a ZERO. Yep, a zero. The psychologist said in all the years of administering the test he had never seen “a zero personality.” Now, I admit I somewhat skewed my answers. I figured they were looking for paid assassins they could drop behind enemy lines and remain secreted for weeks. Wrong! The agency was looking for “threes” and “fours.” On occasion my wife still reminds me I have been rated a zero personality by the federal government. I actually think I’m up to a .5, maybe even a one, but needless to say I’m not really comfortable in public settings making small talk… unless I’m undercover (but then I’m a completely different persona and my criminal alter ego takes over).
It’s not easy going through life with a zero personality, but I’ve recently learned of some ice-breaker questions certain to make me a hit at the next party:
What is your name, address, and date of birth?
What is your race?
Are you Hispanic, Latino, or Spanish origin?
Where were you born?
What is your ancestry or ethnic origin?
How many cars do you have at your house?
Do you have a flush toilet?
Do you have a sink with a faucet?
How much is your rent/mortgage?
Do you have a second mortgage? How much is it?
Are you covered by a health insurance plan? Which type?
Do you have serious difficulty hearing? Seeing? Concentrating, remembering, or making decisions?
Do you have difficulty dressing or bathing?
How many times have you been married?
When did you last get married?
Where did you work last? What’s the address?
What time do you leave home to go to work?
What is your income?
What is your retirement/pension?
Do you have a VA disability rating?
What’s the most important thing you do at work?
Do you think these questions are too personal or even stupid? Apparently the federal government doesn’t… and if you don’t answer them you can be fined $100-$5,000. All of these questions and more are on the American Community Survey. To my knowledge I’ve never been part of a census survey. I thought they just knocked on your door and asked how many people live at your house. Maybe the surveys have always been this detailed but as we slide further and further into the federal government running every aspect of our lives, this intrusion concerns me. I can see no reason why the feds need to know how many times I’ve been married, my health care provider, or whether I can or can’t concentrate. I will admit to some hearing loss that allows me to tune out my wife and my wife often questions the way I dress but is that the fed’s business? According to the FAQ on the website, the government needs to know all these answers for their government programs. Maybe the reason I’m balking at answering is because we seem to have too many programs as it is…. but they don’t ask my opinion on that issue in the survey.
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102 Comments
The Census and American Community Survey – sounds like the ultimate in target marketing for politicians who live and die by the focus group. Interesting post. BTW, Bob, I have to feel I would be at minimum a 2 or 3.
Where are the people who found privacy in the Constitution? Why are they so quiet?
I got the ACS, and was a bit irritated with the questions. They promise privacy, but can anyone really be sure? I thought the questions were very invasive. And, of course, they remind you in the paperwork that you're required by law to fill the damned thing out in full.
Of course, it was bad (though not nearly so bad) when I got the thing ten years ago. The questions weren't nearly so irritating. It was pretty obvious what they were asking some of those questions for, and if I'd had the option, I wouldn't have filled it out at all.
When the ACORN worker shows up on the doorstep to do the questionnaire, I'll just double his going wage and tell him to fill it out whatever he wants, just like the voter registration forms that they used in the last election. As for the wage, what's a six pack and a pack of smokes worth ?
It's very simple. If someone from the government asks you if you have a flush toilet, just say, "Yes… but I don't use it."
I always lie on questionnaires like that. I've never taken a personality test like Myers-Briggs and gotten the same result twice–because I lie. It's none of their business, most of those questions.
FOR GOVERNMENTAL CONVENIENCE, I AM ANSWERING THE SURVEY ONLINE:
What is your name, address, and date of birth?
- Check my facebook page.
What is your race?
- NASCAR, but I also watch some Formula 1
Are you Hispanic, Latino, or Spanish origin?
- No, but I became one later.
Where were you born?
- In a hospital.
What is your ancestry or ethnic origin?
- I had a mom and dad.
How many cars do you have at your house?
- Depends on how many friends I have over.
Do you have a flush toilet?
- No, but my house does.
Do you have a sink with a faucet?
- Same as the last one.
How much is your rent/mortgage?
- Really, more than I want to pay, but what choice do I have?
Do you have a second mortgage? How much is it?
- Of course I don't have a second mortgage, silly! I'm still trying to pay off the first one!
Are you covered by a health insurance plan? Which type?
