This is a new proposal, concocted after California Legislators failed to regulate the size of their  televisions. That one didn’t sit too well in the land that coined the phrase “Size Does Matter.” I would suggest that the more intelligent legislation would be to ration inches. For instance my  (not to brag) 110″ television, would be the same as some people who have a 12″ set in every room of the house. 

But I digress. Buried in the article is this tidbit of information: Apparently television watching contributes to 10% of the entire American electrical requirement. Holy Moly. Ten percent is more than the entire Cap and Trade Bill expects to cut over the next hundred years.

Which leads me to my proposal. If people in Hollywood REALLY wanted to go green, they should just quit making TV shows, and get a real job. All of them. Writers, Directors, and Producers as well. (It wouldn’t be an issue for tech people, they’re quite familiar with work already.) Without television programming, TV would become completely  unwatchable.

Which isn’t a new idea in Hollywood. Networks have already tried other ways to get people to stop watching Television. Last year’s “Kath and Kim” and the more recent “Parks and Recreation” both have been completely unsuccessful in their attempts to get people to turn off the TV before “The Office” came on.

Why should average Americans, the ones who actually provide necessities of life like food and shelter, be forced to pay more for their energy, when there is a solution right in front of us all? You want the rich to pay their fair share? Television stars make more for a single episode than some of us earn in our entire lives. If Al Gore’s apocalyptic predictions are true, certainly the leisure class of Hollywood must do their part to help save the Polar Bears.

It’s time for all of you out in Hollywood to show us all your acting  abilities, and act like Americans. Your motivation is Saving the Planet.

Stop making the Television that is about to destroy us all.

When Elvis came out of the dressing room for the first time in that sequined white jumpsuit with elephant bells, high collar, and a matching cape, he asked the people he thought were friends, “Ahh , what d’yall think? Ahh picked it for my Hawaii show…”

But everyone lied, and told him that he looked great. He didn’t really have any friends. Just a handful of people making an incredible amount of money working at Elvis Inc. So nobody stood up to him. When a man gets surrounded by a phalanx of assistants, groomers, managers, agents and other members of the entourage whose job it is to tell him how great he is –these things happen.

Michael Jackson suffered from the same affliction. Nobody had the nerve to tell Michael that he shouldn’t be sleeping with little boys, so it continued. If you remember the Martin Bashir documentary, he was very adamant about his proclivities with those beautiful little boys: “Why can’t you share your bed? That’s the most loving thing to do, to share your bed with someone…”

Apparently there was nobody within Michael’s inner circle that had the nerve to explain it to him and risk the unemployment line. There aren’t a lot of openings for jobs that pay six figures changing IV bags and gluing on a prosthetic nose.

I was thinking about this the other day while watching Bill Maher’s pathetic season finale. I almost felt a little sorry for Bill when his cherished beliefs were confronted for what seemed the very first time. And it wasn’t some angry conservative rubbing reality in his face, it was a panel of dogmatic peers. Here was Bill, a man, famously skeptical of religion and abrasively sarcastic about climate science doubters, admitting that he subscribes to New Age religion and doubts microbiology.

What started as a gentle ribbing soon took a dramatic turn as one by one, some of Americas most liberal celebrities realized that Bill wasn’t kidding. And aside from a few enthusiastic New Age freaks in the audience, most of his adoring fans seemed a little uncomfortable with the whole thing.

I think what happens to comics is they get a mutated strain of Elvis Disease. From experience, I know that many comedians tend to be incredible introverts. Normal human contact for them is completely impossible. They can only relate to other people from the security of the stage. Except for a couple brief moments with a convenient waitress or exotic dancer, stage time becomes a substitute for love and affection. That’s why many comics have troubled personal lives, and probably are second only to radio personalities for their propensity to divorce.

David Letterman exemplifies this social disorder. His inability to venture outside the confines of the Ed Sullivan Theater has left him with potential harassment lawsuits. His desire to seek amorous engagements with the staff is symptomatic of the disease he harbors.

