I opened TimeOut NY magazine this morning and saw that I was featured in their “Essential New York” issue. Excellent. I’m overjoyed, as most performers are when they get some press. Now among the other nice things in their profile, they said this:

“He’s the only conservative Republican comedian who’s actually funny.”

Now, what do you think was the first thing I did when I saw that in print? Defend the honor of Evan Sayet and Steven Crowder? No.

My act is personal, not political, and those are two different things, unless you believe what it says in that dog-eared copy of “Our Bodies, Ourselves” on your ex-girlfriend’s bookshelf. But since Andrew invited me to “come out” on this site last year and air my (comparatively moderate) center-right views, the word has gotten around to some of my fans and associates that I might be playing for the other team. I’ll be at a showbiz cocktail party and someone will playfully say, “I heard a rumor about you…” They’re not trying to be mean or McCarthyite-they genuinely like the idea that they may have a right-wing acquaintance. It’s fun for them! But then they want to pick my brain. “How did it happen? Was your dad a minister?” They begin to introduce me to their friends as “their favorite Republican.”

I usually respond the same way I did yesterday when the TimeOut NY profile came out–I immediately Twittered, blogged and Facebooked, “For the record, I am a registered independent.”

Why this reflex? Why do I rush to portray myself as an “independent?”

Two reasons:

1. It is true. I identify with no political party. I have a clear set of views about the way the world works best, and at this moment the people with an R next to their name do less damage to the things I hold dear than the ones with a D. I didn’t say “no damage,” just less. (Even though I am one, the politicians with an I next to their name often tend to be a little flaky. Sorry, guys.)

2. Most of my fans and colleagues identify themselves with the Left, and people in show business personalize their political affiliation to the point that anyone who believes differently is seen as lacking common decency and compassion. You’ve got to get past that somehow, and it’s hard to do that in a few short sentences. Which is probably why so many conservative entertainers just keep their mouth shut.

In most cases politics and art together do not interest me. I didn’t go to see Benicio del Toro in “Che,” and I wouldn’t go to see Kelsey Grammer in “Goldwater!” So I don’t do politics in my act. I’m in the business of communication. I want to play to everyone, not just people who are like me. It’s easy to find your audience niche and play to it (”Get ‘R Done!”), but where’s the challenge in that? It’s not gutsy, edgy, or artistic. But political comics on the left rarely admit the same about their own habit of preaching to the choir. I remember doing a show at a hip Avenue A club in NYC shortly after 9/11 and the guy on before me said “I know I’m not supposed to say this right now, but I think our President is an asshole.” Applause.

What? You mean you’re willing to go after George W. Bush in the East Village? Why, you’re another Lenny Bruce! Way to speak truth to power!

When I rush to portray myself as independent, I’m not backing away from anything, or trying to hide my beliefs. I’ve chosen to put myself in the public eye, and I’m trying to communicate with them, which is nearly impossible to do when people’s reaction to certain buzzwords is to shut down, tune you out, and change the channel to someone who is more like them.

A lot has been written lately about how comedy writers are having a hard time finding humor in President Obama. “He’s just too competent,” they say.

The answer is obvious. They, on the left, are having trouble making fun of the left.

But what about us? We have a bigger problem. How are we supposed to make fun of the left?

When I get together for coffee with my fellow pragmatic, reality based, sort-of-right-wing comedy writers (many of whom still speak in hushed tones here in Manhattan, as they are still in the closet), I find I have nothing to poke fun at as I scan the morning papers. I used to relish tearing apart an op-ed from the Times or a column from Slate in front of my buddies, but lately I am left wanting. There is nothing funny anymore. One cannot parody a parody.

Here, let’s try. Take a look at this Sally Quinn article in The Washington Post, in which she “defends” Michelle Obama, after saying that “She has come under attack for exposing her arms.” (Has she? Did Sally Quinn just make that up? Could you find me someone who has done that?)

She goes on:

“Michelle Obama’s arms, we determined, were transformational. Her arms are representative of a new kind of woman: young, strong, vigorous, intelligent, accomplished, sexual, powerful, embracing and, most of all, loving.

“They are toned and muscular, burnished and beautiful. That has to be threatening to some. For some men, often, a strong woman makes them feel diminished.”

This is not The Onion. This is real. This is a real live person who makes their living writing for a newspaper. How could you lampoon this? Where would you go from here?

Oh, I guess here:

“She also has a husband who is facing more crises than any president we have had in more than half a century. He needs her support, and she is giving him that in an intelligent and thoughtful way. It’s those arms again: By going around to various agencies and talking about what the administration wants to do, she is, in her own way, embracing America.”