- Ask my wife. She's in charge of insurance.
Do you have serious difficulty hearing? Seeing? Concentrating, remembering, or making decisions?
- Usually, only when I am drunk.
Do you have difficulty dressing or bathing?
- See the last one.
How many times have you been married?
- We only had one wedding. Thank goodness we didn't need a do-over…
When did you last get married?
- Ask my wife. She's in charge of that, too.
Where did you work last? What’s the address?
- At my office. The address is on my business card.
What time do you leave home to go to work?
- About 30 minutes before I'm supposed to be there.
What is your income?
- Not enough.
What is your retirement/pension?
- Gone, thanks to all you government buttheads and your financial thief-buddies.
Do you have a VA disability rating?
- Sorry, I have never lived in Virginia.
What’s the most important thing you do at work?
- Get paid.
Yes I know what you speak of. I was sent one of those forms, and I also did not think by law I would have to answer these questions. They kept on sending them telling me what the law said. I did not respond. My bad. They gave up, and I moved. Hope the new owner does not have to pay the fine. I guess I am on a list of zeros now.
I don't have the type of money that would allow me to fight this in Federal Court. I sure would have wanted to because I do not feel it is the Government business or anyone else for that matter. Only family and friends would know half the answers. This was last year under the Bush admin so this is not an Obama type thing.
Dear Bob Hamer, with a such strong caractere, it was better for you to be out of the CIA, especially in this time of confusion. Under the Hussein's administration, the agency would quickly aim you as someone to broke and would make your life painful. Now, you are free to use your gift into a way who will give all the benefit only to yourself, with a safe moral and no compromise.
[...] government has the need to know: Do you have a flush [...]
I wish I had this cheat sheet maybe I would have filled it out. You have to answer under penalty of law truthful and your answers seem to mostly apply to me also. Especially Nascar and Formula One.
What is your name, address, and date of birth?
Head of household, 1234 Street Name, City, State zip NYOFB
What is your race?
NOYFB
Are you Hispanic, Latino, or Spanish origin?FB
Where were you born?
Pennyslvania, USA
What is your ancestry or ethnic origin?
American
How many cars do you have at your house?
NYOFB
Do you have a flush toilet?
NYOFB
Do you have a sink with a faucet?
NYOFB
How much is your rent/mortgage?
NYOFB
Do you have a second mortgage? How much is it?
NYOFB
Are you covered by a health insurance plan? Which type?
NYOFB
Do you have serious difficulty hearing? Seeing? Concentrating, remembering, or making decisions?
NYOFB
Do you have difficulty dressing or bathing?
NYOFB
How many times have you been married?
NYOFB
When did you last get married?
NYOFB
Where did you work last? What’s the address?
NYOFB
What time do you leave home to go to work?
NYOFB
What is your income?
NYOFB
What is your retirement/pension?
NYOFB
Do you have a VA disability rating?
NYOFB
What’s the most important thing you do at work?
NYOFB
Remember, you have rights under the Fourth Amendment to be secure in your papers and property, and the Fifth Amendment against self-incrimination. I am going to assert the Fifth on grounds that I don't want to risk omission of statements or unintentionally misstating something, thus putting myself in jeopardy of perjury. I recommend everyone do the same.
Ivan
Sanmon, I challenge your veracity based on this comment, "This was last year under the Bush admin so this is not an Obama type thing. "
The census is commissioned EVERY TEN YEARS, and isn't scheduled until 2010. So, how is it you received a census questionnaire in 2008? Hmmmm?
It's not nice to lie.
Ivan
That is just excellent. And truthful. Don't know how anyone could get in trouble for answering those questions that way.
Whenever I get asked about my race, ethnic origin, etc, I always answer "American" (just fill in the blank "other: American). I've done it since I was in middle school. That'll help their statistics on standardized tests, surveys, etc. Quite frankly, it's honest, and that's all they need to know.
Right…to conserve energy.
Snort; coffee out my nose! I barely missed my keyboard.
[...] News Sources wrote an interesting post today onHere’s a quick excerptBack in the late seventies I spent four years on active duty in the Marine Corps. As my military obligation was nearing completion I began a job search in the private and public sector. I narrowed my public sector job hunt to the FBI and the CIA. The CIA responded first and the application journey was like a Robert Ludlum thriller. My first interview was in a large room with only two chairs. Seated across from me was a man with a scar from ear to ear. I envisioned him being garroted in some thir [...]