When a comic hosts a show that becomes widely popular they become even more secluded. Their fame makes it impossible to do normal things and their only contact with the outside world is the writing staff. The people who toil at crafting the evening monologue are so afraid of getting fired from a rather lucrative job that they only write jokes specifically for the host. Hence they serve to reinforce the notion in the host’s own imagination that he is infallible. Add to that, an eager audience willing to applaud wildly at every remark and you have the recipe for a monster. This is why Bill Maher has begun to believe that he is the smartest man in the world: in his world, he is.

For Bill this is compounded by his choice of companions. His social life is populated with Playmates and other girls under thirty. He prefers women whose careers are completely dependent on their eating habits. They are also closer to playing with stuffed animals than the bridge club, so they tend to be animal-loving, vegetarian PETA chicks obsessed with cleansing and toxins.  In order to get along with them, Bill feigns interest. An exciting date for Bill is a little locally-grown, raw, organic, vegan salad and some high-pressure colonics.

So he has begun to believe that eating seaweed and having water shot up his butt is ample protection from the H1N1 virus. Why would he think different? Most of his dates look a lot healthier than the visage he glimpses in the bathroom mirror on the way into the shower. Meanwhile, nobody on his staff has the nerve to tell Bill to straighten up.

It will be curious to see what happens to Bill over the next couple months while his show is on hiatus. It’s already been renewed, so that removes any self-doubt that he might be holding. (He won’t be spending the next few months obsessing over the mortgage, like the rest of us.)  So he can just put that finale behind him, and forget it ever happened.

But I wonder if he can. Will he replay the show in his head and worry about his sanity, or continue to withdraw into his holistic delusions? A good friend might set up an intervention.

But I doubt he has any real friends left.

And with the full knowledge of what will happen next, the current King of Late Night. David Letterman announced to the world that he has been guilty of sexual indiscretions with some of his staff.

 That had to be difficult. Over the past 27 years we’ve enjoyed watching Letterman take apart people who have fallen prey to simple human urges. From Gary Hart’s Monkey Business, through Woody Allen and Soon Yi, into the Clinton years, and right up to the Palin scandal that forced an apology; David Letterman has been right on top of others’ indiscretions.

So he knew what he is facing. In a stifled apology on his show last night that sounded like it was written by Garrison Keillor, he got remorseful with the audience:

Maybe this looks better to you at noon, but six in the morning all you can think about is every terrible thing you’ve ever done in your entire life.

I am motivated by guilt…I’m just a towering mass of Lutheran Midwestern guilt

But you have to give Dave credit. He did do the right thing. A person of Letterman’s wealth and power could have paid the guy off. He also could have gone across the hall and had the guy fired.

I’m sure that CBS News, and “48 Hours,” both still reeling from the Memo-Gate scandal of 2004, would Rather have swept the whole thing under the rug (capitalization intended). They could have quietly dispatched him, and with a few well-placed phone calls made certain the guy never worked in another news room ever again. (As it looks now, Robert Halderman might be editing a Prison Newsletter in the near future.)

Yet, as Greg Gutfeld observed, he did the Right thing (again, capitalization intended). Many similar scandals have been worsened with a botched cover-up. This takes more courage from someone like Letterman, who knows all too well, the implements of his impending torture.

So now we wait for the court of Late Night to pronounce verdict. Will the other hosts show a little professional courtesy, or will they attack with all the bluster that Dave has attacked others in this predicament?

There is too much here NOT to go after: Ironic that Halderman wrote the Letter, and Letterman did the Handling.

And  these women should have KNOWN  they were working inside Worldwide Pants.

The top-ten lists practically write themselves.

I’m predicting that almost all the Late Nights will go after it. There’s just too much competition between the shows to let it lay. It would be hard not to.

Most interesting will be Craig Ferguson’s response. Craig actually works for the Pants, so it will be interesting to see if Craig’s impish personality will trump his corporate loyalty (assuming he’s even free to even mention it).

On the other hand, I think Bill Maher won’t touch it. Something tells me that Bill has several skeletons in his OWN closet, and will avoid it like a real debate. No sense setting up your own inquisition.

And the biggest question of all, what will David do?

Stay tuned!

Hollywood superstar Will Ferrell is surrounded by eight “celebrities” in a satirical defense of the health insurance companies.