Do you hear a sound? Yes, it’s me bashing my head against the table in Starbucks as I read that. How in holy hell am I supposed to objectively joke about people who are in such a fog of sycophancy?

The woman hasn’t left the smallest finger-hold for a satirist to grab hold of–it’s complete in its idiocy. Am I being lazy? Read the whole article. Is there even one sentence you could add to it to make it more ridiculous?

Other than be completely embarrassed for this woman, I don’t know what else I can do. Nothing is funny anymore. I give up.

I did a show with her in NYC the other night, and she was delightful. A small room in the West Village, packed with people, everyone laughing. She’s a comedian, and a good one. I prefer her more personal material to the political stuff, but that’s the way I feel about most comedians. After the show we spoke, and at one point I reminded her that I’m kind of right-wing. “That’s you’re problem,” she said, and then we got back to the friendly talk. We went on to have a great conversation and share some laughs. On a personal level, I always have a good time with her, and you would too. Believe me.

Here’s my point: I sense a little misplaced anger over her comments about the tea parties. It strikes me as a Captain Renault-like expression of shock. In order to take great offense at what she said we have to ignore the fact that the very same thing is said, in more subtle ways, every day. The left never stops accusing the right of racism.

Also, she is not a politician–she is asked to give her opinion on TV because she is blunt and opinionated. Speaking tactfully is not something we should expect of demand from entertainers–in fact, we should encourage just the opposite. I for one can appreciate a good right-wing nut job comedian, who crosses boundaries and says things that other people are thinking, but does it in a way that would be unacceptable for a politician. That is why it is shocking, and that is why it is fun. Maybe not funny, but fun–to the right wingers in the back of the room who are glad that somebody is saying the things that they wish they could say.

Her message was not to people on the right–it was to her fellow lefties. She was saying “Stop beating around the bush here–let’s call this what it is.” So that is what she thinks. Glad to hear it. I am always glad to hear an unfiltered position.

Here’s the thing; everything Janeane said is what people on the left already think. They have been saying it right to your face, in creative ways, for years. Remember when the candidate Obama repeatedly spoke about his being a long shot for the election because “he has a funny name” or because he “doesn’t look like those other presidents on our money,” what do you think he was saying? He was saying that a large portion of our country is racist. He was talking about you. He was trying to shut his critics up even before they started. And it worked. Almost no one called him on it.

So don’t get upset when someone says it out loud. You should be glad someone finally said it-now you can answer the charge. You don’t want to have to answer the charge? Why not? It’s out there.

Conservatives will even buy into this. They will say, “Well, I know that there is still a lot of racism out there, but…”

That’s the problem. People are unwilling to declare that it’s over. It’s done. The number of Americans who believe one race is inferior to another is so small that they are not worth discussing. They are silly people. And they have no power.

I like Morgan Freeman’s position. On “60 Minutes” a few years ago, he declared Black History Month “ridiculous,” prompting this question:

Mike Wallace: But how are we going to get rid of racism?

Morgan Freeman: Stop talking about it.

I like that. Let’s just stop talking about it. But in order to stop talking about it we are going to have to talk about it for a little while. To declare that it is over. It has gone away.

Oh, I know what my friends on Big Hollywood will say. “Racism is alive and well–on the left!” Yes, but even that is fake racism. There is an obsession with race, certainly, but only so it can be used as a weapon to intimidate. It’s a way to stop debate even before it begins. (If you watched, they tried it with Andrew Breitbart on HBO’s Real Time. He wouldn’t let it go. He essentially said “Let’s do this–let’s put it out on the table.” Things got electric, for a couple of minutes. Then Bill Maher changed the subject.)

A lot of people agree with Janeane Garofalo. Even people who are right of center- which is why so many mainstream Republicans politicians want nothing to do with those tea party folks–they’d rather keep them at arms length. We should keep our ears open when provocateurs are being provocative. Don’t write them off as haters–they are starting a valuable discussion.

Let’s get it out in the open. Everyone who thinks being against taxes is racist, raise your hands. We won’t shout you down. We would love to have that argument in public once and for all. Right?

He actually said his leftist politics made it “hard for people to vote for him”. What?!!? Think about that. That is the essence of the these guys–they act as if they are out there all alone fighting the good fight against the masses. There is NO ONE out there who is not constantly patting Sean Penn on the back. Ridiculous.

“Thank you for this award, and it sure is great living in a racist, homophobic, red-baiting country. Please continue buying tickets to my movies, you backward thinking idiots.”

Thank you Sean, you are the reason this blog exists.

I’m serious-I don’t care if Tom Cruise and his new publicists dreamed up this new Tom Cruise just to manufacture popularity. It’s working with me. I like the guy.