I was sent a long form Census last year, a very long form. I finally sent it to my accountant. Question all you want, the Census is an ongoing process, they do not just show up every ten years.
I actually worked for the Census about 20 years ago processsing all the survey booklets that field interviewers filled out. They were pretty detailed depending on how many questions the people would answer. Basically they try to get as much as possible.
Not sure why they need to know your race.
I guess it helps set up people for "entitlement".
I hope that someday everyone fills out American. We would be in such a better place.
Once upon a time, those questionnaires used to ask you to check your 'race'. I always checked other and wrote in the box 'human'. Only called to the principal's office once. Thanks for the good ideas for answers to the questions I know are coming…
Yes that is the answer and I guess in your piggy bank you will be able to pay the lawyers. Forth and Fifth thats the ticket to take you far in life. We will all get with your recommendations.
/sarc off
absolutely brilliant stuff…
someone drank their inspirational tea this morning. Your race? NASCAR? Ho!… yes, we prefer F1. Going to use that, if you don't mind. Need Michael Schumaker and Ross Braun to buy out Bernie Ecclestone, but that's an argument for another day…
We had one of them back in ol'blighty a few years back. So many nerds/geeeks/jokers answered the "what is your religion" question with "Jedi" that they had to accept it as a religion
That will teach em' to mind their own damn business! Now if we can just bugger up their plans for national ID cards that would be perfect.
I always put in human, myself. Maybe next time I will put down Borg, since they are determined we will be a collective.
Most arguments regarding the constitutionality of the invasive questions have already been struck down in the supreme court.
Personally, I think the government only needs a head count, everything else is a tool for profiling.
HOWEVER, according to constitutional law, the census is to be run under the guiding eye of the Secretary of Commerce. Since this administration has had such a hard time holding on to one, the 2010 census is set to be run out of Rahm Emanuel's office (who is the Chief of Staff).
The executive branch is not supposed to run the census.
The constitution indicates, “The actual Enumeration shall be made within three Years after the first Meeting of the Congress of the United States, and within every subsequent Term of ten Years, in such Manner as they shall by Law direct.”
What does the law direct? Read on:
Title 13 of the U.S. Code, Chapter 1, Subchapter I, § 2, entitled “Bureau of the Census,” states: “The Bureau is continued as an agency within, and under the jurisdiction of, the Department of Commerce.”
Department of Commerce runs the census. Not the Chief of Staff.
Unless they reshuffle real fast, they lack the constitutional authority to conduct a census.
There is no reasont eh government stooges need to know when I leave for work or come home. I do not want ACORN ransacking my house or sending their goons to rob me. ACORN workers are fighting charges fo fraud in 20 states. And we are going to trust them with this much personal information? I am going to lie on the form and claim 20 republicans live in my house.
On the last two census questionaires I listed my race/ethnic background as 'Martian", and they haven't come for me…yet.
What’s the most important thing you do at work?
Do think by answering "surfing the web for porn" go me put onto a government watchlist?
Loved it! Especially the Pension Plan and ethnic origin. I have copied it so I can answer truthfully also. Thanks for the laugh.
LOL!!!!
Bob, when the federal government wants your opinion, they'll tell you what it is.
Name, Rank and Serial Number, brother. I give 'em only the info they're constitutionally empowered to collect.
He's not lying, I received the long form questionnaire last year also. And I agree, it was very intrusive.
Excellent writing, Bob! But then I wouldn't expect anything less from a government "0" personality and the author of the fabulous book, THE LAST UNDERCOVER! I received this survey and am appalled at how many invasive questions were on it… but even more than just the questions, the follow-up of visits to my home, phone calls, and mailings "reminding" me that I am Required By Law to respond or face a fine of $100-$5,000! I feel harassed, treated like a child ("now, your mailing it Mon. so it should be in the system by Thurs. and I will call you if it is not…"). Geeesh! My point is – if we don't say something now… where will it stop? They'll keep pushing the envelope of what they deem acceptable to question. Enough! If it is a "random household" survey, then why do they need MY name, DOB, exact income, name of supervisor where I work, etc.? – Way, way too personal if you ask me…
"what's a six pack and a pack of smokes worth ?"
After taxes….