And I use the term “celebrities” loosely. One is the only recognizable character from the cult series “Heroes,” another is a star of a popular cable series that was recognized at Sunday’s Emmy Awards, another is a star of a cable series that nobody ever watches, one is from Comedy Central’s Reno 911, another is his best friend, one is the star of the hit movie franchise “Scooby-Doo,” and to give the clip credibility, two of the “celebrities” actually play doctors on TV.  I will give a prize to anyone who can name all eight without using Google®.

Is this the best Hollywood can come up with? Other than Ferrell, most of these people don’t even have a Q score high enough to make it on “Dancing with the Stars,” or “I’m a Celebrity, Get Me out of Here!”

So where are the A-listers? It seems like most of them have been trying to rebuild their careers. People who were stars in the early part of this century saw their earnings take a nose dive as they learned that a lot of conservatives watch TV and buy movie tickets, CDs, and DVDs.

As for the video, it seems a little hypocritical that Will Ferrell is complaining about insurance company profits since he made scads of money just for wearing tights and doing pratfalls. Meanwhile, health insurance companies do a lot of good for people by providing life saving health care most people would never be able to afford otherwise. They also cite unfounded statistics like 80% of America supports a “public plan” and that insurance companies have denied claims based on spelling errors.

Oh yeah, and it’s supposed to be funny. The clip is posted on the site “Funny or Die”… In the immortal words of Patrick Henry, “Give Me Death!”

It can’t be accidental. Certainly there must be one celebutard who has an opinion on the debate. I long for a wonderful bit of wisdom from Sheryl Crow, perhaps a suggestion to save costs and the environment by washing and re-using band-aids.

Where is Barbra Streisand? Barbra has been noticeably absent from all political debate lately. Probably not coincidentally, she just released a new album. Perhaps her handlers advised Babs to tone it down; that her target audience is  composed primarily of senior sitizens now, a demographic that has a tendency to skew conservative and worry greatly about their health care. (The profit motivation is an  awesome force, strong enough to restrain torrents of wisdom from the Great Barbra Streisand.)

Even Mike Farrell, a frequent advocate of government health care, has been silent lately. Mike is a fortunate celebrity, whose name would be unrecognizable to anybody, if Wayne Rogers hadn’t stormed off the set of M*A*S*H 35 years ago. Farrell is still making an incredible living based on those eight years of work he did more than a quarter century ago; he gets a little bit of change every time you watch a re-run of M*A*S*H.

He is one of those who believes in a “right” to healthcare. The flaw in his thinking is that health care does not exist without the labor of others, and you have no “right” to the labor of others. I wonder if Mike Farrell believes that access to free reruns of M*A*S*H is a basic human right?

For instance, the people who developed the Viagra which helps Mike Farrell enjoy his M*A*S*H residuals, spent many long hours in a laboratory developing that medicine. I would suggest they worked more hours than Mike spent in his location trailer while his show was being filmed. The creators of  medicine are just as entitled to residuals as the creators of television. 

Is it related to need? A critic might suggest that medicine should be free since people need medicine to live, whereas television is only a want. But to me, that is more reason why it should be paid for.  People don’t like to do things for free.

My Grandma used to give me five bucks every time I cut her lawn. I felt guilty, and tried to refuse it because after all she was my Grandma. “You did me a big favor,” she insisted, “At least let me buy you a little beer.” (She had to know I was only sixteen, right?) Eventually I relented.

What my Grandma understood quite well was that a task unpaid for stops getting done. Sure enough, I would be over her house every Saturday, picking up a little beer money by mowing her lawn. I was young and energetic back then, and I probably could have found many different ways to spend those Saturday afternoons. If it was just for the love of Grandma I might have put the mow off for a couple of days. But because I wanted a twelve-pack of Carling Black Label, I was pushing a lawnmower around her yard every single Saturday afternoon in the Summer.

It is the same with medicine. The only reason why we have wonderful things like botox, chemical peels, laparoscopic bariatric surgery, liposuction, collagen injections, implants, steroids, anti-virals, and the vast array of anti-depressants that keep actors young, slim, shiny, and smiling on the red carpet is because people in the medical industry wanted a little extra beer money on Saturday night. Maybe actors have figured this out, and oppose the President on this issue for that very reason.

