While watching the Academy Awards last night, I got to thinking about what an important role the Oscars play in our global community. And of course, there’s no more blatant case in point of Hollywood’s positive impact on society than Al Gore’s 2007 Oscar win for his documentary, “An Inconvenient Truth.” What a speech too, huh? Just listen: “My fellow Americans, people all over the world, we need to solve the climate crisis. It’s not a political issue; it’s a moral issue…”

And solve it he did! Just look at what’s happened since that magical evening:

• All the major global temperature tracking outlets (Hadley, NASA GISS, UAH, RSS) recent data shows that over the past year global temperatures have dropped.
• The University of Illinois Arctic Climate Research Center reports that global sea ice levels are now equal to those of 1979. Polar Bears are back baby!
• The US National Climatic Data Center says China had its coldest winter in 100 years and the fact that Hillary went there was pure coincidence.
• This year, much of North America was hit by the heaviest snowfall since the 1960s. It snowed in Baghdad (of course, the American Military presence kind of explains that), but it snowed in Las Vegas! What are the odds?
• Lastly, well-intentioned, decent people traveling to Global Warming summits are having their flights canceled in droves, due to icy build up on the wings of private jets.

People, what I’m saying here is – in a nutshell: Al Gore must be stopped.

Now, I’m no Al Gore fan, (In 2000, he got the most votes and still lost – talk about a loser), but let’s give him his due. The reality is that his efforts to stop global warming have not only been an incredible success, but in fact, have been TOO good. Great job, dude, but it’s been really, really cold lately. I mean did you or did you not see the strip-club scenes in “The Wrestler?” … ‘nuff said.

But how could Al Gore know he could accomplish the impossible so quick and effectively? Even he must have been a bit shocked when nearly the entire major media fell in line and began parroting his sage-like theory – I mean, hypothesis – I mean, scenario – I mean, presumptions – I mean, ruse – I mean, um facts… Yes, incontrovertible facts. And indeed, Mr. Gore the debate was over, until you and your brave followers over-corrected the fever of the planet and sent us plunging toward frosty Armageddon.

The telltale signs are everywhere – from the unexpected persistence and thickness of pack ice in the waters around Iceland to the southward migration of a warmth-loving creature like the armadillo from the Midwest… (actually I swiped that from a June 24th, 1974 Time Magazine article, sorry).

Sadly, now we must stop you, Al Gore the Good. We must rise up against the forces of accepted wisdom and put an end to your selfless caring before we all freeze our asses off. Because if we don’t act now and decisively, no amount of Leonardo DiCaprio movies, Sheryl Crow rallies, Springsteen concerts, or Barbara Streisand blogs can save us from the impending girth of ice we’ll soon find ourselves covered by.

Now, you’ll notice I left Scarlett Johansson off the list there. That was on purpose. Scarlett: You can say anything you want, doesn’t matter. Just be out there. For me. That goes double for you Jennifer Aniston; you can say or do anything your saddened, but virtuous heart desires. Hey, screw those guys who dumped you, anyway — they’re idiots! Bunch of lame douche bags, if you ask me. You need to date a normal guy, Jen. Did I mention I love dogs?

… Mmm. Where was I?

Oh yeah, thanks to the power of Al Gore, we’re all gonna die from anthropogenic global cooling. So – everyone – start having babies. Breathe out more. Farmers – feed your cows more bean burritos. More drilling! More mining! More smelting! And for god sakes GM – do NOT cancel production of the Hummer. What are you, an anti-earth, terrorist organization or something?

I don’t know. Maybe President Obama can stop him… Like Angelina Jolie’s last line in The Changeling: “Now, there’s hope…”

Kate Winslett rules. Mmm…