Anyone else think these should have all been NOYFB instead of NYOFB? No wait. I can totally do better on this:
WTF? FFS, NYOFB s/b NOYFB, IMNSOHO, IYKWIMAITTYD. OMG!!!1!!11!1!eleven!!
There. Now my publik skrewl edjukashun finally paid off.
Because it doesn't have anything to do with abortion, which is when that right was found originally.
I will handle it the same way I handled the last one. I will fill out how many people live in my home and send it back.
When the 'volunteer' comes again to 'help' me fill out, I will make them sit on the porch in the sun, without offering a refreshment, until they turn purple and go away. I will not be intimidated and I will not be lied to. I don't 'need' government services and I can provide for my own child. Everyone else should do the same.
I found in my last experience with a Census worker, that they don't have the fortitude or intelligence to stand up to reasoned argument and perseverance. Be civil, consistent, and firm in your assertion that you will not fill out the form. They will go away. And for god's sake, don't let them inside or they'll fill the form out for you when they leave.
Ivan,
I guess you do not understand about this Census. It is not your normal 10 year one.
You should understand the word Normal. Well maybe not!
Liars are not good people but People like you, words should not grace these pages.
I do show grace and accept apologies.
Does the 2010 Census ask you to incriminat yourself by sighing??????????
If it does, Isnt this a violation of the Constitution????????
Have you heard of special censuses, moron?
I am an ol' fart working for the Census. If you ask me what I am doing that for, I am doing it for $13,50 and hour so I can make my house payment. I personally could give a rat's behind if you have a toilet or if you poop in the alley behind your dumpy little shack.. If you think you are so important that anybody in government cares about you as an individual, you are delusional. You are still looking for Oswald's accomplices. So shut up and answer the questions. Truth is immaterial. If you want to give me a bunch of lip, I'll stand there and smile. I get paid by the hour. BTW, I am also a member of the NRA and have a concealed carry permit so let's keep it polite. An armed society is a polite society.
I believe that Constitutional privacy begins and ends in the uterus.
At least they didn't ask you how many squares of toilet paper you use!
Accept for the question regarding how many people live in my house, on the last three censi I answered all other questions truthfully, "NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS".
I was threatened by the bean counter, but they never did anything, and I will never give in to their illegal interrogation.
Ron Reale
realetybytes@yahoo.com
realetybytes.townhall.com
I'm a zero too. Maybe we can start a club.
Now all we need is a slogan that isn't a complete oxymoron.
Liberty, I chose my own ethnic origin — "Adopted."
I have never answered any census question and never will. I don't give Radio Shack my address either, but that's just me.
Obviously our great community organizer cannot organize us if he doesn't have all of our important information.
To the president "We the People" means himself and his little cronies. However to THE people It means That they get to decide how to live their lives. We the people are strong, smart and FREE.
That is all the information they need to have.
I'll be using this. Thanks.
Where do I send the royalties?
I think I will use Obama's personal history to answer the form questions. We are protected from this invasion of privacy by a couple of enumerated rights as in the 4th and 5th amendments. So sue me, I am a zero personality. If Rahm's office conducts the census, it is illegal by Federal law and you can pretty much decline to state all answers.
[...] feel like answering personal questions? Neither did Bob Hammer at Big Government, who wrote about the survey last summer. According to the FAQ on the website, the government needs to know all these answers [...]
[...] a Nation” goes much, much deeper. Some of the ice-breaker questions, lifted for convenience from Big Government’s Bob Hamer, include everything from the intrusive to the downright inane (any emphasis from here on out is [...]
Hey Tommy boy, screw you and your family. No we are not going to shut up because a loser like yourself making $13.50 an hour tells us to. No, I am not delusional nor am I looking for Oswald's accomplices. I don't think the government or it's lackies like yourself need to know my personal information. Truth is only immaterial to an ignoramus like you. Get a life, and a job where you actually produce something that has value, not a government hack sticking your nose where it isn't needed.
me I answered how many people and sex and age nothing else but my daughter in law reported to me that at fort Lewis (her hubby is US army) that the command will make it hard for it people who don't answer the census and hers has been returned with a warning to fill it out properly….
If the government doesn't care about me as an individual, why all the detailed questions? Thank you for reassuring me that the Census is a load of shit, I'll have a nice bucket of ice cold water ready to dump on you when you come knocking on my door
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