A comic friend once suggested that the second amendment should be viewed in its historical context, that the right to bear arms should only apply to the right to own the high technology of the 18th Century: flintlocks, muskets and blunderbusses. I suggest that if the Constitution suggests that Americans have a right to health care, that it also be taken in historical context. You have the right to bleedings, leaches and arsenic therapy; and unlimited access to the barber of your choice. Surgery will be paid for, but anesthesia is extra. 

Still interested, Mike?

Outside a short article by the AP there is very little coverage of Cindy Sheehan. The woman who once couldn’t go anywhere without a spate of cameras in tow, is now wandering the streets of Martha’s Vineyard completely alone. Her name is as forgotten by the locals as Mary Jo Kopechne. This despite the Island being packed full of journalists right now; journalists who couldn’t resist an all expense paid trip to the Vineyard to cover the vacation of His Presidency. I’m fairly certain there were a lot more journalists already on the island than there were in that ditch outside of Crawford four years ago.

Which incidentally makes a great point: which President is really a “man of the people?” While President Bush did a stay-cation at his humble ranch in Texas, President Obama has decided to bring the entire family and entourage (at great expense to the US taxpayers) to one of the most exclusive vacation spots in America.

And this will probably be Sheehan’s downfall. There really wasn’t much expense camping out in a ditch (along with hundreds of supporters) but there is a really good chance, that the Vineyard’s Finest will eventually ask her to leave the island. I highly doubt there are going to be any wealthy supporters buying her a piece of property to pitch a tent this time around.

Most remarkably silent is the once anti-war Huffington Post. As of this writing, there is not a single mention of Cindy Sheehan visiting Martha’s Vineyard on the entire website. When Cindy set up camp in Crawford four years ago the HuffPo was on fire. Bloggers even dedicated an entire day to cover the grieving woman, who just wanted peace in memory of her son. In fact, Big Hollywood blogger, Greg Gutfeld, wrote a very funny article (that is still up there, and will probably be deleted shortly) about how he was the only blogger who didn’t write a Cindy Sheehan piece and how it made him feel “like showing up at a costume party, and everyone [else] came dressed as a blood-sucking ghoul!”

If there ever was a need to prove the bias of the Left and the media, this is certainly it.  Most of us knew the fascination with Sheehan was politically motivated. Those protests had nothing to do with the war. They were about bringing down the President. And the saturation coverage by the media had nothing to with current events, it was activism disguised as news.

Meanwhile, in the face of 10% unemployment and multi-trillion dollar deficits, their handpicked successor to the White House has done something that everybody thought was impossible: He’s made America nostalgic for President Bush.

Of course David Letterman did jokes on it almost every single night. Conspicuously absent on Letterman this week were the Ruth Madoff jokes about switching to Geico® and California Pizza Kitchen®.  The Bernie Madoff joke this week (Monday and Friday) was how a call girl is the only person who actually made any money off of Bernie. He also jumped on the joke Jimmy Kimmel started last week about Obama’s Bingo Pants, but of course, Letterman’s joke was at the expense of people who might look more appropriate in Obama’s pants (Hillary, Rosie O’Donnell, Chastity Bono). Kimmel did a redux, and claimed he doesn’t want a President in tight jeans, he just wants a President that shops in the men’s section.

I’m debuting a new award this week, The Heartbeat Away from a Joke Award. Since most comics have been taking the safe route when going after the Administration, I’m no longer crediting Joe Biden jokes as Obama material. Instead, there will be a separate category for Biden jokes disguised as Obama jokes. Jimmy Kimmel claimed, that after Obama’s health-care press conference, Joe Biden filled in the other 59 minutes making balloon animals.

Funniest Obama Lines of the Week: Surprisingly this goes to David Letterman: A woman in Mexico was arrested for practicing dentistry in the Garage, “Welcome to the Obama Health Plan … only a trillion dollars in three easy payments of $333 billion a month.” He also claimed that of the 14¢ a day Bernie Madoff gets for sweeping floors, “8¢ goes to pay for the Obama health plan.” “The original Astronauts of Apollo 11 visited Obama in the White House and said claimed the moon was ‘cold, desolate, barren, foreboding, it was creepy..’ Obama said, ‘You don’t have to tell me, I’ve got my mother-in-law living in the White House!’”

