So, I’m sitting in my local diner staring at a pair of gorgeous breasts that are hovering over my husband’s face as the twenty year old waitress takes our lunch order.  She purrs, “Ready?”  I think she just winked at him.  He pretends not to notice.  I am in the middle of a good story about my wonderful, recent trip to the AZ Freedom Rally II.

After an eternity, the gorgeous, young boobs leave and I resume my tale, ” …the greatest thing about this crucial moment in history is the fact that I am meeting the greatest people on earth…David Saucedo was in jail three years ago…he met Jesus, had an about-face and is now a Christian conservative rapper on the Tea Party Express IV.  

His new rapper name is Polatik.  He owns a construction company and runs a ministry in Waco, TX.  Spending two days with him is like being at a 48 hour Bible study.  He can’t stop talking about his new faith, his new life, his recent reading of the Federalist papers and The Constitution, the Bible, his new wife and two babies…one of which has leukemia.  Yes, Lianna has leukemia and is getting chemo right now and losing her hair.  David is trusting God for her healing. He shows me her picture on his I Phone. He put his life and now, his precious daughter’s life into his Father’s hands.  He is vibrant and real and shimmering with enthusiasm for helping others and helping our country get back on track.”  I’m glowing just from being near him.  Paul nods. We both think about Romans 8:28.

The beautiful 20 year old breasts return and I am distracted from my story again.  My husband pretends not to notice the breasts. The owner of the breasts places our food on the table.  I notice her third button has been strategically unbuttoned.  I clear my throat and continue, “Paul, I sent my letter to the Miami Herald.  Do you want to read it?”  Paul knows he must pay attention to me so he pushes his plate aside, slowly places his glasses on his nose and reads… (more…)

I am Victoria’s ukulele and I am in this fight for freedom too.

She takes me to all the rallies and I purposefully sit right in front of the podium so that everyone will notice me. I attended the Beverly Hills Tea Party. All the cameras saw my bumper sticker shouting, “I SUPPORT ARIZONA!!” Can you believe the President of the United States would sue a state?! Man, these are crazy times! All AZ did was ask him to protect them from illegal aliens and criminals. I guess the President doesn’t want to protect them and he is really mad about it. Mad enough to sue.

Suing is a big problem in America. Suing and lawyers. Tort Reform. The President is a lawyer, right? Lawyer sounds like Liar.

You don’t think he has ulterior motives…like, if he kisses butt to millions of illegals and gives them amnesty, they’ll all vote for him? Nah! That’s too nefarious.

Although, I did hear a rumor recently involving that Sherrod lady and “reparations” being paid to black farmers in the south. Many of the “farmers” receiving government money were not even farmers. A lot of things happen below the radar, with our tax money. Things we did not vote for…like abortions. And speaking of nefarious, what’s happening with the offshore oil drilling moratorium? Seems a bit odd how it’s not in the news. And, why would the President want to limit the USA from using its natural resources, while allowing other countries to use them? Um, maybe he wants to make the USA a third world country. But, what do I know? I’m a Ukulele!! (more…)

The perfect Feminist is Sarah Palin.
        
She is beautiful, thin, even athletic, successful, happily married, a good mother and a grandmother. She’s got it all – everything those Suffragettes were fighting for back in 1920. Not only can she vote, she got voted for! And, she was a great Governor. She’s got everything those sixties Gloria Steinem’s wanted. But, the Gloria’s won’t admit it because Sarah thinks “right.” Liberals want tolerance, but only for themselves.  

I love the way the Palins navigate Sarah’s fame. I watched Todd and Sarah at the Searchlight and Boston events this year. They looked like they were on a date. He had his arm around her protectively as they slinked through the column of bodyguards worming their way to the stage, where he watched her shine and then embraced her back into the SUV of safety. That is Feminism. A feminine woman achieving goals with the blessing of her man, while she simultaneously supports his career endeavors and celebrates his masculinity. I read her book. They are in love and enjoy mutual respect with a splash of sexiness. There is a fire there. You gotta love it.        
        
