As we move into the overpraise season in Hollywood, here’s a new rule for nominees. If you come to the podium, have something to say.  Anything.  Thank a list, tell a joke…SOMETHING.  You’re a professional performer, for goodness sake. The completely shocked gasping for air charade we got from Miss Winslet at the Golden Globes was a disingenuous farce. You can’t believe it? You mean during your 5 hours of hair and makeup or your multiple gown fittings it never occurred to you that you MIGHT POSSIBLY WIN? It’s not like they pulled you in off the street and plonked you down next to Leo. You had some time to mull it over. You couldn’t scratch out a few notes during the mud treatments while they changed your eye cucumbers? Your publicist didn’t mention that you statistically had a 20% shot in two different categories? You wouldn’t go on Leno without half rehearsing some shtick about your dog or the bad salad you made at your dinner party. But on an awards show with thirty times the audience you want extra ‘cute’ points for pretending to be so humble you never dreamed you might be called upon to waddle up to the mike?

Kate, come on. You’re in the only Holocaust movie. Can you say ‘lock’?

Here’s an option for all nominees going forward: you don’t have to go up there and be a nitwit. (“Gather…”) You can rise royally from your seat, pose and luxuriate in the applause and then park your clueless fanny back on the plush. We’ll DHL the dopey trophy to you and you can give it to your…whoever. The next winner will pick up the slack and you may even grab some Garbo mystery gloss.

It’s like a fair catch in football. Wave your arm and you don’t have to run it back. Just sit back down. No foul.

Or here’s an even more radical idea: you’re the master thespian…ACT like an award winner.

Got gas yesterday in Westwood.  (No, this isn’t a story about Rubio’s)

Paid $1.95.  Looked around the place, saw a lot of other people paying $1.95.  But nobody was smiling.  Seems like we were paying at least twice that last summer, so shouldn’t we be ‘pumped’ over this reduction? 

A couple rough numbers to consider (broad strokes, don’t get bogged down here):  The average American drives a little over 12,000 miles a year and there are about 200 million drivers.  ‘Average’ fuel economy of cars on American roads is about 20MPG so those drivers each need about 600 gallons of fuel a year.

At the beginning of last July the national average price for gas topped out at about $4.10.  Last week it was under $1.70.

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Explain to me why we can’t say ‘actress’ anymore? “She’s such a brave actor”

Doesn’t ‘actress’ MEAN an actor of the female gender? And isn’t ‘actress’ infinitely more elegant than ‘female actor’? Who starts this nonsense?

Um, romance languages routinely differentiate between genders without any perceived value judgment. Maybe we should reach out to the Spaniards on the Senor/Senora front. Get those Latin sisters into the movement. (Or maybe not.)

The function of language is the efficient transfer of information. We don’t say “Oh look at the female bear parent protecting it’s cubs.” We’d be an idiot.

It’s not a diminution to say ‘actress’…it’s information. Now we know it’s a woman playing the role.

We gotta stave off some of this stupidity. What’s next? How about the skirt silhouette on the bathroom door?  It’s not a judgment on preferred urinary posture. Its just information. The female pee-ers who encounter this very lucid potty icon are advised there’s a reasonable chance of finding some piss-free porcelain to sit on. It’s a win.

Besides, if we’re really being ideologically pure and correct, why stop at just dropping ‘actress?’ Shouldn’t we fold the Best Supporting Female Actor category into the Best Supporting Male Actor category since the very existence of gender separation is offensive and condescending to women?

We could shave a good twenty minutes off the Oscars. And think of the money we’d save on gowns.