Lamest Attempt at Obama Jokes: The clear Winner was Jon Stewart: “Obama has been President for six months, and the Fairies that we were sure would ride on his wings and solve all the worlds problems have failed to materialize. Where are the world-fixing fairies, Obama?!”

Most Overused Person as a Punchline: Gidget, the Taco Bell Chihuahua, whose passing was marked by Letterman: “Died of a ruptured Chalupa.” Craig Ferguson: “Laid to rest in a crispy tortilla with a scoop of sour cream.” And Jimmy Fallon: Last words were: “Yo Quiero Morphine!”

Runner-up was Amy Winehouse, whose new perfume raised some uncomfortable odiferous metaphors from Ferguson: “Just go sleep in a dumpster, for a week.” and Letterman: “In case you want to smell like a holding-cell mattress”

Second runner-up was Sarah Palin. Her resignation twice inspired Letterman to do the joke about her “waving” to Russia. She also took heat from Kimmel who said, “She will be leaving us completely unprotected from the Russians …she said she is going to divide her time her time between traveling to support Conservative causes and learning how to pronounce the g at the end of words…I admit I’m going to miss her, for a late-night talk show host, a woman like Sarah Palin only comes around once in a lifetime.” (Gee Jimmy, have you noticed that the current occupant of the White House likes to drop his “g’s,” as well? Especially when he wants to pretend he was actually raised on the South Side of Chicago.)

I’m also debuting the Missed Opportunity of the Week, which goes to Kimmel. Jimmy completely ignored a press conference incident where Obama called on a Steve Koff of the Cleveland Plain Dealer, got a question from Steve Thomma of McClatchy, and read his prepared answer for Steve Koff. Kimmel could have nailed the President, (or ignored the incident completely like all the other hosts did). Instead, Kimmel ran a video of Obama calling on Steve Koff, who was depicted as a man who couldn’t stop coughing. (I’m STILL laughing at that one!)

The Most Interesting Interview this week was not an interview but an appearance. I’m going to give props to my buddy Dobie Maxwell, who made his network television debut on the “Craig Ferguson Show.” Bias, you betcha! Self-serving? Well, if you mean because Dobie is part of the Comedian News Panel, Jerry’s Kidders, every Saturday morning at 11am Central on WGN AM 720, the Voice of Chicago – along with Tim Slagle, Ken Sevarra and Jerry Agar? Certainly! You think I’m a trusted newsman like Jon Stewart? I’m a shallow opportunist!

And speaking of opportunists: It seems that a lot of the late nights can still only find humor in the opposition party. Which segues nicely into the Writers over Shoulders Award. Letterman and Kimmel both claimed that the opposition to Obama’s health-care reform was solely from the Republicans because there was no coverage for breast implants on their mistresses (Letterman) or girlfriends (Kimmel).

Runner up goes to Maher and O’Brien, who both suggested that Sgt Crowley tried to arrest Barack Obama (because he’s BLACK, get it?) Maher went the furthest, claiming Air Force One was pulled over for a broken tail light, and Sgt. Crowley asked to see Obama’s birth certificate.

Oldest Presidential Joke: This again goes to Stephen Colbert who claimed, “President Obama associates with burglars (Skip Gates)… he’s a much better President than I thought (show picture of Richard Nixon). Which leads us to…

The Angriest White Man: Bill Maher who devoted his entire monologue to the Skip Gates arrest. Strange that he claims to be against racial profiling, but his entire monologue was based on a straw man profile of a typical white (meaning: racist) police officer. Would someone please send a copy of the police report over to Maher’s writers? His “comedy” was based entirely on untrue suppositions:

He was coming back from China–who breaks in to a house with luggage? (Gates was inside when police arrived). Crowley said Gates was threatening him — of course he was threatening, he was an educated black man. (The police arrested him for creating a disturbance, not threatening a police officer.)

Maher continues, “Barack Obama apologized for saying the officer acted ‘stupidly.’ What he meant to say was ‘retarded.’”

Once again, I envy the Left for their ability to use words that have been banned from my vocabulary. Especially when I’m reviewing someone like Bill Maher.