Now, I watch other women bragging about their single parenting. They “don’t need a man.” They can buy a baby. They can do anything a man can do. Well, they look stupid and desperate to me. First of all, women and men are very different and personally, when I’m being chased by a murderer/rapist/what-have-you, I’d rather have a big, strong man protecting me than a woman. I had a cop once, who came to the site of my car accident. She had long, blonde hair blowin’ in the wind, and two inch long, bright pink, fake nails. I mean, really. How do you get your finger through that hole to pull the trigger? I can’t even button my blouse with fake nails. Yeesh! (more…)

Prescott, AZ July 25, 2010.  

I find myself in a storybook Town Square.  A perfect pillared 1800’s courthouse surrounded by ancient trees and a Sound Of Music gazebo. Across the street is The Palace, a famous bar that people like Wyatt Earp haunted back in the Gold Rush days. A giant poster of Junior Bonner starring Steve McQueen proves the movie was shot in this bar.  I do a handstand in front of the Old West re-enactors.

(I have a Handstand Collection: photos of me holding a handstand in every city I’ve ever visited since childhood.) 

Victorian houses dot the hills and the Arizona sunset sucks me in. I am sunk. I love Prescott. They all warned me I wouldn’t want to leave. 

I just did a radio show with the nicest man, Dr. Terry Lovell.  I sang him my “There’s a Communist Living in the White House” song. He hadn’t heard it yet. (more…)

I’m sunbathing naked again.  I don’t really like it.  It’s sweaty. But, I think it might make me look thinner.  And, I have no work.  And, no one can see me.  Maybe Google Earth. I’m on the last chapter of  C.S. Lewis’ “Mere Christianity.” It explains so well what my heart knew, but my head couldn’t articulate.  I am looking out for bees and red ants.  A big, red ant bit me on my thigh yesterday.  Yes, the same thigh the bee
bit.  Weird.
 
I still can’t keep up with him.
 
I heard that he just proclaimed Al Qaeda racist!!

Racist, racist, racist. I’ll show you racist. (more…)

I’m sunbathing naked again.  No one can see me.  Just birds and bees.  And red ants. And God.  

I guess I’ll have to move back to FL.  I love LA. But, my family needs me in FL. I don’t seem to be getting many acting roles. Maybe this deep tan will help.  I squish a big, red ant with my shoe.  I wipe the sweat mixed with sun block from my under eyes and pick up my paperback of “Mere Christianity.”  I have a stack of books next to my arm, near my Coffee Nips.  Nick Popaditch’s book, “Once a Marine,” and Frank Pastori’s “Shattered.”  I used to read the Tabloids a lot but none of my friends are in them anymore…just reality stars I don’t recognize. I’m listening for the UPS man.  I really don’t want him to see me.  “Big, fat, ex-SNL star sunbathing naked!”   

King Obama is trying to eliminate Freedom of Speech by silencing conservative talk radio, TV and Internet.  His plan involves fees and fines. I’ve done research.  The Federal Trade Commission had a conference last month where they decided to “Redefine Journalism.”  Their plan is to have the Government pay the salary of journalists.  This will ensure complete control of the media. Yikes!  Kerry and Pelosi think the (Un) Fairness Doctrine could do this.  Mark Lloyd, Diversity Czar (whatever that is?!) way back in 2007 started encouraging small groups to protest local conservative radio stations by accusing programs like Rush and Hannity of “hate speech that incites violence”!  A group called CCAM in Fresno just obeyed this command. 

I can’t keep up with him. 

King Obama bribed his Socialized Medicine disaster through Congress and destroyed the greatest medical system in the world. 

I can’t keep up with him. 

King Obama is insidiously creeping into my very own personal life.  I don’t have health insurance anymore because of lack of work. Last month, I was shocked to see a TV commercial about Obama Health Insurance. It strangely said that there was a 2,000 caller a day limit?!  I called the number out of curiosity/research.  The recording said that the 2,000 quota had been reached.  After two days, this commercial disappeared, but yesterday I got an email from King Obama offering me Government health insurance.  I felt sick to my stomach.  I won’t even take unemployment checks, based on the principal of the thing.  But…I did start thinking…what if I need … help…someday…I shuddered…NO!  NO!  Go Away!!  I will not succumb to your sneaky attempts at turning me Communist!   (more…)

I’m sunbathing naked in my backyard.  I’m on the lookout for bees.  Yesterday one stung me on my thigh.  Thoughts are swimming in my sun baked head.  One thought keeps popping out amidst the others.