Maybe it is generational. I know that’s how some fans explain the humor gap to me. Stewart is playing to the young kids and I’m just too old to get it. The problem is, while “Daily Show” viewers might still think they’re kids, they aren’t anymore. Rather than holding a Student ID in their wallets, most “Daily Show” viewers are much closer to their AARP cards. In fact, a recent analysis puts the average age of a “Daily Show” viewer at 41.4 years old.

But are they brighter? Well, according to a recent online poll by Time magazine, 44% of respondents claim that Jon Stewart is America’s most trusted “Newsman.” You cannot convince me that bright people would trust a comedian to be a “Newsman.” (Or maybe it’s just normal for the kids today, since comedy is now considered ample experience to be a United States Senator.)

Of course, this is probably more telling of the Time Magazine readership than anything else. After looking at nothing but editorials and propaganda for the past several years, the readers of Time are perfectly incapable of distinguishing news from opinion. But this isn’t the first time. A 2007 Pew study found that around a quarter of internet users rely on “The Daily Show” or “The Onion” as their primary news source.

Are they complete and utter morons? “The Daily Show” conducted a poll to determine the education level of their audience and proudly trumpeted the results.  According to Nielsen research, “Daily Show” audiences are more likely to hold a four-year degree than those watching “The O’Reilly Factor.” Of course, they didn’t find out what KIND of a degree those people hold, or whether it left them employable, or even employed. But that really doesn’t matter. If they’re confusing a comedian with a newsman, they certainly aren’t very bright. Once again we see how the value of an education is highly overrated. Just because you went to school with intelligent people doesn’t mean you are one yourself. You cannot gain intelligence through osmosis.

I think this is why the Left is so snarky. They assume they belong to the party of intellectuals and they can gain intelligence just by their allegiance. So even if they were never too good in school, as long as they vote Democrat, they can look down on the ignorant right-wingers.

These are the same people who make fun of Dittoheads and Spell Fox news “Faux.” They should at least give the Rush and Fox audiences a little credit. Even if you disagree with our assessment, and consider us impressionable zombies, we’re only doing what we’ve been told. If we think Fox is “Fair and Balanced,”" perhaps it’s because we’ve been told it’s Fair and Balanced–ditto for Rush. You cannot really fault us for that. On the other hand, Jon Stewart goes out of his way to tell everyone that his show is fake news, but millions of Americans refuse to believe him.

I’m reminded of a girl I once met who was selling dietary supplements. She was one of those girls who would be considered really dumb if she wasn’t so pretty. In the midst of her failing vitamin pitch, she thought she might turn things around by making a carnal appeal: “You know,” she whispered seductively, “we also carry Spanish Fly.”

(For Jon Stewart fans: “Spanish Fly” is what us old people used to call that stuff Russian spammers email you about every evening.) I still wasn’t buying. “I’ve heard all that stuff is just a placebo.”

She continued the pitch, “Well that’s what they SAY it is.  I can’t promise you that it’s a REAL placebo…”

Not only is the “Daily Show” fake news, it is the home to fake intellectualism. It is the modern equivalent of a PBS tote bag–a way of signaling to the rest of your scrap-booking class that you find regular TV too pedestrian.

And the most frustrating part to me is that you KNOW every single one of these people voted for Obama.

I have no proof, but it appears if there is a new sponsor for Letterman’s daily Ruth Madoff joke. For the past several weeks he’s been doing the same exact joke about Bernie Madoff’s wife claiming her $92 million wasn’t from swindling, that it was money she saved by switching to Geico®. His repetition makes me think the insurance giant’s paying Worldwide Pants to do the joke every night. This week, he added a joke every night about Ruth’s favorite item at California Pizza Kitchen® that suggested they were a new sponsor. On successive nights it was chicken ponzi, chicken al-fraudo, and veal scaloponzi.

Eight months after the election, Sarah Palin and John McCain are still in the monologues. O’Brien told another John McCain Twitter joke this week, claiming that McCain tweeted “The Nurse is stealing all my stuff.” Fallon claimed that Sonya Sotomayor looked frail and her hair was thinning: It is part of her plan to run for President in 2012, as John McCain. Maher mocked Republicans for calling Obama’s health-care bill convoluted, while still being able to make sense out of a Sarah Palin Speech; and said the despite Time Magazine calling her a renegade, “the only thing Sarah Palin ever rebelled against (besides grammar, wildlife, and sports analogies) was family planning.”

Colbert did an interesting line that left his audience puzzled. In an attempt to get Keith Olbermann to name him as the “Worst Person,” he pretended to slap a baby with a puppy. Then he said, “If that didn’t work, here is something I KNOW will light your fuse: George Bush followed through on his promise to fight AIDS in Africa with billions of dollars of funding!”

Obama’s pathetic baseball pitch was quite a popular topic. Letterman claimed his arm got so sore that he had to call Rush Limbaugh for some Oxycontin. Stewart claimed the Fox play-by-play announcers called it in the dirt when it wasn’t. (It would it been, were it not for a great save by Albert Pujols.) Only Maher went as far to correctly identify the pitch as being thrown “like a girl.” But the…

Funniest Obama Line of the Week  goes to Jimmy Kimmel who claimed that the jeans President Obama wore at the All Star Game were weird–that they made him look like his Aunt Linda. The following night he did a video piece about those jeans, which was the only bit of the week that actually used Obama as the foil.

Letterman claimed that you know the economy is bad when the President has to take a second gig (pitching at the All-Star Game) However…

Lamest Attempt at a Obama Joke goes to Conan O’Brien for this ultra-lame video piece. His writers actually made a montage of foolish things President Obama has done that would have been comic fodder during any Republican Presidency, but instead made fun of mean Republicans for making fun of Obama’s simple human tendencies.

Another interesting flip on reality came from Letterman: “A teleprompter is just a machine that tells the President what to say. In Bush’s case the machine was called Dick Cheney.” (Why is it okay for Obama to be a puppet?)

The shattered teleprompter was a popular topic. Jimmy Fallon said, “It’s so bad, even speeches about the economy are crashing.” Fallon really has some funny lines, but his monologues are still falling flat, even after four months on the air. It seems his delivery talents are just not up to speed with his writers. He also has no qualms with Obama material: “Obama was there for the All-Star Game so he could give a ten run bailout to whoever was losing.”

Most Over-used Person as a Punchline was Amy Winehouse who’s getting a divorce. Letterman said it was for the sake of the children’s Robitussin. Conan said she was shocked, that she had no idea she was even married. Ferguson claims they’re fighting over custody of the crack pipe, and Fallon said it was inevitable after a long while of sleeping in separate gutters.

The fortieth anniversary of the Moon landing was also a popular topic. Conan claimed it was man’s greatest accomplishment, unless you’re counting putting cheese inside of a pizza crust. Letterman bemoaned the fact that they can put a man on the Moon, but they still can’t put a man on Sonya Sotomayor.

Writers over Shoulders Award goes to Conan O’ Brien and Jimmy Kimmel for their takes on the tape of the Moon landing being erased. Conan claimed it was done for reruns of Alf, Kimmel claimed it was for reruns of Growing Pains.

Most Interesting Interview was Astronaut Mike Massimino on Craig Ferguson. Not only was he personable, he gave a wonderfully vivid description of what it’s like walking to the shuttle on the morning of a launch day. He is also the first Astronaut I remember, actually admitting that they wear diapers during a launch.

Oldest Presidential Joke: Stephen Colbert again went all the way back to the Nixon Era: “Nixon Supreme Court nominees Clement F Haynsworth jr. and G Harrold Carswell were rejected on suspicions of racism. The evidence? They were nominated by Richard Nixon.”

The confirmation hearings of Sonya Sotomayor were a far more popular topic on the Late Night Shows than they were in the ratings. O’Brien, Colbert, and Kimmel all found it amusing that the questioning turned to Nunchucks. Letterman claimed that on day two, she sang “I Dreamed a Dream.” O’Brien claimed she demonstrated her lack of bias against white people by showing up with a Coldplay CD and a yoga mat. He also said she’s a Yankees fan, “That’s great. They can use a strong leftie off the bench.”