I can’t keep up with him. 

There’s a strange, red bump inside my eyelid.
Scarlet is pregnant with my first grandchild. 

I can’t keep up with him. 

Teenager wants to move back to FL.
Three pimples are on my chin because I ate three potato chips yesterday. 

I can’t keep up with him. 

There is a bee hive under my roof.
There is a Communist Living in the White House. 

I can’t keep up with him. 

Every time I try to research his newest Communistic endeavor, he does a new one!  I just can’t keep up! 

With lightning speed he and his minions are setting fire to The Constitution, looting and pillaging the Court System, and hanging Abraham Lincoln from a tree! 

Every time I pass the TV I do a double take.  Fox News only. (more…)

I was sitting in Church-Lady Helen’s living room. Someone commented on the illegal immigration problem. I said, “For some strange reason our government doesn’t know that illegal immigration is illegal.” Pious Helen stuck her nose in the air and proudly declared, “I never discuss politics.”

I felt like I’d just been punched in the face.

Is it a sin to watch the news? Maybe it’s okay to watch it, but not to talk about it.

I was sitting in the pew of my old church, sucking on a Coffee Nip, 30 calories, and mentally calculating my caloric intake of the day….so far, I had about 970 calories left for the day if I was to lose 20 pounds by…I focused on the sermon again.

The pastor said, “Okay…I’ll just come out and say it. (angry face) Instead of clicking a button and sending out some email information about the President…why don’t you spend 15 minutes praying for him?

He was looking right at me.

My mind shouted back at him, “Why can’t we do both?!”

I do both.

Are Christians allowed to read and think ? Or are we only allowed to pray?! (more…)

Vicki: Mom, I just did a Tea Party speech in Washington, D.C.  I sang my song, “There’s a Communist Living in the White House!” 

Mom: Oh No!  I don’t want you to get shot! 

Vicki: You see what you just said?  That’s the problem.  “When the people fear the Government it’s Tyranny.  When the Government fears the people, it’s Liberty.”  Thomas Jefferson             

Mom: What?! 

Vicki: When Bush was President they called him horrible names, every day on TV; they even made a movie about him getting shot.  No one was afraid.  That was America; a rude, disrespectful, mean America, but a Free one.  Now, we are actually afraid of the Government, and… 

Mom: Let me get your Dad on the phone…JJJIIIMMM!!  (more…)

As you can see from this photograph, I can’t quite reach Sarah Palin.  This is a group shot of Sarah with my fellow Tea Party Express-ers in Boston. I’m on the left in the back row next to a man holding up an Anti-AARP bumper sticker.  Palin is in the center in the red leather jacket.

Happy mayhem surrounds Sarah Palin.  Pushing, snapping, hugging.  I couldn’t get near her if I tried, so I just stood in the back watching the circus.  At one point, I couldn’t resist, while she was signing Ron Rivoli’s guitar, I reached out my arm through the crowd and touched her red jacket with my finger!

I spent one week on the Tea Party Express’s three week bus tour across the country.  In each city from Searchlight to Sioux St. Marie to Washington D.C., this great group of patriots and I were received by throngs of loving, passionate Americans who share our concern about the TYRANNY that has hijacked our government.  It’s amazing how many different creative, original ways that FREEDOM can be expressed.  The signs were hilarious and righteous.  Lots of smiling, singing, and photographs. (more…)

Searchlight, NV March 27, 2010

My friend Bonnie asked me to drive with her to Searchlight, NV  for the Tea Party Express Kickoff where Sarah Palin was going to speak.  I said, “Yes!”  Then, I started thinking about reality.  I would need to pay a dog sitter and a teenager sitter.  My daughter couldn’t come with me because she was winning an award at the 168 Film Festival in Glendale – all the more reason for me to stay home. Then, I would have to sit in a car for ten hours round-trip. I hate sitting. I don’t travel unless I’m getting paid.  Tea Parties don’t pay.  Of course, I attend them for one purpose only – to save my country.  But, it helps if there’s an added incentive, like a free T shirt or meeting Sarah Palin!  But, if I was in a crowd of thousands there would be little chance I would meet Sarah.  Suddenly I was invited to be one of the speakers at the Searchlight event!  YES!  This would ensure my private moment with Sarah, so I said YES!