Angriest White Man was a given now that Bill Maher is back at work. But this week he shares it with Jon Stewart. Both hosts are blaming racism for Republican opposition to Sotomayor. Maher said they’re accusing her of reverse racism, which means she is giving the real racists a bad name. Stewart said Republican Senators like the racist part about her, they just hate her race.

Then to illustrate their liberal open-mindedness, both launched into racist routines: Maher claimed the old white Senators were frustrated with her like the cleaning woman who had been stealing from the club. “Too much agua, you’re killing the orchids.” Stewart ran a clip of Sotomayor introducing her family members in attendance while he chanted off screen, “Please don’t say you all came in the same hatchback! Please don’t say you all came in the same hatchback! … Hey, since Carlos Mencia isn’t on anymore, someone has to do it!”

Hey, if you weren’t a Democrat, you probably couldn’t do it. I’m thinking of switching my party affiliation, so I can be an Emmy-nominated racist comic too!

Lamest Attempt at Obama Joke: David Letterman claimed that Obama was in Russia, hiking the Appalachian trail.

Letterman also used John McCain as a foil on three different nights to compare the disparity between winners and losers of the last Presidential election: While Obama traveled to Russia to meet with Putin, McCain was chasing kids off his lawn. While Obama was in Italy, McCain was heating up a can of Chef Boy-Ar-Dee; While Obama was in Italy meeting with the G-8, McCain was on his front porch in Arizona, waving at cars.

Conan O’Brien also seems to like the ageist jokes, claiming that John McCain is using twitter, only he’s twittering on his garage door opener. With all the McCain material, and the dearth of Obama jokes, you’d almost think John McCain won the election. According to Craig Ferguson, when Palin resigned, John McCain said, “Who?”

Most Overused Person as a Punchline: Sarah Palin for her resignation. Letterman claimed she blamed the media, and was spotted in a helicopter shooting Wolf Blitzer. Conan said America was just ranked the 114th happiest nation,in the world but when Palin resigned it moved up to 17th. He also suggested she might be doing a TV show for viewers that find Paula Abdul too coherent. Letterman claimed the Governorship now passes down to Miss Congeniality, Ferguson claimed it goes to Chillee Willee.

Writers over Shoulders Award: This week it goes to to all three Late Nights. O’Brien, Letterman, and Ferguson each did a  play on Tina Fey’s old joke about Sarah Palin seeing Russia from her house. (I believe we’re coming up on the one year anniversary of that one.) Conan claimed that while Obama was in Russia, he could see Palin cleaning out her office. Craig Ferguson did a version of the joke, claiming he wouldn’t use the room she stayed in during his USO tour because he didn’t want a room where he could see Russia. Letterman claimed that while Barack was in Russia, Sarah Palin waved at him. He was actually so enamored with that joke he used it four times on three different nights. On Tuesday he actually used it twice in the same monologue.

But Letterman’s favorite joke he used most every night was, “Mosquitoes mate and breed in standing water, kinda like my in-laws.” A couple of times he also told a joke about his mom thinking the Fourth of July fireworks were an attack from North Korea.

Oldest Presidential Joke of the Week: Even though Letterman and Ferguson both made Clinton jokes, this week’s award goes to Conan O’Brien for telling a Classic Bob Hope Presidential Library joke: “Saddam Hussein’s gun will be displayed in George Bush’s Library, right next to the book.”

Funniest Obama Line of the Week: Goes to Conan O’Brien who claimed that when Barack was in Moscow he gave a speech to an economics class entitled, “Can we borrow 4 trillion Rubles?” Runner up also goes to Conan who claimed that Obama was in Italy because the Italians were great allies of ours, excepting anytime we’ve gone to war. Conan also did the only mention of the famous photo saying that the only ass Obama was looking at, was Joe Biden. (It seems there’s still much hesitation to use Obama as the actual victim in the jokes.)

Angriest White Man: Again David Letterman who’s still griping about having to apologize to Sarah Palin. On two separate nights he wondered aloud whether it was his joke that might have caused her to resign.

The Most Interesting Interview: Bob Newhart on Conan. He’s been at it for almost 50 years now, and is still able to do panel. He had some great stories about the old “Tonight Show” that really made me long for Golden Age of Late Night, back before it got so personal.