I finished reading her book so I would know what to say to her when I met her. She was the “me” I could have been if I had made different choices, and if fate had…you know, made me Alaskan.  We had so much in common.  But, I have a feeling everyone feels that way because way over 10,000 people were there waiting in the dry, windy desert along with me, just to get “to touch the hem of her garment.”  That’s a Biblical reference.   (more…)

“Fuzzy Gun” by James Jackson

“Guns are tools.  They are no better or worse than the person holding them.” W.P. Wessel 

I have a gun.  It has never shot anyone.  Not even people I’m mad at.  It just lies there, like it’s sleeping. 

I bought it in 1986 when Richard Ramirez was on a killing spree in Los Angeles and I had a new baby.  You know, the guy who used his victim’s blood to paint pentagrams on their walls? They said he liked yellow houses.  I lived in a yellow house in Laurel Canyon.  It was hidden in the trees far away from other houses so no one would even hear us scream. 

So, I bought a gun to protect my daughter. 

Some people think owning a gun is bad. 

I sure wish I would have had a gun the night I got held up by the six foot tall man in the parking lot of the Variety Arts Center.  I was 21 years old.  All I had to protect myself was my scream.  The man was holding a gun to my head and trying to push me into a dark alley.  Fortunately, my blood curdling scream scared him away.  A friend ran out of the V.A.C. to help me and said he thought he’d heard a siren. I filed a police report and used the experience as material for my next Johnny Carson appearance.  (more…)

Rahm Emanuel. (I’m shaking my head slowly).  It’s not his real name you know.  “Emmanuel” means “God with us” and that is not his real name.  It’s Auerbach.  Look it up. And…Rahm means “high” or “lofty.”  Mark Levin calls him “the creepy ballerina.”  I think he looks like the devil.  I’m just saying.  He talks like the devil.  I’m sure you heard that he called the Democrats “F—ing retards.”  Everyone got mad at the Retard word and no one got mad at the “F” word.  My dad said that people only make fun of the reproductive and excretory systems of the human body and no one should because God made the human body and it is a masterpiece.

What is it with all these people throwing the “F” word around like a basketball? (more…)

I think the sleeping giant has been awakened.

Now the sleeping giant needs to put on some clothes. 

Hallelujah!  I was praying about our country.  And then, Scott Brown dropped out of the sky. My friend Bonnie was praying and fasting.  I said, “Fasting?  You weigh 90 lbs.!” 

She said, “I am fasting from Glenn Beck.  Fasting means abstaining from anything that you love, not just food.” 

Oh good.  Because I can’t even go two hours without popping a Coffee Nip (hard candy, 30 calories each) in my  mouth.  Maybe I’ll fast from Coffee Nips in an effort to enhance my prayer intensity.  Only God can save our country. 

So, our prayer and fasting is working.  Millions of us have been praying.  And, thanks to Glenn Beck we are learning exactly who our enemy is.  Whether you call it Progressive, Radical, Far Left, Communist, or Socialist, it is one thing – Government Control.  Those two words don’t register in many minds because our secular school system ”forgot” to teach political science and accurate history.  Communism destroys freedom, annihilates Christianity, kills people, and doesn’t work. I recently sang my “There’s a Communist Living in the White House” song to a 12 year old.  He said, “What’s a Communist?”  I said, “Here’s your crash course in politics – Communism is the opposite of Freedom.” (more…)

The RUSH is what scares me.

“Impatience does not diminish but augments the evil.” (Latin proverb)

Okay, we all know that this global warming thing is a politically based, scientifically unproven, exaggeration based on greed, power and big government control.  I just did my science term paper on it and science hasn’t found an accurate way to measure global climate yet. But, what if it is true that industry, production, coal use and automobiles are emitting too much poison into the atmosphere, and our earth is sensitive to this, being damaged by this, and that there is potential damage coming to our future generations…

…wouldn’t the logical, reasonable thing be to intelligently discuss the topic?  Perhaps a televised debate between two respected scientists who have no political ties, who have opposite opinions on the climate change topic?  Isn’t that the way civilized people approach problems?! (more…)

It seems these days
I’m in a haze,
And I can’t concentrate on things,
Don’t eat or sleep,
Feel incomplete,
And kinda scared and creepy.

I look over my shoulder lots
And shudder when I watch TV.
I bite my nails and cuticles
And watch my words very carefully.
I bite my lip a lot
And fidget with the buttons on my blouse.
Why?
…BECAUSE THERE’S A COMMUNIST LIVING IN THE WHITE HOUSE!!!

I’m jittery, my teeth I grate
I twitch, I shake, I ruminate
Lately I’m perplexed and pinched
In pain, I pout and ponder. (more…)

I quit politics. 

For one thing, I can’t sleep because I absent-mindedly forgot to include three of my favorite Freedom Fighters in my Truth Tellers list, Levin, Malkin and Coulter. I love them.  If they ever find out that I forgot to mention them in my last blog, they will forever not know how much I respect/honor them.  This is giving me a headache, and making me chew off all of my new fake fingernails.  I can’t even enjoy my rented DVD Season Two Compilation of “Mad Men.”  Oh, and I love Stossel, Gallagher, Stein and Morris too! 

Okay, then I find out Gingrich is pal-ing up with Pelosi about Global Warming!  Eww!  Defector!  Oh man!  Strike him off my list.  Now!  He’s off!    

Picking leaders is painful. Voting.  If you put their name up on your car, or in your yard or tattoo it to your face, you are suddenly responsible for every move they make and every word they say.  Too much pressure. 

Thirdly, I cannot bear the hatred of the Left.  Their comments.  The look on their faces in my rear view mirror when I see them noticing my “Fox News: Truth” bumper sticker, or my “Glenn Beck” bumper sticker, or my “Okay, joke’s over.  Bring back the Constitution” bumper sticker.  Their snide glances and snaps of disgust.  I can’t take it anymore.  Hatred hurts.  (more…)

I think of you often.       

I’m getting my fake fingernails put on and I’m thinking of you. I have a pitch meeting at Pie Town tomorrow and I chewed all my real fingernails off last night watching Anita Dunn express her admiration for Mao Tse Tung.  Thank you for exposing yet another enemy of our freedom.  You are so passionate and curious and smart and real.  Sigh.  I look at my Vietnamese manicurist and pedicurist and smile.  I ask them their names.  Katie.  Kathy.  Hmm.  I glance around the nail salon.  The decor is Greek columns with 1920’s lamps in between. There is a 1970’s Disco Bar in the middle of the room with a 1930’s Art Deco Chandelier in the center.  There is a Faux Greek Mural and then Post Modern New Age Sterile Minimalist Lights sprinkled in between.  It’s “Psychedelic International.”  Just like the New America.  I ask Katie and Kathy what their real names are.  They look at me suspiciously. Hang and Gnoc.  Okay.  (more…)

(Applause. The air is titillating.  The mood rambunctious.  The atmosphere tense.  Over the loud speaker we hear, “3, 2, 1 and …”) 

Joy:  Hello, Victoria.  So, I hear you’re a Tea Partier!  (Sarcastic smile.  Eyes roll.)

Victoria:  Oh, well… 

Joy:  I suppose you like Sarah Palin!  (Sarcastic smile.  Eyes roll.) 

Victoria:  Oh, well, I love her, she is so… 

Joy:  She is so dumb!  (Sarcastic smile.  Eyes roll.) 

Victoria:  No, I don’t think that… 

Joy:  Just like George Bush.  He was an idiot!  (Sarcastic smile.  Eyes roll.)  (more…)

I remember three images from September 11, 2001:

1)  People jumping from burning buildings.
2)  Congress standing outside, humbly bowing their heads, and praying.
This was a shocking sight.
3)  The pews of my church completely full of people…and for several months after.

It’s human nature to remember God when we’re in big trouble.  Even agnostics offered up a prayer that day.  We needed super human help from a higher power to defeat the Enemy Without.

God answered our prayers, and along with the excellent leadership of Bush, Cheney, our fantastic military, and superb FBI and CIA, we have been safe for eight years.  Thank you.  (more…)